secretdrt

[secretdrt]

The thing I want to figure out is if my mother is a covert narcissist or codependent.

My father is truly a narcissist. I want to like him, but I don’t have respect for someone who hates himself and have to drag everybody to lower than his levels. He can never say a good thing, acting like a Karen at restaurants, bringing up how ugly people are, and threatening to destroy anyone who gets in their way. But the one thing that I’m fortunate for is that he is a coward. He’s never enact violence and seems less interested in controlling his family. He loses control to my mother, who reigns him in and doesn’t tolerate with his bullshit. I can tell that the rage within him aims to protect himself, and that he is a truly depressed child.

My mother is more complicated. I don’t know what she is.

Let’s say she was well adjusted as she claimed. She was the eldest child of a big family and probably had to look after her siblings. This was post-war Korea. She had resentment towards her mother for denying her opportunity to go to college while investing everything into her son. Her only option was to finding a potential suitor that could support her. She dated many men, she was popular and missed those days when she was young and beautiful. She met my father, who had won a competition and was a celebrity that was on newspaper. They had gotten married quickly, and had my older brother.

My mother always regretted marrying my father. She realized that he was a narcissist who pissed away money and drank too much. So being pushed around, she had to learn how to stand up to his bullshit and take control. And he relented, sometimes with screaming and dishes being thrown, but nonetheless my mother took control of a shitty situation. My father first moved to Canada, and a year later, brought my mother and my brother. Then I was born.

In order to survive as an immigrant in a foreign country, my mother had to sacrifice her friends and family. All she had was her husband, and her children. She had some friends, but she seemed quite distant to them. She would bury her emotions and the companionship was secondary to her family. No, it was more like, she didn’t have time for friends. She had her children to take care of, a house to clean, and to work.

Typing out all this, she is probably both a covert narcissist who is also codependent. She does not have friends. She has dumped her emotions onto me, which may be inappropriate for a minor to hear. She had to learn how to control in order to reach her goals. She took over the family finances, the cooking, the cleaning. The husband does nothing. She is often jealous of my friends, who I treat lovingly when I am cold and distant from her. And I think my mother is my best friend. I don’t think I know anyone as well as her.

But, she also reacts extremely when someone threatens her ego. Mr. Kim had pushed his son to practice and she had yelled at him and his son to stop. She lost control of her emotions and went into a full rage, and could not accept leaving them alone. She thinks that the other workers had purposely embedded a nail into the tires of my father’s car. Every little negative action from a stranger she is affronted by personally. She sees herself as a victim, but instead of getting pity, she fights and shows an unpleasant woman who is belligerent and showing that she is strong. She is the one in control, with her loud overpowering voice and scrunched up face.

So yeah. She is a covert narcissist for sure. When I point out that she seems angry or worried, she denies it, won’t even entertain the thought. But she is. And this assertion is to protect herself from feelings of shame or looking weak. This doesn’t have to do much with me pulling away. This has to do more with her losing control, losing the facade as a strong woman.

[secretdrt]

It’s 4:30am. An hour ago, I was at the final stretches of listening to Jeanette McCurdy’s memoir, and I was starting to feel tired. Her audiobook was 6 hours long and I was so entranced by it. Only the last ten chapters or so had she wrote about her journey to recovery from her eating disorder, her toxic dead end career and alcoholism. By the time there was 10 minutes left, I was mentally exhausted. It didn’t seem like she had anything profound to say about her mother, and I had accepted an ending that she was still recovering and dealing with her feelings with her mother.

And then, the final chapter. There was only six minutes left. The emotion in her voice when she had clearly stated that her mother was a narcissist who controlled her and robbed her of her childhood. The way she loved her mother but also coming to terms about how terrible she was hit me like a truck. I wasn’t expecting that ending to be so concise. Jeanette’s mother was a narcissist who chose to harm her.

And now I’m riled up. The sleep gone from my system. My alarm will ring in two hours.

My situation is nowhere as extreme as Jeanette’s. But the fact that I’m relating to her feelings and experiences is proof that my parents are narcissists. And there is nothing I can do to change that.

[secretdrt]

Day 2

Woke up at 3am, feeling bloated and gassy, maybe from pizza. A little hungry and then not hungry.

Woke up energized and then feeling sleepy an hour later. Needed to unwind.

Slept 12-3am.

Slept 4-8am.

Managed to do tasks like brushing teeth and chores.

Tired

Took pills at 7pm

Feeling nauseous at 8:30

[secretdrt]

I appreciate the opportunity to go on trails and hike. I would have never gone on my own and this experience is something that I would live for and crave. Being in nature is amazing.

[secretdrt]

I am looking forward to spring. I want to go running and do c25k.

[secretdrt]

Ok

Things aren’t going well. I need to establish strict boundaries and habits to ensure my mental health is strong.

1. Establish stable sleeping schedule (4am - 9pm)

2. Cut out alcohol, caffeine and excessive carbs (no more than 50g/day)

3. OMAD, high fats and protein, low carbs (5pm)

4. Workout regularly

5. Control my finances

6. Maintain relationships, socialize more

7. Enrol in mental health program and anxiety management (CBT)

8. Meditate

9. Eat multivitamins, omega 3 and iron everyday (get iron pills)

10. Find new things to look forward to

[secretdrt]

Today I’m happy

Because I spent a wonderful weekend with my girlfriend. I needed her physical touch and affection. It was honestly the best. I love her so much.

[secretdrt]

05/16/19

My legs and arms feel like jelly.

And I’m thankful for that. It meant that I worked hard in my workout today. Tomorrow I’m going to be extra sore.

Today, I joined an cardio gym. The teacher and people there were very friendly. I’m glad that I didn’t chicken out today, because I was feeling weird and anxious trying a new thing, being exposed to new people and new activity. I survived.

Did I enjoy myself? Well, I did work hard at the beginning. Then I tapped out five minutes in the warmup exercises. When we were done, I was taking baby steps, haven’t felt this worn out in a long time.

And I’m happy that I worked out. Tried something new.

[secretdrt]

03/15

Other than being alive, today I’m grateful for having my own room. Living with parents is shameful for my age. But the fact that I am on good terms with my parents, and that we both respect boundaries meant that I feel totally safe. My room is my own paradise. It is small, well furnished and is hard to do yoga in. But I love the color of my room, even when my mum and my friend don’t.

I love my fish tank. And my sheets and my neat bookshelf that I have to organize some more. I have a lot of hobbies and interests displayed on these shelves, like my ukulele that I never play.

I like looking out my window. I see a house roof, and my room is to the side of the house. That gives me a lot of privacy. I can be completely naked and wouldn’t have a peeping Tom to worry about.

I feel safe, and I feel happy in my room.

[secretdrt]

Okay so I get it. Disappearing is bad. You wouldn’t vanish and have your friends and family feel like they fucked up somehow. Okay.

But I’m so selfish. I can’t be around anybody when I’m like this. I just can’t. I’m so angry everyday. Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. Why are you messaging me? I’m hurting. Just go away. I love you. I hate you. Don’t look at me. Stop it. Don’t.

So yeah. I get nasty when I’m like this because I have a hard time regulating my emotions, my thoughts and my behaviour. It’s easier to control myself when I isolate myself.

So fuckign what?? I’m a shit friend for just “vanishing”?? I’m doing this for your benefit. What the fuck do you want from me? I don’t depend on you. You can’t do anything for me. Just get the fuck away from me because I’ll fuck you up. I love you but you need to stop.

[secretdrt]

I’m going to die and everything is meaningless

[secretdrt]

Today I had a carefree day. The heavy atmosphere is gone today and everything felt peaceful.

And then suddenly I was hit with paranoia and anxiety. The feeling that something bad is imminent. It could be because I’ve been playing a game that had tragic and chaotic themes. But I was hit with dizzying fear. That I would experience life changing loss.

I’m afraid that my brother would become violent to us. I am scared of him. Logically, this would never happen, unless he loses everything. His money, his girlfriend, his job, his family. He wouldn’t sacrifice that for jail or even killing himself. Men who feels isolated are dangerous. Men who are pushed are dangerous. Men who hates women are dangerous. This is how I feel. And I am scared that he has the potential to hurt us.

[secretdrt]

I was really distressed by thinking about suicide. I haven’t thought about it for two years, and nowadays it’s obsessive, it follows me. I was so upset.

Even though I didn’t feel like it, I tried focusing on video games. It really does help. Earthbound is so lovely and charming. Progressing in game felt good, when you feel like you’re stuck in real life. It just distracts for the moment. Of course those feelings will come back, just like all instances of happiness will soon fade. But thinking about killing myself wont solve anything. It’s just self flagellation.

[secretdrt]

Hey guess what it’s not your friend and families responsibilities to wait for you to get👏your👏shit👏together👏 They are NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR WELL BEING. YOU ARE. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOU TO STOP ACTING LIKE AN ASSHOLE CAUSE YOU’RE DEPRESSED.

Signed, someone with clinical depression and is trying their best.

[secretdrt]

I honestly feel like nothing is okay. I don’t deserve rest.

That’s just anxiety and sadness talking. Mixed with some anger and frustration and disappointment.

[secretdrt]

I wasn't expecting that talk. She said everything that I was yelling at myself in my head.

Its hard to be compassionate to myself when I'm surrounded by people who reinforces self criticism.

Feeling 3/10. Might cry on the bus..

Nobody really knows how I'm doing, or how much I'm struggling. Im feeling so isolated. This shouldn't be new. This shouldn't be so painful.

I'm feeling terrible. Throat tight, eyes burn. I feel threatened and I just want to defend myself.

I don't know if I'll be able to concentrate in class

But the good news, I'm so glad I brought my earplugs. Fuck noise pollution.

[secretdrt]

Anger is an uncomfortable emotion designed to give you energy. It is to motivate you into action, to get yourself out of that situation. If you're angry, you need to know why you're angry and how to find the solution.

But sometimes it's hopeless. There are situations beyond your control and there is no solution. So you'll just get angry every time. And it's tiring, and painful.

Self-loathing and self-pity is fuelled by anger. It is the hatred of the self, but it is also based on guilt. For me anyways, it's a coping mechanism to assign blame in a situation beyond my control.

Self loathing is redundant, a waste of energy and needless pain. Anger is supposed to motivate you. But coupled with depression and feelings of hopelessness, it is nothing more than bullying yourself.

For example, you spend the entire afternoon mad at yourself because you impulse bought something expensive and now you're in debt. The solution is to return the items, or motivate yourself to manage your money better. All while mentally yelling at yourself. That's normal. Those feelings subsides as soon as the problem is fixed.

Another example is hatred of one's appearance. You feel angry because you're not satisfied with your looks. People have called you ugly in the past. You have insecurities. For some people, that motivates them to exercise, wear makeup, and maintain their appearance. In my experience, self-loathing became my entire life. It was hopeless, and it was an undeniable truth that I would never be attractive regardless of what I do. This self loathing is reinforced through action. I don't brush my hair, I don't shower for a week, I wear the same clothes, I reject advances from other people. Self loathing became my entire life.

This is bullshit. It's maladaptive and it's immobilizing. I don't deserve to treat myself like this, and you don't either. You need to find some compassion and find ways to fix it, or come to terms with the situation. I don't give a FUCK about your reasons why. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR LIFE AND ATTITUDE. NO ONE WILL PICK YOU UP.

I'M NOT SAYING YOU WANT TO BE UNHAPPY. BUT YOU ARE TORTURING YOURSELF FOR NO. REASON. AND YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO ACCEPT YOURSELF AND WORK HARD TO BECOME THE BEST YOU. FOCUS THAT ANGER ON FINDING A SOLUTION TO YOUR MISTAKES. CUT OFF TOXIC PEOPLE, AND TRUST YOURSELF.

YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON YOU TRULY HAVE. DONT WASTE YOUR LIFE FEELING LIKE THIS.