songe

[songe]

I can understand why there are so many people who are struggling, depressed and overwhelmed at the moment. There seems to be a lot going on in the world.

For those of us though who have already experienced a lot of up and down, shocks and stress, I have to admit the most I feel these days is a kind of 'oh here we go again' dread. 'What am I going to have to go through/deal with this time'.

This is probably why a lot of older people are kind of blaise about events of today. They know, as I do, that regardless of how hard it get, how difficult it is or how stressful it gets, you do whatever you have to or need to, to get through it.

Which is why as the pain in my hands and arms get worst, I am merely resigned at the fact that I need to keet adapting my life to fit my disability.

I am tired and lonely and yes depressed and each day the rest of the world seems to be falling apart as governments fail to give people the help they ask for and instead waste billions of dollars on giving people what they think they need.

Nothing new there though. At the end of the day, I still need to get out of bed, eat breakfast and find ways to keep my brain occupied enough not to go entirely insane out of boredom.

At any rate, forgive me for ditching the whole growing food idea and am now deciding to grow whatever I damn well feel like. I may as well do something that brings some pleasure and joy in my life.

[songe]

You know, I am not sure what it's going to take to make the government realise that you can't just shove a disabled person into any old place and consider it good enough.

I have a massive problem with temperature for instance and I am running a heater 24/7 on cool days to keep things as close to my ideal temperature as possible. Which is going to cost me hundreds in my next power bill.

It would make much more sense for me to live in a properly insulated house.

I live with mental health and depression problems, having me live alone is not a good thing. I currently have no nurse to do my daily injections and must do them myself, while trying to tell myself to not use the injection to do myself harm.

I struggle to use my hands to do pretty much everything. There is no dishwasher, no washing machine, no dryer, or any tools or technology that might make daily chores, like chopping food for meals, easier.

At some point, I am going to need an assistance dog. A few years ago I had a pet dog that could make my bed, help me put the shopping away, stop me from walking out in front of traffic, could cheer me up and calm me down.

There is no possible way for me to have one in this place when there is no yard.

What is it going to take for the government to realise each disabled person needs a place tailored to their needs. When are we going to be given the control and power and flexibility to create the best lifestyle possible to suit our disability.

[songe]

After a couple of days, my new unit is at least better organised if still somewhat messy looking.

My amazing crew of support workers and volunteer organisations like the Salvation Army is doing a terrific job of helping me with everything from a fridge and microwave to cutlery and crockery.

They are even helping with furniture. So far I have a bed, even if its not put together yet but more will be coming soon.

So far I've only opened my laptop once, to do all that change of address stuff but I am still using my phone more often then I should to entertain my brain.

Still even this small change seems to be reducing the amount of pain I've been feeling in my shoulder and arms. Now let's try putting down the phone more often.

[songe]

After a couple of hectic days, I have moved into my new public housing unit.

As you can tell the unpacking is going swimmingly.

Hopefully after a couple more days, I can show something a bit tidier and better sorted.

[songe]

What I am currently dealing with. That top number is what I receive on a disability pension. That minus deduction underneath it is how much it costs in rent and board at the homeless hostel I am currently staying in.

That's right, it costs more than my disability pension to stay at a hostel for homeless people! WTF? How sick is that right?!

The rest of the numbers is rent subsidy, medical subsidy and power. Every now and again I get money for phone as well.

Want to know what you get for that kind of money?

I share a room with a lovely old lady with nowhere else to go and dirty, disgusting shared bathrooms that haven't been updated since about the 1980s.

I am left with about $140 per fortnight or $70 per week to; pay medication, vitamins, food for the times I can't eat what's on the menu, haircuts, mouthwash, hearing aid batteries, phone credit, anything else I might need that isn't covered.

I do get soap, shampoo, meals that most of the time that I can eat, power and water is paid for, $100 in clothes per year which doesn't go very far. An in-house GP and medical staff.

Other than bingo however, there are no activities or anything for the people here to do. Most rot away in front of the communal TV. Most have lost any hope of life improving or getting better and simply sit around, waiting to die.

Self care or hygiene is basically non-existent because they have stopped caring. The staff do what they can but most have become so conditioned to the situation that they are rather blaise about it.

The staff are burnt out, over worked and stressed and only really care about the money they get so they can feed their family and survive this cost of living hell too.

[songe]

With luck, I will be moving into this clean, modern, one bed unit next week. The one thing I like most about is the big windows letting in plenty of light.

I have no idea how possible it will be to grow a produce garden indoors, with hopefully enough of a continuous havest to keep one person fed, but it's going to be fun to try.

It's certain something you pretty much never see online or on TV or in books anywhere. Growing produce indoors is never seen and the only reason I will attempt it is because of a, those big windows and b, We get plenty of sunlight here in Western Australia.

You almost never see a produce garden for just one person or an attempt to create a continuous harvest for one either.

Even with discounted rent money will be an issue however. My support worker wants me to start buying items for it, such as curtains, but my priority for my next pay is phone credits, hearing aid batteries, vitamins, medication and pain killers.

There is also the issue of needing food. Do the governments really not understand how much they are playing with other people's lives and their health by not providing appropriate support?

Which is why I will continue my 18 plus months worth of arguing with the NDIA for SIL(supported independent living). A unit with no yard really isn't the appropriate place for the assistance dog I would like to have.

Moving also means I no longer have access to an in-house nurse to do my daily injections for me. Kind of scary considering how often I think about how easy it would be for me to use a syringe to kill myself with.

It will also mean having to be a lot more careful about using the internet. It will be interesting to see how much of my current joint and muscle pain is actually caused by RSI. Spending all day and every day on the computer because the WiFi is free and I can't afford to do fuck all else.

My poor ADHD brain is probably going to really, really struggle with this, at least at first.

[songe]

Life restart

I thought about starting a proper blog but really don't want to go to the bother. Tumblr basically started out as a way to have an online diary so that's what I'll use it for.

Anyway, after a number of years waiting I finally have an offer for public housing. I've been waiting for a very long time now for a chance like this, now it's just a matter of seeing if I can turn my ideas and the things I've been dreaming about into a reality.

I've been crunching some numbers and have come up with a basic idea of the budget I need to work with, have a list of must haves, like a bed, a fridge and a list of things I need to work towards, like storage shelves, rugs, microwave.

The place is fairly small but modern and easy clean, has a nice window that gets in lots of light so I can grow plants. I'm allowed to have fish, which for me is a must have, but no yard so if I ever get an assistance dog then I'll have to get something else.

I won't have a TV but I haven't much bothered with TV for years but I also won't have the free wifi I've had available at the homeless shelter I've been staying in. Since I'm looking to disconnect and live a more simple, natural life this isn't a bad thing but the transition will likely be tricky.

At least I do have a small clock radio so I won't be without music at least. I know where the nearest library is, where the shops are and it's a fairly nice, short walk to the river. I do also have my art and craft projects to help keep me busy and I should have more money to do things like: join a gym, a community group, art classes or something along those line.

It'll be even better once I get a few plants growing. Chives, parsley, cherry tomato's, basil, that sort of thing. Every little bit helps, a bit of time, a bit of determination and I should be able to build that life I truly want for myself.

[songe]

Authentically disabled

I've been giving a lot of thought as to what I want my future to look like. Reading about simple life, been minimal, living cheap, not wasting stuff. It all sounds nice and calm and peaceful. Only it's not quite that simple, easy or achievable when you have health conditions.

You see I already had the opportunity to have it all. I owned a small house in a country town with a nice yard where I could have created the dream garden and been more self-sufficient. Only I ended up hating it. I was isolated, lonely, with no easy access to support services, medical centers and looking after myself turned out to be a lot of work.

That was in 2020, when no one could go anywhere and the resulting depression, anxiety and stress has forced me to do a radical re-think on what I thought I wanted. I need people.

I need people to help me with cooking, cleaning, simple mantaince. I need doctors, appointments, medicine, scans, tests and more. I need to kept warm enough to not be in constant pain, I need gyms and yoga classes for exercise, I need acupuncture, I need physiotherapy.

Basically I need a bunch of stuff that looks like the exact opposite of living a simple, slow life. I have had to become comfortable with the fact that I am disabled, that I need help and my dream of living a simple life means allowing people to do things for me.

Which is why I am currently staying in a homeless shelter battling Australia's ridiculously difficult government systems to obtain NDIS support. Because unless you get NDIS, it doesn't matter what medical condition you have, there is zero amount of support available to you. If that isn't a form of discrimination then I don't know what is.

[songe]

Hello

Hello everyone, apparently I've joined tumbler now since that seems to be where all the prompts, fanfic, slash fic and authors for AO3 tends to hang out.

I have finished (finally) Soul Marked on AO3, Bilbo/Thorin however.

Also I have promised myself, and my handful of reader on AO3, to actually edit and finish some of my fics. Then there are the original stuff I occasionally work on in Wattpad.

Terminal case of too many ideas and only so much time since I also do craft, art and a bunch of other stuff, like medical appointments and trying to survive a cost of living crisis while on Australian government support. Making my forth attempt to get on the disability payment while living in a homeless shelter after escaping from my ex in 2020 from my own bedroom window.

My life has been eventful, what can I say. I would like to think this will make me a better writer because I KNOW what some of this stuff is actually like to live through.

Anyway, the plan is to make this as something of a catch all for all the random shit that goes on in my brain.