sanamohammed

[sanamohammed]

Consistency in a World of Uncertainty

Today, a friend confided in me about a significant challenge she is facing at work. Her tears were evidence of the confusion and pain it's causing her. Another friend spoke to me about her challenges in her search for a significant other, and the stress she’s feeling at the crossroads of her choices.

These instances made me reflect about how life is ever-changing. As much as we like to plan and prepare, we never know what’s coming our way. That’s when I thought about why prayer is so important.

It grounds you to focus on what really matters in the long-run. It reminds you to stay strong and have faith.  It helps ease the feeling of being alone in a world of challenges knowing God is always listening.

And, as a friend told me once, “If anything it gives some consistency in a world of uncertainty. We’re pretty lucky to have that.”

Jummah Mubarak everyone!

[sanamohammed]

Book Review: The Power of Habit

During Ramadan, I built two habits I had been striving for:

Instead of snacking - granted I couldn't eat even if I wanted to - I took a few breaks at work throughout the day to take 10-15 minute walks. I would also go on walks before iftaar. Even though I would be exhausted and hungry before my walk, I' would come back refreshed and energized.

I ate salads most days for iftaar - not for healthy or weight loss purposes -  but because I really wanted to eat a salad. I also almost completely stopped drinking soda. 

Soon after Ramadan ended, however, I fell back into my normal pattern of snacking at my desk, eating carbs/heavy food, and drinking soda. I picked up running 3-4 miles multiple times a week back up, but I stopped going on walks.

How did this happen? I struggled with how quickly my willpower fell short of expectations, and then, I stumbled upon this book - The Power of Habit - at Barnes and Noble.

I've read reviews raving about it for years, but never picked it up. I felt like making new habits was common sense. Stop doing what you're trying to give up. Replace it with what you are striving to do instead. But if that's the case, then why did I find it so hard to make better habits? When I finally did, why did I relapse so quickly back into my bad habits?  What was I doing wrong? 

When I picked up this book, I was immediately drawn in by the story of a women who quit smoking, lost 60 lbs and became a marathon runner.  I was fascinated by how scientists conducted brain scans and discovered how her neural activity as a whole changed after her habits changed - and the impact this brain activity has on we attempt to make new habits. The book follows this pattern throughout. It gives practical advice on reshaping an individual's or an organizations' habits based on real life stories backed by scientific research and psychology studies.

In addition to learning a new approach to changing habits, I've learned another important fact that I will always try to remember - once a habit is truly formed, it never really goes away. It can only be masked. This is a scary, and it's something I'm going to try to remember when I debate if I should grab a Caramel Machiatto on the way to my desk.

Overall, the Power of Habit was engaging and thought-provoking  (which my coworkers can attest to since I would sneak in reading breaks at work and constantly talk about what I learned) and is a must-read for anyone interested in understanding human behavior, societal/corporate patterns, and how to change their habits. Below are my notes from the book for anyone interested in a quick overview of the key facts that stood out to me. The book's anecdotes and psychological studies that explain these facts are what truly brings them to life, so do not use this as a substitute to reading the book. 

The Power of Habit

Disclaimer: All material below is attributed directly to Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit.

Prologue 

More than 40% of the actions people perform each day aren't actual decisions, but habits.

Part 1: The Habits of Individuals

Chapter 1: The Habit Loop

The brain layers closest to your scalp are the most recent additions from an evolutionary perspective and it's where your most complex thinking occurs.

Deeper inside the brain and closer to the brain stem - where the brain meets the spinal cord - are older, more primitive structures. They control automatic behaviors, such as breathing, swallowing, etc.

Toward the center of the skull is a golf ball sized lump of tissue that is similar to what you might find inside of a fish. This is the basal ganglia. 

Rat-maze-chocolate experiment indicated that the basal ganglia was central to recalling patterns and acting on them. Brain converts a sequence of actions into an automatic routine.

Habits emerge because the brain is constantly looking for ways to save effort, and turn a routine into habit.

The habit loop is cue, routine, reward.

When a habit emerges, the brain stops fully participating in decision making. 

Habits never really disappear. They are encoded into new structures of our brains.

People whose basal ganglia are damaged by injury or disease often become mentally paralyzed. They have trouble performing basic activities. 

Chapter 2: The Craving Brain, How to Create New Habits

Craving is what makes cues and rewards work. Craving is what powers the habit loop. 

Studies of people who have successfully started new exercise routines show they are more likely to stick with a workout plan if they chose a specific cue (running as soon as they get home) and a clear reward (beer with dinner).  But that's still not enough.

Monkey habit loop experiment: For those monkeys who hadn't developed a strong habit, the distractions worked. Once a monkey had developed a habit - once it's brain anticipated the reward - the distractions held no allure. . . The anticipation and sense of craving was so overwhelming tat the monkey stated glued to their screens, the same way a gambler will play slots long after he's lost his winnings.

This explains why habits are so powerful: Habits create neurological cravings. Most of the time, these cravings emerge so gradually that we're not really aware they exist, so we're often blind to their influence. But as we associate cues with certain rewards, a subconscious craving emerges in our brains that starts the habit loop spinning.

There is nothing programmed into our brains that makes us see a box of doughnuts and automatically want a sugary treat. But once our brain learns that a doughnut box contains yummy sugar and other carbs, it will start anticipating a sugar high. Our brains will push us toward the box. Then, if we don't eat the doughnut, we'll find disappointed.

 Cue and reward aren't enough. Only when your brain starts expecting the reward - craving it - will it turn into an automatic behavior 

Three rules: (1) Find a simple and obvious cue. (2) Clearly define the rewards. (3) Allow yourself to anticipate the reward. Create a craving. 

Chapter 3: The Golden Rule of Habit Change, Why Transformation Occurs

To change a habit, you must keep the old cue, deliver the old reward, and change the habit. 

Alcoholics only permanently changed once they learned new routines that drew on the old triggers and provided familiar relief. New ways for dealing with life. 

First step in habit reversal training is asking patients to describe what triggers their habitual behaviors.

The brain can be reprogrammed. You just have to be deliberate about it.

Change occurs among other people. It seems real when we can see it in other people's eyes. People must believe that change is feasible. Belief is easier when it occurs within a community.

Part 2: The Habits of Successful Organizations

Chapter 4: Keystone Habits, or the Ballad of Paul O Neill, Which Habits Matter Most

Some habits matter more than others. They help other habits flourish by creating new structures, and they establish cultures where change becomes contagious.

Examples: Alcoa, Michael Phelps, gay rights organizations

Small wins fuel transformative changes by leveraging tiny advantages into patterns that convince people that bigger achievements are within reach.

Chapter 5: Starbucks and The Habit of Success, When Willpower Becomes Automatic

Self-discipline has a bigger effect on academic performance than does intellectual talent.

Cookie vs radish experiment: Willpower isn't just a skill. it's a muscle, like the muscles in your arms or legs, and it gets tired as it works harder, so there's less power left over for other things.

Money management and exercising program: Once willpower became stronger, it touched everything. People get better at regulating their impulses. Once you've gotten into that willpower groove, your brain is practiced at helping you focus on a goal. 

This is how willpower becomes a habit: by choosing a certain behavior ahead of time and then following that routine when an inflection (temptation/pain ) arrives

If you tell people that they have what it takes to succeed, they'll prove you right.

Cookie, nice vs rude, puzzle experiment: When people are asked to do something that takes self-control, if they think they are doing it for personal reasons - if they feel like it's a choice or something they enjoy because it helps someone else - it's much less taxing. If they feel like they have no autonomy, if they are just following orders, their willpower muscles get tired much faster.

Chapter 6: The Power of a Crisis: How Leaders Create Habits Through Accident and Design

Good leaders seize crises to remake organizational habits.

Examples: Underground London Station fire, Rhode Island Hospital, NASA

Chapter 7: How Target Knows What You Want Before You Do, When Companies Predict (and Manipulate) Habits

Our brains crave familiarity in music. Radio listeners didn't want to make a conscious decision each time they were preset end with a new song. Their brains wanted to follow a habit. 

Examples: Hey Ya! and Song sandwiching. Organ meat campaign in 1940s

Whether selling a song, a new food, or a new crib, the lesson is the same: If you dress a new something in old habits, it's easier for the public to accept it.

Part 3: The Habits of Societies

Chapter 8: Saddleback Church and the Montgomery Bus Boycott: How Movements Happen

A movement starts because of the social habits of friendship and the strong ties between close acquaintances. 

It grows because of the habits of a community, and the weak ties that hold neighborhoods and clans together. Peer pressure!

It endures because a movement's leaders give participants new habits that create a fresh sense of identity and feeling of ownership.

Chapter 9: The Neurology of Free Will, Are We Responsible For Our Habits?

We were particularly interested in looking at the brain systems involved in habits and addictions. What we found was that, neurologically speaking, pathological gamblers got more excited about winning. When the symbols lined up, even though they didn't actually win any money, the areas in their brains related emotion and reward were much more active than non-pathological gamblers. But what was really interesting were the near misses. To pathological gamblers, near misses looked like wins. Their brains reacted almost the same way. But to a non-pathological gambler, a near misses was like a loss. People without a gambling problem were better at a recognizing that a near miss means you still lose. 

[sanamohammed]

“FEEL BETTER, OKAY. FEEL BETTER.”

There are moments in your life that remind you how grateful you are for everything around you – your health, your friends and your family. It’s easy to forget how integral these are to our lives, especially when it comes to family.

Sometimes I feel like we live in a society where being close to your family and making them a priority seems “lame” or just an extra, even unnecessary, “burden.” Families can be demanding and challenging in their own way. It’s so easy to think about your short-term desires and become selfish, but in reality, family is irreplaceable and should be treated as such. I was reminded of that yet again today when the roles at home reversed.

My sister and I have always looked after my brother and took care of him given his disability. Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed, and my brother was so concerned.

He wouldn’t leave the dentist office with my mom to bring the car to the front of the building until I was out as well. He thought she was leaving me behind.

When he first saw me, he kept asking me “what happened?” and telling me to “Talk! Talk!” because I couldn’t respond since my mouth was so swollen at first.

When he saw me laying on the couch holding an ice pack to my face with tears rolling down my cheeks (just until the pain killers kicked in ), he came up to me and said “theek ho ja ye ga” (translation: it’ll be okay).

After that, he didn’t argue with me when I turned on Netflix like he has been doing recently. He kept me company while I put on a chick flick for us to watch that definitely would not have been his choice.

Every hour, he’d look at me with so much concern and say “Feel better. Okay. Feel better.” I think he was trying to say that I will feel better.

People sometimes tell me that my brother is lucky to have sisters like me and my sister, but in reality, I’m lucky to have him. He’s taught me so much about responsibility, gratitude, compassion, and the true purpose of life. He keeps me grounded.

Alhumdulillah, I’m so grateful for to have him in my life, and I wanted to share this story in hopes that it helps some of you reflect on how blessed you are for having loved ones, family and friends, in your life.

[sanamohammed]

THE LOOK IN HIS EYES

ll never forget the look in his eyes.

We were walking down the street in Turkey around midnight and saw two little boys. From their features, they looked Syrian, like so many of the other homeless individuals we’d see sleeping on the street. The older boy could have hardly been five years old. He was learning against a light pole. The younger one was sleeping with his head in the older boys lap and a small, dirty blanket spread over him. He was so small. He looked like was two or three years old.

The boys had nothing around them. No other belongings in sight, except a small cup the older boy was clinging to as he slept.

The sight of them hurt. It hurt more than any of the other – and there were many – refugees we saw living on the streets. Unlike the others, they were completely alone.  No adults in sight.

No stores were open that late, but I had an unopened water bottle and some cash.  I asked everyone to wait for me as I walked up to them, the older one woke up. He looked at me with enormous brown eyes. He looked uncertain. I placed the water bottle next to him, crouched down to his eye level and asked, “Name?”

“Yousef,” he replied.

I was surprised he understood me, and tried again.  “Brother?” I asked pointing at the younger one sleeping, and he nodded his head.

“Parents?” I asked, and he shrugged.

I’m not sure what that meant – if he didn’t know where his parents are or if he didn’t know what I mean. All I knew was that I couldn’t sit there any longer. It hurt too much.

I gave him the cash I had and water and got up to walk away. He didn’t smile. He didn’t nod his head. He just looked at me. There was this look in his eye. A look of I couldn’t place.

I’ve never felt that bad walking away from someone. It’s always tough to see people forced to live on the street, but something about seeing the both of them and talking to him hurt more than I can articulate, and as I walked away, I kept turning back to look at them. Every time I looked back, he was still looking at me. Not asking for anything. Not holding out his hand. Just looking at me.

I was almost 10 feet away about to turn the corner, when I looked back at him again and he gave me a firm node, as if reassuring me. That’s when I realized the look in his eye was determination. He wasn’t telling me he wasn’t going to give up or give in. He was going to be okay. He was going to make sure his brother would be okay.

I don’t know what happened to him and his brother. I don’t know if they are still alive. All I know is that no child should have to go through this. If you’ve been reading the stories on Humans of New York, you know that everyone one of the stories are heart-breaking. It’s painful to read. It was painful to see even without the background story.

And it makes you wonder – why? Why are people around the world going through so many difficulties? We can’t just label these circumstances, or our own hardships, as a test by Allah (swt). It would be unfair – and maybe untrue – to do so.

I don’t know why some people face such difficult circumstances. I don’t know the plan Allah (swt) has for each individual, but what I do know is that the Quran says “God does not burden a soul more than it can bear,” and “He will give you [something] better than what was taken from you” (8:70). We just need to believe in Him.

It’s also important that we wonder what role we can play. How can we help?  The Quran warns us that “it is not the eyes that grow blind, but the hearts” (22:46).  We can’t let our hearts harden to the point where we don’t feel the suffering of others. We can’t keep ourselves so busy that we don’t make time for others because “whatever good you may give on others is for your own good. . . whatever good you may spend will be repaid unto you in full, and you shall not be wronged (2:272).”

And, it doesn’t have to be just donating money or volunteering. It can be as simple as giving up a little bit of time to make dua.

May Allah (swt) ease the suffering and the difficulties of all of the refugees and migrants who’ve been displaced by war and challenging times in their countries. May He help them find food, shelter and a better life for themselves and their families. May He grant them strength and patience in this time of need. May He warm the hearts of others across the world watching this tragedy unfold. May He inspire generosity within us and remind us that to Him we will return and to Him we will answer.

[sanamohammed]

Dreams for Tomorrow

"No . . . I don't like it." I said looking away from the long black and pink desi outfit my mom was holding up.

"Just try it on!" She replied pushing the outfit into my hands.

"But Mom. . ."

"Don't argue with me. Go try it on." She demanded and from the tone of her voice I knew I had no choice.  I begrudgingly made my way to the makeshift fitting room across the hall, which was actually the bedroom of the aunty's teenage son.  As I closed the door behind me, I noticed two white pages taped to the wall.  The first had a list of exercises: 100 lunges, 100 sit ups, and so on.  The second had a statement written in bold and all caps:  "Are the habits you have today on par with the dreams and goals you have for tomorrow?"

It was a simple question, but it caught me off guard because the timing could not have been better.  I had been spending a lot of time recently reflecting on the goals I wanted to achieve and how I would go about doing it.  It seemed like a bit overwhelming when I listed it out, especially considering I kept falling short of what I promised myself.  Somehow reading this simple question, however, provided me with a moment of clarity and reminded me that:  

Habits are the key to success.

We learn in different ways, but our mode of operation is by our habits.  It’s our default setting created by repetition.  Our daily actions form our habits.   Therefore, if we have a goal in mind such as becoming healthier, more well-read, more religious, more patient or anything else, we need to start small.  Start changing our daily routine to incorporate small steps towards our goal.  

Instead of trying to get through my ever-growing reading list by reading an hour each weekend and then getting disappointed when it’s Sunday night and I haven’t even touched my stack of library books, I should read 10 minutes every night before sleeping, and that’s exactly what I did.  I tested it out for myself.

Some nights I only read 10 minutes, and other nights I ended up spending 30 minutes reading.  It felt uncomfortable at first since I was so used to checking my email or watching Hulu before sleeping, but after a few days, I knew I made the right decision.  I woke up feeling better about myself and more content.  I made more progress on the non-fiction book I had been trying to get through in the past week than I had over the past month when I was spending few minutes to an hour of my night watching TV or surfing the internet instead of reading.  Plus, reading before bed was making me fall asleep earlier and get more rest in!

It was a simple change, but extremely effective in getting me towards my goal of reading more and finishing my list of books.  It’s important to remember, however, that habits aren’t easy to change. 

Imagine if you’re right-handed and someone asked you to write with your left hand.  It would feel strange and your handwriting would be terrible.  The first few times you’d feel frustrated and disappointed, but over the course of a few weeks, your handwriting would get considerably better and you’d feel more comfortable.   Your body responds the same way when you’re trying to formulate a new habit or get rid of a bad one.  It’s not easy.  You don’t always feel that great after the first few times, and you will mess up.  It takes time to see the benefits, but it’s worth the effort to change.

Moreover, you have to start small.  I didn’t plan to read for 30 minutes or an hour every night.  I promised myself 10 minutes.  Sometimes, it happened to be for longer, but if not, I was still sticking to my plan.  Don’t try going from 0 to 60 overnight.  If you try to change all of your bad habits in one day, you’re likeliness to slip up and fall short of your expectations increases considerably.  Don’t make it harder than it has to be.  Take it one habit at a time and one small step a time, so be patient.  Slow progress is still progress after all. 

Lastly, it’s easy to fall back into bad habits.  We need reminders around us to force us to reflect on our choices and keep us on the right path.  I wrote this question on a post-it and put it on my desk to actively remind myself to  think before going about my normal routine, reflect on the little things I do that may be hindering me and preventing me from reaching my goals, and make better decisions.

The power of habits is incredible.   It’s about time we embrace this power to better ourselves and our future. 

[sanamohammed]

Career Tip: Take time to reflect and be honest with yourself.

A few days ago, I had lunch with one of the managers on the leadership team at work, who heads up a pretty large group.  We were talking about the key lessons she’s learned throughout her career, and she mentioned that she always advises individuals early in their career to “take time away from the ‘busy-ness’ of life and cell phones and Facebook and have those tough and honest conversations with yourself about what inspires you, what drives you, what motivates you. Staying true to yourself, being genuine and authentic, is incredibly important because life will throw twists and curves at us all the time.  The more you can stay true to yourself, the more empowered, equipped and self-confident you will be to navigate your way forward.  And that will go a long way to helping you achieve your goals.”

It’s often easy to take the simple route that’s been laid out to us by others – the step-by-step formula to become a doctor, lawyer, or CPA.  It’s not that these paths are easy.  On the contrary, they are very difficult and challenging, but they are certain – as in you know what you are getting into.  You know almost exactly what you need to do achieve these goals since there are so many others who have paved the way.  Moreover, you know what the end result will be.  You have a destination in mind and a path to follow.  In that sense, in spite of the challenges in your way, choosing these career paths without truly taking the time to evaluate what you like to do, what you want out of life and the career you want for yourself can often be a cop out. 

It takes time, a lot of experimenting and self-reflection to understand what motivates and inspires you on a regular basis.  When you finally have this answer, it’s scary to choosing an alternative career path or just realize that you don’t have definitive and concrete end goal because for a lot of people in the business world, this answer changes over time.  Our paths are not a straight road. Our lives are full of pit-stops, u-turns, and winding roads taking us in directions we never planned, but if you know what drives you and resonates with you, none of this will matter much because you’ll have the confidence to go forward, full-speed ahead.

So make it a habit to reflect once a week or every month on the things you’ve accomplished. Determine what achievements or actions brought you the most joy, made you feel proud or made you innately want to keep going even if you weren’t being compensated.  Keep this up and you’ll find a pattern, one that if you embrace will make sure you thrive. 

[sanamohammed]

Pantene Philippines surveyed 300 adults from different socioeconomic backgrounds in October of this year and discovered that . . . •54% of women in the survey believed working women tend to be “pushy” •70% of survey respondents believed men deserved employment more than women •65% of respondents said that it's more important for men to finish a university education •70% of men thought women needed to downplay their personalities to be accepted... In response to these findings, Pantene Philippines launched an ad campaign that included the following commercial, which with is pretty amazing. While the survey doesn't reflect the US population, I'm sure a lot of us can agree with the labels presented by the commercial. Also, this isn't a male-bashing post. I think women are just as guilty (if not more guilty) when it comes judging and criticizing other women. The reason I'm sharing it is because I truly believe in the message: Don't let labels hold you back. You CANNOT let the fear of what others think of you prevent you from reaching your full potential.

[sanamohammed]

Wise Advice

Today at our Muppies Houston Winter Lunch, we hosted two Houston-based partners of McKinsey & Company, who said a few words about their career paths and answered questions from the other Muslim professionals in attendance. They offered some wise advice that I wanted to remember, so I thought I’d share it here.

(1)   Have a mission statement.

What interests you?  What are you passionate about?  What’s your vision for your future? Be able to say “I want to make a difference in _______________.”  Your goal can be as broad or as specific as you want but identifying a purpose is important and how you achieve this greater objective WILL change.  Life is full of ups and downs.  You may have four different jobs within the span of 10 years.  You may move to different cities.  Your priorities may change when you settle down and have a family and that’s when having a sense of direction will keep you on the right track and ensure you don’t lose sight of the bigger picture.  Moreover, it’ll help people understand who you are and what you want to do.

(2)   Following your passion isn’t the only path to success.

This seems to completely contradict the above piece of advice, but it’s the reality many people face.  Not all of us have a singular passion that drives us to wake up in the morning and keep going. There are some people who’ve always known they want to be a doctor, lawyer, guidance counselor, teacher, etc.  There are others who have no idea what they want to be when they “grow up” and even when they are well into their career, they still don’t exactly know.  This can work to your advantage if you’re open-minded and well-prepared to take risks and seize opportunities when they arise.  Focus on your continued growth and development, and don’t worry so much about not knowing the end goal.  Enjoy the journey of learning.

(3)   Articulate your value proposition.

The most successful people are those who can clearly convey the added-value they brought or will bring to an assignment, engagement, or project. You know your skills and capabilities better than anyone else.  It’s time you own your career and promote yourself.  The key is learning when and how to do this in appropriate manner without coming across as overconfident and arrogant. 

[sanamohammed]

“To grow, you must be willing to let your present and future be totally unlike your past. Your history is not your destiny.”

Alan Cohen

[sanamohammed]

Facing your fears.

Cultivate the habit of facing your fears .  . . especially the small ones:

The anxiety you get when you’re in a social setting with a large group of people and you don’t really know anyone.

The awkwardness you feel when you’re at a professional networking event and you feel like you have no idea how to move beyond the basic small talk that bores most people and create a comfortable and genuinely enjoyable conversation.

The uncertainty you feel about truly speaking your mind in front of your peers, your colleagues, your classmates, or your boss.

The nervousness you have before opening up to others about personal parts of your life and things about yourself that you don’t tell many people.

The confusion you feel before launching into a big project, paper or assignment at work or in school.

And so on.

Even if you don’t realize it, each of these doubts is based in fear.  The fear of rejection.  The fear of failing.  The fear of looking stupid.  The fear of being laughed at.  The fear of messing up.   

Naturally, in response to an adverse situation, your head may be telling you to run, avoid, or deflect, but the only way to get rid of your fears is to face them head on.  It will make you uncomfortable, but soon, you’ll become comfortable with the feeling of being uncomfortable, and you’ll realize that you shouldn’t “be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

[sanamohammed]

87 People

Black Friday Shopping Death Count -- 5 deaths, and 82 people injured That's 87 people who just yesterday were alive and well, celebrating Thanksgiving with their family and friends, grateful for their health and their life. That's 87 people whose pain, and in some cases death, was caused by the greed, selfishness and just plain disregard of their peers, their fellow shoppers. Hearing about these deaths and injuries today because of Black Friday shopping makes me really upset, but we can't put all of the blame on the corporations involved. While companies are responsible for the massive sales and for allowing their doors to open at 12 am, 3 am or 6 am, it's the shoppers who are the ones shooting each other over parking spots, injuring each other in a fight to save 30 bucks on an electronic item, and trampling people to death just to get into a store. How can people can become so consumed by their own immediate needs that they ignore the well being of those around them? How can we let consumerism and greed destroy our humanity?  It's disturbing, and I don't know what the answer is to this Black Friday devastation, whose innocent victims do not deserve to suffer, but I hope and pray for those who are injured to recover fully and for the families of those who passed away to stay strong in this time of hardship.

[sanamohammed]

Choices by Anjabeen Ashraf

"I was born to be a doctor, or so I was told. Many years later, doctor I will be, though not of the medical profession. This particular journey has taken longer than the one expected of me, leading to the need for me to make some choices.

Being a medical doctor, you see, is just the right amount of time for a girl to spend on her education. You work hard, learn, achieve and then it is over and you can get started on your “real life”. Pursuing a PhD, however, is a longer and more nebulous path that required, for me, space to focus, which meant not getting married according to a societal deadline. The road to get here has been tough. I have made choices while navigating a system that works against me.

One day, I realized that rather than navigating the system, I should be tearing it down.

“Good” Muslim girls are smart. They pursue their education. They collect degrees, certificates of accomplishment and awards like dust collects on that treadmill in your “office”. Their parents sing their praises from the rooftops for all to hear. Eventually though, they come down from the rooftop  and present us with a choice: career or marriage.

“Wait, what about a third option?” you ask. One in which you follow your passion and then get married? An option where there isn’t a forced choice?

“But beta, putting off marriage to pursue your professional calling is a risk.”

You see, as Mezba pointed out in How I Met My Son’s Mother, women within the arranged marriage system can expect to be presented with men 4-8 years older than themselves. The older the woman, the larger the age gap becomes.

Well-intentioned mothers and aunties urge their amazing daughters to get married before the age of 25 in order to avoid a dwindling pool of potential mates. They say: “Want a 25-year-old husband? Start looking when you’re 21.”

But what parents and Muslim communities rarely discuss is how the system is broken. Rather than focusing on learning how to play the game, why aren’t we talking about how the system is stupid, oppressive and un-Islamic?

I’ve had long, heated debates with South Asian elders regarding this system, which distills a woman’s worth down to her age. Every single time, using logic, empathy and Islamic principles, every single person admits it is wrong. A woman is more than her age, they agree. Yet the very next sentence out of their mouths is, “Well, that’s just the way it is. That’s why you should get married young.” This resignation is part of the problem.

We created the system. We are the system. If it’s broken, then let’s fix it.

How do we fix it? We begin by fixing ourselves. We let go of the myths of how younger wives are better because they’re more malleable/fertile/beautiful/{insert arbitrary qualifier here}. We honor the wisdom that comes with age. We let go of our fear that being with an intelligent, accomplished woman will expose our weaknesses. We use her fierceness to light our own life on fire and accomplish the things we are afraid of pursuing.

Most of all, we don’t force this choice on her.  How many Nobel Prize-winning, cancer-curing, legislation-passing and novel-writing women are we missing out on because of this false choice? That a woman has to choose between companionship and an opportunity to change the world is ridiculous. That she must live her life based on a social and {debatable} biological clock, thus diminishing her potential, is ridiculous.

As an Ummah, we are only as strong as our members. Strong women who make the choice to delay marriage to pursue their calling make us collectively stronger. Their courage is outstanding. The least we can do is support them, learn from them and find courage within ourselves. For parents, this means being courageous and encouraging your daughters to pursue their dreams, though you may be afraid. For men, this means appreciating that your partner may not ‘need’ you the way you have been taught a woman should need you. For all of us, this means raising the next generation to see beyond our own fears and connect with others as humans rather than objects we evaluate based on arbitrary criteria.

For the women who are subject to this system, I want you all to know that it is not your fault. Nor are you responsible for changing the system single-handedly. When systems are broken, it is not the marginalized group’s responsibility to change it. That onus lies with those in power. What we women can do, however, is make choices that speak to our soul and faith. You are not alone in this struggle. There is solidarity to be found throughout the Ummah. For every auntie or potential suitor who is threatened by your fierceness or subjects you to an evaluation as if you are a piece of meat, know that there are aunties, men and fellow sisters who celebrate your power, intelligence and courage. You are more than a number or a set of (often-contradictory) desirable characteristics.

Courage. That’s where change begins. The courage to say that this is wrong. The courage to challenge the status quo rather than stand silent.  The courage to admit our insecurities. Courage is a choice. We should be focusing on that choice rather than marriage vs. profession.

I personally had to make that choice, and I chose to focus on building a career that I am passionate about, knowing the work I do has a direct impact on my Muslim sisters and brothers. I made my choice having faith that my journey, while challenging, is worth it because I know my own worth, and it transcends anything that an auntie can put on a biodata. And though I’ve shed others’ expectations of me, I haven’t given up on the potential of having a partnership someday.

My heart hurts when I think of the women who made the choice differently – whether through external coercion or an internalized system that tells them they have no choice – and the energy and talent we as an Ummah have lost because of it.

The choices we each make, day to day, to either challenge or perpetuate this system count."

Amazing post from Love, Inshallah.  Spot on.

[sanamohammed]

“While 1.6 million people in Mumbai enjoy their lunch today, 200,000 children on the streets will go hungry and 2 will starve to death." This is such an aweseome initiative that helps solve two problems at once! It prevents the wastage of food and helps feed hungry children living on the street. It's absolutely amazing how creativity, problem solving and empathy on a grassroots level can get others in need in a relatively self-sustaining and self-reliant way.

[sanamohammed]

The Clarity of Confidence

"I'm really nervous so I just want to apologize in advance for any mistakes or slip ups," I stated anxiously before launching into my presentation.  It was my freshman year of college, and my assignment was to craft an argument answering a prompt related to a text we were reading in the class at the time. After conveying my opinion to the class, the floor would be open to my classmates to push back and offer differing perspectives, thereby facilitating a healthy discussion.

The problem was that I had a deep rooted fear of openly expressing my opinion, and I was extremely uncertain about my ability to convey my points effectively.  I figured apologizing in advance reduced other's expectations of me and somewhat protected me from the disappointment of not doing well because I had already accepted and conveyed that this was a likely possibility.

After class was over that day,  I was about to leave with an overwhelming feeling of relief that I would not have to present again for the rest of the semester when my professor stopped me and asked me to stay back a few minutes.  Once the room was empty, she looked at me and said, "You made a mistake during your presentation today."

Disappointed, I stared back at her thinking she was going to tell me that I completely misunderstood the book and failed the assignment.  Before I could reply, she continued, “You undermined yourself by starting off with an apology. You were great up there.  You didn't mess up like you said you would. You effectively presented your argument and addressed the rebuttals put forth by your classmates.  Actually, during your entire presentation, you came across as confident.  You did a great job EXCEPT you undercut yourself by voicing your uncertainty at the very beginning even before giving yourself a chance.  You made it clear that you didn’t believe in yourself even though you obviously had the ability to do well. Next time, don’t voice your doubt – even to yourself.”

During moments when I'm consumed by self-doubt and plagued by my insecurities, I remind myself of the lesson my professor taught me that day:

Don't cloud your mind with doubt and fear.  Push it aside, and forget about it.  It's only in these moments of clarity that you'll be able to live up to your full potential.  Learn to believe in yourself.  You are capable of more than you realize.

This was originally posted by me on Layali Webzine, an online-only lifestyle magazine geared towards young Muslim American women. 

[sanamohammed]

One Minute

By Sana Mohammed

One minute, I’m sprinting down the sidewalk feeling strong and steady and the next, I'm on the ground grasping my ankle trying to stop myself from screaming from the searing pain.   I started reciting every surah that came to my mind in an effort to calm myself down and prayed to Allah (swt), Please give me strength and patience.

Feeling a sense of peace take over, I slowly shifted my body, laid my feet out in front of me and sat still, careful not to aggravate my injury further.   As the pain started to subside, a rush of thoughts came flooding into my mind, Should I go to work?  Should I go to the doctor?  How bad is it? Will I be able to walk home? When can I run again?

The anxiety was overwhelming, but I knew I couldn’t sit on the sidewalk all morning, so I did the first thing that came to my mind.  I called home.

 ~*~

"It looks like there are no broken bones," the doctor said with a smile as she put the x-ray back into my file, "but it's not a mild sprain.  You'll have to be on crutches for probably two weeks until your next appointment, and then I'll decide what to do next." 

She wore a long maroon dress with black dress pants underneath and a matching black hijab.  It was my first time visiting her and I already liked her.   She didn't seem like the doctors that rush from one patient to the next, barely giving you the time of day even though you’re paying for their attention.  She had sincerity about her that I appreciated.

"So . . . I probably won't be running again anytime soon?"

She stopped fumbling with the box for the brace that she was trying to open and gave me a look of utter disbelief. "No.  Definitely not.  It'll be at least a month or six weeks. Are you training for something?"

"Well, not really.  I have a half marathon early next year, but I guess I have plenty of time for that."

"Oh.  Well then, you're fine.  Stay off your feet for a while and even when you start walking, don't try running for at least four weeks," she replied casually and began showing me how to put the brace on.

But I couldn't seem to pay attention.  The weather was just starting to get cold, and all I could of was not being able to run - not being able to feel the cool wind, not being able to experience the simultaneous feeling of soreness and strength in your body after a run, and not having an outlet to turn to as a productive means of channeling my emotions.  What was I going to do?

I pushed the thoughts out of my mind and decided to focus on the present instead.  "I'm sorry.”  I said, “Can you show me that again?"

 ~*~

Later that day, as I sat on my staircase struggling to make my way upstairs, I couldn't help but question the purpose of my injury.  I knew I should focus on gratitude, but a tiny voice in my head kept saying, Why me, Allah? Why couldn’t this have been just like any other morning?  Why did I have to get injured?

It sounds dramatic for an injury many people dismiss as minor, but anything that limits your mobility is not something to be taken lightly.  Every time this thought came into my mind, I mentally took a step back and reminded myself that sometimes the lessons we learn in life are not immediate. 

As humans, we always try to rationalize the events in our life and use logic to understand why and how things happen to us.  Sometimes we need to learn to let go and have faith.  We need to put our trust in a greater power and accept that Allah (swt) knows best.  Only then will we begin realize that “whosoever puts his trust in Allah, He will suffice him.” [Sūrah al-Talāq: 3]  

Alhumdulillah, as my ankle has been slowly recovering these past few weeks, I was reminded of this important lesson as well as a few others:

1. Attitude is everything.

From the moment I was injured, I knew there were two ways to look at this situation.  I could mope and whine all day, expressing my anger and frustration at every challenge I faced, but where would that get me? Instead, I could accept the past and focus on the positive.  I could save my energy to look for solutions to the problems I was going to face and think positively about my situation.

Prolonged anger, frustration, and sadness are wasted emotions.  They imprison you in a state of misery and negativity.  Healing my sprained ankle was not going to be just a physical challenge, but a mental one as well, forcing me to practice an important skill – learning which thoughts to dismiss and which ones to embrace wholeheartedly.  Every time I felt the pain in my arms from the crutches or the pure exhaustion of trying to get around my office building, I forced myself to smile and reminded myself that “Alhumdulliah, it could be worse.”  This simple action of repeatedly focusing on gratitude provides more long-lasting relief than any medicine or painkiller you can find, truly proving that “you can often change your circumstances by changing your attitude” (Eleanor Roosevelt).

2.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. 

It's been years since I actually needed someone, as in I was genuinely dependent upon someone else to get through my day.  Unfortunately, while on crutches, I was often at the mercy of those around me, and this was a difficult pill for me to swallow.  I always wanted to do things for myself, and soon I realized that even if I came up with creative solutions to do things for myself, it often added up to be physically exhausting at a time when I was supposed to be resting my ankle as much as possible.  The increased movement exacerbated my injury and caused more swelling and inflammation than if I had just taken it easy and asked someone to help me. 

It takes courage to admit that you need help, and it’s a wonderful feeling to realize how many people are willing to go out of their way to help you – if you just let them.

3.  Cherish your family.

If you live at home, you know all too well that parents can be demanding, overprotective, difficult to reason with, and so on, but they love you.  When push comes to shove and it's time for people to make sacrifices, they will be there for you.  They will be the ones bringing you water from downstairs because you can't carry it yourself, making lunch for you, and going to the pharmacy to get your medicine. They will have your back.  

Of course, they also have their own commitments and responsibilities.  Their life doesn't revolve around you.  They won't be there at your every beck and call, but they will be there when you need them most.   Family is a blessing – appreciate them for all they can give and learn to be happy with that. 

4.  Always be grateful.

Growing up, I never broke a bone in my body.  I never had to rely on crutches to get around.  Mostly, I never realized how much I took for granted having two fully functioning legs.  Basic everyday tasks such as carrying a simple glass of water or taking out my lunch and heating it up became a struggle. Going grocery shopping and cleaning my room was a challenge.  I had to find solutions for these routine tasks that I had never before given a second thought.

Losing the functionality of one leg made me realize how easy I've had it and how lucky I am to not have any permanent damage.  Not everyone is blessed with the gift of a healthy body, a loving family, and a comfortable home to rest in – all gifts that can be taken from us at any moment.  Moreover, not everyone is blessed with an experience that teaches this lesson to them.

We should strive to remember our blessings from Him every day – even the ones we don’t recognize as blessings immediately – and work to sustain a level of gratitude and humility within ourselves that’s not fleeting, but permanent and resilient.

“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (2:217)

This piece was originally published on ComingofFaith.com, a compilation of coming of age and faith stories by Muslim women in college and young professionals

[sanamohammed]

Alhumdulillah, it could have been worse.

Two weeks ago, I sprained my ankle pretty badly, and I've been wobbling on crutches ever since. It's been a challenging few weeks, but I've been doing my best to stay positive. I've been reminding myself that I'm lucky because Alhumdulillah it could have been worse, and today was the ultimate example of that. After work, I went to the doctor for a follow up and heard the disappointing news that I'll be on crutches for at least another few days. My elbows were sore and hurting. My ankle was slightly throbbing from the pain of being on it all day, but I took it with a smile and consoled myself that whats another few days after two weeks. I'll be walking with just my brace/boot pretty soon and back to running sometime in December. Alhumdulillah, it could have been worse. After my appointment, I got in my car and started driving home. On the way, the car in front of me suddenly slammed on their brakes. I was able to stop in time, but the person behind me wasn't so lucky. He slammed right into me, damaging my back bumper and ruining his own front bumper. We pulled over to the parking lot on the side and waited for the police. At first I began to panic, but then I reminded myself that it's okay. It's a minor accident. Alhumdulillah, it could have been worse. When the cop comes, I stumble out of my car trying to manage my crutches and not trip over the curb. After giving him my license and insurance information, I went to get back into my car and realized that I locked myself out! My keys were laying there in plain view on my front seat. I was absolutely floored. How could I be so dumb?! A rush of anger and disappointment surged through me, but before I could let myself indulge in self pity, I thought about everything else that could have happened: I could have hit someone. I could have been injured. The person who hit me could have been injured, or he could have driven away. The damage could have been worse. In spite of everything that went wrong today and all of the seemingly unfortunate events, I knew that I had to stay positive and remember that Alhumdulillah it could have been worse. It's easy to write a Facebook status saying "Look on the bright side! Stay positive. Be grateful." It's much more difficult to do this consistently in real life in the face of one challenge after another. But that's just it. It's difficult, but not impossible. It just takes practice, and I'm so grateful for these past few weeks (especially today) because while they have been stressful and challenging, they have been great practice at staying optimistic, Alhumdulillah. The key is to simply never forget that "you can often change your circumstances by changing your attitude" (Eleanor Roosevelt).

[sanamohammed]

“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson