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fuck

i couldn’t care less when you’re sad does that mean i hate you, does it have to i don’t think it works like that all i know is i want you had take off your clothes lay on your back you described the first time you had sex he liked it rough and wrapped his hand around your neck told you to beg to give him head so you did, and then you did you say you’re scared i’d break your heart how if i did you’d come apart if you knew the truth, sweetheart my guess is you’d take it hard i’m not your friend and never was you'd lead me on then walk just as i’d open up why does fucking have to mean so much when its already ruined us

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ghost

you’re only boring me to death and i hate the fact that all your friends know i exist it’s only once you come that we have any sex and i get it, but i hate it just the same if you like me you’re to blame when i see my way, all the way out i was fine until you told me i’m somebody you think about when i’m not around you can like me all you want just keep it to yourself it’s only when i know, what’s fun becomes my hell and i find faults in you, you never knew you had then i neglect you and it makes you sad and it kills you to have to watch me as... i see my way out, all the way out i was fine until you told me i’m somebody you think about while you’re lying down i see my way out, all the way out i was fine until you told me i’m somebody you think about i’m gonna ghost you now

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hero

don’t get too fond of me the truth is i’m bad news i wouldn’t give up nothing just because you’d like me to you think you’d love me that i could love you too but that’s just crazy i’ll never care enough about you you called me a hero i replied i don’t think i could ever be your hero, darling how could i save you if i can’t even save me don’t be such a stupid dummy how could i love you when i don’t even like me i can’t be what you need or what you thought you found when you found me i can’t be that which you seek that’s just not a possibility you called me a hero i replied i don’t think i could ever be your hero, darling how could i save you if i can’t even save me don’t be such a stupid dummy how could i love you when i don’t even like me

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downpour

i don’t want to go, but i’m scared to show the side of me you long to face leaving is what i chose, even still i hope i am led back to you one day i drink too much some nights so i can face the truth my weakness is my strength is you you’re the last to know, but the first who shows every time i want to cut life loose i didn’t want to go, but i had to when i get scared it’s what i do and you don’t want to know everything i chose to always keep away from you i smoke too much some nights when i can’t face the truth my conscious hates me more than you do you’re the last to know, but the first who shows every time i want to lock and load i need you to know though i picked this road i hope to fix all this some day

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full circle

you’re not even three, and can hardly speak still your grandmother begs to hear ‘grandma’ all that she gets is a smile so big the whole room stops to watch you now you’re six, and you’re on your bike you don’t need training wheels as you glide on by you speed downhill going fast as light, like nothing in this world can stop you you’re only ten, but you can comprehend the difference between an enemy and friend you wonder at lunch where it’s safe to sit and if the whole world is out to get you you’re sixteen, and in a hospital you’re not sure which hurts you the most that you tried to die, or you’re not a ghost and what’s worse, you have lost your smile eighteen now, more relieved than proud you have headphones on with the music loud your eyes keep low and you’re counting down every day till high school is over twenty-three, and you have a degree you met a man who helped you find your strengths you’ll marry him eventually because he helped you find that smile at twenty-eight, you have a kid she’s got her father’s eyes and her mother’s grin your dad begs to hear ‘grandpa’, she just smiles so big the whole room stops to watch her

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shower thoughts

to dream a life, we often do nine in ten times often proves that like a real dream there’s no truth this saddens me, i dream of you to be at one there’s never two so satisfaction just turns mute and we sink, like pebbles do unsatisfied, i drown for you to quit and die won’t change a tune or grow a heart in heartless who won’t ever care what i go through with what i know, why die for you if i could build a time machine it wouldn’t be for human beings it would be for hearts i would send back ours does happiness grow tired too like our bodies, can our moods can they fatigue like my eyes do i sure hope not, for me and you cause we push hard so we maintain this picket fenced love escapade like rest is for who can’t be saved, but if we’re wrong, what a mistake to make say we’ll push through to the end who’s to decide when the end is can’t this road be infinite forever for a change can love remain once the coffins placed beneath the ground, under the weight of dirt, and soil, tiny ants beside the mound where flowers stand do we wait inside our shell for our loved ones to pass as well or do we remain by ourselves without the hope of someone else what heaven could be that to not have you once we die cause without you i see black and to me that’s no paradise

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sanctuary

we got married in July, the wedding wasn’t huge, but it was everything you wanted, so i was happy too there were tears,  i won’t lie, i shed a few as you said your vows timid and cute i learned to dance just for our song i didn’t do great, but it went well enough you looked gorgeous in your dress and i had to hide my face when you turned your back  and threw the bouquet i was soaking in the warmth of all the mistakes that brought us together and got us there that day we had a daughter and named her violet she’s always in her bedroom  painting pictures first drawn in her head she keeps them tucked under her bed, but seldom, when one makes her proud she sits us both down on the couch to shows us what she’s up to now and she’s just like you

my sanctuary starts with the view of the coast from our room our yard hugs the beach and the infinite blue our daughter says bad words, but we find it cute my mom cries every time she pulls up to our house and your mom’s always here glued to news from our couch your sister comes by most saturday nights and we sneak a joint when vi shuts her eyes we talk about all of the shittier times like we’re proud we were jerks who made each other cry because the more we’d question if what we have is right and if we’re soulmates worth the fight the more that we’d both want to realize that life the more we’d grow up and grow into sound mind my sanctuary is every visit to theme parks, zoos and every last picnic trips to tennessee for no specific reason a white picket fence tied to fit all the feelings a love that’s as bright as the ride up to heaven but dreams are just dreams, and seeing’s believing though my eyes are closed when my sanctuary is vivid to sum it all up, my sanctuary is us wherever we go, however we touch whatever we say, whenever we’re hushed it’s your eyes and the freckles that you cover up with your blush it’s the child in you that comes out when we hug it’s the moments we wrestle, pinned down on our rug crying of laughter, crazy as us, but who isn’t crazy, when you’re crazy in love my sanctuary is us it’s the thought of a life we’ve wanted since we were just teens now at twenty-nine, i still hold on to that dream it’s the thought of each friend who said we’d never be recanting their words and admitting defeat it’s the thought of each place that we’d get to see it’s the thought of the town where we plant our seed it’s the thought of a home, two kids, maybe three it’s the thought of you and i old as hell in our seats that rock back and forth on the porch just like swings while we people watch children in love at sixteen smoking and cursing, just like you and me when death was as far as it’s now within reach it’s the thought of us passing hand in hand in our sleep walking through heaven barefoot on a street paved in gold, young forever, just two shared souls that shine like medals we cling to close to sum it all up, my sanctuary is love and to define love, take a picture of us before my tattoos, before you grew up and took your lip ring out to teach kids stuff before you left me all alone to write what i wish more than what i know cause that’s all that this is, and the truth is hope is as deadly a sin as imagination, so when you ask me what my sanctuary isn’t i’ll say it’s this piece, because i fucking hate it

i hate it.

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amateur

you're a la films they don’t make anymore for each cgi heavy plotline that’s forced practical you felt more real, offered more while i’m just like amateur porn

shaky, and grainy, unstable and raw too hard to hear,  to unfocused to watch they say to be grateful for each of your flaws but i’ve never been one to flaunt

and my head is another cold war a standstill between wanting out and far more but the fear keeps me pressin my ear to the door and eyes under it from the floor

you’ve sang me to sleep and you’ve haunted my dreams seen me blossom and wither and just simply be now you can watch me retreat hidden from the sky by trees now you can watch as i sink tied to an anchor, released

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another bedroom jam

there’s certain things i can’t explain and certain problems i can’t face there’s certain names i cannot say and certain thoughts i can’t escape from, like “she never loved you anway” cause she never loved me anyway if she did we’d still share a bedroom if she did she would have never moved she used to say love like it’s true but i think she was just confused cause you can’t fall out once you fall in so you never fell at all like you claim you did cause love’s forever, it can’t get old it’s too damn hot, to feel this cold life might be funny i guess, but i can’t take the joke if i could, i’d be laughing if i could, i’d feel good i’ve learned too much of a good thing is so much worse than it should be cause you’re not inside our bedroom cause you had to up and move you would say love like it’s true, now you’ve got me so confused cause you can’t fall out once you fall in so you never fell at all like you claim you did fuck us forever, i’ll die alone

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i might have called you

i don’t want to go anywhere but home lay on my back and dwell on the past and i don’t care to know how your new life goes i might have called you, don’t call me back i was drunk at st. matt’s doing cocaine to match i was sideways in the grass i would never call you sober and i hate you more than ever and that’s never gonna change it’s gonna be like this forever so you know, i’ve gotta let you go bad i might have called you don’t call me back and i don’t want to go anywhere but home lay on my back, try to collapse and i don’t care to know how much you have grown i might have called you, don’t call me back

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my head is a monster

i meant to call you back i’m not sure why i didn’t i know you probably stayed up wondering what happened but you’re my favorite night gown and my favorite song too i know you’re worried right now it’s hard to pinpoint my moods but you swim in them, don’t you

everything is okay baby, you are just fine i’m here for you always forever yours, and you’re mine i’m sorry i’m an asshole i can be so mean i know you don’t deserve it and i don’t know a damn thing i don’t lack a heart, but it sure is narcoleptic that’s its diagnosis it can fall asleep at any given moment the middle of a sentence look at it beating, look at it sleeping i should fix the porch light it’s been dead a few nights i should do the dishes they’ve been stacking up and i should get my head right and i will, i promise we should take a road trip i know you love chicago i could take you there, babe say the word and we’ll go we could take my car but what if i don’t want to tell me then what you’d do and i don’t even know why it’s hard to pinpoint my mind some nights i love you -- i really do other nights you’re all right --  you really are Maybe you should leave me -- you really should don’t give up on me now -- you really shouldn’t i’m so glad we’re together -- i really am i wish we never went out

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demands

call it what you will, but i would love you still if you found warmth in someone else’s hands what might happen can and i would understand if you left me for a better plan i am your biggest fan and i implore you to make demands i’ll meet them if i can all i want is to share in life with you try new things and find new things to do and all i want to say despite how things can change is i’ll love you as long as you let me and i implore you to make demands i’ll meet them till i can’t

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a bedroom jam

we made love long before we simply fucked a shower thought i hate to ponder you fell first, but just as i caught up we learned we’d never stay together endless summers, we’d both cry on the phone “you come back, baby.  god, i miss you” just to break up and go off on our own you bored with me or me sick of you i’ll miss the lake view from our bedroom and the fact we shared a bedroom i’ll miss knowing how to smile and the fact i used to smile we don’t talk the way we did before hell, we don’t talk at all, and dammit i don’t think we ever will anymore too far gone, we can be salvaged i’ll miss the lake view from our bedroom and the fact we shared a bedroom i’ll miss the way you’d make me smile no one else can have that smile

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let go

each time you come back something happens and it all implodes, but you’re the one in my heart that haunts me like a ghost  each time i think you’re here to stay that’s when you don’t and it gets harder and harder to let go i’d try, but trying’s always pointless in the end and i don’t want to picture your smile ever again i know it’s wrong to think of thoughts like this, but i hope you die, you fucking bitch i hate how meaningless this is i hate the smell and taste of it  i hate that god let you exist i hate i ever let you in

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last place

once i fell you changed your current and i got pulled back by the wave and i’m embarrassed i’m still here it’s like home’s further every day

no one i love knows our problems no one i love knows it’s fake i sing your praises like a chorus then you put me in my place

tell me how to keep you honest i’ve done everything but beg i don’t want to feel these awful things you’ve put inside my head

i thought my actions brought you comfort i thought it counts to do your best i’ve learned to you nobody matters if they can’t push you ahead

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label me

i don’t know which is cuter 
you in a dress or that old collared shirt that’s two sizes too big you rock a skirt and you rock baggy jeans you just do you and it’s inspiring

and what’s really gender i can’t seem to see how one demands labels we’re all too unique

don’t offer science it won’t prove a thing you won’t like my response yours won’t make me think

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let go

i know we made plans but i need to stay in don’t take it hard like it’s something you did one day you’ll get married and have you some kids and you will thank god you got out when i did

i’m not as brave as you and i’ve never followed through it just makes me sad as hell when i think of all you do and i’m not as one with me as you and you are in tune though i always run away i’ll never not look back too

what’s one more regret i’ll face once i come down we could have been great it just didn’t work out

so i’ll be that mess you’ll be glad you let drown  once you tap your foot to a livelier sound