starttocrate - Tumblr blog

[starttocrate]

Hope your holidays are filled with loot!

[starttocrate]

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt (2015) StC: -2 (Introcrate Design Penalty)

The latest entry in The Witcher series seems to have given fans something to crow about... but we here at STC are concerned they may have really cocked things up. This game could have easily received a full -5 penalty score, if not for the few precious seconds of darkness before the first crate, replete with rooster, fades in from black during the introductory cutscene. With a lower StC score than its sexy predecessor, whether the rest of the game will rule the roost or fall afowl of the fans remains to be seen...

[starttocrate]

Goat Simulator (2014) StC: 17.35

Intrepid Start To Crate submitter Nep used Twitter to supply this fractional rating, along with a screenshot of a capra aegagrus hircus artfully positioned by some arcam ligneum. 

@Goat_Simulator @StarttoCrate: 17.35s

— nep (@thugdoubt) July 26, 2014

.@Goat_Simulator @StarttoCrate pic.twitter.com/YLZlmECKCL

— nep (@thugdoubt) July 26, 2014

Of course, should another ambitious member of the Start to Crate Junior Commandos™ produce a quicker result, we are prepared to strip Nep of his otherwise chronologically and scientifically perfect result.

Eights months later, we finally got around to posting this excellent submission. Tempus Edax Rerum.  Remember, the Start to Crate Laboratories need support from viewers like you!

[starttocrate]

Super Mario Bros. (1985) StC: 1

From submitter Clement, we received this scientifically exhaustive (and wholly accurate) report on one of the most classic (and apparently criminally overrated) games of all time:

I awoke this morning with the sudden realization that a ? Block is just a crate with a pressure-sensitive opening mechanism. After rigorous testing, I found that the widely revered Super Mario Bros. rates only a 1 on the objective StC scale.

Thanks Clement!

[starttocrate]

One of the great (failure)s.

Boxxle Thinking Rabbit/FCI Game Boy, 1990

Soukoban greeted the ’90s with a zestful embrace: On Game Boy, wearing its baseball cap backwards.

[starttocrate]

BIT.TRIP Presents... Runner2: Future Legend of Rhythm Alien (2013) StC: 0

Bit.Trip Presents... Runner2: Future Legend of Rhythm Alien manages not only to provide a nearly impossible to not cut-and-paste title but also a rare glimpse at game so bereft of distraction the crates appear on the level-select screen, with a helpful arrow, JUST IN CASE you didn't notice.

[starttocrate]

Half-Life 3 (2014) StC: 0 When the founding fathers of Start to Crate research work on a project, you know they're going to toy with audience expectations, but a surprise release with such a mind-blowingly confident crate statement was the last thing we expected.

(Photo: Dan Snow Stoneworks (dansnowstoneworks.com) Crates: Anchuelo via http://www.polycount.com/forum/showthread.php?t=89244)

[starttocrate]

Hotline Miami (2012) StC: 17

Sometimes at the Start to Crate Chronographic Research Laboratory you start to get paranoid, and think, 'they're messing with us'.  The player is rewarded for speed, right? Completing the levels as BRIEFly as possible?  No?

Please take this game away from us.

[starttocrate]

Hearthstone: Heroes of Warcraft (2014) StC: 0

The introductory cinematic is about opening a magical crate of cards. If that doesn't reassure you that you're in for a mediocre Warcraft experience, I don't know what else could.

[starttocrate]

Dark Souls Revisited - A Crateure Compendium

Though we here at Start to Crate have taken a look at Dark Souls already, with the imminent release of the sequel, we thought it was worth one last (death-filled) visit to explore the inventive, mind-bending designs of the notoriously challenging adventure in crate-smashing.

Note: Each crate will be presented in Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (2nd Edition) format so you can include them in your pen & paper Dark Souls adventures at home!

Standard Crate Climate: Town/Dungeon Frequency: Common Organization: Hierarchical Gets the job done.

Standard Barrel Climate: Town/Dungeon Frequency: Common Morale: Fanatic Never actually contains anything fluid under any circumstances.

Rope Barrel Climate: Dungeon Frequency: Common (never less than 3) Alignment: Chaotic Good For when the security provided by finely-coopered iron rings isn't enough. Long Crate Climate: Dungeon Frequency: Uncommon Religion: Nil What dwells within? COFFINS. Snow Barrel Climate: Painted Worlds Frequency: Rare Drops: Nothing, ever. Brrrr! Temple Crate Climate: Abandoned Giant Habitations Frequency: Ultra-Rare Intelligence: Super Genius What are they keeping in these? FIREWOOD? Lectern Climate: Spooky Libraries Frequency: Rare Type: Not A Crate

[starttocrate]

Crusader Kings II (2012) StC: 1

Looks like you can't marry your way out of this one, Matilda of Tuscany!

[starttocrate]

The Stanley Parable (2013)

StC: 0

Wait… I get it now… we ARE the crate?

[starttocrate]

Antichamber (2013) StC: 1

Wait… I get it now… we’re IN the crate?

[starttocrate]

Brothers - A Tale of Two Sons (2013) StC: 61

Pulling a veritable Dark Souls on us, Brothers - A Tale of Two Sons (good on you for not putting a colon in there, Starbreeze) teases the StC research team by showing us a sack and a cart before the tutorial even begins, and hints at a clay pot before unleashing the dreaded 'Wooden Barrel which sits inside a man's home, blocking a bookshelf for some reason' in the first cutscene, barely a minute after the game begins.

The game narrowly escapes a tutorial penalty and jumps to an early lead for Game of the Year 2013!

[starttocrate]

Dishonored (2012) StC: 0

Despite the crate divide betwixt the Hardcore leetz and the Casual noobs, Dishonored hangs its head in defeat to both varieties of gamer by presenting its first crate (and barrels to boot!) before the player can even select their difficulty option.

[starttocrate]

X-Com: Enemy Unknown (2012) StC: 0

A tutorial.  In a warehouse.  Crates.  Barrels.  Space boxes.  Mysteriously tarped-over bundles (other crates).  Like one pallet in the whole place.

The enemy isn't unknown, X-Com.  It's you.

[starttocrate]

Fez (2012) StC: 0

Couldn't leave well enough alone, eh Fez?  A game about finding magical puzzle cubes, 6-sided multi-dimensional figures and a helpful prismatic companion, and you nevertheless had to go ahead and just say 'A CRATE?' for your obvious button-pressing puzzle.  

The StC scoring committee revokes your score and awards you a zero for unmiscrateable puzzle hints.