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“I see you, you see me

How pleasant this feeling

The moment you hold me

I missed you, I'm sorry

I've given what I have

I showed you I'm growing

The ashes fall slowly

As your voice consoles me”

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"You have a guinea pig? Where?"

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Love, Dean: Part 13

Dean has a job he’s good at, and people he loves. Really, he’s got most things a man in his thirties could wish for. He also has a huge secret: he’s gay. The only one who knows is his best friend Charlie. Dean is content to keep it that way, until he strikes up an anonymous email friendship with a colleague who’s also closeted and struggling to come out. As Dean’s feelings for his new friend grow, he begins to wonder if it might be time to let himself be seen.

Tags: Office AU, Two-Person Love Triangle, Inspired by “Love, Simon"

This fic will have 31 chapters, each based on a prompt off the Suptober list. From now through October 31, I’m going to post a chapter each day on tumblr. Sometime in November, the entire fic will also post on my AO3. Links to previous chapters can be found at the bottom of this post!

13: Morning After

The next morning, Dean wakes up late. He never did write to Blue after he got home. He tried, but he couldn’t seem to put the night’s experiences into words that would’ve made sense to anyone but himself. 

As he stretches beneath the sheets, awareness tingling back into every limb one by one, he checks in with himself. 

He kissed another man. Benny. 

He waits for the shame and panic to bubble up inside, to choke him like it did the last time he tried anything like this. 

His pulse picks up a little at the memory of Benny’s lips on his, but that’s it. For all intents and purposes, he’s good. He doesn’t feel fundamentally changed, or as if he’s lost some vital protection he’ll never be able to get back.

Fuck. Maybe he’s finally reached the age where other people’s opinions of him (his dad’s opinion of him) have stopped mattering so much. Maybe there’s hope for him yet. 

And if there’s hope for him, there could be hope for Blue too.

Feeling suddenly pretty damn good about the day ahead, Dean picks up his phone off the bedside table. There’s a new notification. An email came in late last night, after he’d already gone to sleep. Excitement tingles all the way down to his fingertips as he unlocks the screen. He’s always excited to hear from Blue, but he’s got the strangest feeling that this particular message is significant.

Subject: Thoughts

Dear Rambler,

I’ve had a very odd night. For reasons I’m sure you understand, I’m normally reluctant to go to gay bars or events put on by members of the queer community. For one thing, I always feel that I don’t belong in places where everyone else is so much braver than I am. For another, it’s just too painful sometimes. (You’d think it would help, seeing other gay people live their lives. But it just makes me feel sad and guilty, and as if the task of coming out is more insurmountable than ever.)

But that’s not the point. The point is, last night, I did go out to a gay bar, to support a friend. 

Dean’s breath snags in his chest, and Aaron’s voice echoes in his head: I work in accounting with Balthazar. I came out to support him.

Holy shit. There’s still a chance Cas could be Blue, since he was at Rocky’s too, but that’s still just two viable candidates. This is the best lead Dean’s had yet about Blue’s identity. Theoretically, it’s also possible that Blue is some other guy who went to a gay bar that’s not Rocky’s, but the only other places Dean knows about are at least a three-hour drive away, in other cities.

This is big. Dean runs a shaking hand down his face as he keeps reading.

While I was there, I saw the most stunningly beautiful man. I’ve noticed him before, and admired him. 

Jealousy sears through Dean’s middle like a cut with a dull blade. So Blue has his eye on a guy. What’s more, a guy who’s “beautiful,” not handsome. That means it’s probably someone who’s out; someone with the kind of confidence in his identity that Dean has tried and failed to achieve for years now.

Last night, when I saw him, he was just as beautiful as he always is, maybe more so. But I looked at him, and all I could think was how much I wished he was you.

In my mind’s eye, I pulled the man into a corner and asked him, “Are you Rambler?” He said yes, and then… I almost don’t want to say, but it’s late and I’m a little drunk, so maybe I’m inclined to be more honest than usual. 

I imagined that he took me out back into the alley, and we kissed until I couldn’t breathe. Then we went back to my apartment together, and he spread me out on my bed, touching me in all the ways I want to be touched. 

It was such a lovely idea. To tell you the truth, I became aroused just thinking about it. 

Dean’s eyes snag on the word “aroused,” and heat pulses between his legs. Fuck. He was totally unprepared for this.

I can’t believe I’m about to send this to you. If it’s too much, I hope that we can move past it and never mention it again. Just know that I’m thinking about you — and you may take that in whatever way you choose.

Blue

Dean reads those last few paragraphs over and over again, until the words blur in front of his eyes. Then he hits “Reply” and starts typing.

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Come back tomorrow for Chapter 14: All For You :)

Chapter 12: Crossover

Chapter 11: Drag

Chapter 10: Enchanted

Chapter 9: Vintage

Chapter 8: Sober

Chapter 7: Fine Wine

Chapter 6: Parody

Chapter 5: A Perfect Disaster

Chapter 4: Wicked

Chapter 3: Digital

Chapter 2: Pillow Talk

Chapter 1: Maze/Maize

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Dean х Castiel in 1919

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now - hear me out

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