restaurant-jerk

[restaurant-jerk]

bon voyage

haven’t written in a long time, and much is changing in my life. my dining companion and myself will be traveling to portland, where i intend to hopefully do a better job of writing about my restaurant experiences.

meanwhile, this means bidding farewell to a restaurant world that i have been deeply, dangerously, painfully involved in for the last seven years. moving on to an entirely new landscape, totally different diners, completely changed cuisine.

what can i tell you about what i’ve learned, after seven years spent in restaurants for both business and pleasure? read on.

there’s been lots of crowing and trumpeting about how the minneapolis scene now rivals the coasts, but it feels like a bunch of low-self-esteem posturing. chicago has never had to brag, they simply go about their business being excellent. why can’t we do the same?

the reality is, we’re not as great as we think we are, which i blame most prominently on the guests. minneapolis diners suck.

when the backbone of your regional cuisine is based around dumping a can of cream of mushroom soup over green beans or tater tots, you can’t expect these folks to be terribly adventurous. and the restaurants reflect that–every place has to stretch to conform and cater to a really uninspired, conservative audience.

serious food in minneapolis officially died when la belle vie closed a few years back, which signaled the closing of several other high end joints–and died again when 510 lounge couldn’t find anyone who enjoys caviar and champagne anymore. don’t get me wrong, there are definitely places doing some excellent cooking–grand cafe comes to mind–but in other towns, i guarantee there are 25 grand cafes.

instead, we have more of the same high-pricetag, low-creativity places. gavin opened a french spot in the south suburbs which has a fucking chicken breast and mashed potatoes on the menu. you can’t get a reservation at this place. it’s like the most exclusive restaurant to open in the last 6 years. un-fucking-believable.

now, i suppose i sound like i’m really pining for fancy, stuffy, bullshit restaurants to come back into vogue. i’m not. i just think there’s a reflection about the health of our diners and their preferences, when nothing truly exceptional is standing at the top, leading the charge.

martina is probably the best recent opening, though there’s trouble coming around the next bend.[1] for now, it stands as a very affordable, creative, enjoyable experience. the roasted cucumber is one of the neatest little side dishes i’ve had in years. excellent bartending by marco, who offered a deeply revealing interview for msp mag recently. i wish these folks all the best.

if i were staying in minneapolis, i would be trying to get a job at bar la grassa. it’s the only good (and busy) restaurant in the north loop. and there’s a lot of new shit in the north loop these days. you gotta work where the minneapolis diners want to go--and they all want carbs. and that’s all they want. 

the core of the best things about minneapolis dining--comfort, dive bars, stuff that helps you survive the winter--will stay. i hope more adventurous cuisine receives the support of the dining public, but i’m not holding my breath.

danny just shook off the bridles of his mentor, and was really hitting his stride, but he’s about to open a new spot in a matter of months. it’s too soon! there's no way the quality and inventiveness of martina will survive this change unscathed. i know the sous chef personally, and while i think he’s capable of many things, he’s not yet at danny’s level. we will see how things go when he’s left unattended. danny’s ambition might do him in. ↩

[restaurant-jerk]

musings on closings

this post was written a long time ago, and has been updated with more recent, relevant information.

It’s been a rough spring for several minneapolis restaurant groups. most recently, the ever-declining libertine has shuttered and will be revived as an arcade bar. i suppose the jealousy of sharing the neighborhood with slam-packed up down was too much for the parasole restaurant group, and they think that the market isn’t saturated. i think they’re wrong, as nightengale ownership will be opening their own version which is guaranteed to be better in EVERY WAY than whatever parasole does.

kim bartmann has also had a rough time, closing her floundering loring park space after a last-ditch attempt at rebranding from breezy cafe into–you guessed it–a game bar. i appreciated her honesty about how ineffective the rebranding was: she admitted by cutting prices and making the place more casual it just “made them lose money at a faster pace.”

anybody who had the misfortune of dining at either establishment in the last twelve months could have told you these places wouldn’t last. libertine lived on the boom/bust cycle of their patio, and their menu was tone-deaf for what the neighborhood wanted. third bird spread the management and focus of bartmann’s empire just a little too thin, and the prices necessary to pay rent at the park weren’t based in a foundation of good value for customers. both places had abysmal service.

at least third bird died a relatively swift death. there are still places around town that i can’t believe are still open, somehow clinging to the last shreds of revenue due to their locations, nostalgic (or perhaps forgetful) former regulars, and some kind of zombie-voodoo magic.

i’m a jerk, so whenever conversation arises about a recent closing, i ask my colleagues what places they think will close next. don’t click if you want to think i’m still a nice person.

good riddance:

Heyday (since writing has closed for “rebranding,” and will supposedly open again in the fall) has always been the wrong restaurant for the wrong neighborhood. stuffy, pretentious, never busy.

Haute Dish (also closed since writing) mediocre food in a high rent area, unlikely to last much longer.

It’s Greek To Me has been around forever, and i don’t think i know a single person who’s been inside. it looks like something straight out of the 80s. it’s either too casual, or not casual enough for the neighborhood.

The Nicollet Diner deserves to close because it’s an affront to the very concept of cooking, but i know it’s gonna stay open forever. literally the worst food i’ve ever eaten, anywhere.

Mesa Pizza deserved to close, but instead the little Davanni’s outpost down the street shuttered it’s doors, and i’m still sad about it.

The Bad Waitress in Northeast is infinitely worse than the Nicollet location, because it has shitty johnny michaels cocktails to accompany garbage food. but it won’t close anytime soon, i’m sure.

Nico’s Tacos can’t survive more than a couple more winters. they have a happy hour some evenings where the food is HALF PRICE. THE WHOLE MENU. been served brown lettuce and brown guac. people only go for a margarita on the porch, and it’s completely dead during the winter. which is, you know, most of the year in minnesota.

Eat Street Social. what a fall from grace. the food was never a focal point, but all the decent bartenders have gone elsewhere. the party has to end sometime. they’re selling groupons again, circling the drain.[1]

Stella’s Fish Cafe can burn in hell, that place is a goddamn disaster.

Rinata’s always feels like it’s gonna close, but i really hope that place sticks around becuase my philosophy professor from college loves going there.

Esker Grove will rebrand at some point–much like a hotel bar/restaurant, it will never really die because it’s like a little parasite attached to the healthy host. the food is decent, but the place runs like a circus.

Seward Cafe has been begging people for money on Facebook, something about joining a membership and getting free coffee. it’s time for that place to be put out to pasture. i’ll miss their hash, but i’m not a punky-stinky-hungover-communist twentysomething anymore, and i don’t think kids like that live in that neighborhood these days. also i’m lying, i’m totally hungover right now.

and of course, some places that we wish were still open:

grumpy’s downtown. first date with my dining companion. nice bartenders. sadly, real estate in that area is too valuable for a metal bar. at least the northeast location remains.

triple rock. one of the best, intimate music venues in the entire city. legendary vegan-friendly brunch served by a lady with face tattoos. lots of memories.

cafe maude, may she finally rest in pieces. much of the staff got rehired for the new concept in the same space, but it’s got kim bartmann’s greasy mitts all over it now. actually, she will probably improve things–it really had slid downhill over the years.

i have fond memories of the buddha kitchen and lounge, but they’re sort of hazy because the kids there would serve me bottomless bulleit rye for $3. i think the food was pretty bad, i remember the chef quitting in the first like, month they were open. i remember the drama of that place closing, too. they just locked the doors on a sunday morning, and were loading patio furniture into a semi. one of the chefs had all the spices in the bed of his truck.

Dulano’s was legendary, but i only went a couple of times. i can still imagine the knotty pine benches and weird gazebo thing in the middle of the room. it’s still empty, nobody dares open something new on that sacred ground.

i did get a chance to say goodbye to the Strip Club, and they were open for like 10 years so much congratulations to them.

and now i think of the old saying–what makes a sad man happy, and a happy man sad? all things come to an end

In fact, if you want to see who’s struggling, just open up groupon and see a whole bunch of places on the brink of closing! anytime you’re paying the restaurant before your meal, it’s indicating a lack of financial stability. ↩

[restaurant-jerk]

continued excellence-revival

feeling listless and uninspired by our usual haunts, on a recent sunday evening my dining companion suggested we head to less-familiar territory across the river. 

a word of warning: i’m already a card-carrying member of the revival fan club, so my expectations were high. in short, they delivered. if you want the long, click further.

i always get giddy when i look over the revival menu. dangerously, the new STP location allows take-out ordering--multiplying my desire to GET SOME FRIED CHICKEN TO GO AND A CHILI DOG WHY THE HELL NOT. thankfully, an adult was present with me, and my dining companion kindly suggested that we should eat something before trying to take the entire restaurant home with us.

but i hate having to choose, and this new location has so many MORE choices! three different cuts of barbecued pork, served as traditional plates-with-sides or as sandwiches, accompany the already-famous fried chicken. the only missing on the menu, that I so desperately wish they could sell me... is a bigger appetite.

naturally, we throw good sense and reason to the wind, and order way too much food. starting with a platter of pickled vegetables (the okra was good, but the pickled green tomatoes were unexpectedly amazing) and a helping of pimento cheese (AKA the caviar of the south). For entrees my companion had the fried green tomato salad (not as good as the setup for the original location’s version, which featured more salad-greens-to-tomato in their ratio) and I had the brisket, accompanied by mac and cheese, collard greens, cornbread, and hush puppies. Totally unreasonable, totally delicious, totally great meal for the next day. We took a slice of pie to go, as always. Because we’re dangerous hedonistic gluttons.

service was sadly, less enthusiastic than I would have liked. I’m sitting in my seat, giggling like a kid in a candy store, and our server responds to my energy with fewer than two dozen words and perhaps only four appearances at our table. not that I cared much, given that I was in pork heaven. 

[restaurant-jerk]

unexceptional-spoon and stable

spoon is the hottest new restaurant in the trendiest minneapolis neighborhood. it's the flashiest example of the latest equivalent to old-school fine dining; the pinnacle of "casual but wildly expensive." criticizing this restaurant is more about criticizing a trend, and less about the institution itself.

not including the bar, the restaurant has about 90 seats. the open kitchen is staffed by at least 10 cooks. the warm, dark atmosphere is complimented by brightly-illuminated feature walls, famously plastered on instagram. servers and bartenders are clad in matching coverall aprons.

my dining companion and myself are not frequently in the north loop neighborhood, but we thought we'd take a vacation from our usual haunts. after a quick cocktail at marvel, we thought to treat ourselves to some nibbles at spoon.

while waiting for a bar spot to become available, we sipped on a particularly tasty and unique pina colada--made with two funky, slightly savory and sweaty jamaican rums. the precision and balance of the cocktail was one of two brilliant highlights of our meal.

the other highlight, following some rather ordinary oysters1 was a unique preparation of rainbow trout, pickled in beet brine and served alongside some lovely citrus and creamy accompaniments. the dish was recommended as "underrated," which i can understand; positioned next to more traditional starters of bison tartare and other richer fare, cold fish is a hard sell during the winter. the trout was likely the only dish i'd make a special visit to eat again.

while making the difficult decision of how to proceed into a main course, we were treated to some crunchy-crusted fried arancini with a creamy, cheesy component. tiny, underwhelming, and shockingly expensive at $12, it made us wonder what to expect from main courses. after much deliberation, we settled on two half-portions of two different pastas, but our deliberations revealed where the spoon and stable menu starts to come unraveled:

i'm sure everything they serve is excellent, but i couldn't find anything exceptional about their offerings.

what is the identity of spoon and stable, besides expensive? if you can't describe the cuisine of a restaurant in three words or fewer, there's a problem.2 my favorite restaurants always have a focus, a foundation upon which other ideas can develop. or, in another context: every good band needs a hit single, a song that’s played at every concert, the thing that makes you famous. being a highly-skilled guitar player, while admirable, is not equivalent to being a musician. spoon and stable is a restaurant about being a restaurant, and misses the heart of what makes dining transformative and special. i think it's a sad trend in higher-end dining, and i hope that incoming wage increases and budget tightenings force these institutions to find unique, individual voices.

so, forgoing traditional entrees, we nibbled on pasta; myself having a farro dumpling accompanied by goat, and my companion dining on the spaghetti nero, of seafood and spicy tomato. these dishes were prepared with precision and can only be described as "perfect," but are undeniably unexceptional. there was no buckling of the knees, closing of the eyes, or tiny little moans of satisfaction. later, i would not go to bed dreaming about our pasta.

to wrap up our meal, we finished with a "chocolate opera cake," which totally defied expectations--instead of a ludicrously-sized slice of decadence, the plate was two paper-thin slices of cake, topped with coffee semifreddo, a chocolate shard, and a butterscotch crumble. while tasty, it wasn’t what i was expecting, in the most disappointing way possible.

final total for all this amusement? $140 before gratuity.3 this is a high price for a relatively casual meal, but my main complaint isn’t about price--it’s about passion. i left with no desire to brag, recommend, or reminisce. if given a choice, i wouldn’t murder anyone to dine there again--and there are restaurants that i absolutely would kill for.

pet peeve: if you're going to bill yourself as a fine dining institution, please note that it's rather embarrassing to only have one variety of oysters in the house. my neighborhood hangout always has at least two varieties available, and i was disappointed that A) it took nearly 5 minutes for our bartender to ascertain what type being served, and B) i didn't have any choice anyway. i would have vastly preferred an east coast oyster, and at $3 apiece i'd say i deserve to be ecstatic, and not simply satisfied by their offering. entitled rant over. ↩︎

if you argue that spoon and stable is "new american" then i question the relevance of a menu section devoted exclusively to pastas. but with only three varieties available, you can't call it a pasta restaurant. none of the entrees scream "house specialty," and instead they consist mostly of the "fancy restaurants everywhere" variety--pork, a couple fish options, and duck. there isn't even a traditional beef option. you might call the protein options "minnsota-inspired" but i don't detect any scandinavian or germanic influences in their accompaniments. ↩︎

incidentally, the service can also be described as "perfect," though there's a bit more heart and personality among the bartenders than spoon and stable's cooking. their FOH team has good knowledge and excellent friendliness. although i'm remembering one other baby pet peeve: asking if we'd like another drink by observing "well! your glasses look empty" or "well! you don't have anything in front of you!" to which i am tempted to reply: no shit sherlock! i drank my drink at a bar! that's so weird and nobody ever does that! i might do this other weird thing and ASK YOU if i need something else! because maybe i came here to have dinner, not to get blackout ripping drunk! there's just something passive about that phrasing that doesn't sit well with me. ↩︎

[restaurant-jerk]

disappointing dumpling

remember how i said that it’s rare that new restaurants can live up to the pressure and expectation that the scene puts on them?

enter dumpling, a place that’s been hyped since their announcement. concept: chinese-american done in a trendy casual space with touches of 70s era tacky. bright pink neon sign that looks like a crown? that’s supposed to be a dumpling? that people are instagramming for some reason?

well, it’s been clear that something wasn’t quite working right from the get-go. after being open for a month or so, they were closed for “re-working the menu.” i respect a place for taking the time to get things right, but my first visit after they reopened indicates that things still need work.

handful of tables, first reactions with my dining companions was a noticeably low ceiling and a slightly sterile room. several tables were sat, noise was only at a medium, but i could barely hear our server talk. (being shy and being a server are incompatible qualities, it’s literally your job to communicate with strangers) looking over the menu we discover something odd: only two options for dumplings. also there’s a beef stroganoff entree listed. what the shit? and they have a section of fake cocktails. ugh.1

obviously we order dumplings to start, because it’s the name of the place for christ’s sake, and then we wait. and wait. without any checking in from our server or anybody, we waited TWENTY MINUTES for a plate of five mediocre dumplings. filled with butternut squash, the sauce they were served with was boring and the texture was neither crispy nor soft. and after this disappointing start, our server hadn’t been around to take our entree order! eventually she found her way to us, my companions ordered a pork rice bowl and ramen, while i thought to try the chicken wanton soup. here’s where things get really strange.

LESS THAN TEN MINUTES pass before our entrees arrive. this is deeply puzzling. was our dumpling order somehow forgotten about? are the artisan dumplings meticulously crafted and intricately built, while the entrees are made in massive batches and they just fill up a bowl for you? is it our shy server or a shoddy kitchen? we may never know.

what we did know, is that we were disappointed. of the three, the ramen was the best, though it wasn’t stellar. stronger flavors of seaweed instead of pork richness. the rice bowl was noticeably smaller and mostly rice, which feels a touch steep at $13. finally, my wanton soup, a horrible disappointment that i struggled to consume even half of. bland, lukewarm, and the texture and flavors of the wantons was unpleasant. i was hoping for the broth of the ages! that might contain secrets and mysteries! that took hours of cooking and necessitated the bones of many animals! and i got dirty dishwater instead, a real tragedy. 

our whole experience and what i can gather from the menu is a lack of skill and focus from many different parts of the restaurant. bhan mi, ramen, and beef fucking stroganoff all on the same page makes absolutely no sense. it’s not a large menu, but even with less than 8 entrees it’s clear that there’s a total lack of direction. all the hallmarks of a trendy place--the kind of restaurant that has saturated the market in the last four years, and probably won’t survive the widening gap between fine and casual dining. you won’t catch me crying about it.

furthermore, a brief personal hatred of mine: restaurants that have a list of cocktails when they don’t have a full liquor license. sake and juice and other bullshit does not a cocktail make. do beer and wine with pride--one of my favorite restaurants in the city, gyst, does not have the pretense to have a fake cocktail menu--and they have won awards on the strength of their bar. selling only beer and wine. so pick your thing and do it, don’t have a cocktail list if you don’t have a license, or if you suck at making them. my two cents, anyway. ↩︎

[restaurant-jerk]

sweet success-young joni

after a disappointing streak of mediocre restaurant experiences (part of the reason i started this blog) my dining companion and i were treated to a thoroughly lovely dinner at the recently-opened young joni.

our previous visits were only to grab drinks at the very cozy and somehow both vintage/retro and dad-chic “speakeasy” back bar. we had a little anxiety about dining--restaurant hype is always an interesting thing. the “hottest new joint” rarely lives up to the buzz and excitement, and new establishments haven’t had time to iron out any wrinkles. but after seeing the dining room packed during our earlier visits, we figured they had something good going on.

we arrived without reservations, and were put on a waitlist. we passed up sitting at one of the community tables, but it’s nice to know it’s an option for the future. we certainly didn’t mind waiting with a cocktail from our bartender buddies in back--although there’s one criticism i have about their system, which is that you must physically exit the restaurant and circumnavigate the building to enter the bar. this is a stupid inconvenience, it’s obvious which “employees only” door connects the two spaces, just let me walk through it. perhaps it’s meant to contribute to the “cozy” quality of the back bar, i don’t know.

after a drink, we were seated at a lovely corner table with a great view of the dining room. we had a charming server, her attitude and energy put a sparkle on our whole meal. dining companion and myself decided to try a bit of everything, starting with the cauliflower appetizer. roasted peppers, good seasoning, sprinkled with breadcrumb for crunch and raisin. some kind of creamy component underneath tied everything together nicely. honestly, it’s a really nicely composed dish and we’ll probably eat it every time until they take it off the menu. followed up our starter with a beet and cabbage salad. it had good flavors, but we didn’t find it to be that remarkable. (the salad we tried on a later visit, with grains, pickled vegetables and a soft boiled egg, now THAT was notable)

onto the main event--pizza. we went with a reliable standard and tried the mushroom pizza, which was excellent all around, they nailed the crust and that's key.1 in finishing up, we ordered angostura amaro. our lovely waitress didn’t know they don’t carry the amaro, and rang in two shots of angostura bitters. fortunately the bartender had a brief discussion with us and we drank fernet instead, but $9 angostura shots remained on the bill. i hate having to ask for an adjustment (normally i just throw my credit card at people until they say they’ve taken enough of my money) but we got things fixed with relative ease. 

in conclusion, it’s one of the more rare experiences i’ve had lately--a new restaurant that actually lives up to the hype.

in my opinion, today’s trendy pizza joints have slightly misplaced priorities--in an effort to stand out, zany toppings have been the superstar...but only the crust matters. if there’s too many toppings or they’re too moist, the crust will suffer. like many things, i think it’s best to refrain from total reinvention and simply pursue excellence, but i’m just a guy who likes eating stuff. _ ↩︎