southerngayprobz

[southerngayprobz]

Here I am again :(

So, I haven’t posted in a while, which is typical on here. Tonight, I am here to get more things off my chest. By the way, thanks to all the non-existent followers who read these posts!

I have been dating this guy (we’ll name him Jack) for a total of two months, but over the span of three months. We matched on Tinder back in the middle of May, and went on dates for about a month before I decided that we’d be better as friends. Long story short, I was trying to keep my options open when dating so that I don’t rush into anything with anyone. The reason I ending things with this guy is because I decided to pursue things with one of the other guys I was talking to (we’ll call him Harry). I won’t really focus on Harry in this post. Now, for the record, both of these guys are wonderful and genuine people. So... some of you may be wondering why I am writing this post. Things should have worked out where there were two genuine guys I was talking to. Right? RIGHT? Wrong.

Jack (the main guy that this post is about) is a couple of years younger than me. He is genuine, trustworthy, caring, and a family-oriented type of guy. He’s about two inches shorter than me, has strawberry-blond hair, blue eyes, and pale skin. I’d describe him as the nerdy kind of guy who got no attention in high school and barely any attention in undergrad. Like I mentioned before, he is very genuine, but he wears his heart on his sleeve. We went on a few dates, I enjoyed them and enjoyed those dates and the time I spent with him. We went hiking a couple of times, and went to a cave. We went out to eat at a few places, and after a few dates, i realized that we had more things in common than I’ve had with other men I’ve tried to date. We like a lot of the same TV shows. We have an overlapping on music artists we like, and arguably the most important, we share the same top two love languages. [For those of you who do not know what the five love languages are, I’d encourage you to take the Five Love Languages quiz, so that you can have a better idea of how you like to express love. the Five Love Languages are (in the order of mine from highest to lowest): quality time, physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, and gift giving.]

I was elated to know that we clicked in many areas. I learned all of this within the first month of us dating, and before I decided that we’d be better as friends. Everything changed mentally for me one night when he told me about the deepest baggage he had. I tried for a couple of weeks to put that baggage behind me, but I was unable to do so. So, I told him that I felt like we should just be friends, but I didn’t tell him why I wanted us to just be friends (basically the baggage he told me about). Over the next month, we hung out a couple of times as friends while I was pursuing things with Harry. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, I had no intention of dating him after the baggage he told me about, but I felt like he was a very genuine person, so I decided that he’d be a fantastic friend. Well, when things fizzled out with Harry, I invited Jack to come hang out - side note: I had just moved into my own apartment a week before things fizzled out with Harry. So I’m hanging out with Jack, and I was really aroused, so I told him I wanted to try having sex with him. To this day, I don’t understand why I decided to go through with having sex with him.

After we had sex, I felt extremely terrible because, honestly, I was disappointed in myself. I will explain some of the reason why later. After that night, I invited him to come over again the next night so that we could talk about the previous night and bury the hatchet. That conversation ended with us trying to date again. Once again, I don’t known why I decided to do this. I was opening myself up to bad things, but I decided that he had a lot of good qualities that outweighed the bad qualities. We’ve been dating for another month or so, but I think I should call it quits again.

I guess, at this point, I should give a little more information about Jack. As mentioned before, he is very trustworthy and loyal; however, he is not the most cultured or aware person. This may be nit-picky, but he doesn’t walk with confidence. He walks like a geek. I don’t know how else to say it, but it feels like he’s unaware of some social aspects. He’s not dumb or slow by any means; he’s really intelligent. The best way to describe it is that he acts like a sheltered individual who went to private school, and never picked upon regular cues you learn in middle and high school (like how to walk confidently and not draw negative attention to yourself).

[Warning: some of the items I mention may be petty turnoffs, but are important to mention] In addition to some of the things that I expect the person I’m dating to generally be aware of, there were some hygiene things I thought were subpar. For example, he doesn’t use a washcloth, sponge, or other utensil when taking a shower. He only uses his hands. I’m not sure if not using anything when taking a shower is normal, but it just sounds gross not to use anything to scrub your body with when taking a shower. How are you scrubbing the bacteria off or truly cleaning your skin when you’re only rubbing your skin with you hands? Also, one of the first times we jerked off together, he had the intention of wiping off the cum, putting on his clothes, and heading to work before I told him to take a shower (he was working the overnight shift at his job). It’s one thing to cum, wipe it off, the go to sleep, but I think it’s unacceptable to wipe cum off and go straight to work smelling like cum and sex sweat. That’s gross, and a huge turn off. It makes me wonder how much he values smelling nice when going to work... Next, he never dresses up when coming down to go to dinner. The most he did was wear jeans and a t-shirt. If we’re going out, we need to look good. Call it shallow if you want to, but if I’m going out with someone I plan to refer to as my boyfriend in the future, I’d like to feel proud about how well he presents himself in public. No, the clothes don’t make the person, but they play an integral role in appearing put together in public. Especially in the south where people are already subconsciously judging us as it is. Lastly, he’s not the most attractive guy out there, he looks like he’s already aging, and his hair already looks to have a bald spot. Call me superficial all you want, but I feel like I could do better physically.

Long story short, I’ve put all these things aside because I was trying to value his good qualities and ignore the negative ones. I’ve been trying so hard to tell myself that I wasn’t settling, but after a phone conversation with my brother and his girlfriend, I’ve come to realize that I have been lying to myself. If I want my significant other to dress well and walk upright without having to tell him, then I need to re-evaluate whom I’m dating. He’s never been manipulative, mean, or disrespectful to me. He has never intentionally angered me, or try to make me feel bad. At the end of the day, I did the things I have done with him because I felt like he was a genuine guy who didn’t deserve to be labeled by things that happened in his past. But in all honesty, I feel like I did the things because I felt bad for him. Of all things, I think that shows a lack of respect for me and my self-esteem and self-love.

Big takeaway: you’re still settling, even when the person holds all the core values you need in a relationship (loyalty, monogamy, trust, honesty, respect, etc.) if that person doesn’t meet the primal things like attractiveness, confidence, awareness, and charisma. I care about him immensely, but I have to be realistic. Since all the grievances I mentioned above are important to me, there’s not much more to say. It hurts to write all this, but there’s no easy way to say this without it coming off blunt, insensitive, and shallow. Honestly, the main reason why I can’t keep doing this is because I just get easily annoyed and angered (on the inside) sometimes when he’s around and when he’s not around.

Fuck, I feel like this is an extremely unfair characterization of an amazing guy. I feel like crying for even typing all of this up.

[southerngayprobz]

I’m so annoyed. I just sooooo tired of being single. I just want the simple things: love, companionship, great sex, trust, humor, happiness, and consistency.

I think having a roommate whose boyfriend moved in is also irking me. I’m tired of being a third wheel in my own apartment. I’m tired of eating dinner as the third person who’s just sitting there. I’ve put up with it since November and now it’s March. I’m fine most of the time but I really just wanted to tell both of the to get out. Nothing happened, I’m just really annoyed.

I’m extra annoyed because my roommate’s boyfriend told me last minute last night that his family was going to spend the night in our apartment. So, not only did I share the apartment, which wasn’t that bad, but they all used my bathroom and I’m kinda particular about that shit.

Anyways, I just went back to my room to isolate myself because I’m just really angry. They’re eating take out from a restaurant where my ex works and it just added to my frustration. This post is just me rambling but I’m just not in a good mood. I’m tired of getting up at various times between 5 and 6 am to go to work only to get back home between 6:30 and 8. Busy season is tiring and working saturdays in top of that is not fun. I just need a break from work, my roommate and her boyfriend, responsibilities, my constant internal fight to feel valued, etc. good night Tumblr.

[southerngayprobz]

Two Posts in Two Days

Hey imaginary friends, I’m baaaaacccckkkkk. So I thought I’d post again cuz it’s therapeutic. So not much has happened, but I thought I’d post more about this guy I’m not thinking about. 

So, a little backstory. My brother told me what I should do when talking to someone new. He said to give it a couple days before texting someone again. So after yesterday, I thought I’d give it a day or two before messaging him again. I hate playing these games. If I wanted to text or talk to someone, I should be able to do it without feeling like I’m being desperate or overbearing.

And here I am asking my brother and his girlfriend about when I should message him again. I like this guy, but I’m not sold. Idk how things will go. I honestly feel like not much will come from this, so why do I have this guy on my mind? Low key, my brother’s girlfriend is giving me good advice and I’m half listening to it.

I think Imma make this a short post and get this guy off my mind. Maybe I’ll text him tomorrow or maybe he’ll text me. Who knows? I refuse to get anxious or paranoid about a guy I went on one date with. Real things take time, and there’s plenty of time for that in the future.

But before I hit post, I just want to reiterate that THIS GUY IS HOT AND I WANT HIS ATTENTION, and with that said. I should let this go, and watch what happens.

[southerngayprobz]

Why is Life so Difficult?

So long time update since I haven’t been active at all. I’ve officially started my career in public accounting and it’s been very tough. I’ve received my CPA license, but I haven’t gotten a year of experience yet, so I am still “Inactive.” My job is stressful because I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing most of the time and we have to account for what all we do every day. Thankfully, we bill in 15 minute increments, but it’s extremely difficult to feel productive when it takes you forever to do tasks that other people brag about as being easy. My firm has sent me out to the client by myself multiple times. My firm has given me jobs to do that make no sense to my fresh brain. But most importantly, I feel like the biggest struggle I’ve had with my job so far has been learning how to use all the software we’re expected to master. I’ll put it this way, I’ve had to store my passwords for all of the applications we use so that I can figure out how to fucking get into the fucking software.

Ok, so none of what I just said (and I could go on days ranting about it) is what this post is about. Sure, I fucking hate my job and I question if I picked the right major for undergrad and grad school. But nonetheless, this post is once again about my love life. I have had roller coasters of feelings over the time I’ve put myself out there. I’m glad I made the blog posts I have, because they remind me of the things I went through. Right now, I’m living with one of my best friends from college. She teaches school and I’m a CPA (inactive). We moved into this apartment back at the end of July. Everything was exciting and stressful as fuck (from my job) when I first moved to where I now live. I was excited to be done with school and be on my way to bigger and greater things. Eager to take on the world and make some good money while doing it. Wrong. I have lost so much confidence since starting this job. It has messed with my self-esteem, it has increased my anxiety levels to higher heights, and it has ultimately made me feel as dumb as a rock. See, I’ve managed to get off topic again...

The question I posed was “why is life so difficult?” Well life is difficult for me because I feel so lonely all the time. My roommate’s boyfriend moved in with us back in November, and he was originally planning to leave around February. Well, it’s February, and I don’t think he’s planning to move out. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a really cool guy, and there haven’t been any issues with him rooming with us. The problem isn’t him. The problem is me being a third wheel in my own home. My roommate/friend assured me that he wouldn’t move in with us, but that changed. And I don’t want to be the guy who’s trying to split up a healthy, loving couple because of my third-wheel feelings. It would just be nice if I could find someone who makes me happy, is loyal to me, and is trustworthy and dependable. 

I dated this one guy for a couple of months in 2019, but he was acting shady, and I became paranoid because of it. I know I get in my own head a lot, but he was being extremely difficult to work with, It felt like he was doing just enough to keep me around, but not much more. I went on a date last night with this extremely gorgeous guy who appeared to be really feeling me. Only time will tell if we ever hang out again like he insists we should. If you sense a hint of cynicism in my tone, you’re paying pretty good attention! Anyway, I am very cynical because I’ve been told that before only to get cutoff later. I got my hopes up, and I got hurt. I’ve gotten my hopes up a good amount of times, and each of those times, I was let down. I’ve ended things before, but most of the times I’ve gotten my hopes up, the other guy has already gotten bored with me. Basically like a cool toy a kid  gets for Christmas that gets forgotten because the kid has found a cooler toy soon after.

In addition to my cynicism, this guy has said that he gets bored easily. That’s a red flag. Also, because he knows he really attractive and cares about social media a lot, he is more inclined to be a douche. Who knows though. I’d just rather someone give it to me straight than to lie and say they want to hang out again, but then ghost me or give me the runaround over and over again.

I guess I should consider asking myself if maybe I’m the problem, or I’m contributing to the problem. I know what you would be thinking if you knew me: “hey, it’s not you. Most of these guys just don;t give a damn.” And I’d agree. I seem to only be attracted to fuckboys... Wow I am a stereotypical gay guy or straight girl counterpart. However, I have learned a lot about myself from some of the dates I’ve gone on. We had few awkward conversational patches throughout the evening, but we also did pretty well for hanging out for 3-4 hours just talking.

Anyway (again), I digress. I should probably rap this post up with a little humor. At the end of the date, I dropped him off so he could go help a friend out with some stuff. I park so we could say goodbye. From my limited experience of dating, I’ve only hugged guys on the first date. When we leaned in, I thought we were going in for a hug. He was going in for a kiss; and so we kissed... My awkward ass had to say “oh wow, I wasn’t expecting that,” midway through our mini-make-out session. God I am such a geek/nerd. But fuck he had AMAZING lips. Oh my fuck.

[southerngayprobz]

My Fears

I type this because I fear so many things. My privilege is that almost all of my fears are self-inflicted. As a black, gay man in the South, I feel like I am a walking time bomb for something bad. I feel as though my mind does not allow me to let certain fears go. I feel like there are constant reminders to the things I have going on in my life.

Is it practical to want a perfect life? Yes. Is realistic to live a perfect life? No. Why can’t these two questions share the same answer? I don’t know.

As I mature through these pivotal years of my young adult journey, I am plagued with fears that I will screw up in ways that I cannot recover from. I fear that I will never live up to the potential that I have. I fear that I will not get the most out of life that I desire. More concretely, I am deadly afraid of not having good health. 

As I continue to live each day, I am faced with new experiences, both good and bad. Some experiences fall into my lap, and others, I create. As I come more and more out of my late-blooming shell, am I setting myself up for more good consequences, or am I dragging myself down a road that leads to bad things? I speak in abstract because I am too afraid to be too concrete. 

I say things like “I am deadly afraid of not having good health,” but I don’t go into the details about the health fears I have. I worry about finding the right man, but I have been finding myself giving into sexual gratification instead of purity. Every time I take a step to gratify my sexual desires, I open up the chance of becoming a damning statistic that stereotypes my sexuality. And just as bad is the constant fear of becoming this statistic that drives me crazy. I feel as though the mild things I do shouldn’t put me at high risk, but my level of risk tolerance is extremely low. I feel like I cannot trust anyone, and rightly so.

My sexual orientation is seen as one that is perverted and nymphomanic, but I see myself as an exception to the rule. I would rather stay pure and wait for the right someone to share my sexual desires with, but my passion for pleasure can sometimes be overbearing.

How do others keep their fears at bay so well? Do they just not have fears? How are they able to take such risks and not worry about the consequences? I feel like I have walked on eggshells my whole life to preserve myself, but all my hard work could go to waste in a single night if I hook up with the wrong person. Surely there will always be someone out there he would still love me. And surely, my life would not be over as it probably would have been in the 1980s, but having better medicine today versus back then as a mitigating tool is not enough to be reckless or careless.

I just want to feel safe, clean, pure, and confident. I wish I had my monogamous relationship with the man of my dreams. I wish he could be here to comfort me when I am overly worried about every small detail all the time. I wish he were here to tell me everything is going to be alright. I wish he were here to tell me not to worry about the little things.I wish he were here before I started turning to gratifying things to feel the void of love. I wish I didn’t go cuddle with men I barely know to make me feel safe. Cuddling with them to make me feel more secure about myself is just toxic and sad. The memory of holding some man I barely know tight just to feel a sense of security is disheartening in hindsight.

The more I type, the more of a cry for help I notice. Who do I talk to? Who do I know. Why am I so alone? Why do I feel tarnished? Why do I feel like I’ll never find companionship? Why must I crave companionship to feel okay with myself? Why can’t I be content and happy by myself?Why don’t I have an extremely close group of friends around me? Why do I question everything? For those who feel like God can fix this, why would he put us through this in the first place (if he’s even real)?

I just want to be happy, healthy, and content. If any of this resonates with you, let’s be friends. I just want to be open and honest with someone.

[southerngayprobz]

I Need to Get Out of My Head

Do you ever just feel like you’re making a mistake but you can’t seem to stop yourself? That’s me right now. I feel like I am making another big mistake in my life. What am I doing with my life? Am I settling for the only person I feel like I can get? Am I not thinking clearly and rationally? Oh my God, I just cannot stop my brain from going full fledged. 

I decided to FaceTime the guy I recently talked to / briefly dated earlier this Summer. I told him that I couldn’t be just friends with him (not to mean that I was head over heals for him). I told him that seeing his posts on Facebook did something to me emotionally. It was like seeing his posts reminded me of hard times and good times. Seeing his posts reminds me of all that we shared with each other and all that we struggled through with each other. There was animosity that I could not control. I felt like seeing him reminded me of all the things I went through mentally and emotionally during and after we ended things. I ultimately told him it was like either we date or we do not contact each other because I cannot handle being reminded of the good and bad things that happened. The reminders emotionally affect me in ways nothing else does. It feels like a hint of kryptonite enters my mental flow and causes havoc.

These feelings are like ones I had never experienced before. When we were dating, I felt like I was on cloud nine but my nerves were also through the roof. After we broke up, I was going through extremely difficult personal things in life (in which I associated with that relationship) that weighed on me more than the burdens and amazing feelings I had during the relationship. It felt like I was going through multiple life crises at the same time.

One of the crises still is too difficult to type out right now, but the other crisis dealt with my faith. As you may have noticed, I was brought up in a faith-based family and my sexual and companionship desires were in conflict with the Bible. I still wrestle with that to this day as I have not been able to decide or determine what is actually right for me. That’s a different conversation in which you can see some of my earlier posts to get more clarity on. He told me he still hasn’t been able to determine if he is supposed to be with a guy when he gets married. That was one topic that (once again) had subsided into the back of my subconscious mind. I forgot the amount of stress I induced myself with over the monumental step it would be to intentionally marry another male and live out our lives as “sinners”in the eyes of the Christian God.

I realize as I type this that those fears have not left, but have subsided. What do I do? God, if you are real, please tell me what to do. I don’t want a whisper of your voice. I don’t want a “sign” from you that I can easily discredit as a coincidence. I want you to come down and present yourself to me as the all-powerful God you are. You have the ability to do it, and I am asking you to do it. I could really use your help if you’re out there. Please... since you love me, tell me what to do. I’m begging you, and I am unashamed to ask for your help (even though I’ve publicly denounced you). Just prove yourself to me. There are so many things I feel like you’ve had a hand in, but in many of those things, I feel like I can easily disqualify the fact that you were present in the things that happened. Stop toying with me if you are real. This is a life or death decision in your eyes, and I would like to know if I should put my faith in you.

How am I supposed to focus on the CPA exam if I am thinking about someone else. It literally consumes my mind, and it feels like he is consumed by it as much as I am. I feel like he has so many flaws, but one of my biggest fears is that I am not as important to him as he is to me. Am I just another person he has been with or does he truly have feelings for me the way I seem to have for him? Is it possible to make this work even though we live so far apart from each other? Is potentially getting back with him going to harm me in any way that I may not be able to fix? Will this only make things worse? Gosh, I feel like this post is all negative. Maybe it’s telling me something I have told myself from the beginning.

It’s a mistake.

[southerngayprobz]

Labels and How We Define Ourselves

“Hi, my name is Gay and I am Gay. I like to gay in my gay time. I enjoy thinking gaily about gay things. I have a passion for gayness.”

Okay... what’s wrong with my definition about myself? I feel like I described myself pretty well. Didn’t I tell you about my hobbies, my passions, and the things I think about? Don’t you feel like you know me better now? Nope. This is a major problem with many people in the gay community. We focus every aspect of our lives on our sexuality. Everything we do must either tie back to or fit in with being LGBT+. I am an example of this and I have to catch myself (hell, look at my Tumblr handle).

The point of this post: being gay is merely a label. Being gay (or any area of the LGBT+ community) should not define you. Imagine reading your obituary and every sentence had to be about your sexuality. How much would you feel like you’ve contributed to the world during your lifetime?

As a perfect example of labeling oneself, I grew up having irrational fears because I focused my life around being gay, but I’ll use examples from my time in college. I felt like I shouldn’t be a male RA for an all-male floor because I was gay. I felt like I should keep my head down on campus because I didn’t want people gossiping about me being on the down low. I was worried that I would lose friends if they truly knew my sexuality. You get the point; I felt like being gay was (1) a negative thing and (2) conflicting and restricting me from being able to live freely. Because I have this concrete idea of who am am, I am supposed to rework my whole life around it. Instead of just being myself, I felt like I needed to either commit to being (and acting) gay or deny being gay all together. Oh the destruction this one label can do.

Although I did many things in undergrad, I look back and realize I could have done a lot more and felt more comfortable doing those things. I felt like I accumulated and accomplished many things, but I never found love, and still haven’t. Being gay (the label I made it out to be) inhibited me from reaching the full potential I had. And being completely honest, if I didn’t accomplish as much as I did, but lived life more fully, I feel like I would be more content than I am now.

Labels are for the minds of the limited. This post isn’t intended to support any type of agenda. It is merely a thought we should all consider. Don’t limit yourself or put yourself in a box because of how you define yourself. 

Defining ourselves can lead to division, distraction, and destruction. Please do not occupy your time and brainpower on one of the many characteristics you portray. You have so many attributes to strengthen and admire about yourself.

Lastly, you have the power to think critically about how you define yourself. Quit imitating the stereotypes of whatever label your trying so hard to fit into. You have the ability (through your mind) to redefine yourself however you need!

So, let me introduce myself again. “Hi, my name is southerngayprobz and I am a human. I like to write tumblr posts in my free time. I like to think deeply on the philosophy of life. I have a passion for nothing.”

[southerngayprobz]

My (Current) Thoughts on Christianity

So If you haven’t realized yet, I have a love-hate relationship with Christianity. I was brought up believing in Jesus and knew him to be the savior of my life, but the water that baptized me has become murky. My main point for this blog is to explain why I think God either (1) can’t be perfect, or (2) doesn’t love us. I already know I won’t be able to cover everything on my mind about this topic, but I’ll start with an example that all Christians should be familiar with. So, sit up, don’t relax, and question the thoughts I have.

As someone who was brought up believing in Christianity, I have come to realize how absurd its whole concept can be if I change the perspective in which I view it. In all reality, we put our faith in God just like kids put their belief in Santa, yet we all can admit that Santa isn’t real. In the Christian realm, God loves us; I cannot argue God’s feelings towards us, but what if I told you that Him loving us does not make sense? In the viewpoint of a Christian, we are taught to believe that God is working everything out for the good of those who believe. What if things weren’t good from the beginning? Let’s take a look back to the beginning of time (according to the Christian Bible).

God created the world and its inhabitants and said everything was good. He created Adam and Eve and gave them specific instructions not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Sounds cool... right? We all (almost all in the U.S.) know how this story ends. They eat from the tree and are told they will surely die. My first question is concrete: why did he put the tree of the knowledge of good and evil in the Garden of Eden in the first place? My second question is abstract: if God is perfect, how can anything evil come from his creation? The major argument I get for my questions is that God gave us free will. That is the most ridiculous answer I have received (but it is backed up with scripture), but I can explain why this excuse is insane in a different post!

The major issue with free will as it relates to my questions is the fact that we should excuse God from setting us up for failure just because we have free will (and NO experience/knowledge when we first enter the world). Let’s go back to the part of the story where the serpent in the Garden of Eden tempted Eve to eat the apple. Do you know why this part of the story is so pivotal? The serpent is also the same fallen angel known as Lucifer. An alarm should go off in your head. There were fallen angels before Adam and Eve were in the garden. There was already imperfection before we walked this earth (if viewing history through the Christian lens). God placed them in an already corrupted environment (which already contradicts the idea that the Garden of Eden was Heaven on Earth). How could the one who created us and loved us placed us on a corrupt, unknown land and expect us to thrive with the free will he gave us?

Let’s move on to the second issue with the Lucifer example. The serpent tempted Eve, who didn’t know the rules of the garden, into eating the apple. Eve then convinced Adam, who did know the rules, to eat the apple. Damn... their free will destined all of us for sickness, hardship and death! Don’t worry, the average Christian will remind you that each of us would have responded in the same way. That makes things better right? Wrong. If any human being would have fallen for the same trap, then what the hell was the point in placing us in the Garden of Eden with the forbidden tree? What loving God would set us up like that if he loved us? OH, and I forgot to mention, God knows everything that will happen. He’s all-knowing remember?

*If you would like actual citations for actual scriptures, I would love to message back and forth with evidence straight from the Christian Bible

[southerngayprobz]

It’s Been a While!

Soooo... I’ve been away for some time, but thought I’d type away my thoughts because I always feel better after blogging. Life has been VERY interesting and uneventful at the same time lately. Sounds strange, but yeah... I’ve manage to (pending finals) complete my second semester of grad school and I’m super nervous about the next six months as I’ll be studying for like four hours almost each day to pass all four parts of the CPA exam. I don’t know about anyone else, but the most frequent way I respond to anxiety is by mentally shutting down. I’m not the type of person who cries (though I wish I could express my emotions better by crying them out) and gets super panicky. Instead, I stop being productive. 

Procrastination on doing important things is normal, but it gets extremely bad when it comes to extremely stressful life decisions. I had to pay a check for almost $1000 to pay for all four parts of the CPA exam and the application fee, but that’s not where the majority of the stress came from. We have this review course that is tied into my graduate program that is more expensive than the entire CPA exam itself. I am lucky to have a firm who (1) offered me a job back before I graduated from undergrad for when I complete my grad degree and (2) has offered to pay half the costs of the review course, but I am nervous to commit to the two year agreement to work for the firm. It’s not because I don’t want to work there (I am excited to work there), but it’s nerve-racking to make that commitment at my age. It’s especially nerve-racking because the firm is still located here in the South and I have been wanted to move away from the South for a while, but that’s another story I haven’t told yet.

I just don’t know what I want out of life. I feel like lately, all of my ideas, morals, and viewpoints in life suddenly were destroyed. Basically, I grew up on Christian values, believed in the Christian God, and based my morals around the Bible. Then, as I progressed through undergrad, I started to view Christianity in a different light. I can make a blog post about that soon too because it is a very important topic I want to discuss. Throughout the slow transition from Christian to a non-label (I use this term to say I don’t want to label what I believe because I honestly don’t know), have come to open my mind to view life from different perspectives. At the same time, I started to truly embrace my sexuality. I began to embrace it not as a curse that God would rescue me from, but as a sense of uniqueness and a beautiful trait of mine. I also learned not to revolve my life around my sexuality. Ooh! Another topic I’d love to blog about (I promise those blog posts won’t be nearly as long). Anyway as I became to accept myself more, I became more desperate to find love. I definitely learned to moving too fast is NOT the right thing to do, which is a story I don’t think I want to share anytime soon lol.

But basically, that short-lived relationship brought back all of the fears and questions I suppressed in the back of my mind. I found myself at the ultimate crossroads of crossroads: do I choose Christianity or living the gay lifestyle? At that moment, all of my new beliefs came crashing down. Did what I believe to be truth stand up to what I was brought up to believe? I ultimately decided to go back to Christianity. I then suppressed my doubts about Christianity just like I suppressed my fears that Christianity could be true when I departed from it. The crazy, sad, and even insane part is that I’m shifting away from Christianity again.

Soooo... to tie things back to the beginning of this post, I feel paralyzed because I don’t know what to believe and how to move forward. I feel like I am constantly in a life crisis; I am reading my very own man-versus-self novel in which the ending has not been written. What am I supposed to do?

[southerngayprobz]

Oh No... The Feels Are Back (kinda)

So... apparently I have slightly caught the feels again. 

The Feels: Something that lasts way longer than the flu and is way harder to treat and even harder to detect coming. 

The feels always subtly creep up on me, and I hate it. I just want to know why I constantly have this problem where I catch feels for a co-worker. I got lucky on my last internship because I was the only male in my office. Now my work space is shared with 4 other interns. What the hell??? Do I subconsciously yearn to find someone to have a crush on or am I just getting unlucky? I think I am becoming desperate for love. I’ve downloaded Tinder and everything. I feel like I’m wasting my life away sometimes. I turn 22 later this month, and I have no experience to show for my past. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkk.....

The guy I am currently catching the feels for is such a nerd, but I love it. I think his personality is cute, and I like how minutely awkward he is. Either I am a hormone-raging Millennial,or he has a cute butt. Either way, my two different types of attractions for guys are intertwining. Usually I can categorize my attractions into emotional (real) attractions and sexual (lust) attractions. His personality and my diminishing ability to focus while being around him satisfy the emotional criteria, but my lust for his body serves the lustful criteria. At the moment, I think the lustful criteria is overpowering the emotional side, but I actually missed him while he was on his audit the first half of the week. When he came back yesterday, my theory that I had some type of feelings was confirmed. I feel like I’m flirting with him sometimes, and I have these tingling sense that he is checking me out. But I’ve mostly been wrong in the past when I have these senses. My Gaydar must not be calibrated.

[southerngayprobz]

Two Posts, One Day

Let’s delve deeper into the psychological understandings of my sexual preferences. I was a late bloomer when it came to sexual attraction. By late bloomer, I mean 8th grade with when I realized my sexuality. Everyone else was always taking about girls and I just never had the burning desire to date a girl or have sex. Granted I didn’t have an attraction for guys either at the time. My attraction for guys came about around the end of Fall in 8th grade. I was watching this show called Degrassi, and there was this gay character named Marco. I had never been exposed to the narrative or lifestyle of a gay person (let alone teenager figure who was a couple years older than me).

I immediately resonated with his struggles and his passions. I longed for him to find love and be happy. Seeing him depressed because of being closeted and dating a girl as a beard connected with me on an emotional level. My heart was filled with so much joy when he encountered a boy he liked, and they hit it off. I honestly cannot remember the story-line that much, but it’s safe to say that his alternative lifestyle had flipped some type of switch inside me.

I’ll admit that I have watched adult things by this time, just like others my age were doing. I made excuses as to why I’d somehow end up looking at pictures of naked men instead of women. I am not going into detail with that because that is irrelevant from the purpose of this post. Basically, I thoroughly enjoyed gay porn...

So that was more of the initial physiological side of my sexual orientation. Next, I’d like to dive into my preferences. Please don’t be offended by anything I post because this is helping me pin down why I am what I am. I have a preference for white or Latino guys. Did I ever mention that I am black? That shouldn’t matter, but it does in regards to my last post about Tinder. I like the way their hair is set up, and I like the way they look physically. That is a preference, not a bias. I also tend to be drawn to guys who come off as straight (wow this is probably why it’s so hard to find the right guy). This does not mean the same as masculine in my book. Masculinity has been misdefined, and I’ll save that spiel for another post maybe. There are flamboyant guys who come off as straight and masculine guys who do not come off as straight. Straight does not have to mean manly, it just means, they act more normal to society’s cultures. This is the part where I ask no one to be offended.

Based on the synopsis of my sexually listed above, I’d like to envision me and my mate walking down the street as proud as can be. I’d love to prove to the straight community that not all gay people are strange. Let’s face it, some of us are a little strange, but I love that about us. I just want to prove a point. If you’d like to have an argument that I am trying to heteronize our community, I’d probably tell you I am guilty of that. Regardless of if they approve or not, I’d like to prove that we are not a bunch of sex-craved perverts as we are made out to be. We can be just as effective, if not more, than heteros at anything we put our minds to. I would like to view my relationship as a power couple, that can conquer anything. Maybe not like Frank and Claire Underwood, but more like Barack and Michelle, but they gay version. That may be a stretch, but you catch my drift.

[southerngayprobz]

New Area, Same Issue

Despite the title, I have made more efforts to find love. So as you all know (I’m talking to the empty room of people who follow this blog), I am gay. I have not had a real relationship, but I was hoping to make progress with the Tinder app. I created it about a month ago. Back story: I finished up my last semester as an RA at the end of 2017. Since then, I went back to working for the state of Alabama in Montgomery (where I interned over the Summer of 2017) for about a month before my second internship started a couple weeks ago. 

I have had multiple chances to find the right guy to strike up a meaningful conversation that could turn into a budding relationship. I know I’m being a hopeless romantic with high expectations, but as we all know, my expectations never turn into reality, which may be for the best, but who knows. So, I first downloaded Tinder when I was staying in Montgomery. There was an okay selection, given the fact that it is Alabama, but it was way less than I was expecting for a larger metro area like Montgomery. I matched with a few cute guys, but nothing came of it. I have no experience when it comes to intentionally talking to someone I would like to date. I used statements like “Hey man,” which I thought would give off the vibe that I am not on the flamboyant side; however, some of my friends that reviewed my conversations told me that is not a conversational mouthpiece when trying to talk to someone you’d call your boyfriend instead of a buddy. Oops... 

Well fast-forward. I am on my second internship in Birmingham, which had a little bit of a larger selection, but I still have not had any luck. I think I’ve only messaged one guy since being here, and he only responded once. I feel like that must be the common courtesy on Tinder. Replying once seems to be about all I get from any of these guys. There is only one guy I have not responded to, but that’s because I wasn’t feeling him too much. Why is this dating thing so difficult? I’d really like to avoid selling myself short by swiping right on average guys I know for sure I wouldn’t want to kiss or do more with. I get a good amount of likes, but they must be from the ratchets or something, because I never seem to get too matches with the ones I swipe right on...

[southerngayprobz]

I finally... still don’t have what I want.

So, it’s been a while since I have posted. Here is the latest update to a new problem going on in my life. So I work in a different dorm this academic year with a different staff. Thank God... or at least that’s what I thought. I work in an all-guys dorm and I really like my co-workers. One of them I like too much (if you catch what I’m putting down). I have had these feelings for one of my co-workers since we moved into the dorms back at the beginning of August. He is an awesome guy, and I’ll leave it at that because I would never get to the point if I listed how I liked him. 

Fast-forward to a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in the dining hall with him and a few other RAs and friends when a friend of his started asking all of these hypothetical questions about this girl in his chemistry class who he likes. He thinks that she is a lesbian, but he isn’t 100% sure. All of this was under the guise of a hypothetical (may I remind you). He was asking us what he should do. That question didn’t peak my curiosity, but the second hypothetical did. He set up the second hypothetical about having a roommate who was basically jacking off in the shower while he was in the room next door (they live in an apartment-style dorm). The same weekend he asked this hypothetical, I saw the guy who lives next door to my room in my dorm, laughing and joking with his friends while looking at me. I was 110% sure the guy next door to me told his friends and my co-worker about something I’ve done in my spare time and that they were all laughing at me about it. Two days later I put 2 and 2 together and I swear I thought I got 4, but in hindsight, I really got 5.

Fast-forward to yesterday. They bring up the first hypothetical again at a round table with 5 other people not including me and them, and I thought they were picking with me again. Here is the problem: I misread every possible detail of that hypothetical and thought he, and the co-worker I have a crush on, were referring to me being gay and how I thought they were picking with me. 

Long story cut (semi-) short, I hate everything and everyone. Not really, but I feel like the biggest dumbass ever. I literally told 5 innocent victims my biggest secret because I thought the two guys were playing games with all of us at the table. I’m waiting for my embarrassment to dissipate, which may take a while. The reason why I now know the truth is because I had an honest conversation with my co-worker and told him everything, and he was like, oh that stuff had nothing to do with you, and I have no problem with any of the stuff. So he was super chill about everything, but it still sucks because I still have the feels and now other people know my business that I wasn’t intending to tell.

[southerngayprobz]

A week after Finals and Check Outs

So I completed all of my Finals and Check Outs (as an RA) and I've completed the first week of my Summer internship. I think to myself about how I could have used a few days off in between both jobs and school, but that would have left me plenty of time to think. When I have time to think, my emotions come out stronger than usual. I've completed my first week of adulting by finishing a week of my internship which is located 3 hours from home (which means I'm not living at home or in a dorm). The work has been cut out for me at my job, but it has kept me from thinking about my non-existent love live... at least until now. I'm sitting in my bed on a Saturday night with nothing to do. The thoughts reemerge of how emotionally manipulated I felt regarding the boy I mentioned in the previous post. I thought about how calculating he really is. Over the past year I've come to think of him as a snake, but now I'm convinced. How do you trust someone who's lied to you for so long. Although he laid his sex life on the table, the things revolving around it are still a mystery to me. He told me nobody else in his friend group knows, but I've but 2 and 2 together and thought about how that could have been a lie. One of the girls who worked under him in his building was always nervous that he said nice things to her but told the housing office different things that could impact her getting rehired. I was wondering why she was so paranoid but it clicked that he told her the truth about him but has made her swear to him that she wouldn't tell me. Here's another example, one of my staff members has a gay best friend who is coming to college at my school in the Fall. During my lay-it-all-on-the-table conversation with the guy who messed with my emotions, he said he might not be able to resist this gay best friend if the friend came on to him. My staff member later said jokingly about how the emotion-messer-wither wouldn't be able to handle the gay best friend coming on to him. Now, she could have taken it to mean he would have felt uncomfortable with this guy making advances on him (if she genuinely didn't know what the emotion-killer meant), OR she knew the truth, but said what she said to make the joke but hide the truth under the umbrella that I would think she said he would not be able to handle the sexual advances with her joke coming off to me as him feeling uncomfortable. Wow that must be confusing. Nonetheless, I have my suspicions that he may have told me some of the truth but omitted some of it. I swear he calculates stuff but he won't admit it. See... this is why thinking isn't always good. The emotions have subsided but they're still there. I analyzed a dream I had last night where he and I were on a road trip and we were taking dangerous roads (not bad areas, but like winding roads and roads you have to be extremely careful on). I felt safe/comfortable with riding with him but I would've have felt safe riding with anyone else. That was a sign that I trusted him (which is completely wack just based on everything I mentioned above). And there were other physiological factors that played in my dream. All I'm saying is psychologically there is still something there. Emotions suck.

[southerngayprobz]

I'm Back!!

So I have these feelings for a guy who I've been friends with since freshmen year (I just finished my junior year and we're about to leave for the summer). Just recently he finally told me he was bi after he's told everyone that he's straight. He claims I'm the only one who knows about him being no other than the multiplier guys in our state that he's hooked up with multiple times each. To put it short, I've spent my whole Junior year convincing myself that he was straight although I saw the signs. We had to work together as co leaders of two forms (were both head RAs for two buildings that have worked together since they've been erected. Fast forward to today (or I should this night) were at the bar with friends and my feelings reemerge as they do at the end of every semester. Damn he is attractive to me. He's not the most physically appealing but I can't help but to like him. The only reason why he told me he was bi is because he posted in our staff groupme and the back arrow on his iPhone said Grindr. I had no clue how to process the new info when I saw it. Keep in mind I found that out right before finals and I had no ability to focus because I was in so much shock. What kills me the most is that I know part of his preferences (as far as women go) include black females. I can't help but to wonder if he finds me attractive. He told me he's never had feelings for a guy but that he finds guy's also attractive. I even told him I still liked him when he told me everything he's done. I don't understand how I'm supposed to react after working closely with him for so long. I forgot to mention that I told him I was gay at the end of RD (head RA) training before the other RAs got there. He breaks my heart especially because he hasn't said anything about feelings to me. I barely ever develop feelings for people but it never seems to be the guy who is also interested in me. The main shock (which has dissipated) was finding out he also liked guy's after denying it for three years. Damn you man. I got over my feeling for you right as you made the careless mistake that led to you telling me the truth (if that's even the truth). I don't even know what to trust anymore. Thank you for messing with my emotions 🙃

[southerngayprobz]

Emotionally Exhausted

I am so tired of being emotionally exhausted. I have all of these bottled feelings that I don’t express to anyone. I decided to come here to blog out my thoughts. I’m frustrated with how closeted I am. Many of my friends know I’m gay but I’ve been single all my life. I just want to be free. I don’t know what that envisions, but I hope it includes happiness. I’m tired of depriving myself of living life to the fullest. I’m a Junior in a super conservative college in Alabama. I just want to be out and not have to worry about making other people feel uncomfortable. There is the Freshman that I have a crush on, but I’ve spoken to him maybe once or twice in passing. The problem is that he makes it painfully obvious that he feels awkward around me. He does whatever possible to make sure he doesn’t make I contact with me. What do I do. I feel paralyzed whenever I think about him and how I don’t have the courage to approach him. There’s always that fear that he’s not gay. He’s really pretty and cute and well put together. He definitively matches the descriptions I like in other guys. What do I do?