selfishselflesslove-blog

[selfishselflesslove-blog]

Getting some ZZZ’s

It’s been longer than 30 days because I kept getting derailed with doubt about continuing this blog. But here we are anyway. 

So I’ve been focusing on increasing the quality of my sleep for the past month or so by making little changes here and there. Here’s what my sleep was like pre-October ‘18: 

I’d feel increasingly anxious the later it became in the day. I would go up to bed when my friends would and on the rare occasions I felt sleepy enough to try sleeping straight away I’d become alert after a short amount of time from ruminating though patterns and intense emotions. 

I’d procrastinate until about 2/3AM rather than deal with my thoughts and emotions. I’d watch a series on Netflix or listen to an audiobook hoping I’d fall asleep whilst it was on in the background. I wouldn’t be able to settle unless there was some kind of background noise. Often, I’d have to extend the sleep timer on audible. 

I’d usually be fine once asleep, although when the anxiety was going through a particularly bad spell earlier in the year it was normal to wake up repeatedly with a dry mouth and then really early in the morning despite being exhausted. If I did wake up, I’d have to put the audiobook or Netflix back on again and would struggle to fall back asleep. 

Waking up could be very difficult as I was so tired and would find it hard to get out of bed before 9/10. I know that’s not late to some people, but as I am a morning bird it is late for me and made the anxiety about 10x worse. 

Poor sleep was having a major knock on effect on so many things during the day: mood (honestly, I often just cried about the level of exhaustion), motivation and productivity, caffeine intake and diet, ability to focus and think clearly. So, it was not a tough decision to make sleep the area in my life I needed to give my attention to first. I am aware my sleep improved slightly once a big chunk of the external stress was removed (I finished my dissertation and MSc), but nevertheless my poor habits and relationship with sleep already existed with stress having exacerbated it. Writing this I am now aware of how far I have come just by focusing on one particular area of my life to build healthier habits. 

I started off by keeping a sleep journal. I’d write down what time I went to bed, a guesstimate at the time I fell asleep, quantity of times awake during the night, overall duration and a score of quality /5. I also scored my mood before and after sleep. I noted my diet, caffeine intake, exercise, meditation notes and make a note of any other things that helped/didn’t. I stopped writing my diet down after a short period because I realised this is something I need to work on separately in the future, otherwise I’d be focusing on too much at once. 

The things I did and the changes made:

Headspace

Meditation has always been my happy place. I started the 30-day sleep pack which involves noting (acknowledging thought or feeling as they arise and bringing yourself back to the present moment once you have) and a visualisation technique for body relaxation. Andy also gives loads of sleep tips which have been useful, such as ways to alter your environment in the bedroom (kinky) to promote sleep and relaxation. This pack emphasises that the goal is not to necessarily sleep better but to change your relationship with sleep so that even if you don’t fall asleep straight away you are still resting. This helps to put less pressure on the falling asleep process and increasing mindfulness throughout the day prevents so much tension and negativity building up to an unmanageable amount at bedtime.

They’ve really pimped up the sleep section recently by adding a whole host of sleep sounds and podcasts (takes you on a visual story). There’s a sleep meditation specific to falling asleep which is supposed to be used alongside the daily meditating but I’m not a massive fan. Rather, I incorporate aspects of it (progressive muscle relaxation and then gently focusing on the breath) whilst I have the Harry Potter audiobook on quietly in the background (I think I’ve associated Stephen Fry’s voice with sleep). I tend to fall asleep within the 15-minute timer and if I don’t I am usually now content enough to rest in the silence until I do. Sometimes I use the sleep sounds and podcasts provided by Headspace because I really enjoy them, it just depends what I fancy as I’m getting into bed.

Goodbye caffeine

Giving up caffeine has made a tremendous impact. On average I used to drink about 10 cups a day. I started out by switching to decaf after 2PM so that it had enough time to get out of my system before bedtime. It’s only the other day when I had a couple of brews around tea time (oops) that I realised what impact this had on my ability to fall asleep (I didn’t sleep until 2/3!).

It also brought to my attention to how much the caffeine intake was contributing to the physical symptoms of anxiety. So, it helped by reducing the overall anxiety level I was feeling in a given day. I still implement the 2PM rule but it is not very rare I drink it at all.

Regular bedtime

I struggled with this at first as my pattern was so out of whack. 10:30 is my bedtime and 07:30 is my wake time. Initially I would get to bed for this time but would of course still struggle to sleep and then get up in the morning. Over time whilst I implemented the other changes this became easier to do. A few things helped with this:

Setting an alarm for 21:30 on my FitBit to remind me to start winding down.

Having a herbal tea just before bed (Yorkshire bedtime brew)

Setting my alarm to an upbeat song (Bare Necessities - The Overtones).

Of course I didn’t commit to this 100% of the time due to social plans etc, but even so I no longer stay up really late procrastinating.

Journalling

Initially I would do a ‘brain dump’ and write out all the things I was thinking and feeling to get it out of my system. But now I just write down the positive things that have helped in the day and end it with at least one thing I am grateful for. It helps to have a specific positive focus and a record of the things I’ve achieved which reduces the critical thinking/self-attack. I now feel much better having reflected positively on my day rather than beating myself up for all the things I didn’t do.

I also have a bullet journal in progress (something to develop later) which is essentially a book of lists at the moment. Pinning the things down I have to do on paper rather than have them ramble around in my head really helps. The lists give me a clearer direction of where I’m going after I’ve had a good sleep, with writing it down giving me peace of mind that I don’t have to remember everything.

Environment

I had a mass organisation and declutter of my bedroom which worked an absolute charm. With my belongings all tidy and in order my internal world felt a little less cluttered too. I started making sure I have a drink on my bedside table so that if I wake up thirsty I don’t have to wake myself up by going to the kitchen (and let the kittens into my room) - it also helps to have a drink to wake myself up in the morning. I try not to go on my phone as much in the evening with do-not-disturb coming on automatically at 21:30 so I don’t get disturbed with notifications, and have started plugging it to charge across the room rather than next to my head. Cutting down on screen time has made me feel much more settled in the hour before bed. Lavender on the pillow is also a WONDER.

Understanding sleep

I listened to the audiobook - Why We Sleep: The New Science of Sleep and Dreams by Matthew Walker. I think it’s always important to understand thoroughly what you change and implement. This book is easy to understand and very informative. It’s given me a tremendous insight into our biology and the vital role sleep plays. Enhancing my understanding has fuelled my motivation for creating and sticking to healthier habits.

This is what sleep is like now:

I don’t feel anxious in the evening and enjoy going up to bed. I love the feeling of sleepiness and my thoughts don’t trouble me as much as all as I am more able to put them to the side.

I fall asleep usually within 15 minutes of settling down.

I usually get around 8 hours sleep which is good in quality.

If I wake up it’s only because I need the loo and I manage to fall asleep again very quickly.

I find it easy to get up in the morning and get going, often waking up just a little earlier than my alarm which I’m happy with.

So, overall, a success!

I am always interested to hear of your journey’s and the techniques you have found to be helpful!

Mentioned: 

Headspace

Audible

Yorkshire Bedtime Brew

Bare Necessities/I Wanna Be Like You - The Overtones

Why We Sleep: The New Science of Sleep and Dreams - Matthew Walker

[selfishselflesslove-blog]

Obliging to my tendency

Every so often in life a big “AHA” moment comes along, and everything just seems to click. This happened when learning to drive. Separately it all made sense – the steering, the accelerator, the brakes etc – and sure I could drive, awkwardly with many mistakes. And then suddenly it all came together, and I was flying down those country lanes like I’d always known how.  Well, I felt like this happened when I took Gretchen Rubin’s 4 tendencies quiz. Oh, wow. I wish I’d learnt about its existence so much earlier on because I’m pretty sure this is a game changer for taking care of your mental health and general life happiness (although I guess the personal growth from failure can’t hurt). 

There are 4 tendencies: Upholder, Questioner, Obliger and Rebel. I recommend taking the quiz and/or reading Gretchin Rubin’s book (or listening to it on audible!). These describe personality types by how they respond to inner and outer expectations. There are many things I label myself as – Ravenclaw, nerd, lesbian, and now obliger. Some people really don’t like labels which is completely understandable, whereas I find they enable my self-understanding and acceptance.  

An obliger is somebody who readily meets outer expectations but struggles when it comes to inner expectations. They are characterised by people pleasing, where other people’s wishes become priority. Rebellion mode can be activated when the shit hits the fan and they stop meeting external demands if they’re unrealistic or taken for granted. This can be really dramatic and out of the blue. It totally makes sense now why I suddenly dropped the bomb that I wanted to leave my MSc (I didn’t in the end). 

Suddenly it clear why life can be so bloody hard. If there’s no deadline, no structure, nobody depending on me to do the thing that needs doing – well, a lot of the time it doesn’t get done. Even if I really want to do the thing, I just can’t seem to be able to do it. The example of the New Year’s resolution of wanting to run regularly and get into shape is the example used in the 4 tendencies framework, but it’s actually a really good personal example too. Despite the many years of setting the same new year’s resolution, I only managed to meet my goal because I signed up to do a half marathon with a friend and raised money for charity. I didn’t want to let my friend down, or the many people who donated (this kept me going when I wanted to die at mile 10). External accountability is the key. 

So, forming habits based on internal values and wishes is quite difficult. I struggle with mild to moderate anxiety (it’s been pretty bad this year actually) and fluctuations in my mood. I know I’m not the only person in the world who feels this way, and I know other people for sure have it worse. I started listening to Gretchen Rubin’s ‘The Happiness Project’ today – although she doesn’t struggle with clinical depression etc, she desired to be on the path to make the most out of life and create healthier habits to protect herself for if/when shit does happen. I think they should teach you healthy habits in school, I believe this should be everybody’s mindset. 

Every time I try to create healthy change I bite more off than I can chew. I realise I do too much at once and try to change EVERYTHING – exercise, suddenly create an early bedtime and get up early, eat healthy, read more, less Netflix. No, no, no, no, no. Two days later or trying to be rigidly perfect I’ll be exhausted, curled up in bed wanting to cry, feeling like a failure and re-watching Gilmore Girls. So, let’s break it down. One. Thing. At. A. Time.

Creating external accountability is the key for habit formation for the obliger. This blog acts both as my external accountability partner for habit change and as a method to keep track of progress. I’ll be focusing on one area I want to change for a short period, 2-4 weeks (30 days typically if I’m doing it alongside a Headspace mindfulness pack). I guess this blog is kind of similar to ‘The Happiness Project’ – each month Gretchen focused specifically on an area of life for a year (the formation of this blog is completely unrelated – I did not know of this until this morning – happy accident). 

Sleep is an area of life I love, hate and really suck at. This will be my focus for the 30 days alongside the Headspace Sleep pack.

Mentioned: 

4 Tendencies Quiz & book

The Happiness Project

Headspace

[selfishselflesslove-blog]

DEAR TUMBLR WORLD,

Who am I?

My name is Sophie, I’m 24, a Northerner (UK), and proud to be a child of the rainbow. 

I’ve struggled with mental health in the past: anxiety and depression.

I’m apparently am ambivert, but I consider myself more introverted.

According to Gretchen Rubin’s four tendencies quiz I’m an obliger.

You’ll never guess what makes me cringe.

I detest pineapple and sweetcorn although there are exceptions.

Hanger is one of my predominant personality traits.

I’m an avid tea drinker.

I’m a Ravenclaw.

I’m in love with River Song (If you don’t know who that is then please do your research).

This blog - what and why?

Essentially this blog is the development of my mental health tool kit and tracking the formation of a healthier and happier lifestyle. It’s built on research, self-experimentation and talking to others. So, I welcome input from anybody experiencing a similar or contrasting journey. 

Like many many many many people I really struggle with my mood, motivation, productivity and meeting goals. I have been to the doctors and through CBT twice for anxiety and low mood. I have relentlessly tried different tools and methods to build a system for myself when I struggle, and I’ve found they seem to stick more if written down. 

I’ve recently found out I’m an obliger, which has shed light on the reason I find it so hard to build healthy habits and stick to them. This blog is a method of externalising an internal desire. Well, two actually: 

I really want to work on my mental health and make the most out of life. I suck at continuing doing all the CBT stuff after being discharged from IAPT even though I know it really helps and I really ought to do it. 

I love writing and want to develop these skills. My problem - I find it so so hard to just get on with it and put the time aside to write even though it’s what you really should do in order to call oneself ‘a writer’. Also, writing is therapeutic. 

Mental Health is an area which touches us all. Statistically 1/4 people suffer from a mental health problem at some point in their lives - which may be true for an official diagnosis, I don’t know - but I really do believe in reality this statistic is 4/4. Awareness for mental health is increasing, and the battle to defeat stigma continues, and there is a lot of information out there for how to deal with it personally. This blog is an addition to what is already out there. 

I do hope that my experiences could some way help others. This is a personal journey and I am happy to share with others. Please read my disclaimer page before applying any content from this blog to your own amazing and spectacular lives. Also, I only talk about experiences with mood - I have no personal experience with diagnoses including, but not limited to, personality disorders, OCD or psychosis.

Love y’all, Sophie