sailingpusa

[sailingpusa]

mas mahabang pasasalamat

Walang singko o bagsak na grade sa buhay.

Sa dami ng natutunan ko sa unibersidad, ito ang pinakatumatak sa akin. Mahuli ka man sa daan, okay lang yan. Di naman sinabing bawal na tayong huminga pag hindi tayo ga-graduate on time.

Hindi naman ito paramihan ng nakuhang mga uno o paunahan ng kung sinong aabot sa finish line; wala naman talagang dulo. Hindi lahat ng bagay na dapat nating malaman ay dapat maaral sa loob ng apat o higit pang mga taon lamang. Ang pag-alam ay walang katapusan.

Noong nakaraang taon, nagkalat ang mga litrato ng mga magsisipagtapos. Scroll, like. Scroll, like. Akala ko, okey lang ako. Masaya ako para sa kanila habang nakikita ko silang nagtatagumpay pero bigla kong naalala ang sarili ko. Anyare na, uy.

Doon ko napagtanto na kahit gaano pa tayo kahanda, kahit may dala pa tayong salbabida, malulunod pa rin tayo sa mga: pag-aalinlangan, kawalan ng tiwala sa sarili, pawis, luha, masasakit na mga salita, gabing walang tulog, papel, exam, at iba pa. Darating talaga yung oras na wala ka nang oras. Deadline na. Sinusundo ka na ni Kamatayan sa kapupuyat mong tila walang epekto sa gusto mong makamit. “Huli na ang lahat,” inisip ko yan, at dinugtungan ko na lang ng “pero gagawin ko ang aking makakaya para bumuti ang sitwasyon.” Hindi na ako nagsayang ng oras kahit parang umiiksi na ang listahan ng mga dahilan ko para umusad.

Sa loob ng isa pang taon, ang dami kong natutunan. Hindi ko na pinagsisihan o ikinakahiyang napa-ekstra pa ako. Nagkaroon ako ng oras para sa mga orgs ko, para alagaan si lola-mama ko, para tutukan yung thesis ko. Nagka-Diliman friends pa ako nung nag-cross-enroll ako. Natuto pa ako ng iba't ibang skills sa panahong iyon.

Sapat pala ako. Hindi ibig sabihin nito na nabawasan ako ng halaga kumpara sa iba. Karangalan na ang makapagtapos. Ang tunay na bakbakan sa realidad ay paparating pa lang.

—

Nagpapasalamat ako na nakaabot na ako rito, sa wakas. Ito’y dahil na rin sa ilang tumulong sa’kin:

Sa UP Manila, para sa lahat.

Sa aking mga propesor at mga naging guro mula pa noong elementarya, para sa pagtuturo sa amin na ang mga paghihirap namin sa eskwelahan ay may kabuluhan.

Sa UP MOrg, para sa pagiging pangalawang pamilya ko sa kolehiyo. Sa Innamorato, para sa pagpapatawa sa’kin tuwing Huwebes. Salamat sa pagiging mga kapatid ko.

Sa aking mga alagang pusa, lalo na kay Ten-ten, para sa laging pagsama sa’kin habang nagsusulat ako ng tesis nang mag-isa hanggang umaga.

Kay Bea, para sa pagiging pinakamatalik kong kaibigan. Di ka nila matatapatan.

Kay Jam, para sa walang humpay na pagpapangiti sa’kin tuwing masaklap ang mga araw ko. Magiging mga propesor din tayo balang-araw.

Sa aking bayolohikal na pamilya, sa aking ina, Cecilia, at ilan sa aking mga kapatid, Jen at May, para sa pangangamusta at pagbibigay ng suporta kahit malayo kayo sa’kin.

Sa aking pinakamamahal na adoptive parents, Mama Linda at Papa Ed, para sa pagtitiwala sa’kin kapag ako na mismo ang nawawalan ng tiwala sa sarili. Walang katumbas ang lahat ng mga sakripisyong ibinigay niyo para sa higit 20 na taong pag-aalaga niyo sa’kin. Mahal ko po kayong dalawa.

Sa Iyo, para sa pananatili kahit minsa’y kinuwe-kuwestyon ko ang Iyong eksistensiya. Naniniwala pa rin akong nandiyan Ka at nakikinig sa aking mga dasal.

—

Sa lahat ng aking nakilala, salamat.

Mas mahaba pa sana ang listahan pero sana’y malaman niyo na, nabanggit man o hindi, habambuhay at taus-puso akong nagpapasalamat sa inyong lahat para sa mga tulong at suportang ibinigay niyo sa’kin. Mahal ko kayo.

Ang sablay na ito ay katumbas ng marami pang ibang sablay ko sa buhay. Sa bawat pagbagsak ay pagbangon. Palayo man ang lipad, sa lupa pa rin dapat bumalik ang ating mga paa. Mahaba pa ang ating lalakbayin.

Kaya ikaw, huwag kang susuko, ah? Hehe

Sa lahat ng magsisipagtapos, mabuhay tayong lahat! Maging inspirasyon tayo’t magsilbi para sa ikauunlad ng ating mga sarili, at pati na rin sa bayan.

Padayon UP!

—

OBENA, ROSALIE ANNE C. 2012–11966 BA Philippine Arts Major in Arts Management & Cultural Heritage University of the Philippines – Manila

[sailingpusa]

guryon

ako’y nasa langit, palayo nang palayo. pataas nang pataas, di alam sa’n patungo. ladlad ang mga kamay na puno ng mga kulay. sa agos at galaw, ako ay sumasabay. wala mang kausap, ang hangin ay nilalasap. inabot ang mga pangarap, lumagpas pa sa alapaap. buong akala’y malaya na, lubid pala’y pilit humihila. nagpupumiglas man, alam kong ako’y pababa na. bumagsak ako sa lupa, at idinilat ang mga mata. salubong sakin ay isang ina– “anak, gising ka na pala.”

[sailingpusa]

hello endings v3.0

2016

It’s been three years since I started writing this piece of shit every December 31st. Okay, I failed to do it. It’s already around three hours late. Honestly, I don’t really feel the need to put up a good essay here to describe how wonderful or shitty my year went. /the public eye won’t even care haha/ I just want to continue this streak, and I’m just happy to know that atleast one person may read this, listening to me, somehow. Haha

I was in a dystopia last 2016. We were. The only difference– it was real. It was a nightmare that gave us a shitload of bad moments. I’m still thankful for the past year despite those. I’m just happy that I made it through today, breathing, which I consider as an achievement. This year will be okay. Surely better, rather. I won’t list my new year’s resolutions anymore and I’ll just do it the way that I’ve been doing it for the past years: doing it and never regretting no matter what the outcome is. 

To all of the people who contributed to my 2016 in any way and made everything bearable, I f*ckin love you all from the bottom of my heart. It was less shitty; thanks to you.

We already met last year’s end. And now, the start of a great year begins. Be happy, new year. Cheers cheers cheers

2017

[sailingpusa]

2016: a year-end report

THE BAD STUFF three of my cats died delayed graduation bad thesis mentor car accident scars hassle cross-enrollment lesser time for orgs not-ok keyboard people slept last Christmas uhm politics extrajudicial killings a lot of cursing broken earphones acne/hormonal shit bad weathers people died blah blah THE GOOD STUFF new music albums first concert together lots of gigs attended late nights w/ long walks stable relationships thesis progressed awesome best friend newly-found friends supportive boyfriend uhm all sorts of friends more hangouts new chill af orgmates sponsors/connections new art page a set of watercolors sakura koi brushpens band managing /haha/ successful org prods travels outside mnl renewed passport driving lessons crossed bucketlist items 49.9kg weight /no more/ better health 2-yr no junk food streak no french fries new black chucks baby caaats a hard drive effective diy planner good grades better spanish better nihongo great kdramas reunion w/ old folks understanding fam a loving papa cash /ok that’s nice/ answered prayers people (still) lived other stuff

2016 wasn’t as bad as I thought.

[sailingpusa]

out of one’s misery

What was I thinking? “We’re growing apart,” I said. I spend my days together with you but I felt nothingness. As if you could hold my hand but not touch me or my soul. I search for your sweet voice but not once did I ever hear of it again. My ears can hear you, still, but there’s no more music to my heart. Gone were the days when you were singing and I was always dancing along with joy, But now I look at your eyes like I was shot at point blank. Still, I did not die, or if I did, I haven’t noticed that I was dying. I would always be back, for you. Maybe, the gods made me feel numb to ease the pain of a regular death. A death you will never know, for I only exist and not live. Sadness started to make me feel like sinking; In a boat where we both rowed together But I was the only one who drowned. I called out but you only started to fade away. I don’t know what to feel anymore. Now I ask of you, What were you thinking? It brings me so much pain to not know.

[sailingpusa]

forgotten

do you ever wait for those dates– your birthday or any day that is meant to be celebrated a special day which, maybe, not everyone is aware of it but you assume that somebody (at least a somebody) could remember it? why do people forget? did it accidentally slip off their minds? why can't they try to remember? a lie is unacceptable but it is harder to hear the truth the sad truth people forget because time passes by and it goes so fast that no one bothers to take note of it if that day wouldn't be remembered at all can it still be celebrated? felt or will it still exist in the next few years that might come? maybe, after some time, people might forget it i might be able to forget it as well until it doesn’t matter anymore; yep let's face it if you want to live and move on some things have to be forgotten.

[sailingpusa]

it really pisses me off how easy it is to get sad and then how long and hard it is to get happy again like what the fuck man thats not fair

[sailingpusa]

My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you’ve been mean to someone, they won’t believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it’s time to stop being nice, then destroy them.

[sailingpusa]

bruh

thank you for

giving me advice while i was at difficult times, helping me in making decisions in a lot of things, saying that i was like your little sister who did not even exist, asking me if i was okay upon knowing that i was harmed, defending me from people who attacked me verbally, trying (really trying) to do everything to ease the heavy load, talking to me even if i was nonsensical and boring, joking something bad about me and got it back, listening to my pointless stories and/or rants, drinking beer with me, pushing me to my limits, making me tell the truth to someone i love, staying when i needed a good cry, taking us home safely after a gig that ended at morning, telling me it would be okay to fail sometimes, sharing pasta, brownies and other great food you cooked, believing that i am not a kid anymore, guiding me if i’ve done wrong, supporting me when nobody listens, etcetera.

hey i (somewhat) cried the other day because of you guys

sorry for being sentimental and shit but i’m being sincere

honestly, i have real brothers out there but i never got the chance to be with them at all that’s why

i thank you for being my kuyas when i felt like i had none

i'd like to tag you all but i think there's no need for that bc i know that you're all my kuyas by heart no matter what

i will always owe you one

u da real senpais

[sailingpusa]

masaya ako ngayon

Pagkagising ko ngayong umaga, sinalubong ako ng ulan– ng mahihigpit na yakap at tawanan, at pati literal na ulan. Ito yung mga panahong masarap ang matulog. Ayun, hinarap ko ang umaga nang nakangiti.

Kahit na tuloy pa rin ang buhos ng ulan, daglian kaming lumabas ng bahay para kumain ng agahan sa karinderyang lagi naming kinakainan. Ipinagtimpla ko siya ng matabang at mainit na tsokolate. Mahilig siya sa mga pagkaing walang lasa. Paniniwala nyang masarap na iyon. Bumanat sya ng mga biro na napaka-walang kwenta pero may saysay sa aking pandinig. Pauwi na kami noon, pero tawa pa rin kami nang tawa.

Matapos ang ilang oras ng paghahanda para sa maiksing bakasyon, inihatid na niya ako sa sakayan ng mga fx. Nagpaalam na ako. Niyakap nya akong muli nang napakahigpit, sabay tawa.

Pag-uwi ko sa bahay, nakasalang na ang aking mga paborito– sinigang at champorado. Niyakap ko ang aking mga magulang at niyakap nila ako pabalik, sabay tawa. Parang pamilyar sa akin yung tuwa.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, “Ah kaya ka pala masaya ngayon.”

Ekstra: Nag-kompyuter ako nang kay tagal at nakikipag-usap sa mga musikero sa facebook. Matapos ang mahabang diskusyon, may nagbigay ng virtual hugs sa akin, sabay “hahahaha” at mga emoticons. Parang pamilyar sa akin yung tuwa. Masaya nga ako ngayon.

[sailingpusa]

unsent sms

Hi, are you still up? I just want to tell you that I can't sleep. I've loaded my phone to send this to you but I can't tell it straight- that I've been crying, and I've been bottling it all up inside me. I want you to know that I tried to wait for you; to give you space is your necessity. But, I haven't received any message from you lately. Have you been worried about me? I'm afraid that you've forgotten about me and my existence. Do you bother to ask me if I'm okay or was my day going well? Because, I'm not okay. But I will try to be

[sailingpusa]

hindi ko na alam

Paikot-ikot ang mga kamay sa relo. Magsasama na namang muli ang mga kamay nito. Pumili ka na naman ng daang di mo alam kung san ka tutungo. Susubukan mo na namang muling makipaglaban sa mga digmaang magulo. Naniniwala kang may mga kasama ka pero nagtatago ka sa katotohanan na mag-isa ka at wala kang sandata. Iniisip mong talunan ka na. Hindi ka makaiwas sa mga kasinungalingang ikaw rin ang may pakana. Sa sobrang kalituhan, haharap ka na lang sa salamin at tatanungin mo na lang: "Ano ba talaga ang saysay ko?" (ulitin ang pamagat at ang teksto)

[sailingpusa]

hello endings v2.0

2015

It’s always the same. Every time a year ends, I always look back at how I became stressed at things, how I felt dying at some point, how I got through it and how I realized that I had fun in it than any other year of my existence.

Well, hell yeah, I may be telling the same lines like last year

but this year is still different.

Things that happened may be worse than last year’s but I smiled a lot more for every day that passed. A lot of people that I value (you know who you are hahaha special mention to Jam and Bea) have stayed beside me through my crashing moments (literally, crash because I got hit by a car hahahuhu) and celebrated with me at my joyous days. My parents willingly welcomed people that I love to our family, accepted me for being that stubborn child who failed her Español subject (and now passed haha), got me in a dorm and, still, they supported me to all of my decisions- it’s always a wish granted. I’ve learned to become more independent and be braver for life’s daily struggles. Indeed, I am very grateful for this year. To God, thank you. To all of the people who contributed in any way to my great 2015, thank you. I love you, guys.

Again, the great beginnings start in these endings. In less than a few minutes, we’ll meet this year’s end. Soon, we’ll meet the other end- to the beginning of another awesome year. Cheers cheers fellas

2016

[sailingpusa]

[sailingpusa]

final exam

Sagutin mo ang lahat ng tanong sa abot ng makakaya. Ilagay sa kapirasong utak. 1. Alin sa mga nakalista ang mga kasalanan? a. Madaling masaktan b. Nag-aalala c. Nalulungkot d. All of the above 2. Ayon sa #1, bakit kaya parating akong umaako ng bintang? a. Baka mali ka talaga b. Mali kasi talaga lahat nun c. Kasi bawal lahat nun d. All of the above 3. Ano ang pwedeng gawin? a. Wag na lang makaramdam b. Wala na lang pakialam c. Pabayaan mo na lang at kunwari walang nangyari d. Umiyak ka na lang ulit 3/3 ka siguro

[sailingpusa]

bago mahuli ang lahat

Ang sarap maging prangka. Ang sarap maglakas ng loob na sabihin ang gusto mong sabihin- na mahal mo sila o mahal mo sya, sabihin kung gaano sya kahalaga at di ka makapaniwalang may ganung tao pa pala sa mundo. Ang sarap maging prangka. Medyo imposible naman na sabihin lahat sa taong yun- kung gaano mo sya namimiss, kung gaano mo sya kailangan, na tipong sa oras na yun ay parang mamamatay ka na pag di sya nakita, kung gaano mo sya gustong yakapin para sa di maipaliwanag na dahilan. Hindi mo masabi kaagad. Baka kasi nakaka-istorbo lang o kung ano. Baka. Baka lang. Gawin at sabihin mo na. Ang hirap magpanggap na wala kang pake. Di natin alam, baka bukas, mamamatay na tayong lahat. Nakakatawa. Nakakatakot pero makatotohanan. Hay

[sailingpusa]

hello endings

2014 This year gave me a shitload of headaches and pain. At some point, I felt like drowning in everything, in every context of life. There it went, stressing me at that time. I was not prepared to get killed in the battles that I'm in. But midway and as it ends, I realized that I had more fun in it than any other year of my existence. It was full of surprises. I had my worst 18th birthday but everyday of this year seemed like I always celebrated life. Because of my dearest friends, orgmates, and everyone else who stood by me, I was not that saddened. I had people who made me feel important. I was very happy. Unlike before, I never had this smile. Thank you. Guys, you know who you are hahaha. My parents supported me to all of my decisions- it's a wish granted. It's a year that I'm very grateful for. I started to realize how far we've gone and how much I've grown. The problems that shook me twice or more made me stronger. I'm not afraid to whatever that may come, and I guess, this would be better. The great beginnings start in these endings. Soon, we'll meet this year's end. Soon, we'll meet the other end- to the beginning of another awesome year. Cheers 2015