It's 6 pm
I just cought myself thinking about you and how i haven't got news from you in months.
Everytime I start something new I try to imagine how would you react, if you would think is a bad idea or cheer me up and say how crazy I am. And in the end I just send these thoughts away and move on, you know I'm pretty great at it.
It's almost 7 pm.
I'm listening to some songs I was going to dedicate to you on your last birthday, because you really wanted the playlist I promised to give you. And I made it, but after we fought I just packed everything that remind me from you. The gifts, the school stuff, I could't even listen to anything you used to. Well, we had a similar taste, so I left a lot of things in the past.
It's 7 pm.
Everytime I picked up my brother in school I wanted to ask your sister how you were doing. And you know I really love her too, but I never had the courage. Maybe this year I can at least try. At this time last year we were best friends, more than that, we were soulmates and nothing could break us up. Well, look at us now. There's no us.
I wish we could just tell each other about the last months. I saw your pictures and you look beautiful, happy, maybe now you're a little diferent from the girl I used to know. And I'm doing great, college has been incredible, this semester I'm starting to theach. There's still those problems with my family, but it's better than before. I'm learning how to cook and my new boss is helping me getting a new contract, but I'm also trying this one thing out of the town, crossing fingers. Remember I loved to paint? I've been practicing more, still a garbage, but a beautiful and delicate garbage. And as you know, I'm dating. He has been helping me more than anyone else with my anxiety and my old problems with apparence. Almost 7 months together. Really wish yo two had a chance to meet like my other friends did.
So, I'm living a weird phase of life. I'm happy, confused, afraid of the future, loving everyone around me and trying to understand my place in the world. I hope you're happy, loved and healt (something I'm still trying to be). I understand we have to figure out ourselfs before get everything right.
I miss and love you. Have a beautiful and happy life.
Once my psychologist told me that whenever that little voice starts to whisper something in the corner of my mind, I have seven seconds to run before they catch me all. Seven seconds to control my descordened breath,seven seconds to clear my mind, seven seconds to close my eyes and run to my secret paradise.
In those 7000 milliseconds the good days with my friends become memories from when they got away, the kisses in my forehead from my mom turn into the day my father left me for his new wife, all the good grades become the frustration over college and my fear of the future.
And then, I lose it all again.
Escaping during these seven seconds determine if in going to be able to play with my brother after i come home from work. Or if I’ll finish that work from college without thinking about leaving it all and hiding in the dark on my room for the rest of the day.
So every time that voice starts to tease me, i look to the people around me. I think about the hours on the phone with the friends who never left me and the long walks around the city to sit watching the sunset with a beer, how much my brothers still need me to play video games and tying their shoes, or the long and torturous road my mom walked to have a good life by my side.
And I send the voice away, so I can be one of their thoughts during those seven seconds.
if you want me to wait for you in the sand where everything still safe i’ll be right here in the place we used to lay wishing we don’t have each others mistakes to blame