sammyisqueer

[sammyisqueer]

today I'm paying for a cool spring breeze with moths clinging to my curtains and lizards exploring my floors. The curtains are billowing and I'm opening a fresh tin of hot cocoa mix. Soon the grass will be long enough to let the goats roam freely again. It's going to be such an exciting spring.

[sammyisqueer]

If you can't beat em, drink more in the span of 7 days than you have in your entire life put together

[sammyisqueer]

I survived day 1 after some rough feverish hours, but I really don't know if I can keep this up. How do I live with the man who helped vote my rights away? Do we separate? Do we try to move on? I can't imagine doing either one... I wish it never happened at all

[sammyisqueer]

God my head feels like a melon. My eyes are popping out of my skull nnnnghnnkmmmmm

[sammyisqueer]

Not to be scary or anything, but there's something really grounding about pain. Pulls you back from the panic and fury. And I'm not majorly hurt-i drank some very strong whiskey and burned my mouth- but it pulls me from the despair to feel the burn on my lips

[sammyisqueer]

Literally tying the knot and God gives me a rainbow could you fucking believe it???? The balls on this guy

[sammyisqueer]

No joke I think God just chose me and frankly I'm pissed off about it

[sammyisqueer]

[sammyisqueer]

[sammyisqueer]

Nothing feels sufficient to drown out this hopelessness. Food has no taste, music sounds like white noise, each breath is just another chore. Company feels suffocating. I just want to fade into the nothingness waiting for me

[sammyisqueer]

You know what they don't tell you about relapsing is how it feels like greeting an old friend. It's like tracing the outline of your favorite shape. Like coming home after a long day. It's so warm and oh so inviting

[sammyisqueer]

My partner is shocked, *Shocked* I say, to discover that I'm not in a great mood today and that I don't want to talk to him because he helped vote in a man actively trying to force breed and murder me

[sammyisqueer]

"you're so stressed all the time" "it's not that deep chill out" "why are you always so anxious"

Life feels like a group project where I'm the only one who cares about our grade and the deadline is tomorrow. If you even pretended to care, my stress would drop so significantly

[sammyisqueer]

You know, self harm isn't always a depressed teen in all black with sharp objects.

Sometimes it's not eating regularly, or not looking both ways when you cross the road. It can be shutting yourself in away from others or not going to the doctor when you can afford it. Self harm can manifest in many different ways that are not always visible.

And then other times its resisting the violent urge to drop a pair of scissors into your legs as a full grown adult so maybe it doesn't get that much better

[sammyisqueer]

you’ve heard of the mortifying ordeal of being known, now get ready for the

[sammyisqueer]

[sammyisqueer]

How many benadrylls can I take before I start owing the hatman money? Is it like, a fae trap where if he offers me his hat or umbrella or jacket I owe him? I've never seen the hat man but I'm really bad at money management so