she-said-he-said

[she-said-he-said]

I Wonder If….We Can Get TOO Comfortable With Single-hood?

It’s a common theme…..we get divorced, we date and date and date. We have a few failed relationships back to back. After maybe the 3rd or the 4th that leave us unhappy and confused, we may realize it’s time to see a therapist to see what might be going on here. We were probably told to we needed to stop dating for a while, possibly a year. To take time to really get to know ourselves, to learn to be happy on our own. Without a need for another person to feel fulfilled.

We find new activities we love to fill our time to keep the opposite sex off our mind. We get active. We make new friends. We take up new hobbies. We learn to embrace being alone. Sleeping alone. Watching Netflix alone. Cooking alone. For one.

After a while, we start to get very comfortable in our independence. We don’t need someone around to feel whole.

We’ve learned to fill our time. We’ve learn to get everything we thought we needed from a person in a relationship from other avenues.

Of course, there’s one need humans have that can’t be met from others: Sex. Is it healthy to get to a place where the only thing we need from a love type relationship is sex? Is this why everyone seems to be only using each other for sex these days?

It goes both ways. I know many females who say that’s all they want from a guy right now in their life. I know many males who say the same thing. If everyone’s open about it and on the same page…is there really any harm?

I’m on a facebook group where women warn other women of experiences they’ve had with other guys on online dating sites. Most complaints are, of course, that a guy gives all indications that he’s interested in a relationship until after the deal is sealed with sex. Then, they disappear and move onto the next. Leaving women feeling confused and hurt. Was the sex bad? Or is it just that this guy has filled his life with his friends and playing in hockey league, taking ski trips with his buddies and gets all of his emotional needs met by these friends and the only thing he needs from a woman is sex? Why stop with one woman for just sex? If you don’t need a deeper connection? A partner in life? Why not keep trying to experience the hundreds that are on these dating apps? Plus, many guys think they can collect these women in their back pocket and come back around for more sex with them later.

I know, that for myself, I’ve gotten so comfortable living alone that it scares me to share my space with another person. I want to sleep when I want to sleep, to watch what I want to watch, eat what I want when I want, sit around and do nothing when I want without anyone judging. The thought of moving in with a guy and having to deal with his tacky decor and dated furniture gives me hives. When I go on a date with a man and it ends up at his place, I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed where I can wake up at 3am and look at my phone for an hour in bed without disturbing someone. Have I gotten too comfortable being single?

All that said, I miss being a team with someone. Someone to talk with about the hard and good things happening in life. Someone who gives a shit. Someone who’s there when I’m sad. I want to do the same for someone. I miss having a regular sex partner. I want to have someone to rub my back and eat dinner with me and touch me and watch a TV show with me. How will I get to that if I like being alone so much now?

While cuddling with a man after sex recently, he contentedly said “Wow, THIS is what it should be like”. Somehow our discussion from how great it was for him to have a woman in his arms led to his mom and the major heart surgery she’d just had. She was currently in the hospital down the street in Boston on a ventilator. I acknowledged how hard it had to be to be dealing with that all on his own. No siblings, no father, no woman. He said “that’s what a man does, I don’t mind taking care of stuff, I’m a man. Plus, I’ve got my buddies to talk to for support.” Well, Ok then. Hope your buddies give a mean blow job, too, buddy.