rstella

[rstella]

Hi Self! I am so proud of you!

Can you believe it?? This was only our dream. While the ultimate goal is a European tour and you have your specific EU countries on your list, YOUR DREAM CAME TRUE!

God really moves in unexpected ways 🥹

Romans 8:25

This has been a dream of mine. Although it took years, I just knew in my heart my time will come 🥹

I am fortunate enough because I don't have to heal my inner child (thank you Lord and parents), so instead, this is a gift to my:

• Grade school self who wants to go to Europe 🥹

• Pressured self dahil ako nalang sa family ang di lumabas sa Asia 🤣 (always nauudlot kahit paid/may plane ticket na)

• Sister and tita self na gusto makasama ang kapatid and pamangkins na di madalas makita.

• 2024 self na maraming pinagdaanang stress kaya ako na magsasabi, #deservekoto

This may be a small thing to some but it is big to me. Isip nalang nga ulit ako pano mag ipon this year lol.

PS. thanks to Ate and Kuya for accommodating me kaya nakatipid din naman tayo ng bongga ☺️❤️

And to the Lord for finally answering my prayer (Isaiah 60:22)

[rstella]

Saw this in my "Notes" just now and was supposed to post it last YE 2024.

However, I felt uncomfortable sharing it on IG. So here, since this is my "safest place to hide":

A separate post for a Very Special Purpose - The Peace and Development Buong Bansa Mapayapa National Program Management Office.

I have witnessed the establishment of PDBBM NPMO from scratch - i can vividly recall the report I prepared raising the need for a separate office to specifically cater our beneficiaries, and when I went with my boss to one of the Executive Committee meetings last 2023 to lobby for the creation of Peace and Development Project Monitoring Offices in every Department up to the issuance of the Memorandum from the President.

I was part of the team that brought this proposal to the Department Secretary, and witnessed the various approvals, rejections, and amendments to Administrative Orders, organizational structures, funding, and other initiatives. I attended numerous meetings, seminars, and workshops, hurdled deadlines with my co-heads, and, on top of those, traveled to over 15 provinces in the first six months of 2024, braving long journeys, including a challenging 7-hour boat ride from Zamboanga to Sulu (and vice versa) and more than 10 hours of car ride to Mt. Province all while I was physically struggling.

Throughout these experiences, I encountered significant challenges but in return, I was paid with opportunities, learnings and experiences I will forever treasure.

While a lot has happened, I believe I was still able to give my best and do what was expected of me - the promise I gave when I was first interviewed. I would like to believe I went above and beyond while facing internal battles at the same time - para sa bayan at pasasalamat ko sa Diyos sa binigay nyang biyaya sa akin.

I am deeply grateful to my bosses - for believing in me and entrusting me with this difficult yet fulfilling task.

Navigating the complexities of the chain of command while ensuring accuracy and compliance in our documents was no small feat. I learned that not everyone understands these challenges, and now I know what my former supervisors meant when they said, "You won't know until you become".

I am deeply grateful to those who tried to understand the weight of my responsibility and never took it against me, those who helped me when I needed it the most, those who checked on me and asked kung kaya ko pa ba, those who believed in me enough to ask how they sh/would do things. Maraming maraming salamat.

In the process, I learned who to trust and who genuinely cared, I saw those who were passionate in their craft, and who took the initiative. The Lord has seen it all and I know in my heart He will reward you.

Most of alI I learned many things about myself - I have come to realize my own potential and areas for growth, particularly in patience and communication, what and what not to tolerate, to understand each and everyone because like me they too are struggling, and lastly, when to hold on and when to let go.

Sabi nga nila all things must come to an end, ito na ang sa akin. I gave my all and have fulfilled my very special purpose - at least in the Department.

This is Stella Cruz, signing off 🤟👊🫡

[rstella]

Today, I went back here to attend a forum. This was my home for more than 3 years. I can't believe it has been 8 years since I first stepped here and around 2 years since the last.

It felt so familiar and strange at the same time. Mixed emotions, really.

[rstella]

CHAPTER 29: Lessons Learned

Each moment we learn something new. We rise, we fall and then we rise again.

In 2019, I felt I had what I needed and while it is true, life is full of surprises. We uncover things and sometimes we go back to the same pattern without noticing it. It's when we are trapped that we realize we are lost once again.

For the past 2 years, I was too into my life that I forgot to stop and take my time with Him. It's when things got out of control that I realized I was the one controlling my life again. So I had to come back and remind myself -- I had to give it to Him again.

In 2020, I decided to move forward. I left my then employer and took a risk. Everything was well when it started until I got anxiety from the many things that occurred. Things happened too fast. I attempted to leave but was scared because I do not know what will happen. I needed stability. I got bills to pay.

In 2021, I got a permanent position. Lower pay but stable. Although I have seen some red flags, I preferred a toxic environment. I believed it was better than dealing with the person who caused me anxiety and trauma.

While it was difficult, I tried so hard to cope. It was kind of hopeless. The toxic work place and the trauma I got took a toll on my health. I felt anxious all the time. I felt I was not enough, like I can not do anything right, and I had to adjust with all the drama. I felt sick to my stomach I didn't want to work but I had to. I felt pain in my body, I was so exhausted I cannot even find the right words to describe it.

I got tired and felt the need to give up. Whatever happens, happens.

I left the agency 2 mos ago. It was like the heavy feeling weighing me down suddenly disappeared, my chest felt lighter. While I still worry about the future because I had no plans at all, I knew this is what I needed. It was my time to go. It's what God has been telling me for the past 2 years but I was too afraid. I was afraid so I took control.

After leaving, I found God again through my discipleship group. I knew right then, I still do not know Him that much. I realized how "foreign" God was to me. I only had a little knowledge and understanding of who HE is, of what faith means, and of what HE should be in my life. I am still trying to learn about Him and this will be a never ending journey.

In those 2 mos I witnessed God's love for me, He never abandoned me. He just asked me to rest because He knew I was tired. During this time He provided me with everything I would need. I need not worry about how I could pay bills & check ups. He fed me and even let me travel to places where I could calm my restless and weary heart. And now, He provided me with work where I can be myself and do what I actually love to do, helping people. I am no longer a prisoner.

I am praising Him. I learned valuable lessons not just in this chapter of my life but also in the past 29 years. Now I am trying to heal physically and mentally. I am trying to forgive myself and the people who caused me pain. I am learning to trust my abilities again.

God never lost sight of me. I did. I was too focused on other things. But He was there, He was there all along and He will always be.

[rstella]

Lord, what a journey it has been.

[rstella]

5 YEARS.

5 long years. I can't believe a person can go on with her life while a huge part of her is missing.

I love you Papa.

I miss you so much, and I will miss you for the rest of my life.

[rstella]

Contemplating if I'm on the right track. Being able to get a 3-day rest made me feel like I'm a bird set free. Well, now im back in my cage. Til next time.

[rstella]

I live to see this kind of sunrise. My love for the sky will never die.

[rstella]

[rstella]

[rstella]

[rstella]

This is me loving myself again.

[rstella]

Happy Father's day, Papa. There's a lot of things I want to say and let you know like I miss you terribly and I wish you're still here.

I know I should be happy for you and I am but I still cry myself to sleep and even out of nowhere whenever I think of you. It still pains me that I never got the chance to fulfill my promises and you never get to see me reach this far.

I will try to keep what I promised you and hope you'll still see it wherever you are. I love you forever and always Papa, until we meet again.

[rstella]

How's life treating you?

🤗👍 We got a good relationship haha!

[rstella]

[rstella]

21 May 2020. MY NOT SO SECRET HIDEOUT.

This place has seen my ups and downs. The struggles, the tears, the smiles and triumphs. It heard my prayers and my worries and everything in between. It knows my fears and insecurities and how I try to battle them out. It knows where and to whom my heart belongs.

I know in a year or two I won't be able to come here as often. It knows why. That's why I'd like to remember it by placing this picture so I could look back and be grateful that it existed because God knows how this place where I am sitting at as of the moment has helped me go on with life.