sinful-bastards - Tumblr blog

[sinful-bastards]

Hey there...

So, I have money troubles. Not uncommon in my life. But recently the situation has become disastrous. So I'm asking that y'all take a peek at my adopt blog @cassi-adopts, or even just reblog this post to spread the message. Most of my adopts are $5-7 USD, and primarily furry or MLP, with a few Animal Crossing submissions and a couple of other designs. Any little bit helps, and I appreciate any help y'all can give.

I'll also accept straight donations through PayPal at cassidypeterson[@]yahoo.com (just don't call it a donation, PayPal will get on your ass if you "donate" to non-charity causes)

[sinful-bastards]

"And his loyal rootin' tootin' big time flutin' Party Hard party Bard, 'the London' Phil Harmonic"

“His Royal Raditude Mayor Stevarino Bombasticus the Brobarian the Third, Esquire, you better believe it! (finger guns)” I told my husband about the “Steve” jokes and I think he may have convinced himself to join the Bastards

[sinful-bastards]

Sinful Bastards: ACAB (All Cops Are Bullied)

There's a joke, in the United States at least, that "anyone who refers to Gatorade by flavor [instead of color] is a cop." One of my D&D buddies actually is a police officer. We're all relaxing before game one day when he offers to collect cash from us and go on a snack run. We give him our money and let him know what we want, with one player asking for Gatorade. Cop: "Sure, what flavor?" The room ERUPTS in shouting and accusations, all of us yelling at him for "entrapment" and calling him "officer." Cop: "FINE! What COLOR do you want?" Player: "Blue!" Cop: *exasperated* "There's two blue! Do you want Cool Blue or Arctic Blitz!?" Player: "LIGHT blue!"

[sinful-bastards]

Sinful Bastards: Fucking Damn It

The Sinful Bastards campaign started out with the party's hometown being razed, with the children being kidnapped and the rest of the citizenry murdered. My ranger's two sons were taken, so (once sober enough to do so) he vowed to find them.

And he did find them! Moments before they were murdered. Both times during sessions I couldn't attend. This leaves a pretty bad taste in my mouth, because I had spent months realtime preparing for this possibility, and couldn't even take proper vengeance. But as the DM pointed out, these events were scripted, and it wasn't fair to ask him to halt an entire session halfway through just because I wasn't there.

Some time later, we are able to rescue (some of) a third group of children. We bring them back to the nearest city, where almost all of them are quickly adopted, leaving only one child - a half orc - without a new family. I choose to adopt him myself, name him Evvan, and bring him home with me.

The holidays start picking up at this point, and my job leaves me with no time to play, so I temporarily drop out. One day, the DM's girlfriend shows up while I'm working, and we chat about what's been happening in the game since I got pulled away.

GF: "Oh and, uh... I think [DM] killed your characters." Me: "What!?" GF: "Yeah..."

I whip out my phone and open the group chat.

Me: "[DM], did you kill Ed and Evvan!?"

DM: "You'd be surprised by what can happen!"

Me: "Seriously!?" DM: "Muwahahaha!"

Weeks later, my schedule is finally stable enough that I can play again, and I immediate confront the DM.

Me: "Are Ed and Evvan really dead!?"

DM: "I told you so!" Me: "No, you gave me vague responses and evil laughter! I can't believe you killed my son again!"

DM: "At least Ed is with his family now!"

[sinful-bastards]

Sinful Bastards: Zoomies!

One of our players is a catfolk, a lion specifically. We've rented rooms at an inn, during the day so that we can continue our business and just go to bed whenever we're done. We're divvying up the rooms to decide who is going to sleep where. The lion is talking to his chosen roommate. 

Lion: "--and if you hear any strange noises around 2am, it's nothing to worry about."

Most of us laugh as that is clearly a sign that the noises will be something ranging from silly to outright ridiculous will happen. The game moves on from there, and we spend the rest of the day around town, before retiring for the night. 

DM: "Okay, so what does eve--"

Me: "What happens at 2am?"

The DM blinks at me, then joins the table in laughter. 

DM: "Yeah, [Lion], what does happen at 2am?"

Lion: "I had forgotten about that! Okay, so, at two in the morning, [roommate] wakes up and I'm just throwing myself around the room. Bouncing off the walls, the door, my bed, his bed, all while fully dressed in armor."

Roommate: "I'm trying to sleep!"

[sinful-bastards]

[sinful-bastards]

Actually I was the first! Unfortunately the Bastards no longer play, as our host had a child and the Co-co hit not long after. However, there are still records of our games, so I can still post actively if my lazy butt stops being so lazy.

And I've actually been submitting posts for years before giving them the Sinful / Other Bastards titles! I'll have to hunt them down and cross post them to this blog too... which is a bit more daunting than hunting down game records lol.

And omg my own tag. Hahaha thank you!

lmao i read “sinful bastards” as “sinful bards” but ig that applies too

haha I'm pretty sure there have been a few bards among the @sinful-bastards ! They're one of our longest-running submitters with some truly amazing quotes over the years!

[sinful-bastards]

Sinful Bastards: You Did WHAT!?

Player 1: "We didn't have any smelling salts, so we teabagged him and farted in his face."

Player 2: "So that was YOUR poop in my beard!"

[sinful-bastards]

Sinful Bastards: Deeply Resolved

(Late October, 2017)

Me: “You’ve been combining words into weird words all night. Whyyy…”

Player: “It’s my New Year’s resolution. For 2017.”

[sinful-bastards]

Sinful Bastards: The Most Bastardly

Our sorcerer is a self-centered, egotistical jerk. I find myself rooming with him in a palace one night, and we are the last two to wake up, having been awakened by noise from the courtyard. We get to the balcony to see that the rest of the party is in combat with a large creature. I immediately grab my bow, while the sorcerer begins casting spells. After a few rounds, the creature throws a spell back at us, and the sorcerer quickly retreats, leaving us to finish the battle without him, putting us at a deficit now that I'm the only ranged attacker.

Following the battle, we all gather, most of us stressed and tired as we all nearly got killed. The sorcerer, on the other hand, is doing just fine.

Sorcerer: "So, how did it go?"

Me: "All of us almost died except for you!"

Sorcerer: "Yes, my self-preservation skills are fantastic, I agree."

[sinful-bastards]

Those Other Bastards: True Love

A session or so after Party Hard, the party is getting ready to leave the town we're in.

Me: "So is there any spell or item I can get here that lets people communicate across long distances?"

DM: "Uh... yeah, sure, there's a store with a couple Rings Of Sending that you can buy."

Me: "Cool. Marius buys two rings and gives one to his boyfriend."

DM: "Boyfriend? All they did was have sex!"

Me: "For six hours! Marius is in love!"

[sinful-bastards]

Those Other Bastards: Party Hard

Just prior to purchasing the barrel of Ron (which has by now become a staple of our lore) my rogue seduced a sailor away from the prostitute he’d been chatting up, and they were at the bar when the barrel came out.

DM: “The barkeep taps the keg, and pours out just the tiniest bit of liquid into everyone’s glass. It’s a dark liq–”

Me: “I drink it.”

DM: “…okay, so, Marius and the sailor, without a moment’s hesitation, both knock back their drinks. They immediately pass out on the floor with the hardest boners they’ve had in their lives.”

The sailor and I were dragged up to a room above the bar, and our mage cast Lesser Restoration on us - but leaving us with the erections. I had to leave right after that, and arrived at the next session late, so we determined that Marius and the sailor were screwing for the entire six hours that passed in-game.

[sinful-bastards]

I made a “secretly a raptor” joke early on in one campaign and the group decided to run with it. Naturally, there was one player who knew and nobody else would listen to him. It was also determined that the DC to figure it out was actually ridiculously low, and the only reason nobody else believed was simply that they hadn’t bothered to check. At one point I’m helping to scout a town that’s just been raided, and another scout is drawing what he can see from his vantage point - and he can see me.We get back to the group and the character who knows I’m a raptor starts freaking out when he sees the drawing.

“She’s a raptor! She’s a RAPTOR! He DREW HER as a RAPTOR!”

“So? He put smiley faces on the pile of dead dwarves, too.”

“Yeah, it’s called Creative License, man. Calm down.”

[sinful-bastards]

Sinful Bastards: Oh Come On, Guys...

I miss a session and return to find that the cleric has been killed - something along the lines of "turned into jelly." The others are discussing reviving him, both IC and OOC. One of them turns to assure me that we have enough of his body left to cast Resurrection on to actually get him back.

Player: "Don't worry. We've still got his teeth and his balls."

[sinful-bastards]

Sinful Bastards: Persistence

Following a battle against MANY zombies...

Player: "I want to loot the zombies."

DM: "They don't have anything on them."

Player: "I want to loot them."

DM: "Most of them were peasants. The ones that are still wearing clothes at all have no pockets for you to loot from."

Player: "Nat 20."

DM: "You find a naked zombie and shove your hand straight up its ass. You acquire one large sapphire."

[sinful-bastards]

Fuckery consisted of three dice, with the following results: completely failing to hit anyone on the field because the one telling me who to target kept telling me to target people who weren't present that day, random de/buffs applied to characters in character, and elemental attacks from a hidden enemy. They did, however, let me drive at least one player paranoid!

req’d by @cassidy-peterson

so what advantages does rolling with Fuckery enable??

[sinful-bastards]

Calligraphy courtesy of @theshitpostcalligrapher

Sinful Bastards: Friendly Orcs

Our party had concerns that our half-orcs wouldn’t be discernable as allies if we teleported into the middle of a battle against orcs, and were trying to figure out how to get them not instantly attacked. One suggestion was to just write FRIEND on their armor. Me: “Yeah, that’d work. F-R-E-M-D, smiley face! Friend!”