solacien

[solacien]

[solacien]

sometimes, i like to imagine myself in another universe living a peaceful, healthy life. somewhere quiet—a small, warm countryside home with my four cats. i picture myself sitting on the grass in the soft afternoon light, a gentle breeze brushing against my skin as i lose myself in the pages of a good book. my cats are playing nearby, their laughter-like purrs filling the air :’)

i like to think that one day, i’ll have that kind of life. a place to finally call home. a place where the mornings are calm, the nights are quiet, and the days feel like they’re truly mine. i like to believe that, at some point, i’ll find that peace. a life where i can simply exist, without the weight of the world pressing down on me. a life where i can love everything around me as it is and feel, for the first time, like i’m exactly where i’m meant to be.

[solacien]

for a moment, i felt myself slipping, teetering on the edge of that dark path again. i was ready to be vulnerable, to show love once more. for just a second, i was about to let my loving side resurface���foolishly hoping he’d treat it differently this time.

but i don’t want to go back. as much as it hurts, i know i can’t keep handing pieces of myself to someone who doesn’t know how to hold them. as much as possible, i want to stay away from him now. i want to unlove him, to finally let go and forget. not because i don’t love him anymore, but because i need to love myself more. i want to give myself this chance. this time, it’s for me.

[solacien]

12282024

i think one of the reasons i felt like i was mourning something i hadn’t really lost is because it felt like i was letting go of the most loving part of myself. it’s the part that kept wanting to love even after getting hurt. i had to start looking out for myself and protecting my feelings instead of letting people walk all over me again. that part of me that knew i didn’t deserve what happened became so protective and it kept showing up in ways i didn’t expect. i started being mean and it felt like i was grieving somehow, you know?

it felt like i lost the good, kind, and loving parts of myself just to protect my dignity and well-being. i became such an angry person even though all i ever wanted was to love freely without any fear or hesitation. but i had to let that part of me go. and honestly, i truly grieved for her. when i look back on this year, i think what i was really mourning wasn’t just the good memories. i was mourning the part of me i had to give up to survive.

i realized i almost lost myself by loving someone too much, by giving too much of myself to them. and when they chose to hurt me, it felt like a wound i couldn’t heal from. kaya i had to be firm, to stand my ground. i had to be cold, distant, even unkind sometimes. it wasn’t who i wanted to be but i felt like i had no choice. i had to let go of that soft and loving version of me to save myself and in doing that, i just couldn’t help but grieve for her.

[solacien]

whenever i look back on everything i went through this year, i can’t help but cry. girl, i know i haven’t achieved much, i know i didn’t do as much as i should have, but i still did it. i survived this year.

i fell back into my old habits. i started hurting myself again, and i know how bad that was. i know it. but still i did it.

naiiyak ako when i think about it because there was no one i could turn to. no one to cry to or vent to. it was just me. i only had myself. there were days when it was so hard to get up, when even eating felt impossible. i remember struggling to swallow my food because i couldn’t stop crying. God knows how many tears i’ve shed this year, how many times i wanted to finally give up.

it’s like, my god, i deserve so many hugs for everything i went through this year. i deserve to be happy. i deserve to breathe, to finally live life again. i deserve to make it up to myself.

i know the road ahead is still full of uncertainties, but i’m here, and that’s enough for now. one day, i’ll look back at this moment with pride and gratitude for how far i’ve come. i’ll finally understand that even the hardest days were shaping me into the person i’m meant to be.

real tight hugs, self

[solacien]

thanks for this babes

bitch you better not be sitting and staring at your old wounds forever wtf

[solacien]

im so sick of this bullshit. i seriously don't want to care anymore. to hell with this.

[solacien]

just want to get pleased ya know 🥺 it's been months

[solacien]

so sick of dwelling on those things ugh so hey there x im insanely bored

[solacien]

your own nudes feels different talaga no like damn i look like that?? id fuck me too. turns me on too eh lol

[solacien]

the beauty of life is that you can do whatever you want regardless of anyone’s opinion. two truths can exist in this universe, yours and theirs. but for you, yours should matter the most. it’s your life, you choose how to live it.

[solacien]

i can’t wait to wake up one day with no heavy weight on my heart, just genuine peace

[solacien]

[solacien]

D.H. Lawrence, The Rainbow

[solacien]

was about to sulk and cry again but i was like uhm NOPE, i refuse to self loathe again because of a man. no sis you have better things to do xoxo

[solacien]

right now, all i can think about is seeing myself exactly 10 years ago. i remember being so young, yet already going through so much that it made me question things about myself. i remember listening to robbers back then, that song felt like a safe space, even for just a little while.

and now, 10 years later, here i am, currently listening to about you. the memories come flooding back, making me feel sad and bittersweet all at once. but somehow, i end up smiling kasi i’ve come to realize just how alone i’ve been for so long. how i had to face things on my own, and how even now, i still do. at the end of the day, it’s always been me, for me.

i used to think, back in my teenage years, that i wouldn’t make it very far because of how mentally messed up i was. i thought i’d crumble under everything i was feeling. but here i am, still standing. i’m still here, kid. i’m still here. :’)

[solacien]