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stelarose9 · 2 years ago

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My Life Was Waiting For You

Published Ao3 My Life Was Waiting For You

Chapter 1

Every second that Alina takes a step behind Baghra she thinks about the past, or the present. It all depends on how she analyzes her own life. Two hundred and eighty-three years have passed since she met Aleksander and since that day she has met him for the "first time" four more times.

Each day Alina wakes up and knows everything that will happen during the next year. It's like a vision of the future, but she can only see the next 365 days. She also has memories of her past lives, the most important ones, like meeting Aleksander, for example.

It was strange when she was little, but when she grows up she begins to understand the situation better.

At first she believed it was a gift, the possibility of living her life with Mal and her family all over again. But then, when it happened a second and a third time, she did not have a clear explanation for it, sometimes she thought that in each of those lives she should stop Aleksander's plans, other times more than a gift it felt like a prison where she relive pain and not being able to do anything to stop it. Alina thought many times about changing some of her decisions and in that way changing the memories she had about what was going to happen, but even if she did things different, her situation did not change much, sometimes someone's death was even worse in the future or three people died where before it was only one.

Over the years she understood that if she wanted to change something in the future, she had to think very well about each of the possibilities, about all that small change could mean.

In her third life she realized that changing events could bring unsuspected consequences. Mal almost lost his life and that made her more careful.

She once thought about telling Mal to run away from the orphanage, before anyone could suspect that she was a sun summoner, but then she thought that if she did, there would be no one who could stop Aleksander, that's why there is a timeline that Alina has never changed.

The one of Aleksander Morozova or The Darkling as he is known.

In all these years she has learned to know him in such a way that she can distinguish the changes in his gaze, the small gestures around his eyes when he is full of rage or the way his skin feels to the touch.

Sometimes Alina is puzzled by all the details that she has managed to identify in him. Others feel guilty because the more lives she has lived, the more trapped she is by him than in the first. In each of those lives she is happy with Mal, once the war is over but, as the years go by, she feels more and more that something is missing and the absence of that something makes her feel empty.

Deep in her heart, Alina knows what that something is, because when Mal sleeps soundly and she sneaks off to a small spot in the woods near where they live and concentrates long enough to see a slight shadow on her hands, Alina feels that that something is the sun and the shadows together. It is that a part of her belongs to Aleksander as one of him belongs to her.

Shouldn't she have that kind of connection with Mal, her past-future husband, and not with the person she's already murdered five times?

The problem is that each time, it became increasingly difficult to bury the Grisha's steel dagger in his chest.

The problem is that she has never changed the timeline with him.

Until today.

"I'm sorry Baghra". Alina says stopping her walk, watching the woman turn around, surprised by her words.

"What are you talking about girl?"

Alina walks over to the old woman and puts both her hands on her cheeks. "It is time for me to change what I have never dared to change before".

The woman's eyes look like two gray icebergs, she can almost feel Aleksander's mother's mind trying to make sense of her words.

Alina repeats the words Baghra has said to her four times before. "Only the Volcra have kept the Darkling from using the Fold against his enemies. They are his punishment, a living testimony to his arrogance. But you will change all that. The monsters cannot abide sunlight. Once the Darkling has used your power to subdue the volcra, he will be able to enter the Fold safely. He will finally have what he wants. There will be no limit to his power". Alina presses her hands hard on the woman's cheeks. "Aleksander once told me that eternity made you forget many things, but it made you gain patience. Even in that we are different, eternity has made me lose patience, but I remember each of the words that everyone has said to me".

A muscle in Baghra's jaw twitched. "I was wrong about you, little saint".

"They all are". And with that, Alina feels her light rush through her veins and lead her to a new skill that she developed over the years.

She doesn't know if it has to do with these lives that she can live or if it is just a skill that she will eventually develop over the years. But Alina can go back ten minutes in time for herself and the person she touches with her light. It's dangerous, because Baghra will appear where she was ten minutes ago and will remember what happened, that's why Alina has only used this ability once before.

But she wants Baghra to remember, that’s why she told her this.

Alina opens her eyes and she is back with him. With her torment, her salvation.

The Darkling slipped through the doorway, but then he turned back to her. "Alina", he said, and now, after all these years, she knows that he is fighting with himself. "Can I come to you tonight?"

So many years of a silent response, of repeating everything again. But not anymore.

"No". Alina says, feeling brave.

"No?" The Darkling replies, arching an eyebrow, a hint of amusement on his features.

She feels the weight of her black kefta on her body, the same one that a few seconds ago felt the weight of him. "Perhaps another day". She answers sincerely, Alina does not know if that day will come but for now she must keep him thinking that her rejection is nothing more than her insecurity about the whole situation.

First she has to know what will change by staying.

He cocked his head. "I don't know if I like that...ambiguity".

"Well, that's all I can give you". For now, she adds in her mind. Alina isn't even sure she knows exactly what she's doing. She just knows that there must be a reason to reborn again and again and she is so tired. She is tired of lying to herself, of denying that this connection between them is so strong that it has survived time.

But she is not naive either; she knows that this moment is still too hasty to try to decipher him in any way.

A corner of his mouth lifted. "I look forward to knowing everything you can give me. Although I warn you, my sun summoner, I am a greedy man. I always want it all".

I know, she thinks as she watches him walk away.

It's always all or nothing with him.

…..

Alina can feel the rays of the sun on her face when she wakes up the next morning. It is the first time in years that she wakes up this morning in her room in the little palace, but it feels like any other day, the soft and light fabric of the sheets hugging her body as Alina turns around.

After returning to her room at night, a part of her thought that maybe Aleksander would ignore her refusal and come anyway, she is ashamed to admit that that same part of her wanted him to come.

So much betrayal and cruelty between them and yet she would like to have him all to herself, she would like to wrap herself in his shadows and let the power that he makes her feel run through her veins.

Those thoughts once scared her; today it's as normal as breathing. Alina learned to accept over the years that what he says is the truth. They are alike.

But that does not mean that she will allow him to carry out his plans of destruction.

And for that Alina must know what changes there are for the following year due to the decision she made yesterday. So she lets her mind search for the new memories she has created.

There is nothing.

Alina snaps her eyes open and shifts quickly on the bed, sitting back against the pillows.

For the first time in almost two hundred and fifty years, she sees nothing but empty and blank space. For the first time since she started experimenting with making changes in her lives, she has no idea what will happen in the future, Alina only has her memories of the past.

The taste of the unknown fills her with excitement, one she hadn't felt in a long time.

Alina smiles, leaning back on the pillows.

The Darkling told her that wanting is that it makes us weak, but wanting, gave her a new life. One that is finally unknown.

#alina starvok #alexander morozova #the darkling #darklina #alina x aleksander #AU #fanfic #ao3 fanfic #shadow and bone #book #tv series #baghra morozova #reincarnation #the grishaverse #the grisha series #the grisha trilogy

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stelarose9 · 2 years ago

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Chapter 1: You Are Just What I Needed Tonight

Light My Way Into The Dark

On his way to meet Lyanna Stark, Prince Rhaegar Targaryen spends the night at an inn.

Back from Oldtown, Princess Elia Martell spends the night at an inn.

When the two of them exchange words for the first time, the future of all of Westeros may change.

Published Ao3

-Elia. 282 AC-

Elia gets out of the carriage and sighs in disappointment. It is a great misfortune that Baelor Hightower fell ill and died before she and her uncle could reach Oldtown. Of all the suitors she had, it was the one she liked the most, she even decided to accompany her uncle Lewyn when he told her that he would travel to Oldtown to speak with Lord Leyton about a possible marriage between them. Elia almost had to beg her mother to let her come because due to her ability to get sick so quickly her mother didn't want to let her travel to this colder climate, but eventually Oberyn helped convince her.

When news of Baelor's unfortunate death reached them, Elia must acknowledge that tears gathered in her eyes.

She really liked him.

"Are you alright Elia?" Asks her uncle putting a hand on her shoulder.

She blinked sadly but tried to put a smile on her face. "Yes, I had high hopes of reaching a deal with the Hightower’s, but I guess it wasn't for me".

Her uncle smiles at her fondly. "Whatever is meant for you will come to you". Then he grabs her arm. "Now, let's go inside this…lovely inn that awaits us". His last words show great insecurity.

Elia wrinkles her nose when she looks back at the place where they will spend the night. She would be surprised not to find a rat in her bed tonight.

……

Elia has been trying to sleep for hours, but sleep has been elusive with her.

She trembled with frustration, and finally decides to get up and walk a bit through the corridors of the place. Something that her uncle would strongly oppose but, on the other hand, Oberyn would support her. Her brother always tells her to bring out her more rebellious side and this is a good time. What would be the worst that could happen?

Twenty minutes later, after having seen a couple fucking in a corner, drunken men lying on the ground and a man running naked, Elia believes that there has been enough "rebellious side" for one night.

She is returning to her room when the figure of a man catches her attention, he is standing in front of the balcony but there is something in his posture that makes her believe that he seems distressed about something.

Elia hugged herself when a cold breeze hits her and watches in amazement as a pair of blond hair peeks out from under the hair of the man who until now she thought was black.

Although more than just blond it looks like silver-blond.

She only knows of one family that has that particular hair color.

Despite all the alarms in her head telling her to go back to her room, that this is none of her business, her feet bring her closer to the man.

"If what you're trying to do is go unnoticed, I'll tell you you're doing a terrible job".

She sees the man's shoulders tense as he replies "Do I?"

Elia stands next to him but does not look at him; she just looks at the immensity of darkness that can be seen from the balcony.

"Well I think the person who dyed your hair is also guilty". She laughs a little.

The man does not respond and she begins to get nervous, she did not think much about the situation when she decided to approach him.

"Well, it doesn't seem like I'm the only one standing out in this place".

She ran her hand through her curly hair. "But it's not me who changes her appearance to look like one of them..." Elia finally decides to look into his dark indigo eyes "...Prince Rhaegar"

Elia had only seen the crown prince once before, at the tourney at Harrenhal. Honestly, she didn't think much of him, and even less once she saw everything that happened with Lyanna Stark. You had to be very blind not to realize how awkward the atmosphere became when he handed the flower crown to the young Stark.

"Princess Elia Martell". He bows his head. "Is a pleasure seeing you again".

She chuckled "I'm surprised you even remember me".

"It is impossible not to remember you". He says it seriously, more like a thought than a compliment, but it still makes her blush a little.

She clears her throat. "So...I guess if you try to be inconspicuous is it because you don't want anyone to know you're here?"

Rhaegar Targaryen seems to doubt his words, but finally responds to her. "I suppose the princess of Dorne is right". He says leaning his body forward and resting his hands on the wooden railing.

"Mmmm" Her brother Oberyn told her that Rhaegar spoke to him and other Westeros lords at the tourney about overthrowing his father. She imagines that perhaps his stay at this inn has something to do with it.

"What about you? Why are you so far from Dorne princess?" He asks after a while.

Elia rubbed one of her shoulders, a gesture her mother hates but which she makes whenever she feels uncomfortable. "A marriage proposal"

"Marriage?" Rhaegar asks curious and interested in the conversation.

"Yeah, but it didn't go well. We didn't even make it to Oldtown with my Uncle Lewyn to make the proposal. I guess I was just late".

"Why?"

She stared at the woods and think about her unfortunate fate. "He died".

"I am sorry, it seems like you and him were getting along".

"Baelor was kind and smiled all the time. When I imagined my life with him I imagined a life full of laughter".

"Did you love him?" His question makes her uneasy and she looks at him, when she does it she realizes that he has his full attention on her. He seems genuinely interested in her words.

"I don't know about love, prince, but I know about duty. It is difficult for people like us to find happiness and duty in the same person. I wanted to hold onto that, but apparently my fortune remains the same". She feels her treacherous eyes fill with tears. "I'm just the sick princess of Dorne".

Her words seem deeply ingrained in Rhaegar, but she doesn't understand why until she remembers Lady Lyanna. Perhaps he found happiness and duty in her, but he was also late. Lyanna was already engaged to Robert Baratheon and Aerys would also not allow his son to marry a woman who did not have Valyrian blood.

He takes a deep breath. "What if happiness and duty are in the same person but following your heart would cause terrible consequences?"

Elia is scared by his words, and any sadness she felt is replaced by alarm. "What are you going to do?" She whispers but she is terrified to think of the possibilities.

"What I have to do". He answers vaguely but without much conviction.

"You don't seem to be quite sure that's the right thing to do".

"I thought I was sure, but tonight I find myself doubting what I will do tomorrow". He hung his head. "And I do not understand, all my life I have been sure of this. When I saw her for the first time I knew it was her but...suddenly lying in my bed I could not sleep thinking about the prophecy". He lifts his head and looks her straight in the eyes. "What if I'm wrong? What if the love I think I feel for her is nothing more than me trying to hold on to something that isn't real, but how do you know something is real and what isn't? And what if running away with her tomorrow is not the right thing to do". He seems relieved to make that confession to someone, to reveal his thoughts to someone else.

Her eyes widened. "If you do that, you will start a war. There is no way Lord Rickard won't do anything if you escape together". Elia desperately takes his hand that was still on the wooden railing. "Rhaegar listen to me. I don't know what prophecy you are talking about but nothing, listen to me, nothing and no one can define our destiny. If that is why you think you love her, then that feeling is not real. When you truly love, it is like fire that expands throughout your body and you feel that it burns you, but you embrace that feeling because it consumes you in such a way that you burn with the person you love, you become one with him or her. If that is not what you feel, do not do something that will leave the kingdom in ruins". She puts her hand on his cheek "We make our own destiny".

He denies with the head. "Not for us, not for my family".

She tucked a lock of hair behind his ear. "Then be better than them".

His breathing quickened, the thought of something haunted him. "There is a war...one from the future where-"

"I don't know what you are talking about...what is this war of the future but I have news for you. We are at war right now, your father has broken the kingdom and there are people who trust you to lead them". Elia lowers her hand to his neck and applies pressure to the area, desperate for him to understand what she's saying. "My brother told me that you want to defeat your father and I know he would support you if you rebel against him". She was surprised that her brother Oberyn will think about supporting the crown prince. Her mother is another matter, she would not do anything unless it benefited her and Dorne but Elia knows that if her brother really wants to support Rhaegar he is capable of going to war alone.

Elia loves that about her brother, how passionate he is for his ideals, how she feels that he lives each breath with fervor.

Rhaegar slowly wraps his fingers around her wrist, the one of the hand that she had pressed against his neck and held his breath before asking. "When you look into my eyes, what do you see?"

Her eyes are so deep when he asks her this that she feels the need to tell him exactly what she sees. "A broken and unsure man, but that gives me hope...because deep down you know that this is wrong". She feels his thumb move against her skin. "Defeat your father, be the King that your people need and then if your destiny is really with her, I know that your paths will unite again but now, Rhaegar, leaving with her now is like lighting the flame of a fire that you won't be able to stop".

"Rhae-" A man's voice surprises them both, suddenly separating them. When Elia looks at the man, she thinks he's Jon Connington. "I'm sorry Lord Durran, I was looking for you". He says awkwardly correcting his mistake.

"It's alright Jon; Princess Elia Martell knows who I am".

Jon looks at her suspiciously but still bows to her. "Princess Elia".

"Ser Jon". She responds in greeting and then her eyes return to Rhaegar. "It is late, I have to go back to my room but it was very nice to be able to speak with you, your grace".

Rhaegar seems disappointed that his time with her is over. "Of course. I'm sorry our conversation was not what you expected".

Elia would like to say more, but she can feel Jon's eyes on her and she doesn't really know how much the prince trusts him. "I hope that my words can help in something".

He walks up to her and grabs her hand to kiss it. "You are just what I needed tonight". He says quietly, not answering her question, but making her blush for the second time that night.

Elia nods once and then walks toward the hallway entrance. "Good night, Ser Jon". She says as she walks past the man.

"Good night princess". Jon's words, unlike Rhaegar's, are not sweet and Elia believes that she even hears resentment in them.

…...

When Elia is lying on her bed, she goes over her conversation with the prince. In Dorne they are quite far from all the drama of King’s Landing but that does not mean that they are less informed of everything that happens.

Everyone knows that big changes are coming soon, and to be honest, she thinks everyone is hoping Rhaegar will take the crown. But if he escapes tomorrow with Lyanna Stark, there isn't much chance for a better future.

She told Rhaegar that we make our own destiny, but meeting him tonight, what are the chances of this ever happening?

Elia sighs and closes her eyes, maybe there are things that are destined in somehow after all, because now lying in her bed she has realized that her conversation with him eliminated all the feelings of sadness that her heart had, she needed to speak in confidence with someone and he needed it too.

Two souls in distress united by a strange coincidence.

…..

"Where are you going Elia?" Her uncle asks the next morning when the guards accompanying her are loading some trunks into the carriage to start the journey back to Dorne.

"I need to ask the inn owner a question; I'll be right back Uncle Lewyn". She says walking fast where she can see the lady.

The owner of the inn is a lady with prominent wrinkles and apprehensive eyes. "Excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

The woman looks at her disinterestedly "It depends".

Elia raises an eyebrow and takes out a gold coin for the lady. "And now?"

The woman takes the coin, examines it, and then nods her head.

"Do you know if...Lord Durran is still at the inn?" She remembers that this was the name Jon used for Rhaegar, so she hopes there won't be another Durran here.

"No, they left at dawn, he and his companions. They seemed to be in a hurry".

Elia starts to think the worst; maybe her words had no effect on him after all. "And you don't know where they were going?"

The woman stares at her "You told me one question, I answered you one question. But just so you know, I don't get involved in the lives of the people who spend the night here". And with that she turns around and continues washing some dishes.

Elia sighs in frustration.

"My lady?" Elia looks down and sees a child. "Are you looking for Lord Durran?"

"Yes". She says quickly.

The boy smiles. "My lord gave me three golden coins. He said that if a beautiful woman with curly hair asked for him that I should tell her this: Brandon and Catelyn's wedding will be soon, the prince is not invited, but Lord Durran will be there, perhaps Lady Helaena should attend as well".

Elia has a little trouble understanding what he means, but after a few seconds she thinks carefully about the words.

Durran is clearly Rhaegar, but Helaena?

The boy is still in front of her, so she asks him. "Didn't he tell you anything else?"

"No, only that. I must clean the floors. Have a nice day Lady Helaena!" He says cheerfully taking a broom and going up to the second floor.

Elia is in the same place blinking. If Helaena is her, then...

"Elia we have to go". Her uncle yells.

Brandon and Catelyn's wedding is at Riverrun...

Durran will go...

He wants her to go...

But that can only mean one thing.

For "Durran" to be in Riverrun without arousing suspicion, he's not escaping anywhere with Lyanna or at least not for now.

But there must be a reason why he wishes they were both there, under other names and she assumes that presumably with a different appearance.

Which for her, with her olive skin is almost impossible. She would have to dress up as a septa and it would still be challenging.

Elia walks with a frown towards the carriage, but with a thought that doesn't leave her mind.

She has to delay her trip to Dorne and find out what Prince Rhaegar's plan is.

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