sloppythoughtss

[sloppythoughtss]

An open letter about boys to my high school senior self, from sophomore in college self.

I’m writing this because I think I need to put my life from the last two years into perspective. It’s about boys. Enjoy.

You were so wrong. Your expectations were so wrong. I wish I could applaud you for your naivety. You became 10 times the person you thought you could be.

You’re going to have your first kiss on your 18th birthday in your dorm room. He’s going to lead you on for a little. You’re not going to be prepared for it, and you’re going to get way too upset over it. He wasn’t even cute and he failed out of the school.

You’re confused about friends and boys. You go to the parties and bars and you’re constantly looking for validation from boys because that’s what you thought you had to do. You didn’t think you were doing it but you were. You were trying to fill your insecurity with a boy from a party who would be stupid enough to stick around. You expected too much from every random boy you kissed, but you learned from it. You’re whole first semester was a cycle of this, of getting ghosted. Then you met one that broke the cycle.

He sounds great in theory. He’s “not like the others”. Well give me a fucking break. He was sweet and caring and he was much more into you than you were into him. You refused to admit it, you made yourself believe you were crazy about him. You liked the attention and the idea of a relationship. You talked for a while, you also kissed the same boy that was your first kiss a night before you kissed your future boyfriend for the first time. Nothing wrong with it, it happens. You’ll find yourself in the honeymoon phase for a month or so. You’re going to date for five months. You’re going to lose your virginity in the first month and it’s going to be terrible. It’s going to be in his house over break while his mom is at work. His room will be disgusting. The relationship is going to get complicated. You’re going to slowly resent him during your second semester. Your second semester has a lot of new beginnings for you and your friends and he’s going to be watching from the side lines. He can’t do anything for himself. He smokes and drinks too much, he doesn’t take care of himself. You find yourself babysitting him. You find yourself getting frustrated with him. To a point where you’re done. On cinco de Mayo you break up and it is so liberating, but it still stings for a while.

The whole summer you work and consider fucking your boss. You don’t. Thank god you don’t. You don’t fuck anyone. It’s the best thing for you. You keep trying to put everything with the ex in a drawer in the back of your mind and lock it away and throw away the key. It’s harder than it looks but you succeed. Sometimes the drawer opens a little, like when he doesn’t text you for your birthday; even though you texted him on the anniversary of his dad’s death. You feel betrayed and the drawer opens and the memories of the good times make your whole body sting. You slam the drawer shut. Months later, you don’t text him for his birthday.

It is now your 19th birthday and it’s syllabus week and you and your friends are celebrating. You’re excited to be single. You look sexy and tan and feel good about yourself. You and your friends go to a party that’s pretty low key but you’re going to have a fantastic time because it’s your birthday. You’re going to meet a new guy you had class with once and always thought he was cute. Nothing happens but you feel good about yourself for flirting with him. He snapchats you from time you time.

You hook up with him about a week later. He walks you back to your dorm from his house and it feels good. He’s sexy he’s tall and he’s popular. You feel so good about yourself. You don’t expect much from him because you know how this goes. You decide you’re going to be cool. You don’t talk to him much but then he asks you to hang out again and he walks you home again. He tells you to come to his rugby game the next day and even you think this is a big step. You try to keep cool because you know it probably means nothing. The romantic in you thinks he’s being sweet. The romantic in you is a fucking idiot.

You don’t hear from rugby boy after that. He ignores you on campus when you say hi and even though you know it’s just a hook up, it still stings because you feel like he’s using you to get his dick wet. You didn’t expect much from him, but you did expect him to treat you like an aquaitance. You promise to stop hanging out with him just because you don’t want to give him the satisfaction.

Rugby boy fucks the shit out of you a few weeks later and makes you walk home alone at 3am. It’s a 10 minute walk from his house to your dorm. You bleed for a week. You are so mad at yourself for letting him treat you like that. You also find out he’s been fucking another girl too. You feel like shit.

You swear rugby boy off. Your friends make you feel better and you can laugh at him now and realize you’re a lot better than him.

You saw your ex once at a party in the beginning of the year and you heard he cried because he wasn’t over you. You felt powerful then. You find out from friends of friends that the ex is telling people you cheated on him.This rumor makes you angry. Its not true. You text him telling him it’s not true and to stop spreading it. He blows you off. Any sympathy you felt for him is gone. You’re glad you broke his heart.

This guy friend keeps talking to you, you’ve drunkenly kissed him a few times at a party, nothing serious. He’s cute. He always tells you you’re pretty. He wants to fuck you. You want to fuck him. You don’t want the world to know you want to fuck him. You don’t know what to do.

Your sorority formal is coming up, there is no way in hell you are asking the ex or rugby boy, so you ask a friend. Not the friend you want to fuck, different friend. You question if you’re a whore, and decide you aren’t, you’re just a big flirt. So this other friend is great. He’s so charming. He’s a really nice guy, he’s respectful and good looking. He is over the moon that you asked him. It’s sweet. Through the grape vine you find out he wants to fuck you, and you don’t know how you feel about it at first. The more you think about it the more you want to. He’s hot and you haven’t had sex since rugby boy. Formal is a week away. We will see where this goes.

High school senior self you’re all caught up and your sex life might be getting really interesting really soon. I’ll keep you updated.

[sloppythoughtss]

Writing a poem about this

He said that he had looked at some of my photos …and jerked off to them And I said: “….do you want to come to my next poetry reading?”

He said that he never forgot the day we met to have sex …and how he’d like that again And I said: “…yeah I tend to give men that type of feeling”

And he said that he was longing yearning to touch me …and he wanted to show me photos And I thought: “…I’m gonna write a poem about this”