sickandtiredandhealing-blog

[sickandtiredandhealing-blog]

my story (take 1)

i shrugged through middle school then high school and eventually went off to college, my whole future ahead of me. i was in the honors program. i failed. a 0.9 GPA and no job nor a boyfriend. second semester started and then came the wall. i’ve heard it said that becoming broke happens slowly then all at once. that’s how depression and anxiety work. I had been sad before but not like this. I had been scared before but not like this. I was scared to get out of bed. i was scared of what they would say. i was scared of being alone. i was alone. i was 18.

then i went home.

i started going to therapy and she said i needed medication. i had become part of what has been termed by some the ��prozac nation”. on lexapro so i didn’t get worse. but it didn’t exactly make me better either. i was 19.

I got a job. then another. then another. three jobs juggled and balanced on a pin. then i got sicker. doctor after doctor after doctor looked at me completely confused and lost. i had to quit my jobs. i couldn’t handle the daily pain and working and the exhaustion. i was going to the doctors every week if i was lucky.

then i started school again. i went to a junior college near home. i started feeling part of something bigger than me, like someone was looking out for me.

then the ball dropped.

i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. 

i will never get better. doctors will forever throw drugs at me hoping to give me better living through chemistry with no consideration for the side effects. i will never get better. i was 20.

i let my wellbeing be the target on an untouchable dart board at the end of the bar and literally paid doctors to throw drunken blindfolded pill-dart after pill-dart at my symptoms. i fought for nothing. then a doctor told me that i needed to get over it and lower my expectations on my life. i woke up. 

it took too long for me to finally figure out that this was not my fault. i have many theories as to what caused this in me. none of them matter. what matters is i no longer take it lying down. i am proactive and vocal about my needs. i am communicative with my doctors. i don’t look down on holistic approaches. i do my own research and find what works for me. i live each and every day as if tomorrow belongs to Schrodinger - both heaven and hell. every day is a new day and i have to be ready for whatever comes. because if this medical whirlwind has taught me anything, it’s that Murphy’s Law applies to my health too. 

i’m 24. i’m chronically ill. i consider myself very very lucky, but i am still sick. i will always be sick. there will always be scars i can’t erase. i wear them proudly. i share them here for all to read, so that when a girl like me gets lost someday, she might find this and know: 1) there is hope, 2) you are not alone, and 3) there is always another day coming, just give it time.