shadowavina

[shadowavina]

I want to rip all my skin off. This ugly body. It needs to hurt, to feel shame. Shame on me for being so fat and ugly

[shadowavina]

[shadowavina]

8/8/20

I forgot to take my meds today....I’m having withdrawal symptoms and my head is fucking killing me. I want to sleep forever and never wake up. I’ve been getting such bad nightmare for two weeks now and they won’t stop. But I still prefer sleep over reality. Fuck you life.

[shadowavina]

Why do I still want to die? Things are supposed to be better...I’m supposed to be happy now. I’m supposed to be grateful for what I got. I’m supposed to live....not want to be dead. Yet here I fucking am. A suicidal piece of shit.

[shadowavina]

[shadowavina]

It’s a need not a want

[shadowavina]

I just want to leave like I never existed.

I don’t want anyone to remember me,

I don’t want to hurt anyone.

[shadowavina]

I’m a background character in everyone’s life. I’m not important to anyone. I don’t even matter.

[shadowavina]

I try....I really try but I’m tired

[shadowavina]

Something terrible happened to a friend and all I want to do is kill myself because I don’t want to know the terrible things that happened to them except I do because I love them. Fuck. How do I help I don’t know how to help and that’s making me feel more useless and want to die even more. Why am I like this

[shadowavina]

4/8/20

I woke up today and I’m still alive. What a shame. I was hoping to be dead by morning. Another, another reason to kill myself.

I tried telling someone I was struggling, they didn’t get it. They never do. No one even wants to listen. But it’s ok, it makes it easier to accept no one would miss me too much. And that’s a good thing.

[shadowavina]

I rip the skin of my fingers hoping I can skin myself alive.

[shadowavina]

Death is my secret obsession,

It’s beauty stays hidden.

Sweet lips,

Kisses that last for eternity.

Take my dying breath,

Don’t let me return to this cruel world.

[shadowavina]

3/8/20 10pm

⚠️Suicide Trigger Warning ⚠️

I really want to kill myself. Tonight especially. 

But...I’m so afraid. I don’t think I can do it. I want it so bad, I want the pain and suffering to stop. Maybe I want the attention too deep down. I keep on telling myself that I’m going to do it but I’m just a fucking coward. Please...give me the strength to do it. I want to so bad. 

I want to see what comes next, anything is better than the present. Anything is better than this sad worthless life. 

I don’t want to see my future. I keep telling my friends to keep going and that their future is going to be amazing but I can’t seem to take my own advice. The pain is getting worse and worse. It doesn’t stop, not even with my high dosage of meds. I changed meds twice, been on them for so long. Nothing helps. 

The thing is I really tried to get better and now I’m even worse. 

[shadowavina]

Just let me die....

I want to die.

Let me die.

[shadowavina]

Something fucked up happened today. I turned on someone I have known for 6 years. And the thing is...it didn’t even feel like me. Except it was and I can’t just excuse myself from what I did. It hurts so bad that I could hurt someone I love so much. It just confirms everything I have ever hated about myself.

I hope the people I love don’t read this because I really wish I was dead. I want this world to stop fucking with us. I want...no I need to stop feeling. I need to think on my own instead of relying on other people. I want to hurt myself over and over again because I deserve it. It feels like it’s all my fault. I want to bleed all over the carpet. I want to be beat until I can’t get back up. Please let me bleed.

My lip drips blood...drip drip. I need more.