rismajw

[rismajw]

Pouring

It’s raining outside… the kind of pour that is so gentle, so subtle, so peaceful it makes the heart full.

I used to find it hard to find the joy when it’s raining,

I dislike the sound it makes, it makes me feel defensive since it creates this noisy sound I can’t get rid of, even some ear plugs can’t help.

I dislike the wetness. It’s a pain to put on a raincoat, or get an umbrella just to protect us from the water. And if we happen to forgot to bring or wear any of those, the clothes get wet and heavy, and we’d get sticky afterwards.

I dislike how the weather abruptly change during the pre-rain, the wind stopped whistling, and the weird sweat we got because of it.

I dislike how it took all the brightness, the sun— stars.

I dislike how sentimental and sad it makes us feel.

I dislike how for some reasons, delays— life.

I dislike the humidity that it creates. It’s suffocating.

I truly just, dislike it. I don’t enjoy them, it’s also very scary when they bring their light—loud friends (read:storm).

— fast forward to today,

2023.

It’s 23.00 pm, I already turned off my lamp, I did some chores before I went to bed, just so that this tiny shell would, at least, feel bearable—and homey, and cozy.

I lied on bed. The water pours outside.

The natural sounds when the water pours and touched the roof creates a really beautiful harmony— so pleasant.

Who would’ve thought I have actually found the sound of subtle rains, so peaceful?

I am not saying that I’m liking the rain just yet.

I’ve come to learn, that, just like people; rain is so unique, and unpredictable. It’s complex.

When people talk in a gentle way, we will definitely enjoy their companion.

When people talk in the opposite way, it’s frightening.

Today’s rain is a great companion.

Thank you.

[rismajw]

Things change, and you willingly adapt.

You adapt, and things keep on changing. You will, and have to adapt, again and again.

Until perhaps, you finally found another thing more worth to be adapted for 🌱

It’s okay. This too, shall pass.

[rismajw]

Life mantra these days:

My happiness is not their responsibility to carry, and their happiness isn’t mine too.

[rismajw]

2023 waves

—

I haven’t been writing for ages here… I was (even) just installing tumblr few minutes ago, since my storage phone is dying and I had to offload some unused apps, and at one time I decided to let tumblr go because I didn’t feel like writing anything at that time (I didn’t feel like I could write anything, to be really honest)

I was truly, brutally, completely loss for words. Well, I actually still am, now that I am back here again I don’t think I would actually have the energy to go back here that often and write stuff, anywhere to be precise.

These past few months, the mother earth and myself is not really in a good condition.

Before I elaborate further, I’d like to say “mother earth” is my own vocabulary of calling something, my friendly way to address the whole universe and everyone, and every existence in it, if you actually notice, I used to mention mother earth on some of my posts here as well. Not that anyone care but well I guess I do care.

Alright… how do I put this,

These past few months has been truly harsh, they said your early 20s is when you will learn many things. Well, I guess I am learning it the hard way now.

Mother earth slapped me truly hard, so hard it successfully ripped me off. I am slowly feeling like I am losing myself, which is pretty pathetic to talk about this here but well, here goes nothing.

It felt like the only present I received so far is an endless loop of grief, because I can’t seem to focus on things I should be grateful of these days, it’s been hard, and it’s truly exhausting and lonely.

There are days when I felt like I truly am a failure, my whole existence is too numb, it feels like a complete failure. Then other days, I felt like I could somehow rise and shine again only to be slapped with some hard truths that well, made me think that perhaps rising and shining isn’t really for me.

I have my own people around me but somehow I have this giant barrier around me that even my closest one won’t be able to break it. Everyday is a defensive mode for me, doesn’t only apply to anyone, but everyday I am battling with the same person, and that person is me.

I… I don’t really know what I am up to. Some days I am really hopeful, other days I feel completely hopeless.

Every night before I sleep, I always wonder how will I spend the rest of my life with this current state. I gulp a lot in my sleep.

I gulped just now. I am trying to sleep, too.

My rowdy thoughts are so loud. I should sleep.

[rismajw]

My body feels so warm when crying. Not great at all.

[rismajw]

Even though the fire is starting to dim,

Even though the waves are attacking strong,

Even though your feet starts shaking,

And you feel like your fists keeps tightening,

Please, please remember,

That you have all these spaces to come back to. Probably not as spacious as before, but I try to keep them warm, as always.

It might be a lil bit cold these days, but you will know, I know you do.

[rismajw]

Secound soupy lunch

[rismajw]

Try to clear your mind, They said. Cherish yourself. They said.

How do you cherish oneself,

when you are not at your best,

when you talk too much,

when someone doesn’t see you as much,

when you can’t give much,

when you don’t know where to go,

when you don’t even feel close to enough,

but hey,

It is okay. Enough or less doesn’t really matter.

We still have all the spaces and time to grow.

Let’s always head back to where we are belong, let’s pat our back if it takes long.

[rismajw]

First cooked-lunch for 2023!

Felt like eating a warm soupy meal.

[rismajw]

Bought myself some small yet functional stuff before the year ends. And to actually welcome the next one.

I wish to have some calming routines for the upcoming year.

I want to be more content.

I want to have routines that will help me ease my rowdy thoughts.

I want to cherish my solitude more.

I wish to have more peaceful days.

Happy (early) new year! 🤍

[rismajw]

We care more about ourself more than the assumption that we care more about people so close to us.

That’s what I want to believe.

[rismajw]

There are days when I start questioning myself to myself; to you; to the whole world.

Days when I always need to confirm everything even though I know (and expect) it will always be the same answer.

I want you to know that those little confirmations and validations actually help me a lot to get through my days, though I also know, perhaps there’s something that I should do with myself just so that you won’t feel pressured, too.

I somehow want everything to work, in which I guess I always try to make it work my way, and sometimes forgot that you have your own way, too.

Certain days I feel like its acting up, and I can’t fee myself at all, nor can I feel you. I felt so left out, so far away, like there’s this wide gaps that forced me to distance myself from everything. That’s when I crawl, seeking everything that I want to know.

But, thanks for always being there. Telling me everything that you want me to know. I am sorry if you have to keep repeating it.

I love seeing you so thoughtful to everyone. I love hearing your daily stories. I love making sure that you’re okay, and whether you’re spending your day right. I love seeing you simply being you.

I wish I could just exists by simply being me. But, needless to say, I certainly love to make everything around me so complex.

[rismajw]

This year is truly one of my biggest journey on discovering how life works, how people behaves, and of course, a long complicated journey of learning how I behave; what I want, what I dislike, what I truly enjoy, what I seek for, who I want to be with, who I decided to cut off, what am I capable of, how to cook efficiently, how to accept the fact that I am tired and need to rest, how to accept the fact that I am my own pride, and nothing else matters.

Last few months had been really great. I tried so hard not to let my emotions swallow me whole, I tried to look at the whole situation before I let my emotions consume me. It’s hard, I am barely there, but one thing I know, these days I am better.

I am trying to let everything slide, I am trying to look at my own worth, and somehow it made me feel better, it made everything slightly better than before. Surprisingly I don’t blame myself so much these days, and I don’t blame anyone for anything that happened, or might happens. It feels so peaceful.

I’m still struggling a lot; discovering my needs and I should work for it, but I am sure I will get there, pretty soon.

[rismajw]

Orange in Blues

Peeling an orange in the ocean.

There used to be so much air wherever she goes, so much to the point that her lungs have never been healthier.

Everywhere she went, she feel cherished. Felt like she was being offered a luxurious life because she was living in the greatest comfort.

She has always been so innocent, come to think of it. Little did she know that the stuff that was offered to her won't last that long.

She couldn't blame herself, though. She always had one simple high hope. She wanted justness, she has always been wanting something pure and genuine.

These days she is just sitting on the bench, near the ocean. Looking straight, as far as she can tell, the ocean isn't something that fascinates her. The weather and the air around keep on suffocating her. The colors around the ocean are just plain dark blues. So blues it makes her sick. She questions and contemplates a lot there. Often of times, she imagined herself drowning with the dead fish within the ocean, sometimes she wishes she could swim along with all the living creatures under the ocean, and a lot of times, she hoped that the ocean would just swallow her whole.

I wish for the latter, by the way.

I wonder will the oceans at least be colorful once they swallow someone? I wonder will the oceans feel a lot better after swallowing?

Dark blue oceans are scary. They seem bold, cold, and sad. I hope someone would peel an orange and throw it into the ocean so the light of the sunset will lighten them a bit.

[rismajw]

I love you. I love you, I’m always going to love you. - hvc

[rismajw]

How to be confident;

How to fit in;

How to not feel like a burden;

How to feel pretty;

How to stay sane;

How to be optimistic;

How to not have trust issues;

How to stop laze around;

How to accept things;

How to embrace flaws;

How do you cope with your hectic, rowdy, and confused thoughts?

[rismajw]

Kidult

—

Time flies so fast, so fast that it’s hard to catch up with everything sometimes.

As I grow older, I feel like the responsibility and burden that I have for my own self is growing each day, and much heavier.

Sometimes I shake all of it off my shoulder and think that I will and can manage it; that’s when I feel that I have matured enough to even be able to think so. Also there are times when I whine so much to myself, when I find myself clueless about how I should handle my stuff, sometimes I even cried for days like a kid because it’s really hard to face everything; like when I wasn’t ready to deal with the responsibility that I have, or when I just couldn’t comprehend what’s going on.

But well, come to think of it, life will eventually go that way. Perhaps accepting each sides of myself is the best way to go. I might fuck things up sometimes but i’m literally moving in trial and error, constantly checking this and that. It’s part of my growing that I need to wholeheartedly accept.

In essence, it is okay to both be a kid and an adult at the same time.

I’m trying to be more honest with myself; crying when I feel sad, or be mature in certain situations and hide the hearts from my sleeves— both are okay.