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Glimmer.

Sabine Agostini

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20 days to Christmas.

Counting down to Christmas,

It's gonna be a veryyyy veryy different one this year. Lost many friends and pieces of my heart this year. But, I've also gained a few significant ones.

It's a weird feeling.

Unexpected people, unexpected challenges and frustrating moments. I don't know how this year will end or what next year has in store for me. I really want to be successful in life.

Building a future with people i met a couple of months back, It's insane. But, such is life i guess? I can't deduce anything atm. But, I hope the plans we make will come to fruition and we shall all thrive together.

I also hope this new year, I'd have someone to kiss. (: Can't be wasting my new year's kiss amirite? hahahah

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31 December 2021

Today marks 1st December, officially.. I've got 30 days to understand why I wrote that date down.

I initially thought it was for the breakup etc, but I think I was wrong, What is that good thing that scares me? Why would something good scare someone?

I can't seem to wrap my head around it, also the emotion tbh. But knowing that there's only 30 days left to unveil the "promise" if i must say is kinda nerve wrecking. Though, I want to invite good things for myself, but to be scared of something good...

idk man. I hope it comes sooner so i can witness what it really is and learn to embrace the "good scary" stuff. I also hope it's not a human sized cockroach. T.T That is not a good thing.

I trust homeboi JC, But I hope the date is not a vague number.

[rainfirex]

You are the Potter.

Interesting enough, while i sit here think about life. I decided to log into my Bible App.

Today's verse,

"Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.- Isaiah 64:8"

Are my parents also the work of your hand God?

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"Man of the house"

I never understood the need for "Man of the House" talk. Like, literally what do you do for me? or us? Why are the females in the family are all so cold-hearted bitches? YOU.

Why can't you step up to sort what is needed? You just sit your ass down and stare at your screen or boss people around and then go out.

But you keep expecting us all to abide by your words? I'm losing my patience. It's like, I can never have proper peace and I'm in constant strain to sort everything. For once, FIX YOUR STUFF, BE THE MAN.

[rainfirex]

More bad news.

I know, I have not added anything close to positive in my entries lately.

I know the drafts are filled with depressing pieces or projectile sentences.

I lose my job again last Friday (08/10/2021) and this time it's different. - Emotion wise.

I think, I'm hitting my capacity to hold back and I keep losing control over my EQ more recently.

I don't like feeling things.

[rainfirex]

Walking In Love • Devotional

This spoke in volumes to me. I hope, it does you good.

[rainfirex]

True

It's been a week plus now.

I'm still in the dark of the real cause though there are misleading messages. Only he can give me the clarity and closure.

Had a fun day, friend were over... makan, hangout but now that all that is over my emotions set in and i miss his warmth.

i miss the way we laughed at our inside jokes.

I don't know if i will ever get that back (from him or someone else), but im working hard on moving forward, im tired. im so hurt by his words and actions but i still can't find myself to hate him.

I want to be angry, so i can't throw him out, but im incapable. It's just not my nature. Im soft, gentle and fragile.

I hope he misses me as bad as i miss him, i know it's selfish to say that but i can't help it.

i want my home back.

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Let God

5/5/2021 It is the most painful night I’ve ever experienced so far.

I’ve lost a lot in life, but losing someone who promised me forever takes the cake.

Idk if “losing” would be the right terminology cuz he decided to call it quits. His words sting; my spirit is broken. My heart is inconsolable.

I feel betrayed by my best friend, who repeatedly told me that he will choose me over. That we are the endgame.

His actions and words did not tally. It's as if he was not himself anymore. I'm working every day to be better, but it feels like a long shot right now.

I want this to end. I want to be happy again.

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He broke my heart 3 days ago.

I feel lost and confused. He was my home, he was my present, he was in the past and he promised US the future.

I know deep down I want him back but I will not beg for love.

For once in my life. I do not want to beg for love. Help me fight this.

He has ruined me. I will never be the same.

[rainfirex]

Another new thing.

At 30, I’m not even surprised anymore of the constant pace of change im exposed to. 

[rainfirex]

Margus Tamm

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You've got everything, you've got what I need.

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06.11.18

I'm freaking out, real bad. I'm scared. I know it's not even a matter to trigger such an emotion. Logically it's silly but maybe it's the shark week hormones that's messing me up.

I want to run to him, tell him im scared. That I might not calm down on my own. But, I don't want to disappoint him. I refuse to trouble him cuz it's ridiculous.

But, it's given that I'm losing it tonight.

[rainfirex]

Still favs.

You are about to die at the hands of the Children of Thanos. Be thankful, that your meaningless lives are now contributing to…

Avengers: Infinity War (2018)

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Some battles are not meant for you to fight. 

[rainfirex]

Have you ever choked on emotions? I tend to choke on them, drained and extremely suffocated by intense emotions. I honestly don’t know how sensitive and emotional people do it, to always feel so deeply about things. 

It’s overwhelming and I constant have the need to gag, cuz I cannot handle such feelings, especially by myself.

I don’t hate the world nor do I question God why. But, Dudeeeee, this shit’s gonna be the death of me. I’ve so far had the most stressful month (AND THE MONTH IS NOT OVER YET) i would really like to retreat somewhere and hide.

Been sick, beaten down, stressed out, sleepless. I need to break away before i breakdown and shut the world away. Though, I have better control of my mental health, I’m not certain that I won’t eventually drown. 

It’s tiring to always be on guard, It’s tiring to always compete, It’s tiring to always be on edge and preparing for the unknown that is my life.