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Medical abortion hell

Hi,

I sit here almost one week after having a medical termination. I found out I was pregnant in September the day before my birthday and a month after my little sister had just passed away. I found out I was around 7 weeks, I had previously had the implant and once I had it removed it seemed to mess up my cycles. I also found out in July that I had Polycystic ovarian syndrome, which I was devastated about as I knew it meant I would face difficulties in getting pregnant. I have always wanted children but hadn’t planned to have them for a good few more years. Initially I was shocked and thought the test was wrong, then I handed in a sample to my doctors and it came back positive, it wasn’t until I saw an ultrasound of the pregnancy until I was fully convinced I was pregnant. At the time, I was still with my partner and we did discuss it and both agreed we weren’t ready for children I am only 22 and in my last year of university plus I don’t have any family support around me. About 2 weeks later my partner split up with me giving me the reason that he couldn’t deal with the stress of a relationship. However, he had promised me that I wouldn’t have to go through the termination alone. He then broke that promise and said that it wasn’t his problem and that he didn’t want to deal with it and that I would be fine to go through it on my own. He couldn’t have been more wrong. So, I went for my initial appointment with the nurse to talk through it and what my options were, I realised during that appointment that I hadn’t fully thought about other options, so she told me to go home and consider other options whether I could financially do it or perhaps adoption. I really tortured myself in those weeks after, I referred myself to the midwives I got all my antenatal checks and even went for my 12-week scan. It didn’t make me feel any different, please understand that I have not had time to properly grieve about my sister and a lot of other things have been going on in my life. I then had to rebook an appointment with the nurse, by this point I was 13 weeks pregnant, I cried through the whole appointment as I felt a massive guilt and wish it had of been under different circumstances. I initially wanted the surgical option as I didn’t want the guilt of having to take the tablet that killed my baby. However, dates were a long way away, so I opted for medical termination, I was told that I would take a pill on the Sunday and this pill would alter the hormones to cut off nutrition to the baby, and then 2 days later I would come back into hospital to insert Pessaries into my vagina and that would cause my womb to contract and expel the pregnancy. I was told the pain would be mild like period pains. I took the tablet on the Sunday and had no symptoms from that, I came back on the Tuesday for the second part of the termination. I came in with my aunty, and was directed to a small bay where 6 beds were crammed into what should have been a 2-bed bay, the only privacy you got was the thin curtain around the bed. I could hear everything that was happening with these girls. There was also a shared toilet that had just cubicles. I went into a room with the nurse to sign a consent form and was given some antibiotics and the pessaries to insert into my vagina. I went to the toilet and inserted them. It wasn’t until 3 hours into being there, until I started to get any pain. when they said the pain would mimic period pains they lied, the pain I experienced is by far the worst pain I have ever had to go through. nothing happened so they then started giving me the oral tablets to take 3 hourly. there was a point where I felt like I needed to empty my bowels, so I went to the toilet and just sat. we were told every time that we used the toilet we needed to do it into a bedpan so that they could see if there was anything in it. I sat on the toilet for about 20 minutes and can only describe what was like lava coming out of my back passage. I was so embarrassed as another girl was in the other cubicle. I then went to stand up and wipe myself, and then all i can describe was a gush of watery blood exploded out of my vagina. I screamed and rang for the nurse. No one ever told me that this would happen I was petrified I had no idea what was happening. the nurse then made me go into the other cubicle and came in with me and told me told open my legs wide while she looked at my vagina which was even more embarrassing. I was still hysterical and she then told me to push and cough and whilst this was happening i was being sick into one bowl whilst blood and diarrhoea were coming out the other end. this was all while the nurse watched I was mortified and embarrassed. Nothing happened and was told to go back to bed and try this weird exercise. which I was unable to do as the pain was overbearing. I lay crying in pain and then off goes the emergency buzzer and all the staff shoot into the toilet with the arrest trolley. I can honestly say I thought i was going to die I was extremely terrified at what happened. from what I could hear quite clearly the girl had fainted and needed fluids but was going to be ok. No blood passed however I was in regular pain and was crippled by it I couldn’t eat or drink. I was given pain medication but it didn’t help. I lay down and the pain resided slightly I felt so drained from the pin and the mental drainage also. I then sat up feeling like I needed to go to the toilet and an explosion of blood came out of my vagina I cried and begged the healthcare assistant to help me to the toilet. literally just as I sat down the foetus came out however was attached to the placenta that was still inside me, I was never told about this. I cried and was saying i was a murderer and that I was a bad person. they had to cut off the umbilical cord and told me to go to next cubicle to pass the placenta I was still hysterical and the only person that seemed to be helping me was the student nurse she was amazing. I then passed the placenta and cleaned myself up. I can’t describe in words how I felt after the pregnancy passed. I cried on my bed wishing i was dead and calling myself a murderer. Not once did the nurses check on me to see if I was ok. I felt so empty and alone even though my aunty was there trying to say I had done the right thing, she may as well have been on another planet as i was in my own world and now baby less. the nurses didn’t explain to me what would happen next and i just carried on using the bedpans as they hadn’t said anything different. I was getting larger clots and a lot of blood and was quite scared by this. I asked the HCA and she was very cold with me and said it was normal and that I didn’t need to do it in a bedpan anymore. My aunt wondered off the ward and she overheard the healthcare assistant saying she wasn’t going to answer my calls and that shed wish id hurry up so she could redo the beds. I was shocked by this and felt upset and disgusted now I am a student nurse myself and for a member of staff to say this in such a delicate situation made me feel like I was being a nuisance. they didn’t say how long I had to stay so I hadn’t made arrangements to be picked up as i needed spare clothes because by spares were covered in blood and i didn’t want to wear jeans because of how much I was bleeding. I was then told i could go and wasn’t really told what to look out for in terms of infection it was all rushed and non-empathetic. I got home and decided I didn’t want to be alone so stayed at my aunties. the next morning, I felt numb and was in so much pain I felt really low and drained. I have had such a traumatic experience. I feel if they had told me the truth about medical termination I would have opted for surgical as it is not dignifying, it’s extremely painful and you bleed tons. I never want anyone to have to experience what I went through last week. I’m trying to block it out right now but feel by writing this I will help someone make the right decision in terms of surgical or medical. I’m sorry for being so graphic just wanted to be honest.

[soberblogger]

letter to the man who ruined my life

Dear Man (we will call him Jay, not actually his real name),

Jay, you were the only man that I have ever truly loved, it took me a lot to let you into my life. I had no trust for anyone, and I was terrified of rejection. So it was always easy for me, as long as I never let anyone get too close to me I would be safe from getting hurt. I want you to know how much work it took for me to be open with you and express my feelings towards you, I truly made myself vulnerable. One of the biggest things I was scared of doing.

Jay, I want you to imagine what I felt like the moment my world crumbled around me. Those five words you said to me over text- "I don't love you anymore". I want you to imagine me sitting on my bed unable to catch my next breath due to the uncontrollable urge to cry. I want you to imagine how I lay in bed day in day out wondering what I did wrong or how I could have stopped this from happening. I want you to imagine how alone I truly felt in the world, I felt like there was no meaning to anything anymore and that if you didn't love me then who else ever would? I want you to imagine me getting to the point where I had to force myself to eat as I had completely lost my appetite and care for my basic daily needs.

Most of all Jay I want you to imagine how after that night you told me, I got so wasted that I nearly slept with a man who offered me money. I want you to imagine how low my self-worth must have been at that point, I didn't want to do it for the money, I just thought what is the point that's all I've ever really been good for. Its all men have ever really wanted from me. Thankfully I didn't. To get to that point scared me.

Jay the next words you said to me will truly haunt me for the rest of my life- "You can go through the abortion by yourself you will be fine". Your a coward for not sticking to your promise, to not help me through something you know fine well I will be emotionally broken over. Then for you to say I will be fine, is a complete understatement of how I am going to feel. I lost the remainder of any love and trust I had for you the day you said this.

Deep down Jay, I know that you are a good person, and I know that you found it difficult to talk to me about our problems and about your feelings. However, I never want you to make another girl feel this way. The next time you claim to love someone I want you to be sure about your feelings. I want you to imagine me in my room in the darkness filled with self-hatred and anger, for some time I did think you were the only person who could make me happy and that I couldn't live without you in my life. I was filled with so much negativity, I truly forgot who I was.

Today I realised that you are never going to be the one to save me, you are going to be the person who eventually kills me (inside). I made a promise to myself today Jay, to never let anyone have that much power over my life. To never get to a place where I feel I can no longer live with you in my life or anyone else for that matter.

You helped me to realise that I wasn't me anymore and somewhere down the line I had lost sight of what truly mattered in my life. I want you to know I don't hate you for what you've done to me, in fact, I want to thank you for making me realise that I can bring my own happiness and that I am awesome with or without a man in my life. I never want you to feel the way you have made me feel in fact I want you to be happy, I want you to move forward and have a bright future.

Thank you, Jay, for showing me emotional darkness, because of you I then rediscovered myself.

yours truly love,

anonymous x

[soberblogger]

Relatable

[soberblogger]

Stolen identity

Hi, so I created this page when I was around 13 years old and used it as a way to vent and to deal with certain things that had happened to me when I was younger . I went through the page and read some of the posts (along with some very bad grammar). When I read the posts it felt as though I was reading someone else's story, it feels as though that person isn't me anymore. Yet it still is in some ways. I was a very sad child, and was very confused about who I was and who I may become. I've made many mistakes in my past and have regretted many of the decisions I've made. Yet I am who I am because of those decisions, it's like I'm on this certain path that I just can't seem to get away from. (sounds a bit weird huh?). I adore my career, I adore the family and friends that I do have, I adore my boyfriend aswell, not sure how he puts up with me?, but even though I have so many positive things in my life I just always seem to see the negative side of things, such as, am I the right person for my Bf, am I just gonna drag him down with me. Those types of things. I know that it sounds stupid and people will just be like, come on dude look at what you have and who you've become, you've put everything behind you. The fact is that I haven't, still at 21 years of age, I am letting my past define me and shape me into the adult I don't want to become. I want to be the old me! What ever the old me is like? That's the thing I feel as though I'm not me, I've never been given the chance to find out who I am really am and who I could have became, because of all the crap in my past. I feel as I've had my identity stolen from me, as though my shadow doesn't belong to me. I often stare in the mirror and see a complete stranger staring back at me. Why has this happened? Why can't I change myself to who I was meant to be? Fact is I can't, I just have to move on and carry on becoming a stronger person. Strengthening myself into who I want to become not who I'm moulding into. With determination and resilience on my side I can do this! I can finally be me!

[soberblogger]

my past will never define me... it only acts as a small stepping stone in my life that guides me to become the strong person i am now

[soberblogger]

Child abuse

Being what I've been through I am massively against child abuse, it's wrong, what sort of a person are you if you abuse an innocent child. I can say to people that I have been abused as a child, not many children have experienced what it is like being hit with a metal dog chain... I have. I can say that I have been locked in a dark cold garage for weeks on end without the means to survive. Sometimes it's hard for me to deal with the things I've been through. It's always the mind games of me thinking why me? What did I do wrong? I can honestly say though if I hadn't been through what I had been through it wouldn't be the person I am today, I wouldn't be the resilient, motivated young adult that I am. If you would like to know of what my like involved just ask.

[soberblogger]

The past

today i went back to a place i used to run away to when i was little it was a river side, it was where i would run away to to escape from my life for a few hours when i was little. well i sat on the same bench i sat on when i was 8 years old i just felt so over whelmed with the feelings coming...

[soberblogger]

loneliness..

is the heart ache and yearning for a thousand whispers of love

is the breaching of the soul when one disconects with another

is a life time

[soberblogger]

My life in a nutshell

[soberblogger]

What is feel like

[soberblogger]

:(

[soberblogger]

hey !

hey please have a look at my blog and feel free to ask any questions :) x

[soberblogger]

self hate

[soberblogger]

wish i was that skinny

[soberblogger]

if god was real he would answer my preys and make me 4 stone lighter, but hes not so i am still the worthless ugly person

me

[soberblogger]

to be loved is to not be alone....for a while