speakupcee

[speakupcee]

Our most valuable relationships are based on history. Our history is strong and cannot be denied. It’s hard to recognize what you need when you really don’t have a frame or reference. Every person walking wants love but most haven’t truly experienced it to know what it looks like. So we expect hurt and pain. Then classify it as love because we don’t know any better.

It’s difficult to be brave when you want to be saved. Saved from heartache, saved from past traumas. Because walking away on your own means leaving the only love you know. The things that you only have so much love until they show you pain.

People say that care abt you but show you who they are! You the only person I wanted to hear from on my bday.. kept looking at my phone thinking you was gonna call . Got nothing. Even cried myself to sleep , how can I be such a fool to fall in love with you. I’m not even sleeping. I’m over here dreaming abt you. Shit freaks me out. I’m trying to numb the pain just to get some sleep.

Man i just really wanted to know where I stood with you. Because what im feeling for yu is unmatched. This isn’t sumthing i can just let go! if only you knew. you truly the only person I ever cared for . Like truly. Your feelings mean more to me then you know. I have never been an option and I won’t start now.

[speakupcee]

How did we meet ?

Do you remember how we first met?

Do you remember what I wore?

Do you remember if it was day or night?

Do you remember how I smelled when I first hugged you?

Do you remember the first time I made you smile?

Do you remember the first time I asked for your #?

Do you remember the first time I caused you pain?

I remember how we locked eyes.

I remember all the laughs and smiles.

I remember how we use to draw on each other.

I remember how my feelings never went away.

I too remember the the pain.

I remembered the day I had to let you go , I remembered the day you said no.

What I do remember is how you told me this way forever ;

Damn it was just a DREAM!!

[speakupcee]

How can I hate you with a passion , & yet love you with all my heart? How can I want you back , yet feel so relieved that we’re over? How can I have you on my mind 24/7 , yet NOT think about you? How can I long to be with you , yet blow me off once I’m around? How can I want to hurt you, yet be there to hold you through pain? How can I feel so heartless towards you, yet cry my eyes out over you? How can I feel like your the best thing that can ever happend to me,yet the worst thing that ever happened to me? My feelings are so twisted it’s drives me INSANE, My feelings are so twisted & it’s causing me so much pain. My feelings are so twisted and I don’t know what to do. My feelings are soo twisted and it’s all because I STILL love you !

💔

[speakupcee]

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Real Life!!

[speakupcee]

Honestly I haven’t been wanting to write my feelings. Because when I do they real. What I’m feeling, what I thinking feels too real. I couldn’t even get the words out.With every word I’m putting my mind and my heart to the test. Feel like I’ve been erased; like I never existed .all the GoodMorning calls, and texting about anything& everything. Life felt real.(got my mind messed up). It’s hard not hearing your voice everyday. Checking my phone like maybe you texting but nah it’s my normal life without you. What you feeling, what you doing , do you miss me? Like damn do you even think of me? I got all these questions but when I see you I get chocked up ; I loose my mind & my words. It’s makes me upset because you make blank like a free check. lol . Man I would give anything for you to call. Out of sight out mind my ass. I feel it’s making it harder for me. Waking up in night sweats like wtf. Why am I dreaming about you? . The shit is scaring me. I try not to sleep because all I see is your face. It makes me sad. I can’t keep living like this.. me without you is looking at this glass half full. It’s been a crazy 6 months in my life I ain’t even gonna lie.. It’s like not talkin to you sucks because that’s all I wanna do. Lovin you is all I wanna do ; to be with you is truly what I wanted.its crazy because when im missing you the most you text me every time. It’s like you know how I feeling even being so far away. Every moment we were together is on repeat ; I watch it everyday. How do you fall for somebody you know can’t have? Feel like I did it to myself. I know this girl is my person. She doesn’t understand why I’m so sure. You ever get that feeling that you can’t explain? She asks me : Like why me ? Like why now? Shit I wish I knew but I wanna find out. You ever been so comfortable to let somebody in your life knowing they won’t hurt you. Scary feeling? To me she is my definition of perfection. She never judges me and we can talk abt anything & everything. You’ll prolly confused on why we not together but there are major obstacles in our lifestyles. ( maybe later on I will share why not).I have written a thousand letters on my phone .Thought of thousands speeches;in my head and try and get you back. I refuse to lose you forever even if it’s necessary. Let me live with hope that one day we will meet again. I’m not asking for something that was never there. I’m not asking for something to be invented. I just wanna go back to something we once had.something that was real. But for my wish to be fulfilled, my only option is to disappear. Or that’s what’s I’m told

[speakupcee]

Dear Ex,

You poppin back into my life I’ve never felt so happy in a really long time. Honestly it’s scary because it’s like self check wtf you been doing this whole time. I know things are never perfect but with you how could that be so true. How can we pick up the phone& act like we never left. That’s a crazy ass connection. Right? How can talking to you feel so right? Like it’s home! After 10+ years how could this connection be so strong? You keep me nervous like ima say the wrong thing. Like my heart skips a beat when isee you text or call me. Shouldn’t be happening right . All this emotions come flooding back like they have been waiting for you & only you. I can’t even think of the last time I cried. (Shit I didn’t even know tears existed). When love comes so easy and natural nothing we did really felt like work. Each night I replay are relationship in my head like is was so sad love movie. One last hug, one last kiss,one last cuddle, one last dance, one last smile, one last laugh, one last memory.I hold on to what I can remember to hope I can feel that again one day. I want you to know; I think about you, I think about us, I really don’t know why I reminisce about how things were.Even if sometimes, it makes me cry. I know, that I miss you like crazy But sometimes I feel it’s best if I pretend what would my life be with you? What if’s cloud my brain 🧠. Shit working overtime lol.. because I know I can’t have you.I forever treasure the person yu made me. You changed my life in ways you don’t even know. I would never be able to tell how much you truly meant to me. I will say is thank you. Thank you for showing me how to care. Every time you ask me if I’m okay I break down in tears because I don’t know what to say. Right now I really feel like this karma. Karma coming back and laughing at me like you fucked up so here it is. How could I meet my soulmate so young and not be ready for it. I ask myself that question everyday! Everything is so PERFECT just not the TIME. Something so close but yet so far. Like now yu gotta watch you be happy while you sit on the sideline. I want yu to know I don’t hate you , I’m not mad, shit I respect the fuck out of for even talkin to me & saying stop. That’s a real woman for you.. gosh how could I let somebody go like you. I will have to live w/that.. I hope are worlds align again.I just hope the next time we meet I’m ready for you.. will I ever get another chance.. I hope so ; shit I’m praying so this time will be different.. continue to live yur life to the fullest . I wish yu & yu wife nothing but the best!! This is what life is.. a bunch of decisions and hoping you make the right now. Figuring out yur mistakes and living with the consequences.Maybe, what I thought was perfect was never meant to be…

- this isn’t goodbye it’s see ya later

C💔❤️‍🩹😔

[speakupcee]

S/O to the CLASS O8/o9….My junior year straight crackin my senior was weaaakk…

My first day of HIGH SCHOOl.. man I remember that day like it was yesterday. You remember making sure you get all your school supplies( thinking like it’s middle school). You don’t need all that shit . A notebook, calendar, & some highlighters..( you couldn’t take home the textbooks) .. you looking like wth how ima do this homework?(mathway). Let me not get too off topic.lol my mom pulled up in her old tan dodge stratus. Like 2 hours before school opened.( she didn’t know what bus I was supposed to be on living hella far). I’m literally the only person here. She like ,”bye baby I gotta go to work”. That was the longest time of my life. Too be honest I was so culture shocked. Like man I ain’t never seen so many of my people. It felt like I was home. I didnt care as long as I had my J’s on. Nothing and nobody stopping me lol… Never did I take high school serious. Shit I wasn’t even thinking too far ahead . I got next year until next year came and I had to figure it out. This process aka life is a journey; has shown me so much I can accomplish the only person that can stop me is self.

[speakupcee]

I’m for the city that never sleeps “Sin CITY” BAbyyyy.. my uptopia were I can get and see just about anything. Growing up in VEGAS is nothing like ever before. Having everything at your finger tips , everything open 24 hours. it’s almost like you think the world is like that everywhere. People feel like vegas is so big but in reality it’s small. You know everybody and and everything that’s happening. Life is so different everybody in they own lane. Nobody is worried about what the next person got or don’t have. Learning how to get along with different people has always been in my nature. I have learned to adapt to any situation. Vegas laid the foundation of what ima do next..