rstella

[rstella]

Today, I went back here to attend a forum. This was my home for more than 3 years. I can't believe it has been 8 years since I first stepped here and around 2 years since the last.

It felt so familiar and strange at the same time. Mixed emotions, really.

[rstella]

CHAPTER 29: Lessons Learned

Each moment we learn something new. We rise, we fall and then we rise again.

In 2019, I felt I had what I needed and while it is true, life is full of surprises. We uncover things and sometimes we go back to the same pattern without noticing it. It's when we are trapped that we realize we are lost once again.

For the past 2 years, I was too into my life that I forgot to stop and take my time with Him. It's when things got out of control that I realized I was the one controlling my life again. So I had to come back and remind myself -- I had to give it to Him again.

In 2020, I decided to move forward. I left my then employer and took a risk. Everything was well when it started until I got anxiety from the many things that occurred. Things happened too fast. I attempted to leave but was scared because I do not know what will happen. I needed stability. I got bills to pay.

In 2021, I got a permanent position. Lower pay but stable. Although I have seen some red flags, I preferred a toxic environment. I believed it was better than dealing with the person who caused me anxiety and trauma.

While it was difficult, I tried so hard to cope. It was kind of hopeless. The toxic work place and the trauma I got took a toll on my health. I felt anxious all the time. I felt I was not enough, like I can not do anything right, and I had to adjust with all the drama. I felt sick to my stomach I didn't want to work but I had to. I felt pain in my body, I was so exhausted I cannot even find the right words to describe it.

I got tired and felt the need to give up. Whatever happens, happens.

I left the agency 2 mos ago. It was like the heavy feeling weighing me down suddenly disappeared, my chest felt lighter. While I still worry about the future because I had no plans at all, I knew in my heart this is what I needed. It was my time to go. It's what God has been telling me for the past 2 years but I was too afraid. I was afraid so I took control.

After leaving, I found God again through my discipleship group. I knew right then, I still do not know Him that much. I realized how "foreign" God was to me. I only had a little knowledge and understanding of who HE is, of what faith means, and of what HE should be in my life. I am still trying to learn about Him and this will be a never ending journey.

In those 2 mos I witnessed God's love for me, He never abandoned me. He just asked me to rest because He knew I was tired. During this time He provided me with everything I would need. I need not worry about how I could pay bills & check ups. He fed me and even let me travel to places where I could calm my restless and weary heart. And now, He provided me with work where I can be myself and do what I actually love to do, helping people. I am no longer a prisoner.

I am praising Him. I learned valuable lessons not just in this chapter of my life but also in the past 29 years. Now I am trying to heal physically and mentally. I am trying to forgive myself and the people who caused me pain. I am learning to trust my abilities again.

God never lost sight of me. I did. I was too focused on other things. But He was there, He was there all along and He will always be.

[rstella]

Lord, what a journey it has been.

[rstella]

5 YEARS.

5 long years. I can't believe a person can go on with her life while a huge part of her is missing.

I love you Papa.

I miss you so much, and I will miss you for the rest of my life.

[rstella]

Contemplating if I'm on the right track. Being able to get a 3-day rest made me feel like I'm a bird set free. Well, now im back in my cage. Til next time.

[rstella]

I live to see this kind of sunrise. My love for the sky will never die.

[rstella]

[rstella]

[rstella]

[rstella]

This is me loving myself again.

[rstella]

Happy Father's day, Papa. There's a lot of things I want to say and let you know like I miss you terribly and I wish you're still here.

I know I should be happy for you and I am but I still cry myself to sleep and even out of nowhere whenever I think of you. It still pains me that I never got the chance to fulfill my promises and you never get to see me reach this far.

I will try to keep what I promised you and hope you'll still see it wherever you are. I love you forever and always Papa, until we meet again.

[rstella]

How's life treating you?

🤗👍 We got a good relationship haha!

[rstella]

[rstella]

21 May 2020. MY NOT SO SECRET HIDEOUT.

This place has seen my ups and downs. The struggles, the tears, the smiles and triumphs. It heard my prayers and my worries and everything in between. It knows my fears and insecurities and how I try to battle them out. It knows where and to whom my heart belongs.

I know in a year or two I won't be able to come here as often. It knows why. That's why I'd like to remember it by placing this picture so I could look back and be grateful that it existed because God knows how this place where I am sitting at as of the moment has helped me go on with life.

[rstella]

Will always, always keep this in mind and heart. Papa, I wish you could see me now because this is the proudest I've been of myself since you passed. I wish I could tell you stuff about my work. I could just imagine your smile and reaction.

I love you beyond this lifetime and I pray it could reach you wherever you are. I miss you terribly.

[rstella]