This is the vault where I empty my head. Letters to make my future therapist's job easier. Do comment or criticize, but ever so kindly.
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If there is evil that we cannot comprehend, there is also kindness that we cannot comprehend.
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Attention is a big part of love.
You think attention is love and that’s why you suffer so deeply.
- Evan Sanders
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My childhood trauma didn't make me stronger. it made me a people pleaser. it made me forgive way too much. it made me not speak when i'm supposed to. it made me an extreme empath.
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You only need one person in this world, and it is you.
I told a friend that I felt uncomfortable about something they indirectly did, or did not do. It's funny how 'not doing something' equals 'doing something'. But basically, I felt uncomfortable due to the lack of mannerism and sensitivity when I was helping them. Which, on my personal reflection and to my acknolwdgement, it is a discomfort brought upon outside my scope of helping duties, and my territory, but still within the same environment. The discomfort is something I could not avoid no matter how much I wanted, and I was expressing them. Mind you, this is after storing them in my mind for quite a period of time, and going through multiple other events with them, with the intention of letting it go. They were right to tell me it is none of my business in regard to the matter that brings me the discomfort. They were right to question me; how does that has to do with me coming to offer my time, energy, effort and space, which are very specific tasks unrelated to the matters that brings me the discomfort. They proceeded to tell me that I took the advantage of 'crossing certain boundaries', which I clearly did not as I was 'invited' to help within the environments that overlaps with the 'established boundaries', and still convinced myself to close my eyes and ignore the discomfort and to rather focus whole-heartedly to the tasks. I was fully aware that it was none of my business, but I was also fully aware of the discomfort I received from the environment. Now, the discomfort did come from a mix of the external environment and my internal thought-process working together. I know that could be true. My internal thought process has stored information from what was going on over the course of our relationship. It was an unpleasant bitter and painful sentiment that has never been addressed. And even if it was addressed, it was dismissed and ridiculed. Carrying self-blame, humiliation and shame. And the friend, too, has expressed acknowledgement verbally that this particular matter has brought me distress in the past. Hence, providing me a space to carry out my assitance knowing the fact the the matter-of-discomfort is in the same environment, is quite a torture. And I wanted them to understand that at least a bit. Feel what I felt. Now, if we omit the fact that the stored information is what is causing me the discomfort, and just focus on the external cause, I would still feel the discomfort, as it comes from the lack of tactfulness in providing the appropriate facilities in carrying out my duties. Now I am sounding very entitled when I say this. Who am I to demand such things? Now we analyse my upbringing and background. I put high values on sensitivity, mannerism, tactfulness and courtesy. And with how I am still, even up to this day, polishing myself and perfecting my character, I appreciate people that already has these values within them. That being said, as a reflection of how flawed and imperfect I am myself, I should not expect others to have the same degree on these set of values. I have had experience with being asked for help with similar tasks, and it was easy and pleasant for me to be in their space to help, as they have done so much care and preparation for me to be helpful to them.
So, if I believe that we should not have expectations on someone, then why do I feel disappointed? Does that mean that I have always thought people has a minimum baseline in regards to their mannerism? Because, what is 'people' without good character of conduct? And not even high level of character of conduct, just a little bit of it. But what is a little bit of character of conduct, where did I get the standards? Being a Muslim is easy as it has all been laid out clearly. Good mannerism and character in conduct is part of the Islamic faith. There are etiquettes and standard behaviours in every social dealings. Being polite and caring is part of being a Muslim. Good hospitality is part of being Muslim. Now, is it fair for me to punish my friend for my very own personal grounds of social etiquette and interactions? Where I perceive all interactions are transactionals, there are at least some form of minimum respect in how we conduct the business.
Hence, they argued, it is really none of my business in regard to my discomfort stemming from the lack of care they have provided. Perhaps, I should not even demand, much less, to even expect for it. Isn't it as simple as us having different values? And if they are unable to acknowledge my discomfort without mentioning that they are appalled that I felt that way because it is 'none of my business', then is there really a time when they, a friend, as how it 'should' be, would really care about my well-being? When would I then, the friend, be in their business, as their friend?
Using the word 'should' applies standards. Which comes to a question of, what are the expectations coming from a friend? Or, to devalue that, what are the expectations in conducting social etiquette within a transactional relationship between two parties? If we have different set of values, then the exchange will not be a fair trade. A simple thoughtful gesture is rewarded with a "thank you", and people would sometimes return with "It is only fair that I do that for you.", in acknowledging that they are in debt to the other party's offer. Just how entitled am I to expect them to be courteous for when I come to help? My sincerity is gone.
In conclusion, there is no right or wrong. We are just two different people with different sets of expectations and values. Do not make the learning smaller by putting the scale of the issue in the physical world. Accept that people would not understand you, as they would sometimes unable to see things from your perspective. They either do not have the mental capacity to even try, or they simply do not fit in your shoes to even comprehend your plea of compassion from them. You have not disrespect yourself by being honest, do not worry. You were clear. And you only need one person in this world, and that is you alone. So, it is enough that there is you to acknowledge that, yes, you were indeed, very uncomfortable when you went to help them, regardless of any other reasons and justification at all. Moving forward means, literally, moving forward from the relationship.
Thank you for reading.
Uzhma. 27th April 2024. 10am.
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The Ettiquette of Fasting:
“When you do fast, do not think that fasting is simply leaving off eating, drinking, and martial relations, for verily the Messenger of Allah said, “How many, indeed, are those who fast yet get nothing out of fasting save hunger and thirst" (Ibn Maja). A complete fast entails restraining every part of the body from what Allah Most High dislikes. You must protect the eye from looking at things that are disliked, the tongue from uttering what does not concern you, the ear from listening to what Allah, the Magnificent and Majestic, has forbidden - for verily the listener is a participant with the speaker, and he counts as one of the two backbiters [the speaker being the other one.]
You must restrain all of the limbs, just as you restrain the stomach and the private parts, for a narration tells us, “Five things break the fast: lying, back-biting, tale-bearing, the false oath, and looking with lust.“ (Daylami).
And the Prophet said, “Verily fasting is a shield, so if any of you is fasting, he should not engaged in obscene talk nor behave foolishly. Then, if a person is hostile toward him or insults him, he should say, “I am fasting” (Bukhari).
Moreover, you must make every effort to break your fast with lawful food, and not eat so much that you end up eating more than you normally eat every night. There is no difference if you end up eating the same amount, whether you do that in one meal or two. The purpose of fasting is to break your desire and weaken your appetite, so that you can have the strength to increase your taqwa.
If you eat in the evening as much as you missed eating during the late afternoon, then there is no benefit in your fasting, and you have placed a burden on your stomach. There is no container that Allah dislike more than a stomach filled with the lawful.
Now that you understand the meaning of fasting, fast as much as you can, for it is the foundation of acts of worship and the key to that which one draws near to Allah.”
— Imam Abu Hamid al-Ghazālī, from his book, Bidaya-tul Hidayah (The Beginning of Guidance).
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For the people who got angry after keeping it in for too long. I am like that. I would rather loose it before I loose myself. I had to save myself. Having scars did not make me harder, tougher. They make me more vulnerable.
Uzhma. 26 April 2024 midnight
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Allah said there would be no sadness in heaven. Granted, I hope I will be in His heaven by His mercy. But I will probably still be sad, even in heaven, if I know I couldn't see them there. Or they couldn't see me there.
Dear Allah, save my friends from hellfire. Save my friends from humiliation. Reunite us all in your heaven. Have mercy on us. And turn their hearts to You, and have mercy for them in return of the kindness they have showed me.
I have a non-muslim friend that is asking about You sometimes. Please guide him. Please do not leave his heart astray, no matter how long it takes.
Uzhma, 24 April 2024
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