shadyvoidkoala

[shadyvoidkoala]

I haven't left my house in a while.. I have 8,000 photos/memes/ poems/smut and nonsense saved on just my Google Cloud alone, All these words go nowhere. They Just keep stacking up, hiding me away so I can remember who I am.

I've shared some on Facebook but I've really not had a healthy outlet to show the world who I am. Most people tell me to hush and not use so many words. They dont like the anger or the resentment and all that blah when it hurts real bad so I usually just keep to myself. I can see why their mad. They don't see that I manifest good things now. They only see when my energy is low. At least I'm not hurting myself as I write.. I feel bad that they hurt because of my words though. I've also learned that if they wanted you to write soft and sweet about them then maybe they should have behaved better.

My story? We'll get there. It's hard for me to even bare most days. I cry allot. All the time. In silence, and outloud. Wailing like wild cat in distress. Those are the worst. When I recall it all. It might take a while to get it out. Or it might not. I'm pretty unstable and I'm not even sure what will happen from time to time. I could spill my soul and tell you everything wrong that's ever happened and try to convince you it's my fault. What's the point though? My perception of life is different from yours as well as theirs and yours is different from mine and so on. No need to argue. I'll always have questions though. I'm sometimes open to answers. Not many people I know understand a Survivors guilt. Or what it feels like to grieve people still alive. There's So much self hatred to be a survivor of so much. Most days I wish I could hug my mom. Either one. My mother, she gave me my soul but that's all she gave me. I often wonder, what would have been like if she hadn't of sent me with my creep of a father, and then everything that played out after that. I guess we'll never know. What even is this life?

The great philosophers before us said to see with our eyes, and speak your point but in little words. That's why we are given 2 eyes and one tongue.

What does that even mean when all you have is words? The entire world runs on words. We could express the same conviction as a lawyer to speak our truth to a judge but if our words aren't from a thesaurus they mean nothing. Yet our emotions run like a river flowing so hard you just drowned from sound. Sometimes its best to just be quiet. Yet that too, means nothing. So you should also scream if you feel you should scream. I hope nobody sees me, but if they do. Do not count on me, because I have failed many times and I may fail you too. I'm still here here though. Like a boomerang. Like a Phoenix. Impossible to stop, so are you. So obviously I need to tell you to rise from your ashes. We've done it every time, and we'll keep doing it until we get it right. Do it every time. every time. For you. You deserve it. Nothing that happens to you is your fault. We have to endure the lessons as they come and remember that nobody elses actions are a direct reflection of you. There's nothing wrong with you, you're self aware now and you have boundaries so you've learned your lessons. Stop beating yourself up. You've been through it enough. You learned. Don't give up on yourself. The Survivors resilience is unmatched.

I hope I'm comfortable enough here to show me. Hi I'm Ammy. Hopefully I can inspire someone and myself to leave the house soon. Sometimes the sun is nice. Sorry for my rambles.

[shadyvoidkoala]

[shadyvoidkoala]

You're a gem for sure.

[shadyvoidkoala]

[shadyvoidkoala]

“And what's so bad about your being deprived of that? All things seem unbearable to people who have become spoilt, who have become soft through a life of luxury, ailing more in the mind than they ever are in the body.”

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Roman philosopher

Born: 4 B.C

Died: 65 A.D

[shadyvoidkoala]

#we're going to be okay