rahmi-in-the-dark

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

Lots of stuff has happened, but I haven't had much time to write... Out of hell now, had another fight with papa, Jubelfeste has come, and I'm having a birthday for the first time in 8 years. Things are crazy.

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

I'm still in hell!!!

It's all going to shit!!!!!!

I might be flirting with someone though?!?!?!

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

Ugh... I really do feel like it's better me than them when it comes to making this stupid contract with those devils, but I also kinda heard Parable's voice in my head telling me to not be so self-sacrificing.

Sigh...

Didn't have a lot of other options, though.

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

...Despite all of our happy memories, one of the most vivid memories I have of Thana and I was when we had an awful fight. I remember her being frustrated. It was about clothing, how little we had, how dirty and tattered and uncomfortable it all was. And all I did, when I saw her holding one of my ripped shirts, was complain. It was uncomfortable to wear. It smelled so awful. We couldn't get the bloodstains out. And seeing her holding it...in that moment, I blamed her. I told her I was tired of everything being this way. I was angry at the world, and I lashed out at her. I snapped about her being older, how she should have been able to find work, how I didn't understand how it could be that hard. How I was angry about the stupid clothes. Something that, looking back, barely mattered. But we hadn't eaten in three days. I was starving. She was starving. We were on the edge.

And I remember...how she threw my shirt down. The sob she let out. It was like an animal in pain. The way she dug her fingers into her forehead. And then how she yelled. No words. And threw herself at me.

We fought. Actually, physically fought. It was mutual. We were mad. We blamed each other. When she jumped at me and clawed at me and screamed, I did the same thing. It felt like we weren't us. We were just...furious.

There was blood. Not a lot of it, but there was. The scrapes and scratches were red and puffy. I bit my tongue when she hit my jaw and tasted copper. I pulled her hair and bit her hand. I remember every single motion so well that I could reenact it down to the smallest detail. The tears in her eyes and mine. Hitting and scraping and yelling until...we just stopped. We burned out. And she collapsed on top of me and put her face in my shoulder, and I dropped my arms down to the floor. And... And then...

And then we laughed together. Because it was so fucked up. Because we both lost it. Because there was nothing else to do but laugh. Because we both realized how...how futile it was. Not just us fighting, but us struggling, us living. How it was breaking us down. How there was nothing we could do. We were crying and laughing. We were just stuck on the floor, scraped up, bruised, bleeding. And my stupid shirt was there. We saw it and just...laughed harder. And harder. And laughed while we cried. It blurred together. The crying and laughing, I couldn't tell which I was doing anymore. It was...we were hysterical. We laughed until we couldn't anymore. Until there was just no breath. Too exhausted.

...I remember that I said something first. Usually Thana was always the one to speak up after an argument and say sorry. That's why I remember it--because I talked before she did.

I asked her what was worse; this, or when the world was burning when the Flock came. When she was on the surface, and I hadn't been born. She said she didn't know. And wasn't that awful, that she couldn't say for sure if the literal apocalypse was worse than our lives now? I told her it wasn't awful.

I asked her when we could give up.

I remember this the most.

I remember how I couldn't see her face. I remember how she barely moved. How she barely breathed. How it had gotten dark in the room. How I only knew she was there because I could feel the weight of her body slack on top of mine.

"Whenever you want, Mimi."

And there was nothing in her voice. I think it was the first time we said the truth out loud. That we weren't going to be okay if we hoped enough. That having each other no matter what wasn't enough to make us fine. That even loving each other, we both knew that love wasn't enough.

We could give up whenever we wanted. Whenever we finally got too tired. Whenever we felt like it, without needing a justification or reason. And it wasn't a wish to die. Just a wish to give up and stop trying.

I was sad. But I was sad with Thana. We were sad together. And it wasn't something that fixed things or made them better. But it was honest. We were finally allowed to be as tired as we felt, with each other. We were tired. We were so, so tired. Tired together. And we didn't say anything more after that. We just eventually got up, and moved to our room, and went to bed. Like always. Like it was normal.

We never talked about what happened that day ever again. I helped her with her cuts, she helped ice my bruises. And that was it. We had other fights, but that one...we never spoke about it, never again.

But I remember it.

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

I just...can't. understand Rajanus.

She keeps saying that...sacrifice is important, all this stuff about protecting the people of our nation. But...

Thana's one of those people. Gremm was one of those people. Parable, Soladaine, Merari, Deniau, Cassaine, Orvaigne, Mnemo, Veis. The original Zaiphoros. Istaritai. Every single person who has vanished for this cause...aren't they people of Eyrien, too? Aren't they the same people she's said again and again that all of this is for? To protect them?

How can you say your goal is to protect them, when you'd sacrifice, imprison, or destroy any one of them? Why don't you want to protect them?

Thana, who did nothing wrong but love our family and want us safe. Gremm, who just wanted to be a hero. Merari, who was so pained by what he learned and couldn't abide it. Deniau, who ran because he couldn't bear to inflict the hurt. Veis, whose only crime was caring about me, wanting to bring me some piece of happiness in my agony. All of them did nothing wrong but care. Why is caring the very thing that makes you sacrifice them, the very people who most deserve protection?

...And me. Me, who's killed more people than I can count. Me, who's caused so much harm, physical, emotional, and mental, to countless people in the name of the man I love, and the name of my own selfishness. Me, who causes disappearance after disappearance just by the act of having people care for me. Me, who least deserves protecting, who most deserves being sacrificed. Why am I, instead, the one to protect? To BE protected? Why am I the one who should sacrifice others, knowing that doing so just causes more pain?

...Thana didn't do anything but care. Thana loved me. Thana protected me. And I didn't deserve it. I cried and complained when we were starving, making her sacrifice her food to give it to me. I yelled at her when she disinfected my wounds because it hurt so much, and acted like she was responsible. I fought with her when she made choices for my own good, just because I couldn't see that she was doing it for me.

If anyone should have been sacrificed... If anyone should have left, and gone to suffer total agony for the sake of our family... It should have been me.

It should have been me.

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

We went to hell!

A Fragment basically ate my entire capability to move!

I'm better now though!

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

I know it was strange to offer the information, but Veis knowing I'm in love with Faoric was important to me. Almost all of my friends know how I feel, and among the killoren, he's the one who's most equipped to understand the weight it puts on me emotionally. But he's also more equipped than my friends, too, in some ways--because he understands my station, its nature, and the position I'm in. He knows Faoric...

But...it's odd to hear him say that the Faoric he knows is different from my Faoric. Odd, but not bad. It makes me feel...warm inside. Knowing that it really is true that Faoric shows a side of himself to me that he doesn't show anyone else, not even someone like Veis.

I always thought Faoric knowing I loved him would mean the end of our relationship, both professionally and personally. But if anything...having the courage to tell him, and feeling so sturdy in my feelings, has brought us closer together.

And...now, most importantly of all... With Veis knowing. As long as...as long as I can make sure they both survive this, it means...I can ask Veis to carry on my story, and ask him to make sure that even after I'm gone, Faoric is never alone.

You know... It feels kind of messed up to say this, but, um... Um...

I never really thought seriously about having kids, right? Like, I'm 20!! And I'm not even in a relationship or anything!! And the one I DO want to have is with a man who will outlive me by thousands of years!!! So it's never been in my mind as more than a passing thing!!! But... But...

If...there were a way to...have descendants of my own... I would want them, my family, to carry on my task. To stay with Faoric in some way, and watch over him, even with the passing of generations. So that...he really could never have to be alone.

Ugh-- Th-That's weird, isn't it?! Ugh... Oh well. It's my blog, right? Might as well just...say what I wanna say.

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

I have a new aspect!!! And yes it has a lot of very cool very deep very mystical powers and I had a big experience with it with Veis that I'll get back to later but BEFORE ALL OF THAT I NEED TO SAY

THIS ASPECT GIVES ME LITTLE WINGS ON MY HEAD AND IT TURNS OUT I CAN FLAP THEM!!! I'M LITERALLY GOING TO HAVE THIS ONE ON JUST SO THAT I CAN FLUTTER MY WINGS A BUNCH

Wait I can turn it on RIGHT NOW I'm turning it on now

EEEEEEEE hehehehe!!! They're so SOFT! And they make a little breeze! Flap flap! Flap flap flap! Hehehehe!

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

We... We didn't. We didn't kill Impunity. Buckley...Buckley wouldn't let it happen. And then none of us would. And we...we forced the Voice to listen. We made it restore him. We... We avoided that awful pain this time. One more time...

I have to remind myself that even though it's scary...as long as I tell my friends, we'll always try to work through these pains.

We're calling him Dice now. He'll be remade, a new life in a new world. Whatever he was, whatever he did...we're going to let him let go of that burden. Now, he'll try again.

And our world will keep moving forward.

This sucks.

Every time we do it, it fucking sucks!!! I hate this! I don’t want to do it anymore! I don’t want to kill Impunity! I didn’t want to kill Surge!! I want to stop doing this stupid Voice bullshit for the stupid “restoration” of the stupid world! Why should that even matter to me?! Why can’t I just be like the rest of the world and be ignorant of this stupid world-ending mass??? What is it going to matter if it hatches and we die, huh?! It’s not like it’d hurt for more than a second!!!

I HATE THIS!!!

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

Sounds like Rajanus has also been busy and I'M the one who doesn't need to know with what... Whatever it is, it's dangerous and unsafe to speak of.

Geez...I'm scared.

I'm definitely spending like, at LEAST a week away from Eyrien though, I need some space from Florian (and he from me) and if Rajanus calls for me I'm too fucking busy and she doesn't have to know with what. Same for Faoric, though that's more because any discussion we have after this Rafanir thing is going to have to be VERY calm and not suspicious so that I don't let anything slip.

...I hope Thana's holding together. I just need you to wait a little longer, Nana. Just a little bit longer.

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

He... He... He'll never have to be alone again. Never ever ever. For as long as I live.

I'm gonna protect him forever. My love, my heart, my Faoric. I'm never letting him go.

I'm gonna hold him...forever. Forever, and ever, and ever, and ever. Because he's so much more than just a superior to me, or whatever. He's the person I love most in the whole wide world. He's the person who knows me better than anyone else. He's my everything. He IS my whole world.

So I won't ever let him be alone ever again. I'll hold him as tight as I can. I won't let his siblings hold him back or choose his path for him.

My nightmare will never come true. Because now I know...I know, without a doubt, that I will protect him. From himself, from me, from his kin. He will never die from me walking away from him, because I WON'T walk away from him. I will stand at his side, and I will stare down our foe alongside him. I will never let him feel the fear of death, or the pain of it.

He's mine. Mine forever. My love. My dearest, darling, most precious treasure. My Faoric. My Faoric. My dearest...most beloved Faoric.

I will hold you close, and I will love you forever. Now and always.

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

knight/lord ships are like. what if i would die for you. what if i wanted you to live for me. what if i wanted to touch you but could only be satisfied with being near you. what if i could touch you but only through the safety of our gloves. what if i couldn’t stop thinking about you right next to me. what if i bloodied my hands for you and never looked back at the wreckage. what then

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

((Considering changing URL to "rahmiinthedark" or "swimming-in-darkness" as I feel like both fit better for him lately, and also are the names of songs I composed about him))

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

This stuff with Tact and his companions kind of reminds me of when I talked with Vambrace in his hall.

[rahmi-in-the-dark]

...this all gives me a thought.

What about despair?

Fear they don't feel. But despair...despair will affect you no matter who or what you are. Even the fey can feel it--mama is proof of that. Despair seeps into your being, it poisons you, it wraps around you in an unbreakable chokehold and squeezes and squeezes and squeezes, and there's not a single thing you can do but give in to it. It's not fleeting. It isn't easy to cure. It doesn't go away.

If I can feel despair...if Mama can feel despair...then surely so can they.

I wonder if Faoric will dismiss her as an edge case. Even then, I don't think I want to tell him about Mama. I'm leaving her out of this, and even Papa, even if he doesn't deserve it.