siriuslydivine

[siriuslydivine]

Last night as I was laying in bed, I began thinking about my recent ex. I do this often. It’s like I have no control over it. But last night was different than usual. Usually, I would sit awake reflecting back on the good times we shared and getting upset that it ended. But last night, my brain combined with Mercury Retrograde, decided to do the opposite. I began reflecting on all the pain and suffering I endured since the very beginning of the relationship. What’s even stranger is that of the “good times” that we shared, there have always been major red flags and issues. With exception for the first year of dating (and even some of that time was bad), the rest of the six and a half years was spent feeling miserable. He hurt me so often. I don’t know why I never realized how badly he was hurting me. I guess, I wanted it to last so badly simply because of his looks. I was very physically attracted to him. I’ve never been more attracted to anyone ever.

So, what was so bad about my relationship? Well, for starters, he was never mine. He never once committed himself to me. A part of me knew he would be like that when I first met him and found out he not only had a girlfriend but was also living with her. If that was the case, then why was he out late at night with me? Then it hit me, history had repeated itself. I had become his last ex. I became “the roommate”. Here I have been believing all along that he was this great guy and he changed but he has been the same guy since day 1. We used to fight, and he would always say that I changed but he has been the same guy that he was. I always argued that wasn’t’ true and that he did change. I certainly did change. I am not denying that. I changed for the better. But he was right. He didn’t change. He was literally the same horrible, untrustworthy, and arrogant asshole that he was when I first met him. Why has it taken me this long to come to this realization? Better yet, why did I waste all those years with a person who lacked the ability to make me happy? Why did I stay so long and suffer?

There is a repeated cycle that has happened where I refuse to see the bad in someone and literally turn a blind eye to all the terrible things that they repeatedly do to me without any sense of remorse, guilt, or shame. The last time this occurred was with my ex best friend. She was always a horrible “friend” to me. She used me and competed with me. She stole my boyfriends and excluded me from parties. She was a narcissist. She was never trustworthy. And even though my mother tried to warn me about her, I wouldn’t hear it. It took something major happening for me to finally see her true colors. I was dating a demon who was the most horrific and mentally abusive person I have ever encountered in my life. I call him “Satan”. I dated Satan for 3 years. By the third year, I finally found the strength and courage to leave him. My so-called best friend and I had reconnected after a few years of not speaking. I would confide in her by telling her all about my abuse only to find out that Satan had reached out to her, and they had begun hanging out and trashing me together behind my back. I cut her off from that moment forward and I have not once looked back. I don’t miss her at all. And she was my ride or die for 14 years!

I came to realize that she had in fact done me a huge favor. Sure, I lost what I believed was a “best friend”, but she took Satan’s attention off me. He stopped harassing and stalking me once he had her. That allowed me to escape and start healing. One Narcissist connecting with another, only to realize they are both the same and cannot get their narcissistic fill from one another, therefore they had to end their little fling and look for a tasty empathetic meal elsewhere. This same story rings true with my recent ex who has an evil sister who is one of the biggest narcissists I have ever met in my entire life. She sits second to Satan. I hate to admit this, but I do believe now that she was sent to destroy our relationship because he and I were never meant to be. She did me a favor. My ex was already a narcissist, and a narcissist can’t feed off another narcissist, so they both need to cheat and lie to people to get their narcissist supply from unsuspecting kindhearted people. I made it very difficult for them to feed off me. I was aware of their narcissistic ways. After all, I had already lived through dating the biggest one ever being Satan. I knew how to protect myself. They did not like that about me, her especially.

For six and a half years, I really believed that I had a great guy in my life. I really believed that he was “the one”. I don’t completely understand why I would think that. When I try to remember all the good times we shared, and then cross reference all the bad times we shared, the bad completely overshadow the handful of good times. He was never faithful to me. He was never honest with me. He never did anything for me on our anniversaries, holidays or even my birthday. He would always vanish and not answer his phone for hours. He would always have me paying for every single vacation, trip we took or concert we attended. He would flirt with girls right in front of me everywhere we went. He stopped attending my family gatherings with me and would always be “working”. He started repeatedly “staying at work” until late at night. He stopped texting or calling me unless it was to attack me for something. He stopped answering his phone anytime I would call or text (even if it were an emergency). He stopped kissing me or even hugging me. He stopped asking me for things and would instead demand things. He would talk down to me and call me terrible names. He would even do this in front of other people. He made me cry more than I had ever cried in my entire life. He would secretly talk to all his exes and then leave pictures of them out that I would find. He stopped sleeping in bed with me. We stopped having sex. We stopped talking. We stopped eating dinner together. We stopped going out together. This relationship was over many years prior before things had even reached this point. I just wish I wouldn’t have ignored all the red flags when I did. Regardless, I am finally relieved that I have successfully cut the trauma bond cord and can begin healing and moving on with my life.

In close, I have been so focused on being angry at him and his sister and blaming them for robbing me of years of my life and almost all my personal belongings, when, it was me all along who caused this. I need to take accountability for my actions (or lack thereof) in this situation. I allowed him to diminish my sense of self-worth. I made excuses for all the mental anguish he inflicted upon me. I accepted the abuse. I rarely ever spoke out against how he was treating me. Towards the end I did, but by that point it was already too little too late. I played dumb when I shouldn’t have. I was weak and both him and his sister knew this. I became his doormat and I laid there all those years knowing I was being taken for granted and was not truly loved or appreciated. I can finally accept and see that at the end of the day, I have only myself to blame. I strongly believe that was the lesson to be learned here.