realworldwelcome

[realworldwelcome]

Self-Sabotage

I do that. A lot. And I’ve learned that recently. Maybe I haven’t learned it recently, but I’ve been trying to do more to prevent it recently.

I self-sabotage and I take things way too personally. In fact, I take things so personally that I’m worried I’m hurting my relationship because of it, which definitely isn’t good. I’m worried that Kyle gets mad at me because I get upset about things that I shouldn’t necessarily be getting upset about.

He’s not an emotional person, and I get that. Most of the time, I appreciate it because it helps level me out when I’m having a breakdown. However, he told me yesterday that he doesn’t even feel an emotional connection to his parents. But he loves me. So am I the only person he has an emotional connection with? Or does he have an emotional connection with me at all? He must, though, right? Because I’m his best friend along with his girlfriend. He gets emotional when he thinks about having a family with me. But what makes me so special?

I need to appreciate him more, I think. And maybe in doing that, I’ll learn to love myself a little more and not let my negative emotions get in the way of my logical thinking.

There are times when that self-sabotaging part of my brain tells me that I’d be happier if I wasn’t with him, but I know that it’s not true. I’ve never been happier and I can’t imagine anyone who would be more perfect for me than Kyle. Neither of us are perfect. Both of us have things we need to work on, but I’m extremely happy and I know that he’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. It’s as simple as that. I just hate having to fight myself to realize that.

But anyway, onto happier things.

School’s going well. I think I’m adjusting with working as well as going to school. And I’ve adopted a new philosophy of not trying to stress myself out as much, and so far, it’s been working incredibly well.

I haven’t felt as much stress, which I feel is helping me do better at work and my schoolwork. I started a “happy journal” in which every night, I write something down that made me happy during that day. And this forces me to think of something happy before I go to bed instead of feeding myself negative thoughts when I’m alone.

So last night was my first night that I’ve had a breakdown since I’ve started that philosophy, and this morning was when I realized that I need to stop self-sabotaging and taking things too personally.

I want to do this for me, but I also want to do it for Kyle because he’s happier when I’m happy, and I hate the fact that he’s gotten used to me breaking down in front of him all the time because I’m stressed out about things that I shouldn’t be stressed out about.

I wrote those two philosophies on my medicine cabinet mirror this morning so that I can look at them every day and remind myself to:

1. Stop taking things too personally

2. Don’t sweat the small stuff

[realworldwelcome]

Already?

I started my second week of school today. And although it’s only been a week (and a day), it feels like it’s gone by quickly, but I guess that’s what I get for staying busy.

I’ve actually been working out, too, and Kyle’s been working out with me, which I’m excited about. It’s more motivation plus I get to see him almost every day!

I also started work last Saturday, so I’m trying to stay on top of everything so I don’t get behind! I can’t afford to get any bad grades this semester, but so far, so good. I’ve gotten As on both quizzes I’ve had.

I know this is a short post, but there’s not much going on. I’m just trying to get adjusted to everything and keep up with chores and homework and work at the same time!! It’s going to be a busy semester.

Also, I’m almost reaching a double digit countdown, which is really scary.

[realworldwelcome]

And so it begins

Today was my first day of school, and it went surprisingly well. Not that I thought it was going to go bad, it’s still kind of weird knowing that this is it.

But Kyle and I worked out today and I’ll be going with Sierra on Tuesdays and Tori on Thursdays, so I’ll be going a lot. And Kyle said that he was going by himself tomorrow, so that’s good!

But then I came home and stuffed my face with way too many honey mustard pretzel bites and now I feel like shit for it.

But I’ll get better. I know I have bad habits that I definitely need to break, but that’s not going to happen overnight. I know that. I just wish I could resist yummy food. That’s the hardest thing.

But I’ll start working soon, too, so that’ll keep me from snacking. I also got a mini trampoline and that’s in my living room so that I can be constantly moving when I’m just watching TV. I was at my lowest weight this morning, and I was all excited about going even lower, but after my pretzel binge, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

But it’s happening. And it’s getting a lot more real.

[realworldwelcome]

I need to start running.

I got my job back at Kohl’s! Yay! Never heard back from the Pet Hotel, but at least I have a job now so I don’t have to stress until I start that, which will be about the same time I start school. So I don’t have to stress!

Yeah right.

I’m finding that I’m still stressing out way too much and my brain isn’t sure how to handle it.

I’m not ready to be thrown into the adult world, and it’s gotten to the point where if one thing upsets me, I’ll start crying. And it’s bad. I feel so bad for Kyle because he’s having to deal with all of this right now, but I’m so grateful that he’s here because he’s the only thing that’s a known right now.

I know that he’ll be with me.

I’m glad that I have a job at Kohl’s, though, because I feel like that’s an okay place to work while I’m looking for another job. I’m doing a lot of freelance editing, so hopefully, that will give me some experience that I need. But no one’s hiring at the moment, so that’s annoying.

I just can’t help but worry about everything, and I know there’s no reason for me to worry because I know everything will work out, but it’s a habit of mine to think about the future and how everything could go wrong.

Also, the more I think about having to live by myself for the next three years, the more stressed out I get, too. But Kyle said that sometime during college, he’s going to get a job so he can get me a ring. So fingers crossed that we’ll be engaged as soon as he graduates because I literally cannot wait until that day comes. It means one step closer to being able to live together.

And it also stresses me out that I’m going to be having to pay for everything, soon. I know that I’m not going to HAVE to pay for everything, but I’d like to, so I know it’s partially my fault.

But I’m trying to get things together and organized before I go completely crazy. I made a chore list with things to do every morning and every evening as well as things that I need to do each day of the week (like vacuuming and dusting and cleaning the kitchen and bathroom and whatnot), so as long as I can follow that, I’ll at least have some organization.

And I’m not losing weight as quickly as I’d like to, which is stressing me out, which is making me want to eat more and thus completing the circle.

So I’m going to go running in the morning whether I want to or not.

Someone please hold me to that.

[realworldwelcome]

Burnt out

So I’m definitely not pregnant. But of course I knew that already.

And I got a job interview at The Pet Hotel and did a day of shadowing on Saturday, so I’m hoping that went well. I was supposed to hear from them yesterday, but they never called, so I went today and they said that the manager was busy, but that she would give me a call. So I guess I’ll give it a few more days at the most.

There’s definitely a part of me that wants it, though. But there’s a part of me that doesn’t want it, and I’m not sure which is larger. On one hand, I definitely need a job during the semester, and working with dogs seems like a good way to spend my nights.

However, if I get this job, I’ll be going to school, going to work, doing homework, going to sleep, and then doing it all over again.

On top of all that, the one thing that gets me through all this (Kyle) has his late classes on the one day that I told them I couldn’t work. Sigh. Maybe I’ll go to the gym that day and stay late with him.

But he’s been my rock. He’s so good at making me feel better, even when I’m PMSing and freaking out and everything’s making me cry and be anxious for no reason. But he said we’ll figure it out, and I know we will.

I’m just read for it to be all over. I’m ready to graduate, and even though I know that means I’ll have to get a real job, I’ll at least have one less thing to worry about.

Every once in a while, it just hits me that I’m almost an adult. A lot of my friends are getting engaged/married, and one of my friends just moved in with her boyfriend, which makes me insanely jealous. I’ve stressed so much that it’s not fair that I have to grow up while my boyfriend gets to stay at home and not have to pay any bills, but his parents won’t let him move out until he can support himself, so that’s not really his fault considering that won’t happen until he graduates.

I’m just jealous and bitter that I can’t have nice things. Don’t mind me.

[realworldwelcome]

New start

So it’s almost the end of the summer.

I just turned 22. And when I woke up on June 28th, the day after my birthday, I got a feeling that this was going to be a good year. Not just for my feelings, but for my body, my confidence, hopefully my weight loss, and hopefully my job outlook.

I’m almost done babysitting and then it’ll be time for me to get a job again. I’ll need one during the semester, but it doesn’t have to be anything full time. It can’t be. I’m hoping that the dog boarding place will hire me for either kennel or customer service because it’s super close to my apartment and also dogs, so.

But after December, I don’t know where I’ll be yet. My friend Robin has a few connections with editors, but I don’t know if it’s the stuff I need to be doing or how far away they are. I know it’s not going to be a dream come true, but I really enjoy doing the freelance editing at home because I can do it (somewhat) on my own time.

But like I said, I have a feeling that this is going to be a good year. I feel prettier, for some reason. Like once I turned 22, I was like “this is the year I’ll get hot” and I plan on making that come true.

I’ve already had a few setbacks on my weight loss, but once school starts again, I’ll be around the gym all the time and literally have no excuse not to go since it’s on the way to my car. I’m going to try to go every day, even if it’s only for an hour after class. Hopefully, that’ll get me back on track again. I’m just so bad about eating junk food. Sigh.

Also, I really hope I’m not pregnant. But that’s just the anxiety talking. But I’ll know in 18 days.

It also sucks that I really want a house. I want to decorate a house. I want somewhere to call my own and that won’t happen for a long time. I’m ready to get out of my apartment.

[realworldwelcome]

Wow.

So it’s been forever since I’ve posted here, but with finals and everything, I’ve been way too busy - and not much has happened.

My “editing” (?) job fell through, I guess. Turns out it wasn’t even with that company. It was a girl that she knew and she still hasn’t heard from her yet. But they’re impossible to get in touch with anyway, so I really don’t want to be working for someone like that anyway.

But now that I’m out of school for the summer, I’ll be nannying full time at the end of the month, so that’s some good income.

Also, I’ll have a lot more time to edit and that will go a lot quicker, so I’ll get that income a bit faster, although it’s not a lot.

And for some reason, Kyle is determined that he’s going to start working out. I think it was just started by me going to the gym and a combination of him wanting to be happy about his body and me wanting him to be happy about his body. He’s not fat by any means, but he wants to gain more muscle and just lose the little bit of extra body fat that he has, which is getting absolutely no complaints from me.

It’ll be nice if he actually does it because I’d love to see him take initiative to do something for himself. I think something just switched and he’s starting to do that now. Like he’s talking about working and taking summer classes to graduate as early as possible so we can move in together and I just can’t wait for the day that I get to do that.

I know it’ll be a while (a few years) but that’s only a few years. Whenever I think it’ll be a long time, I realize that I’ve already been in college for four years and that’s gone by so quickly. I can’t believe that I only have one semester left. It’s so surreal that it’s been so fast and that in the next four years, I’ll be almost 26, most likely married, and maybe thinking about children. I’ve grown so much since then and it’s just...surreal. That’s the only word that I can really think about right now.

Either way, things are starting to change and I think that it’s because both of us are starting to grow up.

[realworldwelcome]

"We”

Wow, okay. This has been eventful. Not much has happened lately, but things are happening.

I registered for my last five classes ever. EVER. That’s extremely daunting and exciting at the same time. Human Variation, KSU Senior Seminar, Playwriting, Grammar and Linguistics, and Basic Culinary Skills. That’s how I’m ending it.

I’ve been working out, too. It’s only been a couple weeks and I haven’t really established a routine yet, but my friend Sierra and I have been going when we can and Kyle and I are going running on Sundays. Not for the past two weeks, though, because two weeks ago, it was raining and then yesterday, his back was sore from moving his dad’s new grill. But I went and ran a little on the treadmill today and did some arm workouts even in my sucky apartment gym. I’m going with Sierra on Wednesday.

I applied for an internship with Peachtree Publishers, which is really exciting. I really want to do my internship there because it’s an actual publishing company that does novels and I know that I’ll get some amazing experience there and meet some really awesome people. They don’t start looking at applications until April, though, so I have a little but longer to wait for a reply. I hope I’m the only one that applied!!

Kyle’s having trouble registering for classes. The ones that he wanted all filled up withing two hours and he’s really frustrated because they won’t let him change his major or get into the classes he wants and now he’s having to take classes from 9:30-10:45 at night if they can’t get this figured out. We’re going to the school tomorrow to talk to the people in accounting but it’s frustrating for me, too.

I’m glad that we’re using “we” though. Because even though they’re his classes, his schedule is going to affect both of us even if we’re not living together. It’s nice to be working as a team because we’re going to have to start doing these types of things together, but it’s definitely frustrating for me. I know what he’s feeling, but I know it’s my job to keep him from getting too worked up over it. I’m glad I’m seeing him tomorrow. And I’m glad he’s going to Disney World with us. I feel like he needs a vacation.

[realworldwelcome]

It hit me today.

It hit me hard.

My boyfriend and I were in the library at his school and we were talking about future careers and I told him that I wanted him to be happy with what he wanted to do. Which I feel is a very reasonable thing to want considering it took me 3 1/2 years of college to realize what I wanted to do.

He told me that he just wanted something that he could actually get a job in. He then took me to the BLS website and showed me the statistics for editors, which is what I want to be, and let me know that the job outlook for my profession is less than 1/10 the number of jobs available for him.

People say that money doesn’t make the world go ‘round, but there’s no denying that it does. They also say it doesn’t buy happiness, which is true. But it does pay the bills. And allows you to live in a nice place and have the things you want and enough food to sustain yourself.

I’ve always been the type of person to have unrealistic expectations. I also realized today that I need to work on getting over that. My boyfriend and I had been talking about getting engaged after I graduate in December and I was more than excited for that to happen. One of the reasons I was excited to graduate was because I’m ready to get engaged. There are numerous reasons and I’m not going to get into them now because this post is long enough as it is, but now due to his new college developments (which is a mess in itself), it might be 3-4 years from now until he graduates. This means that if he takes a large amount of credit hours every semester, he won’t be able to have a job which means he won’t be able to afford a ring.

I know it’s selfish reason to be upset, I just can’t imagine doing this for four more years. I’m just scared to graduate with nothing to be excited about besides trying to find a job.

[realworldwelcome]

This class is killing me. It's so boring. All of my English classes are boring, which shouldn't be the case since I want to be an editor, but none of these classes are about editing.

Introduction to English Studies: We read something outside of class, attempt to talk about it for the entire hour and 45 minutes, and then we leave. At the end of each lesson, we have a blog day where literally we go in class and reply to each others blog posts. In class. Like that takes the whole time.

Careers in Writing: Literally, this is all it's about. There's a boring book about every career in writing and then we have to write a discussion post about it. And the posts basically are asking if it's a career that we want. No. I already know what I want to do. Completely pointless. And then we go to class and she spends an hour and a half making everyone explain what we're doing for our projects because she talks on and on about nothing and it's super boring.

I just can't wait until I finish the semester and actually start working and making money again. Sigh.

[realworldwelcome]

Well.

Here I am. Approximately 281 days until I graduate and although that seems like a lot, I know it'll go by even faster than the last three years of my college career.

And in those 281 days, I'm going to have a lot of decisions to make and a lot of work to procrastinate on do. I don't like to take stress out on my boyfriend or my cats so I'm here!

Hopefully, I'll be able to keep up.