shadow-the-real-me

[shadow-the-real-me]

I’ve had a few places I stay at,

some for days, some months,

others years

yet when I want to return home, I can’t

find none so I tried build a new one.

Before, it wasn’t that the walls weren’t warm enough

or bricks turned cold at me

just that I never let them come close and

hold me…

It feels unfamiliar when a hand comes to comfort

patting my shoulder,

a lie when their laughs contain a part of me or

become one piece with me.

To tell you the truth, they never sat close enough

to hear the silent sighs,

the cries that occur only at night…

From the crack of dawn, I keep picking twigs and sticks

building a home for the rude cold days,

after numerable dusks when it seems it’s ready,

and I think now we can chirp in a nest that’s actually cozy!

Unaware how the months passed by, and here comes a

cold stormy night that blows away each tie…

the home I built happened to have an expiry date that

enforces itself and every time ‘their’ needs come first.

[shadow-the-real-me]

a note to self...

I’ve always been among the smartest people in the room. During school, being among the top rankers made me think of myself like that. This misunderstanding came to an end with my meeting with the real world. After school, moving to a new city, living with total strangers, and trying to learn life and books at the same time formed this conclusion. I was a mere dumb girl, brought up in a home built on lies, feeding on immaturity. The harsh truths of life and its living might have actually added to my intelligence and emotional quotient, making me a smart individual today. It’s true. Sometimes, however, I want to go back to being that dumb, witless girl. It wouldn’t have been bad to be that annoying, army brat they call for once. To be someone who got it all because she was raised with privileges. It wouldn't have been that bad. To say it like that, I ain’t complaining. It’s just that I would have expected an ordinary life too. Since I was a child, I’ve always wanted to do something extraordinary that’ll make my name in the world. To say that it didn’t hurt me when I had to expect myself to be ‘ordinary’ will be an understatement. It hurt like hell. It’s really fascinating how life took an unexpected turn and actually labelled it somewhat similar to ‘extraordinary’. My ‘not so ordinary’ life seems like an opportunity given by the universe that watched me cry over for hundreds of days. Probably feeling pity over a talent going to waste in tears, she handed me a pen and paper to try to write it better on my own. “It’s your life; you take responsibility for the ordinary or the extraordinary," something of the sort. A fire lit up inside when my pen started to make sense on paper. I found a way to be that ‘extraordinary’ dream I dreamt all that time when I was ‘dumb’. To the smart me, I want you to dream. Dream like you used to; take your dreams to that extraordinary level because you are smart and capable, and you can if you do. As for the dumb me, I will accomplish your dream. You were right to believe all that; even if I had lost my direction for all this while, I'd make sure to bring yours to the moon. You have been an inspiration; thank you.

[shadow-the-real-me]

Aren’t you cold?

I am.

But I guess, life can have its cold days too.

[shadow-the-real-me]

my new bicycle

The start was bumpy,

Learning to ride Afraid to push the pedal

- what if my other foot couldn't catch up?

The scene still shaky, the handle Threatening to make me fall

I stopped watching every movement

Then I stopped watching the handle

Or how the paddles came up or down

Keeping my gaze front straight to

The scenery passing by

It became so natural in just a few

Seconds - The wobbling paddles

revolve on their own once I stop interfering

so, I stopped worrying about every move,

Trusting the wheels know where to go.

Enjoying the scenes that pass by,

hoping the destination is just as beautiful

as it is now or may be better.

[shadow-the-real-me]

born among people, means constant interactions with the fellow kind... I can't tell you how I hate this setting. Why do I need to be with people to be normal? Can't I just be here, all alone, not think about what to say, what to hear, what they think, what they won't, what they know, why they can't know...??? It's unfair that it doesn't happen with everyone, but just some of us.

[shadow-the-real-me]

"I won't ask you to treat me like a princess because, honestly I already feel like a queen."

Communication is overrated in the sense that people expect every little thing to be said and underlined for them to understand. There's an expectation for constant verbal cues for gestures of affection and acts of service, leaving room for excuses when these expectations aren't met. "You never said you wanted that!" Moving on, I’m not asking or expecting any gentlemanly chivalry from men who are not capable of doing the bare minimum. I won't tell you how low the bar is; I'll just quietly keep track on my own little chart. It's like my self-worth scale, showing how your efforts match up with what the princess in me wishes for. If my inner self doesn't see you as king material, I'll just strut away like the queen I am. Simple as that!

[shadow-the-real-me]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Deeksha🍁 (@d_teacuptales)

[shadow-the-real-me]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Deeksha🍁 (@d_teacuptales)

to be or not to be, a dilemma I go through every other day...I did write down who I think I'd want to be and who I don't like to be me. But is that easy? Easy to change my ways, my soul, my existence - things that make me "Me"?

No, it's never really gonna be.

One can wish, they can improve some ways, heal their soul and trust the worth of their existence and that's the answer to recurring, anxious thoughts like these. Thoughts that make us question the worth of our existence, interjecting "who am I", won't dare budge until we stop wishing the wrong things to define us and our subsistence.

What do you think? To be you or to not be?

💌I'm inviting all kinds of thoughts good or bad in comments, please do come!

[shadow-the-real-me]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Deeksha🍁 (@d_teacuptales)

What matters most is how well you walk through the fire...

[shadow-the-real-me]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Deeksha🍁 (@d_teacuptales)

Every thought can be a tale.

And each tale stems from a thought...

Thinking of you takes me to the day

We met for the last time.

You were late, and I waited.

Like I did for you to catch feelings for me...

A notepad and pen—the two things which

kept me company other than the crying kids on the swing,

afraid I might blurt out something on the

lines of “but I love you" or “don’t leave me"...

I kept rehearsing the points I jotted down.

If, by chance, you asked me to converse on my own...

Praise to me! I did so well that I wish

I wouldn’t have, couldn’t have, and shouldn’t have.

[shadow-the-real-me]

They are laughing again…

And I’m thinking what did I do,

Did they just see me?

Did they notice something I was trying to hide

I’m hot with embarrassment,

A chill runs down my spine, wait.. did they notice?

But why do I care?

I don’t need to care about that,

And they aren't laughing at me.

This feeling just keeps occurring to me,

Injuring my self-confidence, my already 

fragile persona hiding the anxious me beneath. 

Again, I hear a bunch of giggles and my body

Reacts even before I can reason

I freeze, my ears burn up and a chill runs down

My spine no matter it's the hottest summer season. 

[shadow-the-real-me]

I want to be that person.

I want to be that person 

Who do you talk about to others

brag about, think of fondly..

I’ve tried not to be a thing of

inconvenience, not to be a bother

Knowingly or unknowingly.

I thought of it as something I am 

protecting you from,

all the while making myself invisible

enough to be forgotten conveniently.

So psychology says, you accept the love

you think you deserve

And this cup of tea isn’t what I meant 

to serve

I wanted to be useful but not bothersome

I wanted to love you but with freedom

I wanted you to remember me…

Like a sweet, little memory

But I remained a total mystery

While others seized the chance 

even when I booked my seat in advance

unfair it was, totally is still

she caught and you just broke the deal.

I wanted to be that person you talk about 

To your near and dear,

I guess, I’ll never be and that’s better. I’d 

rather be a secret than a mere

pebble you stumbled upon, liked and kept

for you, so showy, so inept

and then replaced it with a bunch of

flowers 

at least pretty to see even if they just

last for hours. 

[shadow-the-real-me]

it still hurts...

it hurts, my god it hurts

it hurts so bad still

I need to let it go, 

the fear, the feeling and everything

but what if I just drift apart like i always do

and you didn't bother to remember me too?

then it occurs i guess that is better

than i being like this, like

it might be better if I just forget 

all about you, it might be

unrealistic to wish for, but it is a solution still.

how about you just block me or something?

make it difficult for me to contact you…

or just tell me all the bad things about

me so, I get so broke that can’t bounce back

do me this favour and cut me off, for 

I might become that infected toe, that’ll

just be disgusting and nothing more. 

[shadow-the-real-me]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Deeksha🍁 (@d_teacuptales)

"Years seem smaller and time less when I'm with you."It's something I imagine I would say when I find my love, achieve my dreams, and finally say these words with real passion. Summarising the story of my life into five simple words. From thinking it might be too long of a period of time to wishing to have some more of it, I intend to make life a favourite hobby of mine. You guys can wait and see for yourself, because this is not an everyday affair and won't be anything seen everywhere and anywhere. How about you get that cup of tea and enjoy this journey as you sip and savor every ingredient and flavor?!

[shadow-the-real-me]

Neha and Nikhil, best friends since birth sitting side by side at their spot at the top of the hill near their looking at sparkling city beneath. Both engrossed in their own worlds when they reach for the bag of chips and the classic romantic scene happens... their hand touch, eyes meet each other's and the love of 22years finds it surface in the form of simple-salted chips. The twist is, none of the two really liked this flavor but ate because they thought the other likes it! Yeah...well guess this is how simple love is. And these simple salted chips made them realize that what they have had all this time isn't simple after all, but once in a lifetime thing! #It'sJustAsSimpleAsClassic

[shadow-the-real-me]

You know, when I think of life, it occurs to me that it's just way too long with nothing much to offer. I've got a lot to do, which might make this one life seem way too short, and that's also true. This relationship between life and me is like the one I have with my sisters. I resist them, but I like to tend to them also. The perfect bittersweet feeling it brings to me. Just like that, I wake up some mornings just to get over the day, and others being anxious about how to fit all in one day. Then, it comes to me: how little of life have I explored and how much more I want it to be. I'm an ambitious person by nature, but I happen to lose interest in them from time to time. The fact, however, remains that I have a lot in mind and more to bring to hand. 2/3rds and 3/4ths sound scary when we think of it like that, but breaking them into 1/3+1/3 and 3x1/4 makes it quite easy. Let's put it up as the plan: waking up days to get a part done, and maybe I'll get it over with when my time does come.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Deeksha🍁 (@d_teacuptales)

[shadow-the-real-me]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Deeksha🍁 (@d_teacuptales)

Can you tell apart a sunset from a sunrise? Difficult right? That's how beginnings and endings are, you can't pick up the tails as they go round and round each other. It's december, the last month of the year. After the november dump, no-nuts november or no-shave november; a season expected to provide a calm to the rush, cheer to the dullness and an end to a year of hundreds of happenings! Looking back at the year, it feels strange because sometimes it feels it's been ages and others like it was just here...2023. Plannings for the year to come has begun with equal proportions of anxiety and excitement. I am writing a goals list for the first time in 25 years of my life, determined to get them all by their ears for the year 2024. It does feel like I'm reading the epilogue of the book, eager to know the ending admist the bitter-sweet feeling of missing it when it's finally over. Will write to you, at the last day of the year when it's over for real and tell you all about it. Till, then I tell myself this end will bring me a beginning written by me. So, need not be afraid whatever it is to come.