sarkerink

[sarkerink]

Introduction

For the stories, letters and other brainstorming moments I’ll be sharing with you, you’re going to need to be brought up to speed, a lot of shits happened and changed since I first started documenting my self-healing journey. Covid19. Boom different. So, the things I started writing about soon became rather hard to relate to when the entire glob was in isolation. Buuuuut I did get to have a complete do over on my life even if I didn’t want to. Mentally and physically, I was negatively affected, just when I thought I was doing fine id spiral down and find myself digging my way out of another wave or episode. It was tuff. I was now living alone, working from home and pretty much always alone. My mental health took a beating, and I began to question everything, I mean I had the time and resources to be able to sit and explore myself without distractions from the outside world. With this given time, I was able to focus on myself more than ever, practice patience with one’s own thoughts and see things for what they were without the excuses of not having time. I started to further question choices that I’d made along with what choices did I want going forward, and if anything, how would I achieve the thing I’d desired.

For myself, the first lock down in March 2020 came at a rather odd time in my life. I had just moved out of my parents and into my first forever home. I was excited, I’d moved in on the 15th of January and was enjoying the highs of friends and family sharing in on the experience. Having recently flew to Amsterdam, and upon returning, I felt as if my healing process had come to its fruition, I was happy and learning how to live away from home. I was creating my own life and really pursuing the things I’d desired, such as, an honest home, violence free, no shouting, just a place where I could be me, free to live without judgment or fear. I did, my home is peaceful and calming. I created an Amsterdam chill vibe with an essence of charm and elegance, I love my home and it shall remain in this vein. I was away from the man that caused my pain and suffering, away from the triggers, I begun to learn that I no longer was required to be in survival mode. It was exhausting! And I can only say it now having been out of it for some time. What I’ve come to learn throughout my own journey and mental health is that we can heal from the past if we truthfully face the issues that lie deep within us by exploring yourself and objectively questioning thing. Observation is key for healing to fully process, without observing yourself you will fail.

Firstly, I’d like to address and raise awareness to the facts of my mental health and the significance of identifying and managing my conditions. Now, looking back in hindsight, I can see how significant my mental health was in aiding and influencing my choices and behaviour throughout my life. Through exploration of my past, I’ve come to understand events that influence heavily on key factors to one’s own sanity and peace of mind. It’s through this exploration that I’ve learned the importance of breaking patterns and understanding how and why relationships had broken down, as well as why I was struggling to be me. I’ve also come to learn where the healing needs to come from and why its so important to give love and love yourself.

My journey of life, as with everyone else’s has given me a fair share of hardships and butyral, but its these moments that have given me reason to want to share my experiences and how I’ve come to terms with the past, and finally been able to move forward. My journey explores my accounts of depression, anxiety and an eating disorder. I am curious of behaviour, human behaviour to be precise, the desire to understand why we make the choices we do has driven me to understand myself and the choices I’ve made in my life. I knew in my early 20s having had a difficult childhood that I would be somewhat wired alternatively. The past had cemented a path of deeply supressed emotions camouflaged by unhealthy behaviour and connections.

I was first diagnosed with depression around the age of 24 after a long-term relationship came to an end. Almost six months passed, and I was still unable to move on with my life. I was stuck in a pit of turmoil, uncontrolled and unwillingly crying at any given opportunity, be it, at work, home or out with friends, and although I talked to friends and resumed working full time, there was something holding me back from being able to take the steps needed to get over it. I was stuck in the depression phase – one of the hardest stages of grief in a breakup. Recognising my symptoms as being somewhat overwhelming, it was at this point I realised I needed professional help. So, I made some calls and arranged to be seen for an initial consultation with a therapist who would assess my situation and recommend the type of therapy I would be best suited with. Upon her recommendation I was given Jeri Onitskansky, a psychotherapist and Jungian analyst’s contact details and once contact was made, I started weekly sessions for a period of 4 years.

It was with Jeri that I explored my family unit and my sexuality. I was around 24 when I allowed myself to share openly for the first time that I had plans to end my life at the age of 30. Why 30? Jeri asked. Well, I didn’t believe that I was emotionally stable to be able to live beyond 30. I wasn’t enabled to coupe with life, I knew it was difficult and I didn’t want it, so I made the choice, enjoy life, achieve as much as I possibly could and then leave it all behind. A legacy, of an emotionally damaged but ambitious person. I would have shown the world that my existence wasn’t significant and the years of hiding away would all be in honour to everyone else but myself. I knew that I wanted to achieve as much as possible even through time wasn’t on my side. So, I did, by the age of 25 I created a property portfolio of three rental properties, one of which was a project of building two self-contained flats covered from a 3-bedroom house. I was working a full-time job in the bank, exploring the world with friends and living my best life. Thankfully therapy helped and by the time my sessions concluded with Jeri I was no longer planning on leaving earth by choice.

It was also during my time with Jeri that I began stepping outside of my comfort zones and started sharing thoughts and feelings that I had never shared with anyone before. A trained ear listening to the choice of words I used, guiding and aiding me to a deeper level of consciousness. A good Therapist will provide you with the tools to see things from a different perspective in a beautiful and elegant way. A key element to take into consideration if you ever find yourself in therapy is that you should be willing to see things differently. The perception of our past and judgement of people or situations should be altered in a way that gives room for change. Together we pealed back layers to matters I would present in the session, exploring ideas and concepts to my past and most importantly allowing myself to feel and understand my emotions. The basic goal and attitude of Jungian analysis is to build an ongoing relationship with the unconscious. Rather than seeing it merely as the repository of repressed memories, Jung viewed the unconscious as a source of direction and healing. According to Jung, dreams give us honest portrayals of who we really are. Not surprisingly much of my time with Jeri was exploring my inner dialogue and working on my dreams, a skill I’d have to quickly learn in order to achieve meaning in my sessions. After much practice I was able to recall my dreams in detail. The moment I awoke from a dream I would write down the events in as much detail as possible and even sit quietly and recall the events that has passed through my mind. I recall some significant dreams that we discussed with astonishing theories and ideas as to what they could be symbolising or informing me of. A dream I don’t believe I will ever forget was giving birth to a baby boy via my annual passage. The idea of giving birth to a new life through my annual passage symbolised the strains and difficulties I was having in identifying myself as a being, yet something about the birth was significant to my personal development and identity. I also recall marriage and death being part of my process symbolising commitment issues and the ending of secrets and silence.

Looking back now I can see how immature I was to the process and believed a lot of it to be washy. I felt protective of my family and friends and had a very defensive stance towards what felt like an invasion, especially when it was my subconscious (dreams) doing the talking. I would contest and challenge theories presented by Jeri sometimes even out rightly calling them ridiculous and wrong. The idea of my dreams being anything more than present day events seemed Ludacris. How was it possible that the dream could be telling me about myself, and even more Ludacris how it was possible that the dream was a direct reflection of my emotions. I used to argue that if dreaming had such a significance to my emotional state and subconscious mind then why where they so complex to interpretate, why wasn’t the dream clear and simple to understand. As my understanding of the work developed my beliefs began to change, so much so that I would be disappointed if I arrived at a session whereby, I had no recall of my dreams, or had very little detail to work with. I became reliant on my subconscious to guide the session. At the time I wanted to understand myself more and explore how my brain was functioning.

Many of the dreams I went to Jeri with were in relation to my sexuality. I was a semi closeted gay guy edging towards his 30’s sitting in a therapist chair discussing the difficulties of being gay and how challenging having to hide oneself was. The consequences of denying myself where horrific and traumatising to say the least. I was surrounded by straight people who believed I was straight to. I hated myself and every aspect of my life. I lived a double life and became the worst person I knew. A lair to myself and those around me. I continued to live in this fashion for many years, hiding who I was.

I was a child growing up as a gay man who received no family support in dealing with ant-homosexual prejudices. Something I was dealing with in the family home, workplace and general society -gay people are often subjected to the anti-homosexual attitudes of their own families and communities and sadly this was me. Hiding activities learned in my childhood now persisted into young adulthood concealing important aspects of myself. I was so troubled with being gay that I was struggling to acknowledge myself let alone to others. I had homoerotic feelings, attractions and fantasies which I was never able to share with my immediate family. Friends became family and it was those that I became reliant on to emotionally support me. My homosexuality was unacceptable that I kept it out of my conscious awareness, and it was never to be integrated into my public persona and consequently my feelings had to be dissociated from the self and hidden from others even though I was homosexually self-aware. I accepted some aspects of myself and even though I wanted to share this with the world the outcome of acceptance was not pre-determined. For example, there was religious and cultural aspects to consider, choosing a celibate life to avoid what, for me, would be the problematic integration of religious and sexual identities. I wasn’t willing to be celibate nor was I willing to speak the truth and as result the idea of death was the solution. Sullivan's (1956) concept of dissociation may be illuminating, particularly its most common aspect: selective inattention. A ubiquitous, nonpathological process, selective inattention makes life more manageable, like tuning out the background noise on a busy street. However, through dissociation of anxiety-provoking knowledge about the self, a whole double life can be lived and yet, in some ways, not be known. Clinical presentations of closeted gay people may lie somewhere in severity between selective inattention--most seen in the case of homosexually self-aware patients thinking about "the possibility" that they might be gay--to more severe dissociation--in which any hint of same-sex feelings resides totally out of conscious awareness. More severe forms of dissociation are commonly observed in married men who are homosexually self-aware but cannot permit the thought of themselves as gay (Roughton, 2002). The latter is a real issue in today’s gay community. The number of married men seeking sexual satisfaction from other men in my opinion and observation is on the rise, an alarming number of married men who tret openly gay men as sexual objects who are only there to fulfil the “Straight” mans desires by degrading the openly gay man. These types of men (DL) are lost and are extremely harmful to the community and others. They act out sexually in violent and aggressive behaviours. I had one experience of being with a married man, he believed he could be physical and omit punches during sexual gratification. He was merely playing out his internalised hate of himself and believed by being abusive that he was being masculine and asserting his dominance.

The trouble of not being out and accepting of myself played a massive role in my self-esteem. I became an expert in living a double life. With Family I was a straight guy, to the outside I was just me, a normal gay guy trying to live. I became so good at speaking without revealing the gender of the person being discussed or without providing any gendered details of my personal life. Sedgwick (1990) called "'Closeted-ness' ... a performance initiated as such by the speech act of a silence--not a particular silence, but a silence that accrues particularity by fits and starts, in relation to the discourse that surrounds and differentially constitutes it." I avoided telling family anything personal and avoided references to gender altogether or leaving out significant information as to where I was or what I was doing. This wasn’t particularly hard if I’m being honest the home environment that I grow up already embedded the rules of not communicating or asking questions. A self defence mechanism that I’ll detail in more later.

It was extremely painful to keep such significant aspects of myself hidden and I had developed different aspects of the self. Constant hiding creates difficulties in accurately assessing other people's perceptions of oneself, as well as recognising one's own identity and strengths. Dissociation's impact on self-esteem can also make it difficult to feel one's actual accomplishments as reflections of one's own abilities. Transparency, invisibility, losing one's voice, and being stuck behind walls or other barriers are some of the terms used to describe the subjective experience of dissociative detachment (Drescher, 1998).I hate to admit but even today I still choose to keep my true identify out of the limelight with a select number of people, perhaps I’m tired of having to constantly “come out” to people and it’s just a little easier to hold back, after all, those who don’t know are insignificant to my life. Hiding and passing as heterosexual becomes a lifelong moral hatred of the self; a maze of corruptions, petty lies, and half-truths that spoil social relations in family and friendships.

My coming out wasn’t something I chose, that right was taken from me by a “friend” who believed it was their duty to expose the truth. He was also gay and happened to find my dating profile on a gay website, Gaydar. One of the first online gay dating services used in the early 90’s. Once he identified it was me, he did the honour of calling and informing other friends of my identity. Although at the time it seemed my world had come to an end, looking back at it now, I’m thankful, although I do feel it had an influence on my process of coming out to oneself.

Years spent in the closet can make the prospect of revealing oneself an emotionally charged experience. However, the process is not just about revealing oneself to others--in coming out, gay people integrate, as best they can, dissociated aspects of the self. Herdt and Boxer (1993) classified coming out as a ritual process of passage that requires a gay person to 1) unlearn the principles of natural or essentialist heterosexuality; 2) unlearn the stereotypes of homosexuality; and 3) learn the ways of the lesbian and gay culture they are entering. Finally, as gay people must decide daily whether to reveal and to whom they will reveal themselves, coming out is a process that never ends.

Coming out to oneself is a subjective experience of inner recognition. It is a moment that is sometimes charged with excitement and at other times with trepidation. It is a realisation that previously unacceptable feelings or desires are part of oneself. It is, in part, a verbal process--putting into words previously unarticulated feelings and ideas. It is a recapturing of disavowed experiences.

Coming out to oneself may precede any sexual contact. Sometimes, the moment of coming out to oneself is sexually exciting. Some gay people describe it as a switch being turned on. "Coming home" or "discovering who I really was" are how gay people frequently describe coming out to themselves. In the language of Winnicott (1965), it can be experienced as a moment in which they contact their true selves, something I feel was missing when outed.

Coming out to oneself may be followed by coming out to others. Such revelations are not always greeted with enthusiasm, and fear of rejection often plays a significant role in a gay person's decision about who to tell or whether to come out. For those who cannot come out in their hometown, moving to another city offers opportunities to come out among strangers. Something I attempted to do by moving to another city whilst studying at university, although this plan feel threw as several friends from my hometown also attended the same university, whereby for the next 3 years we lived together. It can be exhilarating to come out in new and faraway places where one is not known to either family or friends and it was this that I desired when deciding to move away. After making such a move, gay people may completely sever relationships with their past lives, something I attempted but failed in doing.

By the age of 21 I was out to most friends and certainly trying to be as open as I felt comfortable. It’s sad to think what experience I could have had if only I was able to escape the people from my past and truly be in an environment where I could be myself without the fear of information getting back home. As the years continued to press on, I developed several emotional issues and an identity crisis soon developed whereby my mental health began to deteriorate. I feel it was during my time at university that my mental health issues began to play out. Having developed a set of skills that allowed me to cope and manage my home life I soon started to develop new and harmful coping techniques in order to manage the internal pain and suffering I was enduring…

[sarkerink]

People Gazing

24th August 2019

I have always loved writing, the feeling of the pen while it skims over the page leaving an ever-lasting imprint on the path to an unknown end.

I have not always been good at writing but today I have discovered that I like it. Teachers would always encourage my creative side more which made me feel as if I was never good enough in my writing. I recall back in secondary school, my A level philosophy teacher advised me to stay away from studying philosophy further, even though I had the highest grade in the class so instead I opted to study Film and Drama. Over the years writing has come in and out of my life but not something that I stuck to, with these entries I'd like to change that.

Today, 24th August 2019 I travelled alone outside of the UK. My first solo trip to Amsterdam, something I have always been too afraid to do. As I sit in the city centre smoking a joint, I am quickly starting to realise that I am letting go of self-judgement. Who would have thought it, I, (insert name) am quickly becoming content with my own company?

Is it possible to calm the Anxiety, calm down the self-judgment and feel less anxious? Fear has always been the root cause of my anxiety, like an event horizon of a black hole, an unwilling pull, dragging me towards the feeling of uncertainty and self-doubt. Fears live within the core of my mind every day and it's time that I understand the source and substance of what they hold. Is it possible to bend the fabric of time, travel back and heal the scars within my mind? Fear can come in many forms, we are not born with them, yet they are the building blocks to which help build our charter, personality, and ideology. I wonder more so than ever if I could possibly revisit the past and begin to let go of the things that cause my Anxiety and Depression.

I'm starting to understand that the general population of people do not do things because they do not enjoy it, rather they do it because it makes them feel good. They are not sitting waiting for things to change without actually doing the work, nor wasting time sitting and going over the same old thoughts and fears. They let go, move on and are doing things because it makes them happy and that's what I need to learn to do for myself. Much easier said than done when your brain has been developed and programmed to think and feel otherwise. Anxiety causes me to either stay in a loop going round and round with the same thought process, or I get the upbeat high, which normally consist of a multitude of completed tasks in a short period of time. Both these moods can have a down beat tone of self-destructive behaviour which is normally presented in the form of Procrastination. Achieving a lot of small daily tasks but ignoring the more complex needs and wants from life.

I am experiencing a feeling of contentment right now as I sit and people gaze. Although it has not been many hours since landing from the UK, I am becoming less fearful of being alone...What is this feeling of contentment and being present, not fearing the scary thoughts or fears. Perhaps it’s just the joint kicking in and suddenly the world seems like a much nicer place to be or perhaps its Amsterdam!

Writing gives me the freedom not to think about anything and just be one with my inner thoughts, allowing the words to quietly indent themselves on the pages leading the narrative of what's to come as if in a meditative state - enabling me to slow down and allow the process of thought and wonder to begin.

Today marks what I hope is the beginning of self-discovery and exploration with a focus on wanting to understand my condition, General Anxiety disorder and Depression. I'm on this trip for one reason and one reason only, I need to begin healing and putting back some of the broken parts to my heart, I can't continue to keep losing in love, or having relationships break down. I've lost so much of late, and this journey will aid in finding peace in the events that had taken place just a few months ago.

I need to understand and learn to move on from the things I have no control over. In order for me to do this I must face my fears and stop ignoring the past otherwise I'll never be happy or be able to move on from it.

I was just approached by the waiter in the café. I can only describe this place as one of Amsterdam’s beauties, the tables are tiny and the chairs just as tiny but for what they lack in size they make up in amazing bright vibrant Mosaic colours. The café and seating area lay in between a fork in the cobbled road. His curiosity leads him to ask what I was writing, as we exchange words, he begins to tell me his journey just a few weeks ago where he details the overwhelming feeling of peace when he wrote his thoughts down while traveling solo across Europe. If my heart could have jumped out it would have as he described the very emotion and reason I was there.

[sarkerink]

The Impact On Us All.

Anne

Sometimes it is easier to write down the things we would like to say but never do. I only hope these words reach you.

I wanted to talk to you about your health, physical and mental and how both reflect each other.

A troubled home mixed in with an identity crisis (being gay) I adapted to the environment and believed that stopping myself from having any feelings would make me a stronger and better person. A survival tactic employed by the mind to defend itself from the accounts of what took place. I began finding other coping mechanisms which started when moving to university. Bulimia nervosa – Bing eating and purging.

I have done all the lose weight methods. The yoyo dieting, laxatives and fasting. It has taken me 15 years of self-abuse, to have reached an understanding of what it means to be healthy. That comes from understanding that I deserve to feel good. I no longer need to carry the weight of his issues and build a protective bubble.

You! As I, have hurt and broken several times, we have had to both pick ourselves up and be the bigger, stronger, better character, because if we are not, he has beaten us. That method worked but is not required.

I am not asking you to seek medical advice. However, let me help you lose weight. This is not going to be a diet whereby you are restricting what you can eat. This is not going to be about how much you weigh, it is going to be about understanding several behaviours and educating you on eating disorders. I can give you the understanding and knowledge of why we do the things we do, we had been affected in similar ways, it was all our experience, so it is not shocking its similar behaviours. This process will be about one step at a time and at your own pace, there are no commitments to pressure yourself in doing anything, all you need to do it start feeling, feelings for yourself. The eating disorder is managed once you internally heal the source of the pain.

Although you are not old, I am old enough to understand when there is an issue, which makes you older. You have two amazing grandchildren that would really love to see you live forever, and two children that need you too. Do not let your stubbornness be your demise.

[sarkerink]

My Voice

To this day I struggle to use my voice.

As a gay boy growing up in the 1980's, 90's with an abusive dad it seemed as if I would be conditioned and sentenced to a life of silence.

Culturally (Turkish - Muslim) there was no space to be gay. Society just started to shed light on the gay scene but was still breaking news when two men kissed on an episode of EastEnders. Home life, well it was not the type of environment where conversations were possible so coming out to family was not an option.

Anxiety is now the symptom of the oppression that I grew up in. The fear my dad created within the family unit grew thicker with each year that passed and it very quickly became about distractions and coping mechanisms to keep the cogs turning, it was not easy for any of us.

Unsurprisingly, we never discussed any of the traumatic events that took place, not then, nor now. We lived by the code of "Don't ask, don't tell" (DADT) with a pledge to live by this code for the rest of our lives. In this case the code was, do not ask how I feel and do not tell anyone my feelings. To survive we made sacrifices and as a result the ability to converse with one another was lost. we have become emotionally stumped and as the years continue to pass the more difficult it becomes to fill the silence.

The family unit is at breaking point, and I can see and feel both your pain. Mum, you are eating yourself into a pit of health issues both mental and physical. My brother is living a life of stress and pain, food is his comfort and gifts are his words. He has no ability to connect emotionally which is having an impact on his own family.

Distractions and coping mechanisms are no longer working for us, and it is time that we come together to move forward and forgive ourselves for the pain and suffering we dealt with. You must accept and acknowledge the past. All these years and we have not spoken to each other about anything that happened... It is time. I have a voice and I will use it to speak for us, to help you share your story. Use my voice as a platform to speak, cry and feel again. Time is truly a gift, and we have wasted so much, let us not waist anymore.

Rules.

- Resist showing emotion to each other in front of dad. This stops him from thinking we side with mum, and in turn will hopefully stop him from being rageful.

- Eat all your dinner in silence, do not comment on the food, if he starts complaining about not having bread on the table, or the unpeeled onion, or the hummus being "out of date" just keep eating.

- Ignore the abusive language and function as if this whole situation is fine, hide your emotions from sadness.

- Don't talk about yesterday’s events.

- Don't talk about your emotions.

- Don't ask questions!

- Accept his rules. He can do what he wants, no explanations required.

- The house must always be clean, tidy, and only 5% is used for social and domestic purposes.

- Invite friends over at your own risk.

- Don't play in the garden.

- keep dog chained up.

- He watches what he wants on the television.

- Don't lay on the sofa.

- Don't forget to thank him for things he did not do.

- And, most important, pretend we have no knowledge of the affair.

[sarkerink]

God I'm so fucking depressed its unreal. Not suicidal. A deep emotion hanging across my shoulders weighing me down. I can't seem to find joy in anything at the moment.

This time last year i was totally content in just being! (Just being, such a graceful feeling). Thinking back when I was last present and living in the moment was this time last year. I was gardening away with not a care in the world picking at flowers, cutting the bushes and embracing the joy of being on my own with my own thoughts and feelings... A year on, I find myself completely unstatisfied at having just performed the same things that once had given me peace and joy.

Why cant depression just fuck off, i mean every time i find my balance and I think that ive moved on from the depression it finds another god fursaken way of finding its way back. Im lonely and i have been for a while now. I'm forgetting what love feels or taste like.... I've been on my own for so long that coming out of lockdown and getting back to some form of normal scares me. I have no significant other person to explore the world with or start anything new. I've done so much on my own for so long i don't think id even know how anymore.... how to be with someone and not be annoyed by them coming into my life...How fucked up.

The pandemic is starting to slowly lift and with restrictions easing I'm begging to think that maybe moving to Amsterdam for some time might do me a world of good (Something that ive always dreamed of but have never had the balls to do). The company I work for this week announced that working from home is a permanent structure. The old days of working in an office has ended and with that, suddenly my world become very small. Where as i used to travel into the city I'm now waking up already at work. Just over a year ago i thought I built my dream home, little did I know I was building a prison without guards, I can make all the rules, but beyond my front door is a different set of rules implemented and designed to keep you abay. The social aspect of seeing people has gone and i now need to find new ways of creating a social network, how is the question I'm now facing.

[sarkerink]

Sometimes the internal feeling of loneliness can be so compelling that your tempted to fall into a twisted state of emotion that leads towards the more difficult roads in life.

Strength comes to you only during the times where you're inner self (the inner child or other emotionally scared self) must resist the desire to emotionally self harm. In order to better ourselves one of the key skills that enable any person dealing with mental health is to understand that we all have choices (this applies to all humans with or without mental illness). The choices we make throughout life is the key to a healthy or unhealthy state of mind, and life. Visualisation of the paths (two or three) takes practice and patience, patience is like being in a state of meditation, allowing the emotions to play their course and observing yourself, explore and ask why you feel somewhat different today. Once the questions begin you'll be in a better mind set to start making choices for yourself that lead to more rewarding outcomes. Set yourself realistic goals and ambition, small, slow steps to a healthy life.

Its no secret that 2020/21 hasn't touched or shaped our lives in one way or another. The pandemic isn't just a virus of the physical body but on the mind. Along side the virus runs an invisible strand, a mutation of itself undetectable at microscopic levels. This pandemic requires us to look outwardly on society, an observation of what's to come. Life without a doubt has/is changing and as a society we generally adapt well with small changes. We have time to adapt, adjust and look at things differently however, the way things have been changing recently feels like a chaotic mess the pace in which everything has shifted is surely to have an impact on how the brain functions and operates in its current climate. Mental health issues is on the rise and a new pandemic is among us with by my observations is on the increase.

Those who understand mental health should be open and willing to understanding that we have more control over the state of our mental health than first anticipated. The desire to want to be healthy minded, to want to make healthy choices lives within the harbours of our emotions. Spend the time to dig within those waters, and swim around the mist, and when you start you'll begin to see the pain for what it really is. By all means explore the fears and be open to understanding them. Once you have understood and nurtured the emotions showing sympathy to them they themselves begin to show sympathy back and together you can find equilibrium. Although not always balanced. The balancing act becomes a life long journey of negotiations between (in my case) the depressed, Anxiety, bulimic self. You'll find at times that an emotional wave may come and rock the balance, however, having visited and explored the merky misty waters the truth is...the pain and distress is never the same... Something quite comforting can be found when revisiting old wounds and its this understanding and willingness to want to make the right choices that we begin to build on our strengths. #MENTALHEALTH #pandemic #mensmentalhealth

[sarkerink]

Depression, Anxiety – The Thoughts, see me now!

Part 2

H.M

As much as you needed me out of your life, I also needed to let go of many aspects of mine. To understand fully who I wanted to be. Lost in the friendships that existed. How desperately I needed to escape but did not know how to.

My words are not intended to offend, I am just aware of my wrongs and sometimes admitting your wrong could be translated as hurtful.

Perhaps some of my last words to ****** was the repeated sentence. “I don’t like whom I’m becoming”. These words meant so much more than what could have been imaged. For me it was the tip of the ice burg, what followed was an avalanche of self-understanding and love from within. The crakes, so sharp and painful but the outcome was the clearest sheets of ice you could imagine. I finally love myself, depression truly no longer lives at the forefront of my mind, and with that part of my thought process. I was always aware that you deserved more. You deserved someone that loved themselves, and in that period of my life, I could have never loved you the way you imaged it would have been. This is what I meant to you when we came back from Mexico, in the park in central. “If it does happen I want to give you the best version of me” I knew you deserved that and I wasn’t able to lie to you by convincing myself and you, that I was. I knew I had deeper issues to resolve fair greater than anyone could be expected to help carry. These issues were unknown but present. Issues such as these explored only have room for one. An impossible road to allow anyone to join because you, yourself have no idea of the direction it will take you in.

Because of you, I was forced to look within myself and start acting. I was living an impossible unhealthy life, and the end of our friendship that started the motions. Again, thank you for being brave in that moment of our lives.

With that all being said I will leave it at that. I did love you and truly meant all that was said. I am sorry I could not deal with all the fear at the time. My intension is not to provoke any questioning on your behalf or to cause any hurt with the words being said. If anything, I hope it helps with any thought’s you may have had once upon a time.

From a past friend.

SarKerInk

[sarkerink]

Depression, Anxiety – The Thoughts, see me now!

H.M

Part 1

To sum up in one word to why the things ended the way they did is fear. I have always lived by the acronym, F.E.A.R. False evidence appearing real. I guess in this situation it is proven to be true just sometimes not always so obvious at first.

The fear of losing you as a friend caused me to act in ways I am unable to recognise. Led by the motion of not knowing what life would be like without you I attempted to fix the mistakes that kept repeating.

For me, the last two years of the friendship became so difficult, so intense, twisted with emotional turmoil it is hard at times to recall the good times. Do not misunderstand me I am aware we did have an awesome friendship, but I am led to feel that almost all had a motive.

Your motive was for us to be together one day. Year in, year out, you would consciously and unconsciously act, say, and behave in ways that showed signs of wanting more and I am not saying that was wrong.

For me, I played on the idea because I loved you so much and did not ever want to lose you. something sadly that I’ve had to learn the hard way and for this I’m sorry. I'm sorry I was never direct, clear and honest with you towards this situation. I guess the fear of being that honest with myself meant accepting the truth. The truth of knowing that we could not be friends if I admitted that I never wanted more than just a friendship.

For a large part, you felt stronger emotions than just friendship which you certainly deserved and needed. I hope now in your current relationship you can see what it means to be loved back the right way.

Your decision for us to stop being friends was the upmost important and rewarding steps you could have taken. I take my hat off to you, I commend your actions because it had to happen for both of us. Thank you for being brave at that moment in time. Losing you, and the friendship was one of the hardest times I have experienced to date. Somewhat equally difficult was having to accept how this event was portrayed to the outside, a situation that we both rightfully owned somehow became unwillingly other people’s options and concerns.

Your fear stopped you from being open and honest about how you felt towards me. You never once ever said you loved me nor wanted to spend the rest of your life with me (un-jokingly and in the right context) However I have no right to judge, we both hid behind our fears of being honest at the risk of being hurt for speaking the truth, and with that rationale, I hold no anger towards you or the situation. I hold no anger at all towards anything. I have wanted you to know this for a while now, perhaps it is because I am used to you knowing everything for past 20 years. (The day on the train back in December 2019 I truly believe the smiles that we exchanged and the small act of reaching out truly gave me the feeling that you already knew this and it gave me comfort).

You are by now probably wondering why I have chosen to make contact. Well, to put it simply, acknowledgement. We all require closer at different times of our lives and this is mine. I wish you all the best with your future, we all deserve to love and be loved by someone, and most importantly by ourselves…

I will always hold some of your last words you said to me near and dear to my heart. “if the universe brings us back then it does”. It would be a pleasure to share the most remarkable journey I have been on to get me to where I am today. If the universe brings us back together id hope you like to hear my journey, and visa versa.

I finally had space and time to deal with the darkest parts that I held within. The ones we are so unaware off yet lie deep within our everyday actions.

[sarkerink]

Depression, Anxiety – The Thoughts, see me now!

30/08/2019

So, it hasn't taken long to start planning my next trip to Amsterdam. This time around it is a semi solo trip. 4 nights two of which will be accompanied by a friend whose intention is to stay for 2 nights. A part of me does feel like I wish I was going alone again. There was something so peaceful about being alone – one minded adventures. My mind doing what it wants when it wants.

For someone that hated being alone seems like I am becoming genuinely an individual that likes being alone. Just a few months ago, being alone with my own thoughts would have been horrendous. However, having stepped up and started facing the fears, I’m now starting to fear myself much less than I ever have done before.

The journey of self-discovery has become addictive and all I desire is to explore myself. There are so many avenues that I want to understand. So many fears to face and uncover. I will keep working on this topic of fear as I feel this subject is going to be extremely interesting and enlightening. A tangible subject for me to work with that I feel could bring a true reflection of the inner workings of my mind to the surface here and in therapy. I need to address these fears and the issues they presents; I want to understand how we create fear and where it comes from. I feel like I am begging to understand my own fear much more than perhaps just your average person. I could get lost in the ink and blank pages of writing about the causes of my depression. I just finding it so freaking interesting.

A therapist once asked me an interesting question. “what was the last thing you did that made you forget to eat” and I honestly wasn't able to remember what that was. Now as I write I'm discovering that being a creative person, in what ever aspect that may be. Writing or painting are the things that allow time to pass where I forget to eat. This was something as a child I always enjoyed and will forever keep doing. It's beautiful to find and it will take something (if anything exist) to take that away from me now.

SarKerInk

[sarkerink]

Depression, Anxiety – The Thoughts, see me now!

Today I was talking to a local (X-Pat), he was telling me how he was looking to live in the city. He has only been in Amsterdam for a week living with a friend and is now looking for work. This is what is great about the EU, the open borders, freedom of movement to see and experience new things. It is this aspect of the EU I will miss once the UK leaves.

Today I am starting to see with every conversation I have with myself or with a stranger I am learning about me and who I am. I am learning that things that I would usually have been criticized for wanting to discuss are the things that are important to me, politics, for example, something that I feel very strongly about would have once upon a time been something that I would have shied away from.  

As the day progresses and I continue to walk from Coffee shop to Coffee shop I am starting to accept the notion that I am letting go of the fear of being myself, no longer feeling that I’m weird or too deep, just the understanding that perhaps I was surrounding myself with the wrong type of company, so the things I had to say or found interesting would always be quickly dismissed or mocked.

I am a little quirky and  deep.  It is these little things about myself I am very quickly starting to like. Letting the fear go should not be something that someone should ponder over and over making yourself crazy. That right there is what my problem has always been my whole life, repeating the same thoughts over and over, not being able to let go of the fear that I never knew existed within. I still have so much to explore about myself, I feel like this is just the beginning. I still am afraid of going down the unknown roads. There will be many levels to which I will need to explore before being able to let go. With every passing moment I can test myself and I'm sure to do so. I must trust the acknowledgement that I'm letting go. Therefore, from this moment in time, I will stop talking about letting the fear go and trust that I am.

Goodbye fears till we meet again x.

SarKerInk

[sarkerink]

Depression, Anxiety – The Thoughts, see me now!

Page 4

26th/09/2019

I have spent 3 days alone but not lonely. My first Sober entry (not had a joint yet). How have I found it, well simply put it has been the best 3 days I have ever had.

There is something so magical about walking the streets of another city solo. The time you give yourself to explore another place and you is amazing. I guess I have come with an agenda but none the less I have achieved in a noticeably short amount of time what I needed. Within 3 days I have come back a lighter person.

I have started letting go of my fears and no longer looking for guidance and confirmation from anyone. During my time away I also started applying some boundaries with my mum, as a 33-year-old man, for the first time in my life I started recognising that although I have a good relationship with my mum there are elements that needed adjusting. While away I asked her not to constantly call me or message me to check up on me and told her that I would reach out if I needed and would touch base to let her know I was ok. I understood her concerns as I was feeling lonely and in a depressed state of mind traveling in a foreign country. She had reason to call so often, however, the type of relationship at the time was only adding to the fears that I needed to work on so for the first time I asked her to hold back on the calls and texts. She failed at all cost. Every time my phone buzzed with a call or text; I would feel the same entrapment feeling I have become to recognise in my adult life as a child like grip. To add to it, the depression did not allow for me to feel the emotion of missing anyone. I was gone for 3 days (not even full days) and in my mind that just was not long enuf to miss anyone. Yet she would call or message everyday without fail. Another pointless text or call would fill her need to make reach out, a picture of the cat or something about the dog. I just want my own life and for these emotion shackless to be broken, a life where I can live without fear or restriction is all I am desiring today.

I think I want to explore fear a little more, I need to understand the depths of what fear means.

What foundations have I laide along the years that causes the stillness in my life. I didn’t think I’d enjoy opening myself up as much as I am but this is becoming an adventure that I’m being to love exploring. So much shit in these woods, but with each doggy bag it seems I’ve collecting and removing quite a bit. Lets just hope I can continue on this road of self exploration. Perhaps another get away ?

Oh, by the way, I visited a gay sauna on my last day in Amsterdam… Great experience!

#Sarkerink

[sarkerink]

Depression, Anxiety – The Thoughts, see me now!

Page 3

26/09/2019

Today I was talking to a local (X-Pat), he was telling me how he was looking to live in the city. He has only been in Amsterdam for a week living with a friend and is now looking for work. This is what is great about the EU, the open borders, freedom of movement to see and experience new things. It is this aspect of the EU I will miss once the UK leaves.

Today I am starting to see with every conversation I have with myself or with a stranger I am learning about me and who I am. I am learning that things that I would usually have been criticized for wanting to discuss are the things that are important to me, politics, for example, something that I feel very strongly about would have once upon a time been something that I would have shied away from. As the day progresses and I continue to walk from Coffee shop to Coffee shop I am starting to accept the notion that I am letting go of the fear of being myself, no longer feeling that I’m weird or too deep, just the understanding that perhaps I was surrounding myself with the wrong type of company, so the things I had to say or found interesting would always be quickly dismissed or mocked. I am a little quirky and a deep it is these little things about myself I am very quickly starting to like a lot about myself. Letting the fear should not be something that someone should ponder over and over making yourself crazy. That right there is what my problem has always been my whole life, repeating the same thoughts over and over, not being able to let go of the fear that I never knew existed within. I still have so much to explore about myself, I feel like this is just the beginning.

I still am afraid of letting go of the unknown, there are going to be many different levels of letting go, new moments where you test yourself but to say you’ve let go you must trust the acknowledgement that you’ve let go. Therefore, from this moment in time, I will stop talking about letting the fear go and trust that I have. Goodbye fears till we meet again x.

#SarKerInk

[sarkerink]

Depression, Anxiety – The Thoughts, see me now!

Letting the Fear go

Page 2

25August 2019

Does everyone have the same level of thought process but have different levels of questioning? Why do some people have a desire to understand their emotions where others are just content with not knowing? What makes someone who they, what does maturity mean, it is certainly not ages related, it all begins in the mind. The real question is does everyone had a turning point in life. The turning point to where a crossroad develops, and it truly does change the person you become. I need to find peace, something I have been searching for my whole life, and before I can, I need to deal with my shit. (I have got my shit to deal with) A therapist once told me, she does not think depression is quite common at all, even less common than those who have been diagnosed with it. This was certainly food for thought when I left that session. For weeks I did ponder on what could be meant by this, someone who is treating me for depression it was rather difficult to swallow. I recall asking her in the next session why, and what she meant by her statement. She explained that we all have choices, and she believes that there are reasons why we choose to be depressed. I guess choosing to be depressed isn’t correct, nor as simple as that, but as I opened my mind to the possibility of depression being a choice, I began to understand my actions and thoughts and started playing with the idea that, I could choose to allow the depression and negative thoughts to control my mood or I could choose not to.

My journey leaves me to believe that the life we live can lead two ways, one where all the fears of whom you could become if you happen to lose control, all the temptations, that dark place in your mind could become who defines you, while the other path leads to contentment and self acceptance. Even now as I sit here writing, something has triggered the anxiety, a physical feeling within the middle of my chest close to my heart is very present and I can only come to believe as I read back the writing on the page that I’m feeling this tightness because of the topic on life choices. What is it about the thoughts that cause me to feel this way, yesterday I was chilled, enjoying being away from life containments, the external factors that exist outside of Amsterdam are not with me right now so why should I be stressing about friends, family, and home, for now, none of those things are important, all that matters is you and I need to make sure I understand the importance of me.

#SarKerInk

[sarkerink]

Depression, Anxiety – The Thoughts, see me now!

Page one

24th August 2019

I have always loved writing, the feeling of the pen while it skims over the page leaving an ever lasting imprint on the path to an unknown end.

I have not always been good at it but today I have discovered that I like it. Teachers would always encourage the more creative aspects of my then known skill sets. I recall the philosophy teacher advising me away from wanting to study philosophy at university and guided my young vulnerable mind to study film studies instead. I continued to believe I was not good enough to write and have only now at a much older age become to understand that I am starting to love this. Writing has come in and out of my life since I can remember but it has not been anything that I stuck with.

Several note pads have come and gone with little or minimal entries. I hope this one is different. Today, 24th August 2019 I travelled alone outside of the UK. My first solo trip, something I have always been too afraid to do alone. Now as I sit in the city centre, smoking a joint I am very quickly starting to realise that I am letting go of the judgement. Who would have thought, I, S**** S**** am very quickly becoming content with my own company? Is it possible to remove the anxiety that lies within me? This feeling of judging myself that causes me to feel anxious most of the time, combined with fear.

Fear has always been the root cause of my anxiety, like the event horizon of a black hole, there is always this enormous strength of fears unwillingly being dragged into the singular point that lies within. These fears live within the core of my mind with only the knowledge that they exist, unable to determine the source or substance of what they hold within. It is these deep emotional miss connections I must start dealing with.

The question I find myself asking today, is it possible to bend the fabric of time within one’s mind, travel back and prevent the fears from entering the very fibres of my brain. We are not born with these fears, yet they are one of the many different substances in which builds our charter, personality, and ideology of what we believe. Today’s questions leaves me wondering how it would be possible to perform such a task. Depression and Anxiety in their context are complicated enough for anyone to try and remove from one’s everyday processing, together, mission impossible.

I still wonder if it is possible to say goodbye to Anxiety in such a manner that it no longer exists. People do not do things because they do not enjoy it. They do it because it makes them feel good, they are not concerned with what other people are thinking of them. They are not sitting and waiting for things to change, they are not unhelpfully sitting and going over the same old rubbish making them sick to death. They are doing things because it makes them happy.

I am experiencing a feeling of contentment right now as I sit alone writing and people watching in Amsterdam. Although it has not been very many hours since landing. I am very quickly not fearing the scary thoughts that I have been hearing all my adult life. What is this feeling of being ok alone, not fearing the scary thoughts or fear? As I write I feel what it means to not think about anything else apart from my voice, quietly following and reading the text back as they in broadcast themselves onto the page.

Today I am learning to let go of the fear. The fear of self-judgment and from others. Learning fear should not hold the right to control the amazing time I can experience.

I was just approached by the waiter working in a small café, it can only be described as one of Amsterdam’s beauties, the tables are small but for what they lack in size they make up in amazing bright vibrant colours in Mosaic tiling.

His curiosity leads him to ask what I was writing, as we exchange words he begins to tell me his journey just a few weeks ago where he describes the overwhelming feeling of peace when he travelled alone and wrote his thoughts down. If the insides of me could have jumped out they would have, I am being noticed for the things I am interested in doing and enjoying without the constant feeling of self-judgement. I am no longer going to keep pretending I am happy. I need to understand myself and the things I need to leg off, somehow, I must find it within myself to face what fears I’ve ignored for long and that has caused me to come to this point in my life.

Sarkerink

[sarkerink]

Depression, Anxiety – The Thoughts, see me now!

Whoever reads this book will be touched in some shape or form. Why? Because I am you, The thoughts come directly from the depression and anxiety, but we are all human, Pain and fear, a universal timeless common factor that when shared brings us together. To utterly understand ourselves we must be willing to open our mind, allow yourself to look inside and explore and ask why?

For most of my adult life, I have been told I think too much, I have come to love this about me. I now know so much more than first could have been anticipated and all because I asked why.

If only three people in the world read this, I hope it is you, you, and you. The words that have never been said. A journey to a new self.... Full of truth, fear and emotion. Come and see the thoughts...