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11/21/24

i think i am uncomfortable with being seen unless it is within the context of being seen. like typically i'm okay on a stage or on social media (because it comes with context of being seen.) where i lose comfortability is being seen in a context where one is typically invisible: a grocery store, in the crowd of a concert, a cafe. that's where i sort of want to recoil into a shell and only talk to people who have experienced the same. i sort of had this realization recently that people know who i am, even when i don't know who they are. it didn't fully click in my head until yesterday. i still feel like a completely unknown and unimportant artist so i tend to just forget the fact that i've had a public social media presence for a long time. i don't know why but unless something is screaming in my face everyday and blatantly obvious i won't see it. even still in that scenario, i might not see it. i'm blind to myself in a lot of ways, always have been. it has always taken people on the outside to bring these truths to me on a silver platter for me to really see. at least, particularly in relation to how people percieve me. that's the main way i lose sight of what's actually happening. i've been the most social i've been in years in the past couple weeks and it's struck me with an uncomfortable truth. the truth that i am a musician and people listen to my music, strangers even, and i have somehow impacted them despite never knowing them. it's incredibly beautiful and overwhelmingly everything i've ever wanted. but it's also completely foreign to how i've perceived myself and how i thought people percieved me. i get so lost in my mind about wanting to be friends with and pleasing people that i forget there is this entire image of my life that could be intimidating or could impact how people approach me. i also don't want to think that way though but i... kind of have to. for so many reasons. it's a strange way to exist. i don't know how to approach this. i'm writing into the abyss trying to find an answer. one day, i hope it comes.

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olivier theyskens fw 1998 rtw

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yohji yamamoto ss 2000 catalogue ph. by craig mcdean

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The Piano Lesson, 1916

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Alexander McQueen Spring 2003

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junya watanabe poem jeans

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lady gaga doing yoga