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[silver-palette]

When you just can’t love yourself, just work on giving yourself basic respect.

When you just can’t practice self care, aim for basic hygiene and keeping yourself alive.

When you just can’t have positive thoughts, focus on ignoring the negative ones.

When you just can’t quit those bad habits and unhealthy coping mechanisms, be sure to take care of yourself afterwards.

When you just can’t make yourself eat enough, aim for something three times a day, even if it’s something small.

When you just can’t stop binge eating, just do your best to forgive yourself and focus on something else instead of dwelling on it for any longer.

Not everyone is at a point where they can recover, and so thinking about recovery can be intimidating and make them shut down, because they just feel like they’re nowhere close to getting better so they might as well not bother. There needs to be more advice on dragging yourself through the days. Self care to the bare minimum. Aiming for “feeling okay with yourself” or “feeling less awful about yourself” rather than loving yourself. Baby steps.

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NCT 127 – “Neo City: The Origin” in San Jose

5/9/19

Left work at 5:40pm, arrived in San Jose at 7:10, bought chicken nuggets from McDonald’s, and entered the concert hall at 7:50.

Hall feels kind of like a high school auditorium. Was expecting something a little more memorable.

I was kind of nervous and wondering if the $160 would be worth it, but I was excited about it too. Texted BFR and MKT a quick photo and both replied with excitement for me.

Concert begins.

(Cherry Bomb) Took me a little bit to get energized, but the smooth glide, backward fall, and leg split were everything.

NCT lightsticks are bright af. Every time the girl next to me waved hers to my side, I think I went just a little bit more blind lol.

(Chain) Taeyong’s absss. I was trying to fix something on my phone and, BAM! Front and center on the big screen. That shit came out of nowhere >.<

Didn’t have a lightstick this time, so I was just kinda awkwardly standing there. People around me must’ve thought I was the quietest kpop fan ever. But in my head I was hyped xD

(Ment #1) Taeyong really knows how to pump up a crowd—from his stretched out “Ohhh yeahhhh” that reclined into a sexy, throat-deep groan to his vocalized sports tournament siren after introducing his name. And his little fumble when trying to say “lifetime memories” was cute.

(Fly Away with Me) Ugh, this song put me in a mood. And Taeyong’s bouncing dance moves. He does them really nice.

(Back 2 U) Yuta’s vocals o.o And Taeyong’s soft swag throughout.

Not as many Taeyong stans as I thought, but definitely one behind me. I relate to her every time she screams for him when he does something remotely sexy and the crowd is quiet in obliviousness xD

(City 127) Slower song and Taeyong’s still not able to sit still. He was the only one who stood up and danced around for his part, and he continued to wiggle around in his chair after that xD :3

(Angel) So. Much. Skinship. Taeyong scooting his chair over to Jaehyun and being all squishy, touchy, and adorable with him. More with Yuta & Doyoung, and Jungwoo & Haechan. The line, “I’ll be your morning star” gave me all the feels. I eventually found myself swaying along.

(Jet Lag + more) Yuta’s slow, emotional hair flip and his unrelenting cuteness. If Taeyong doesn’t do it first, this kid might just kill me >.<

(Ment #2) Yuta being cute af and possibly throwing some random Japanese in there? xD

(No Longer) Definitely falling for Taeil’s voice.

So many Taeil, Haechan and Jaehyun stans.

(Regular) Taeyong’s sex faces live are killing me.

(Wake Up) The bars have come out. Hyped by Taeyong’s “Are you ready San Jose!” and subsequent ‘yeah’s and ‘whoo’s and arm pumping dance.

(Baby Don’t Like It) Taeyong literally coming in like a pimp on top of the bars. Sunglasses, posture, attitude, and all lmao.

(Mad City) The vibrations man, the fucking building was shaking.

(Good Thing) Taeyong’s outlandishly flamboyant paint-splatter suit, wtf xD Also his moonwalk is so fucking smooth. Yuta is adorably bouncy in his cute yellow sweater.

Seeing Taeyong’s sex faces in person is ridiculous (part 2).

…is Yuta my bias wrecker?

Chipmunk voices on the mic… (Started with Mark’s mic during Mad City and continued randomly throughout)

Changing lightstick colors with the music. Didn’t expect that to happen here. For some reason I thought it was only a Korea/Japan thing lol.

(Superhuman) The superior song. Always fall for that head snap in the beginning.

I was watching Taeyong for most of the concert, but I swear I saw Taemin’s face flash by for like half a second. I think the desperation to see Taemin live is getting too strong xD

(Ment #4) I fucking looked up and Taeyong had taken half of his sparkly jacket off during the ment. Guns fully loaded. Biceps at the ready. But my poor heart wasn’t >.< Haechan speaking Korean for the first time during the concert kind of made it more real that I was watching Korean idols who had traveled halfway across the world to perform in front of me. Taeyong and his backwards visor and casual black clothes is fucking hot. Taeil getting embarrassed when Johnny told him to growl and flex his muscles one more time, adorable :3 Taeyong did clapping push-ups, aegyo-ed, and fucking dabbed in the span of 20 seconds >.< Jaehyun asking if we’re ready to “get hot.” Boy, I’ve been steaming for an hour now (both literally and figuratively lol. Couldn’t find the time to take off my coat xD)

(Summer 127) The resonance and vibrations from the bass line had me shaking (in a good way). Taeyong’s front group seemed a little lost in the music when they finally went back into choreography—they kept looking at each other like “uh…” and wiggled their arms around aimlessly until it matched everyone else lol. Taeyong went HARD during this song. His panting had me thrown, and he rapped so hard his fucking vein popped out.

(Ment #5) Doyoung’s adorably cheesy fortune cookie story. Fortune cookie read, “You will touch the hearts of many.” Generic but absolutely true ^^ Taeyong’s pouty face before his ending speech. And he put his hands together, almost in prayer, when thanking his fans. It was so heartfelt and sweet.

(Pre-0 Mile) Taeyong’s switch from his soft voice when correcting the crowd’s move for “mine mine” to his deep, loud, crowd-pumping voice at the final “girl you’re just mine mine!” I love his duality. And the way he turned around to walk to the back of the stage for 0 Mile. Hot.

(0 Mile) Taeyong being a mom and picking up Doyoung after he fell to the ground trying to protect his abs xD He’s such a sweetheart <3

For the last three-ish songs, Taeyong was super energetic and hyped for the performances. It got me hyped too.

Their “San Jose is a real vibe-killer~~” xD

Someone threw a rose at Taeyong when they were walking from the left side audience to thank the right side, and he got adorably flustered. He fumbled with the rose a little bit, but he did manage to catch it.

Taeyong picked up the rose he had put down earlier to hold his members’ hands and bow. He was being such a tease with it, putting it sexily in his mouth, tango style, and turning around and pausing every two steps to pose with it. He also put on an adorable “San Jose” beauty pageant sash before posing with the rose and heading off stage. He was the last member to leave and he kept dorking around and teasing his fans, it was so freakin cute >.< (Side note: Found out later he was recently crowned “in charge” of their San Jose stop, which is why he had the sash.)

That ending^ was all I needed to make that whole concert worthwhile. I love you Taeyong <3

Concert ended at 10:40pm. Walked back to my car and drove home listening to nothing but NCT songs.

Post-concert thoughts: In the beginning, it felt like I was just watching another random concert. I was also hesitant about going even before that because I only really listened to about half the songs on the setlist. But I realized there’s something about concert settings that just makes everything sound amazing. The concert eventually evolved into something more meaningful and that I was super spazzy about and into (probably triggered by something Taeyong did lol), but it got so much more exciting after that and I loved it.

P.S. Taeyong’s shirt was sheer????

[silver-palette]

Home Library

5/14/17

Even after I get married, I want my own room. A library with nothing but a cuddler sofa and bookshelves lining the walls.

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Generating Reality

5/12/17

When I write, things become real. Without it, they don’t exist.

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Precursor to Acceptance

5/12/17

Does everyone say “I like you” before they offer you a job? Lol.

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Hired!

5/12/17

I got the position! I’m officially going to be a Behavior Therapist.

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Vocal Warmth (Pt. 2)

5/11/17

DD spoke in that soft, genuine voice again today. I was calling him for dinner while he was asleep, and he slowly woke up and said, “Jao, ami ashthasi.” It’s surprising to me how I’ve only heard, or at least recognized, this voice after twenty-three years. But better late than never, right?

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The Facebook Fallacy

5/9/17

Just because you take better pictures doesn’t mean you had more fun than me.

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Envy of Ardor

5/9/17

I truly envy your passion and dedication for your craft. If only I felt the same way about my own life.

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Explained Motive

5/9/17

I’d be happier to go to the store with you if you told me why you needed me there, instead of telling me we’re going just to go.

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Nighttime Disturbance

5/9/17

Why are there birds chirping outside my window at one in the morning? It’s disturbing my nighttime peace.

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Lexical Allure

5/8/17

My favorite thing about 13 Reasons Why was the narration. I’ve become so fascinated with words lately.

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Personality Switch

5/8/17

Since childhood, I’d trained myself not to react because of your serious personality back then. Now you’ve changed and are trying to have fun with me and be a more chill person in general, but it’s become difficult for me to match your playfulness. But I’m doing my best to unlearn it all.

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13 Reasons Why

5/8/17

You don’t understand the emotional pain that people go through when they have faced things like sexual assault and rape; the desperation that comes with being lonely; the cry for the end when you feel as though you have nothing more to live for.

“There are other things besides committing suicide that she could’ve done, like teaching people about her situation.” It’s not that easy to just go up and talk about the emotional pain you’ve endured. I haven’t experienced anything even remotely close to the level of sexual assault, but even then, talking about my loneliness feels almost impossible to do.

“To me, it looks like Tony is grown up (i.e. emotionally stable) and Clay is still a (selfish) child.” I’m not emotionally stable either. Does that make me a child?

The thing that really annoyed me: “You can’t go to the counselor or whoever, not even your friends. The only people you can trust and talk to are your parents.” There are so many things you can tell your friends, but not your parents. Sometimes it’s just easier that way. Why don’t you understand?

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Uncovered Layers

5/8/17

You were very jovial with one of the aunties yesterday and seemed to be genuinely interested in playing with my nephew. It seems there’s a personality underneath your surface that even I’m still uncovering.

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Blunt Expectations

5/8/17

Yesterday, after rejecting to carry my nephew, you said, “Maybe I’ll carry yours.” I’m not sure why I reacted the way I did, but it seemed to trigger a small panic attack. At the time I thought it was because you didn’t have much experience with children, so I wasn’t sure if you could handle carrying mine. But now I’m wondering if maybe it was because I’m not ready to have a child of my own, and you saying it so bluntly kind of shook me.

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A Special Skill

5/6/17

There are people who make me comfortable by not creating awkward silences, and there are those who make me comfortable even when we do fall into silence. It’s a special skill to have learned the latter.