sakurapersona

[sakurapersona]

Feb 25-Feb 26

My mom asked me a question yesterday. (Feb 25) bakit ako naiinis kay daddy these days. Now (Feb 26) I'm writing about how I feel about the question and answers in my head that I could never tell anyone.

Whenever I see dad I always pity him. Nakakaawa sya. Kung wala talaga si mommy walang wala sya. Ni magluto ayaw nya, lagi nakihingi kay nanay (lola). Nahihiya ako pag iniisip ko yun, na nanghihingi sya pagkain kase hindi sya marunong magluto. Paano pag bigla ako nawala paano na sya? Lalo si mommy pag nawala paano kame? Para bang araw araw ko iniisip na magiging ganoon ako tulad ni daddy.

Kaya parati ko naiisip na gusto ko na umalis dito ayoko na makita si daddy. Para bang natatakot ako, kase ayoko maging ganon. Gusto ko sa mga taong gusto ako magimprove at tintulungan ako magimprove kung tutuusin kahit nagtatake ng advantage un pinsan kong si te rose ng ibang tao, mas may matutunan ka doon sa buhay kaysa dito sa amin na parang nasa same loop araw araw.

Nadedepress ako sa work from home ko kase same old ginagawa ko, oo tamad ako pero nagccrave pa din ako achievement at bagong matutunan.

Sa totoo lang rin hindi ako pihikan, duwag lang ako. Kakaiba nga kapatid ko ang hilig mag boyfriend, ako kasi takot na takot sa commitment. Kase baka tulad siya ni daddy. Na manloloko. Hindi alam nila mommy sobra lala ng trust issues ko.

Alam nyo ba kaya hindi ako naka experience ng pagjojowa noon college, kase kapag wala sila pambili ng gusto ko umaayaw ako, agad kasi pumapasok sa isip ko na si daddy ko na nakakaawa na walang pera, simula noon nagkawork sya hanggang nagkapamilya at hanggang ngayon, wala sya naiaambag, lahat si mommy nagastos. Expenses sa business at mga startup business pera ni mommy gamit.

Isa rin na palagi ko narirnig kay mommy na hindi sya tinutulungan ni daddy. Bigat nun sa puso.

Narealize ko lang tong lahat nang makasama ko tita at tito ko sa staycation. Nakita ko paano nila handle lahat. Isip ko pag ako un, puro grown up things na hihilingin ko at gagawin ko haha. Hindi un puro computer ako at tulog.

Siguro din hindi ko kaya blame sarili ko kaya naghahanap ako ng palusot at maisisi haha. Pero lagi ko naiisip mga ito even though ngayon lang ako umiyak at naitype itong mga thoughts ko.

I'm already 27, I'm still nothing.

I also and always have pitied myself a lot of time.

But.

Everything is going to be fine.

Hopefully.

[sakurapersona]

PROLLY GOING TO UPDATE THIS.

Things I like:

1. Toy Figures (best hobby i found way back 2022)

2. Sykkuno (even though i dont watch him often now, he kept me sane when I lost my job during pandemic)

3. Pastel pink/baby pink

4. Nanay's cooking

5. People remembering what I like and dont like

6. Head pats

7. Getting together with friends than family (my friends rarely talk about money problem, money problem stresses me out so much)

8. Collecting weird stuff (i bought a magnifying glass just because, i bought a mini water dispenser just because) these things makes up my serotonin.

9. Iced Coffee (white coffee)

10. Playing mobile games than pc games. Pc games makes my back hurt from sitting

11. Sleeping alot

12. Eating

13. Bigbang Theory sitcom/series

Things I don't like:

1. Watching old people die in the movies or dramas.

2. Watching dogs die videos/irl

3. Getting together with my cousins (mother side.)

4. Correcting me in mocking way

5. My mom telling me/us what to do leisure time but ends up not doing it

6. People asking stupid questions (captain obvious)

7. While having a good time. A person who brings up problems and negative vibes (my mom does this alot she kills the vibes alot. I told her to see a psychiatrist but she denies she has problems)

8. My dad still not earning good enough

9. Getting told that after marriage, i should have kids (i dont like kids plus its a big responsibility, i dont wanna end up like my parents who scrapes by just surviving life)

10. Tinola (even though nanay cooks it, tinolo just aint it)

11. My sister talking to a bunch of strangers online , video calling them even. She trusts so much that after a certain incident i realize i dont like her that much.

12. Telling me how much i gained weight

13. My mom saying mean things to me and if i did that to her she'd berserk. Hypocrite.

14. Taking a bath. Reminds me of the past. Taking a bath makes me think of things that hurt me in the past. Rethink what i did in life. Idk whenever i take bath its like thats my thinking space. I hate thinking sometimes it leads to overthinking.

[sakurapersona]

Dec 2, 2024

About me.

I tend to be sleepier when stressed and angry or even just a bit annoyed.

[sakurapersona]

September 8, 2024 : 12:00 AM

I'm lost, very lost. I have no idea what to do with my life. I feel myself having doubts on decisions that I have been making recently. I don't feel very much appreciated at work. I am not a regular employee it feels like I'm just out of my comfort zone just to get myself lost and i feel bad about it because i barely help my family financially which make me feel so so bad.

I don't know how i could make my brain stop thinking about these negativity. Sometimes i just want to stop and appreciate life because i have my purpose but rather i have doubts about myself and my life choices.

I'm disappointed in me but I'm still glad i did make it today. That's the only positive thing to look at it. If it happens, it happens. I'll just believe God is good.

I may have sinned but I still believe in You. ✨ xoxo lovelots

[sakurapersona]

August 27, 2024; 5:30 PM

On this day i never thought i made up my mind. I want them dead. I'd pay all my money just to put bounty on their fucking heads. Mark my words those guys will end up dead. The fucking disrespect she gives my parents just because sa lalaki lang siya nakakinig. I want them all dead. Ya'll aint her husband yet you fucking all want her around your hands. She weill not. I hope for their death. Cross my heart i want them dead. I've thought about this for so long if i want to kill someone. Finally it spoke.

If they deserve to die. They deserve to be killed.

[sakurapersona]

July 20, 2024

Its been days since I spoke to a friend who invalidated my feelings and I am still uncomfortable talking and hanging out with them, him especially. I actually don't know what to do. It's just that I genuinely treat him as a friend but that time he was being such an asshole to me. I just can't with it.

Hope all ends well lol.

xoxo

[sakurapersona]

March 22, 2024

tito-lolo is going to get burried at the cemetery today, rip. Its always gloomy to see people care when you're already dead. It pains my heart so much that they could've done something. They had the ability too, that I don't.

Wished they stayed true to themselves. Sana hindi sila naging plastik. Sana sa future maging masaya sila, hindi sa way paano sila nagsusurvive. Sana mahanap nila gusto nila gawin nang hindi umaantabay sa hindi naman nila kaano ano. I can see her two daughter study their assess off just to prove they arent just that. Theyre worth more. Hopefully they dont end up like their mother whom her whole life was lost.

I'll always wished that too for myself not to be lost my whole life and wishing to be happy too. Hopefully. the only difference is hindi ako plastik. But when i am that's straightforwardness because i dont two face people.

xoxo

[sakurapersona]

March 19, 2024

I would not like to re live this life ever again. This life let me tasted the sweets yet the bitterness at the same time. I'd rather have one flavor than have the mixed of both. Fck this shit. lol

xoxo

[sakurapersona]

feb 25,2024

i have been dreaming alot for these past few days. But when i seem to wake up i barely remember what i dreamt of.

[sakurapersona]

Feb 22, 2024

i think i have adhd. Also note to everyone. Self diagnosing is not good!!

[sakurapersona]

jan 15, 2024

its been awhile. Maybe a month? I've been feeling the good and the bad life but despite the thought of wanting to live everyday. Having to rethink everything, behind me that wants to continue living, sometimes i still do think of kms. Just a tiny bit of thought abt it but you know alot say.. life must go on lol

[sakurapersona]

been sad but haven't posted anything just tryna succ it up lol

nov. 15, 23

[sakurapersona]

Still Sept 26, 2023 but 5 in the morning.

It still feels heavy. It's been tough. But it is what it is. Pretty much a typical day for me crying under my bedsheets. lol.

[sakurapersona]

Sept 26, 2023

I said it. I've spilled the beans. But this situation still stresses the hell out of me. I swear the heavy feeling didnt lessen even for a little. It just succs man. Life is life. Can't argue with that.

[sakurapersona]

Hey, dear ol cousin 🌹 Just because you do nice things for a person doesnt mean you're kind. Don't get too ahead of yourself just because you want to feel good about yourself. Because YOU, know who you are. YOU, know what you're feeling. Please be genuinely nice to everyone. I really hate two-faced people.

[sakurapersona]

dear tumblr,

breh i'm so stressed. My family is in debt. My sister suffering from mental illness. Its amazing how'd i waved off the thought of kms lol. All good G.

[sakurapersona]

i rather sleep all day than let my mother talk me out on accepting 🌹's job offer. How can i have the heart to work with her when she's insensitive and rude as fuck. Ik she's sick but that doesn't mean she has the rights to treat people indifferently.