rylluo

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At a Roger Waters concert somewhere in Europe, June 2018.

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10.16.24

i want to yell into a void but i also hope someone hears me. i don't have money for a therapist or friends that i feel comfortable dumping all this onto. so here i am.

my grandpa passed away. i lived with him since 2009. he lived to be 100. everyone around me says i should be happy he lived such a long life but i never dealt with grief like this before. at his funeral today i couldn't stop crying. in his last few weeks of life i watched him suffer in the hospital and it pained me that there was nothing i could do but watch life escape him. my dad lifted up his hat today at the table and his whole head was grey. i swear he had black hair the last time i saw him two weeks ago. one of the last things grandpa said to me was to find a job. if i could get a job, he would be content because then i could support our family. last monday, i had my first ever in person job interview for a real grown-up job. i was so nervous i didn't tell anyone about it in case i would jinx it. during the interview i told the owner of the firm how i was spending time with my grandpa after i graduated. actually, he had already passed that morning but my mom didn't want to tell me the news before my interview. the office was in times square. i thought i did well. i called in the elevator immediately after. when i got to the ground floor she told me grandpa died.

sobbing in the middle of times square in office attire is not fun. the 50 min subway ride home felt like 2 hours. the firm never called back although they said they would by friday. i think i jinxed it. the saturday before my interview i went out to celebrate my friend's brithday. i tried to save money by taking the train and bus to her place. while i was transferring from the J to the B38 a man came up from behind and groped me. i screamed. so loud. i dropped everything that was in my hands. i kept screaming and then i ran. i just kept running and crying until i saw a place with a lot of people. then i cried and cried and cried. i still went to my friend's apartment becuase i wanted to support her but i wish i just went home. i cried the whole next day. my other friend told me that playing tetris can help ease trauma so i have doing that a lot. sexual assault saturday. family death monday. rejection friday.

whenever i think about myself i want to cry. i wish i didn't feel so useless. maybe i am. i want to go through my grandpa's stuff but it just makes me want to cry more. i am working at comic con in two days i don't know how i am going to do that without breaking down. there's also that stint when i was abandoned by my friends and stranded with a dead phone in another state at night that just makes me more sad to think about. i don't have anyone to talk about all this to. i wish hibernation was a thing for humans.

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Mohammed Alani 2024

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K-Zelle Fall/Winter 1995

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#chert

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bathtub in château laurens, france

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- Shannon Lee Barry

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my right shoelace

i even switched it up

gave you an extra tug

why do you let me go?

when i need you to walk

inside that mind of yours

do you want to be free?

how do you think?

you are apart of me

i thought i double knotted

pulled you extra tight

you want to come undone

i want you on my right

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Serena Williams for U.S. Open 2004

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Love Them While There’re still here.

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so too, I realized

that our tender overlapping

has been taking place only inside me.

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𝖻𝖺𝖻𝗒 𝗅𝖺𝗆𝖻𝗌 𝖻𝗒 𝖽𝗂𝗌𝖼𝗈 𝗍𝖺𝗓 𝟩𝟣

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Tiana Lee Rodriguez in Manchado by Julien Camilo for Paper Magazine

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I am a sad and pathetic person.

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red velvet "chill kill"