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I've been thinking a lot about compartmentalization lately.

When I look at what I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to be, I can see the symbiotic relationship; it's an ecosystem. It doesn't exist in a vacuum, and I can feel how it all connects in my fingertips and runs through every fibre of my being. It's incredibly tactile and it radiates this eager warmth I can't even begin to describe. But I also have this idea stuck in my head that everything feels tangential when really, it should be kept neatly organized. Stacked in boxes, sorted, systematized. Only pull out each box if and when you need it.

It's this desperate sprint towards control, but it's a mirage. Not only is this not actually tangential, it also doesn't need to be neatly packed away in precisely labelled boxes.

Just sort of testing the waters at this point, thinking out loud. I'm sure it's much more simple than I'm leading myself to believe it is. A URL change, allowing myself to share my interests more often, not giving people the same virtually unrestricted access to me they once had. Not running headlong into spirals and indulging every urge to compartmentalize myself into oblivion. Humans are complex, I don't know that they can be "properly" systematized. There have been so many versions of myself I've lost count.

Anyways, I need to be identifying with concepts, not as if that makes any sense. Not sure what's next or how I'll approach it, but I'll probably lean into the ecosystem. I think I owe myself that much.

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you gotta be as gay as possible on the computer otherwise alan turing died for nothing

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Start

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It’s been a busy few weeks. I’m going on vacation this Monday and I’m so excited! After lots and lots of prep work I finally get to relax and journal again

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Week 33 in my Hobonichi Weeks. I watched Alien Romulus, thought about a really nice message I got on Tumblr often, and watched Saw.

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[28/10/24] i locked in on black holes tonight after a lot of dilly dallying bc i have a gr exam tmr. really pumping the music helped A LOT. im kinda cooked bc this prof is in a whole other intellectual tax bracket and is known to have devastating exams (i have experienced them before). there is a LOT of math i am Not Confident on.

still, i was lowkey w0w bc black holes are so metal. at one point i wanted to do black hole physics and idk every kid wants to know more abt black holes bc they're so cool and wow im finally doing gr??? that's wild.

my friend once described our gr lecture as a pbs spacetime video and i Could Not stop laughing. but he's right! it feels like we've passed the event horizon of pop science now.

its always nice to get a moment of clarity after two L's in a row. time for another fight!

Supermassive Black Hole - Muse obviously in theme

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01.11.24

Two posts in one week; what is this?

I began this blog years ago in an attempt to both keep myself motivated to study and to hold myself accountable. Less of the former and more of the latter now. Even more, it has morphed into a way to see progress, to delineate it somehow. Mark down the effort I'm putting so in the future, when I fall into a pit of despair over my perceived stagnation, I may return to this little space and prove to myself that I have in fact been working. I find myself wanting to keep track of just how much time I sacrifice to my work now. Wanting a marker of it all. It becomes so easy to forget.

🎶 Need Not Turn - Robin Adams

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02.11.2024—actually making some progress with this novel. hit 10k today

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studying with an oat cappuccino :v)

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instagram

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october 30 2024

in house exam and then microbio shelf exam next week D: nervie

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‘ the night is silent, and raw divinity spills from the stars ‘

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26.09.2024—feeling quite unmotivated, just trying to stay afloat

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at the desk this week🕯️

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Hello November. Nice to see you again.

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10.26.24