sinnerdean

[sinnerdean]

My therapist once told me, “You are the guiltiest feeling person I’ve ever met” and just to prove her right, I took it to heart. An astrologer said, “You have so much water in your chart. What is it like to feel the emotions of every single person alive, everyday?” and I wept because I sensed he was displeased. A teacher told my parents “She’s very sensitive. Far more than the other kids in her class.” I took my SATs at 9 years old, but they encouraged my mother to hold me back because of how my eyes glistened when I heard the word no. She told them to go to hell. So I cried my way through my education until high school when they said “You take everything so personally, you’ll never survive in a company environment. You wouldn’t make a good employee.” So I employed myself (out of spite or…necessity) and then later, I hired 200 people. A boyfriend told me “Don’t be so dramatic, everything isn’t a movie.” Fine, so it’ll be an album then. The doctor said “This shouldn’t hurt a bit.” I tread daily on a minefield that leaves me classifying the variations in footsteps, the tonality in voice, a change in breath. “Is everything okay? You seem mad” is my pledge of allegiance to this tightly wound bundle of flesh. I am cut open, butterflied and flayed, with every single nerve exposed like live wires and, yes, they all hurt to touch. Each interaction is a litmus test of how well liked I am, and therefore how worthy to live. I wake up every morning and the moral barometer resets, T-minus 12 hours to prove to myself that I am not the bad person I believe I must be. Sleep, repeat. An amnesiac nightmare. Prometheus on a rock and the gull in my guts is myself. I once envied those with greater armor, but not anymore. “Why do you care so much?” Guard yourself from the little grievances, but the shield does not differentiate. The space where I am vulnerable to the pain that passes through is an entry point for the microscopic good that others may miss. I live in technicolor torment. If I could do it over again and choose the comfortable grey, I would seize a knife and cut the little keyholes back into my every limb. So the light can get in.

[sinnerdean]

Rock on, boys

[sinnerdean]

HALSEY performs on stage during the MTV EMAs 2019 at FIBES Conference and Exhibition Centre on November 03, 2019 in Seville, Spain.

[sinnerdean]

[sinnerdean]

Jack’s dead. Chuck’s gone. You and Sam have each other.

[sinnerdean]

ugh them saying “we got work to do” for the final time and the flashback to the first time they said it. that broke me.

[sinnerdean]

watching the new episode of supernatural tonight was really crazy for me. I was sitting there, watching it live for the first time in years rather than after the fact. really took me back to when i first started watching over 9 years ago. i can’t believe that it’s ending. it feels like a part of myself is coming to an end. the show has created so many friendships for me, and helped me through some of the hardest years of my life. this blog was so important to me as a supernatural fan, live posting every week and freaking out about the episodes with everyone. i can’t help but feel hyper emotional and I know this is gonna be one of the hardest things to watch come to an end in my life. it feels almost silly caring so much about a tv show, but i can really say that i don’t think i would have made it this far in life without it and the friends i made because of it. it’s just all so crazy, man. i cannot wait to see how they end this show, but i also am going to hate watching the end. anyway thats my emotional rant for the night i’m just having a lot of feelings

[sinnerdean]

(◡‿◡✿)

(ʘ‿ʘ✿) “what you say ‘bout me”

(ʘ‿ʘ)ノ✿ “hold my flower”

[sinnerdean]

[sinnerdean]

🤠🤠🤠

[sinnerdean]

halsey: mama said knock u out 💪🏽🕷⛓💎 @donslens

[sinnerdean]

“No, I won’t smile but I’ll show you my teeth.”

[sinnerdean]

Me age 7 when I accidentally stand on a crack

[sinnerdean]

[sinnerdean]

[sinnerdean]

rb if you’re a bi bitch who loves carbs

[sinnerdean]

14x09 - The Spear