sammichbreadalmighty - Tumblr blog

[sammichbreadalmighty]

Woah really?!???!! I would’ve thought that it would’ve been completely unslippery when wet. Thanks signs.

[sammichbreadalmighty]

I think I just figured out how to solve the current political crisis in America…

And hear me out now…

a mop.

Think about it.

Ever since that debate, a lot of people have been thinking “I’ll take anyone but these two guys”, but the problem is that they are the only two real candidates, no one else has enough backing to actually have a realistic chance. So I present to you,

a mop.

Biden and Trump have only ever done harm or just done nothing at all when they were president, so why not vote for someone who literally can’t do anything.

a mop.

Like, they can’t do harm the country if they’re literally not doing anything. Right?

a mop.

Considering that right wingers will almost definitely vote for Trump no matter what shit he pulls or does, and considering that leftists don’t really want to vote for Biden (they only really ever voted for Biden because he wasn’t Trump), we need someone for leftists to rally behind.

a mop.

If we vote all unorganised, all voting for whatever name we find the coolest that isn’t Trump or Biden, we have no chance at getting any of our candidates into office. But, if we all come together and support a goddamn mop, maybe, just maybe, we have a chance.

Why a mop, you may be asking?

Well, a mop is quite appealing you see. Everyone has a mop. No one hates mops with a passion (except my aunt Susan). And mops can be quite useful in a wide range of scenarios. If you’re trying to figure out who you want to vote for, why the hell not just go with the mop? Plus, it makes for a good tagline (probably something along the lines of “mopping the floor with the other candidates”).

So vote mop 2024!!!!!

[sammichbreadalmighty]

Chivalry is dead and I killed it by luring it into a back alley and shooting it on its way home from its job as a Walmart greeter.

[sammichbreadalmighty]

[sammichbreadalmighty]

Guys is this an acceptable amount of unchecked notifications

[sammichbreadalmighty]

I just dreamt that I earned $3000 so i immediately started a business of cutting peoples limbs off and selling them on the black market, until randomly i blacked out and envisioned a restaurant menu with a recommendation from a toad from Mario on the cover. Then I un-blacked-out and woke to see myself fighting a giant squid in the ocean with my brother (which I don’t actually have irl).

wtf

[sammichbreadalmighty]

Aren’t we all?

[sammichbreadalmighty]

I had a dream last night where I was doing an obstacle course with a bunch of people from my school and after doing it once we looped back and did it again and when I got to this zip line obstacle the people who owned the course gave me a subway sandwich all wrapped up and everything. Then they said that I should come to the subway that was inside the obstacle course to order some more food that they would cover. So now I have to come and do this zip line but with a subway sandwich in my hand. Eventually I decide to run up ahead to where people go after they’re done with the course (and also where the actual subway is) on foot and put down my sandwich, then go back and do the zip line. But when I get back to the zip line, the room is empty, and they’ve disassembled the zip line because no one was using it I guess. So I come back to the little subway to order the food they said they’d pay for. Then they give me the menu, which is a bunch of meme templates, copypastas, and general gibberish, printed on four glass triangles. I take these triangles to a side room which for some reason has a bed. I lie down on the bed and look out the window to see my parents car, with them inside, parked outside the obstacle course. I didn’t think much of it though. Eventually I realise the menu doesn’t have any food on it except for a couple options. So I go and ask the people running it why there isn’t food on the menu and they said that when subway branched to this obstacle course, they got so tired of selling just starfaits (yes, the Undertale food) so they expanded to everything else. But because you’re not supposed to read the menu on the subway website, they didn’t make the actual menu make sense. And then the dream abruptly ended. I don’t expect this to get much traction but honestly I just need to get in out there.

[sammichbreadalmighty]

Whenever I go to reblog something, I always feel so guilty to the point that I just don’t do it. Like I feel like I’m stealing it. It’s already on this other persons blog why does it need to be on mine? Like unless I have anything super substantial of my own to add I just feel like I’m selfish.

But then when someone else reblogs any of my posts I’m like “yay I’m winning at tumblr wahoo”.

[sammichbreadalmighty]

Oh my Jesus Christ, how fucking hard does it need to be to stretch an image on a goddamn iPhone. All I wanted to do was stretch a goddamn picture so that it had that funny overstretched effect so I could add it to a meme I was making. And if I was doing this shit on a computer or something, I could have just copy and pasted it into Ms paint or whatever the hell, stretched it, then copy and pasted it back out into where I wanted it. Hell I’m pretty sure you can stretch images from just the photos app if you’re on windows. BUT NOT FUCKING APPLE. NOOOOO OF COURSE FUCKING NOT!!!!!! THAT WOULD BE STUPID!!!! THAT WOULD BE SIMPLY FUCKING PREPOSTEROUS!!!!!!!! My first thought was to try and adjust the aspect ratio to something slimmer, BUUUUUUUT it doesn’t stretch to fit like it would in any other goddamn software it just crops it and fucking zooms in. So I look this shit up and it basically says I need a third party app. WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED A THIRD PARTY APP FOR SUCH A BASIC GODDAMN FEATURE THATS BUILT IN TO SO MANY OTHER GODDAMN OPERATING SOFTWARES YOU PIECE OF SHIT APPLE. And now, I’m not gonna go into why I can’t really download other apps, because tumblr doesn’t need to know my living situation, but let me just say, I can’t. Not at the moment at least. But whether or not I can or can’t download other apps is mostly irrelevant to this because it is such a fucking basic and fundamental feature like Jesus Christ. So like I’ve been trying to find a pre-installed app that lets me do those things that could have been done in literally five goddamn seconds had I had access to a computer of any fucking type. I go into the notes app, keynote, even fucking pages. WHO THE FUCK HAS EVER USED PAGES IN THEIR LIFE?!?!?!?!?????? And like I was so excited when I saw in the pages app that no one has ever used in their goddamn life, that there appeared around the image 4 circles that were in the middle of the top edge of the image, bottom edge, left edge, and right edge. Because in any CIVILISED EDITING SOFTWARE those are used to squish and stretch the image. But NOOOO. This is apple we’re talking about. This is the fucking Wild West motherfuckers. It wasn’t used to stretch or squash the image, it was used to FUCKING CROP THE DAMN THING. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE AT APPLE??!???!?!????!???? Like I still can’t believe that they don’t have this feature fucking built in?!?!??! Like JUST LET ME STRETCH THE FUNNY IMAGE OF SUSIE DELTARUNE SO SHE LOOKS FUNNY WHEN I EDIT HER INTO AN IMAGE YOU STUPID PEICE OF SHIT. WHOEVER DESIGNED THIS SHIT TO WHERE YOU NEED TO DOWNLOAD A THIRD PARTY APP TO STRETCH A FUCKING IMAGE, I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL. I HOPE YOU GET UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HUNGRY AS FUCK WITH NO WAY OF FEEDING YOUR HUNGER. AND AS YOU WALK THEOUGH YOUR HOUSE LOOKING FOR FOOD YOU STEP ON LEGOS, MAKING YOU STUMBLE FORWARD AND STUB YOUR GODDAMN TOES. I WISH THAT THE ONLY FOOD IN THE HOUSE IS EXPIRED. I WISH THAT YOU ARE SO HUNGRY THAT YOU CAVE INTO EATING THE EXPIRED FOOD AND THAT IT GIVES YOU FOOD POISONING FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. THATS WHAT I FUCKING WISH HAPPENS TO YOU EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS EVEN MORE FUCKING STUPID THAN THE IPAD NOT HAVING A FUCKONG CALCULATOR APP. FUCK YOU.

[sammichbreadalmighty]

I love when shows/books/movies have a villain redemption arc which wasn’t originally planned since the start so now we just have a guy called Murder McKillsalot helping the protagonists

[sammichbreadalmighty]

Why is it that when you get high, you’re “stoned” despite the fact that you got high from plants?

[sammichbreadalmighty]

I stare into the void and the void stares back, and I’m like “dude what the hell it’s not nice to stare” and the voids like “well you were doing it first I thought it was a mutual staring” and I’m like “no it wasn’t” and the voids like “then why were you staring at me” and I’m like “dude mind your own business” and the void is like “what do you mean? This is entirely my business considering you are staring at me” and I’m like “shut up void go do some voiding or whatever voids do” and the voids like “ok dude you’re being a bit of an asshole right now” and I’m like “and? what are you gonna do about it?” and the void is like “yup that’s it, we’re done” and I’m like “we’re done? we were never a thing to begin with” and the void is like “dude we are literally married. we have kids.” and I’m like “yeah! exactly! we’re married! I could have just been staring at you to admire your beauty! that’s something normal married couples do!” and the void is like “okay, first, way to change the subject, we were just talking about a divorce and you want to make this about the goddamn staring again, and second of all, what beauty? I’m a fucking void! I’m the absence of stuff! There is nothing to stare at! actually, y’know what? lemme ask you this. what is you favourite physical feature on me?” and I’m like “would it be objectifying to say your boobs?” and the void is like “what boobs? what FUCKING BOOBS?!?!?!? I AM A FUCKING VOID YOU PEICE OF SHIT” and I’m like “aww babe don’t say that about yourself. you have wonderful boobs. just because they’re not as large as some others doesn’t mean that they’re not there! and besides, I’ve always been more of an ass guy anyways.” and the void is like “they’re not small, they are literally NONEXISTENT. and also, if you are supposedly an ‘ass guy’ then you’re gonna be very disappointed when you find out that I LITERALLY DONT HAVE AN ASS because y’know IM A FUCKING VOID” and I’m like “if you don’t have an ass, then who’s cheeks did I clap when we conceived the kids?” and the void is like “I don’t know? who’s cheeks did you clap? Is there something you’re not telling me?” and I’m like “oh for fucks sake, you always find a way to twist my words to fit how your narrative of how I’m an evil bad guy who cheats and abuses you, y-yknow when I hit you it’s because I love you, you know that right?” and the void is like “y’know what? go fuck yourself. like actually. I want you to go and fucking die in a hole. The last 8 years of my life have been fucking hell because of you. I’ve always tried to keep my shit together for the kids but fuck it, we are fucking OVER. I’ve already tried to propose a divorce like 5 seconds ago, and obviously you didn’t care so here we fucking are, Michael, a non empty threat. I’m taking the kids, and we are going to be out of here forever. They will never see you. They will never know you. They will remember you as simply a fading memory. Jamie! Sarah! Anthony! Pack your bags because we’re never coming back to this house. I’ll explain what’s happening in a moment, just get ready.” and I’m like “wow, what the fuck” and the void is like “yeah, what the fuck indeed” the void goes to leave the room to talk the the children but stops and comes back for a second and is like “just one more thing, are the kids really mine? just be fucking honest because I can’t really get anymore upset than I already am.” and I’m like “of course they are” and the void slaps me across the face and is like “DONT FUCKING LIE TO ME MICHAEL” and I’m like “okay okay they aren’t, but you didn’t need to slap the shit out of me” and the void is like “that was one fucking slap! I don’t slap the shit out of you! also, you do that shit all the time to me it’s fair I get to do it to you once. Don’t forget, it’s because I “love you”. Bitch.” The void leaves the room and gets into its car with the three children. And as I stare into the void slowly driving away, the void looks back, and flips me the middle finger.

[sammichbreadalmighty]

I’ve been seeing a lot of stuff about that whole “would you rather find a bear in the middle of the woods or man in the middle of the woods” hypothetical and I keep hearing people say stuff like “well you don’t know the man’s intentions” or “why is there a man in the middle of the woods that’s creepy”, and like I get what you’re saying, but also, in this hypothetical, YOU WOULD ALSO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS!!!!!!!! What’s YOUR intentions, HUH!!!?!?????!? Aren’t YOU a little creepy?!????!!!?!!!!!!???!!?!

[sammichbreadalmighty]

This image appeared to me in a dream and I had to make it.

[sammichbreadalmighty]

One of the worst feelings you can ever have is finding out your friend group has a seperate group chat that specifically excludes you. Well try finding out that there’s a group chat for everyone in one of your classes, that just doesn’t have you in it. Cuz that was me today.

[sammichbreadalmighty]

Okay, so I just made an account like an hour ago and I’m already lost. Like how does any of this work? What the hell is a reblog? Why is it pay to win?!???!? And like I’m making this post but I don’t know why because I’m almost certain no one will see it and I shall simply be a sad little fellow screaming their frustrations into the void, but hey, what else am I supposed to do? Seriously what am I supposed to do here I’m confused.