salty-emo-trash-blog - Tumblr blog

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and whatever you do don’t zoom in…

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y’all need to go check out @obviously-joshie on wattpad and read all their stuff they are such talented writers and they’re emo so hey it’s a win-win

[about to play Twister]

Dallon: your ass is grass, and I’m gonna mow it.

Ryan: leave me aLONE.

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Wow holy crap my love Simon post got reblogged this so so cool thank you to everyone that reblogged wow.

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REBLOG IF ITS OKAY TO TALK TO YOU.

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I went to see Love, Simon

Now, some backstory. I’ve known that I’m not like other kids since I was around 8. I’ve tested the waters. I’ve had nights where I haven’t been able to sleep since I’m trying to force out the words and just admit it to myself. I’ve had days when I tear up after thinking about people in a way I shouldn’t. It’s only really recently that I’ve actually accepted the fact that I’m far from straight. I’m sticking with pansexual for now, but that could change.

There’s a reason I’ve been feeling better about it recently. About a year ago I plucked up the courage to scour the amazon bookstore on kindle for something... something gay, I guess. And I stumbled across a book called ‘Simon vs. the Homo Sapien’s Agenda’. It looked kinda neat, so I bought it.

3 hours later I was done. And something was very different. Throughout the course of that book, I felt emotions I didn’t think I could. I felt so much less alone those 3 hours since finally, someone else understands, even if he’s fictional. I fell in love with every character and every scene (especially my personal favourite, the Oreo scene. When he calls him Abraham my heart literally melts) over and over and over as I read and re-read that book. It gave me incentive to mull over my own sexuality and start the road to coming to terms with it. I laughed, I cried, I blushed.

So naturally, I checked to see if it was being made into a movie. And lo and behold, there was a movie scheduled to come out in 2018.

Today, finally, I got to see it.

Many things have changed since I read the book. I’m older, for one. I’ve pretty much accepted my sexuality for what it is (still not out though). I have a beautiful girlfriend. I spend way more time on the internet. I’m much more of a music nerd. Many things are different.

(spoilers ahead)

And yet, I felt the same things. When Blue messaged back, I squealed in delight. When he saw Bram with the girl, my stomach dropped. When Martin started blackmailing Simon, I got so angry. When Martin confessed to Abby, I cringed into another stratosphere. When Simon saw the posts and started throwing things and crying, I had to force down the lump in my throat and sudden urge to catapult through the screen to hug him. When the two boys got on the dining room table, I felt my fingernails dig into the palm of my hand. When Simon just kept going around and around, my heart nearly stopped. When Bram finally got on and they kissed, I grinned so hard my cheeks starting hurting.

The movie certainly delivered. I can say that much in total confidence. But the thing that got me most was after. I was waiting outside the theatre for my ride, when I saw a trio walk out of the same showing. On was short with a leather jacket and a choppy haircut. One had pink hair, an nose ring and a flannel. And one had flowing hair, a floral sweater and a pride shirt. They were all laughing together.

‘I want that to be me’, I realised in that moment. And someday it will be. But I’m not quite ready. That’s why I’m here and not sitting in front of my parents. But this movie has given me some incentive to do it someday. I can’t be myself until then.

This story marks the point when I started trying to accept myself. Now it also marks the point when I’m going to start getting others to accept me. It might take a while to work up the courage, but if Simon and Bram can do it, so can I.

Thank you, Simon Spier. I know you’re not real, but you and your friends and your boyfriend have taught me so much. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

This post goes up at noon on my birthday. When you’re reading this, that will have already passed. I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday present. I wanted to share this with all of you, to help anyone out there struggling. There is always a way to get through it. I know you can do it. I don’t care who you are, or what your orientation or gender is. I love you. Stay strong out there. Life is like a Ferris wheel. And you can only go up from the bottom.

Love, Jamie

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Fuck fuck fuck it hurts it hurts so bad it’s stinging and there’s blood way more than before because I cut and it’s been 19 days and my arm hurts because I punched and it’s going to bruise so someone might know oh god what do I do.

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My heart, mind and body are all in different places

Seriously this is some bs I love singing and songwriting and I feel alive when I’m onstage with a band I know where I want to be and where my heart is I want to tour and get pranked by other bands and be in my own band and help people with my music and meet other people like me but I’m stuck in this fucking body that’s stuck in this fucking school that doesn’t give a shot about the arts and I can’t do any of that stuff for like 5 more years and I don’t know if I’m going to last that long at this rate.

Obligatory tumblr hashtags:

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I’m embarrassing myself

Basically I’m the lead in the school play and we have a four hour rehearsal every Sunday and I’ve been in bed all day so I should be well rested but no my anxiety kept me up all of last night so fast forward a little I have a break from practice so I decided to watch a choreography video to revise and in it I look like a complete idiot I have no clue what’s going on I’m trying to copy the other girls but I’m out of step and when I watched it I could literally feel my self-esteem plumet and I felt the serotonin drain from my body so now I’m tired and depressed and I have to go back to practice now fuck.

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I’ve been inactive for a while but I felt like this needed saying.

After school, I take a bus back to my boarding house because it’s ‘too dark for you young girls to walk back’. On the small walk from where said bus drops me off and my boarding house, i compulsively check over my shoulder every so often and check through the windscreen if every car because I’m scared someone might kidnap me. I’m not allowed to do the fifteen minute walk to school I’m broad daylight without a walking partner. I’m not allowed to leave house in a skirt, even if I’m only walking for less than a minute. I’m not allowed to go to parties in a skirt because ‘the boys will look up them’.

Now read that again, but slowly. Scary? It should be.

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I know I should be happy. I got a bunch of vinyls today, something I’ve been wanting to do for months now. But somehow, I’m not happy. Nothing is fun. I don’t want to do anything. I’m not motivated even though I know I have stuff to do that needs/I enjoy doing. I don’t get it. Why can’t I just be like everyone else. Why is everything so hard for me. Even writing this has taken so much out of me. I don’t understand.

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Most people coming back from holiday: Home sweet Home.

Me, a boarding school student: Home sweet- *checks calendar* wait what the I have to leave at 6am tomorrow for school and can’t come home again for three weeks what the fuck ah shit.

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I just found out that Brendon Urie has anxiety. I don’t know how to feel.

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Ok so I just went swimming in the ocean (I know I went outside crazy right) and obviously there was lots of water on me that’s now dried an there’s LITERALLY FRICKING SALT STUCK TO MY LEGS LIKE WHAT I DONT EVEN

Obligatory tumblr hashtags:

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My mom thinks that my phone is what’s causing me to get uncharacteristically quiet and disconnected. She’s wrong. That’s not my phone use. That’s my shitty mental health. My phone is my coping mechanism. In a few minutes, she’s going to take that away from me too.

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Ok but for real though I know this is technically and instrumental cover of the twenty øne pilots cover of cancer, but IT STILL MAKES ME CRY and I felt like I needed to share the emotions.

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Goddamn that aesthetic

sit back relax sit back relapse again

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Mom, entering my room without knocking: Hey. It’s pretty late and you aren’t out of bed. Are you okay?

Me: I’ve been feeling really anxious lately. It’s affecting my sleeping so I’m pretty tired and I don’t want to face the world today. Also, please knock before coming into my room.

Mom: Ugh, stop using your anxiety as an excuse for you’re laziness. You never go on walks outside with me anymore. You just stare at your phone all day. And don’t speak to me in that disrespectful tone.

*next day*

Mom: Are you alright? You seem a little off.

Me: I’ve actually been feeling a little more depressed than usual. Everything just drags by me in an endless gray blur, and I have no motivation to do anything other than watch YouTube.

Mom: You’re addicted to your phone! I’m taking it away for the rest of the day! Go outside and do something productive.

later...

Mom: Hey, you okay?

Me: ...Yeah. I’m fine. Just tired.