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He is so sweet, I'm getting cavities from whispering his name alone.

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old coffee

mature is what i was looking for,

my hands reached for the mug in the back cupboard

instinctively.

my eyes scoped beyond the campus of highschool,

searching for silver in a world that prized gold.

a cup of ceramic in my porcelain hands,

wrinkles in leather boots and cracks in phone screens,

sturdier than any stallion, so far beyond my years.

cold yet warm and always the same, stagnant cup of old coffee,

it's what i was looking for.

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I know but I can't fix it.

So, I am perfectly self-aware and conscious that my taste in men is a problematic--not to mention a paradox--thing to begin with.

For instance I long for peace and calm and stability, maturity and understanding. Yet, at the same time I wouldn't mind if he was mean, if he was ignorant, if we fought and disagreed.

Worst of all, I would forgive him for hurting me, in all regards, but frankly I draw the line at betraying me, if he lacked loyalty. I know, that sounds quite stupid, makes one wonder "where are this girl's priorities and why is she okay with anything else?" My answer to that might be insufficient. When you know, you know. For instance, my parents had a rough relationship, many bad moments and good and calm ones sprinkled in. But they never looked at other people, never betrayed each other. I know, bare minimum, but there are couples that cheat. I'd rather go through hell than get cheated on, that's why, in my skewed perspective I could forgive him or her if he mistreated me as long as he is loyal.

This only applies to me, I don't believe anyone else should be subjected to such things, maybe it's my martyr complex, ever the victim, but at my own hands. I have experienced almost all forms of abuse except drug and sexual abuse--thank God--and I must say I am an ungrateful b-word for feeling okay and at the same time haunted by it. Why can't I be normal and feel a certain way about it? Still, there are moments in my life, where I am happy and genuinely, the unbridledly desire of betterment and healing so close, yet out of reach. Finger tips graze the edge and I realize, "no, this scares me, it feels weird. I'd rather stay miserable."

Well maybe I don't explicitly think I should stay miserable, but I return to my old ways. That brings me back to my type, my "romantic" interest. It's embarrassing vocalizing it, so I write it down instead.

I don't idolize bad men, not those serial killers or criminals, I actually have a very tame and mild obsession with men that any woman would like; Mads Mikkelsen, Cillian Murphy and so on. Well that, and mostly fictional men. Women too, but that is a topic I am yet too shy to delve into.

Someone I want, or maybe desire is not equal to what I need. I know the differences between the two, yet desire wins over conscience. Forgive me God. I need someone gentle and patient, warm and welcoming, private and mature. But I want someone who is emotionally not there, controlling, older and wiser but also self-aware of his own flaws yet unwilling to change, someone stubborn and cold yet warm, keeping me starved but feeding me enough to keep me alive for their love.

Someone who has the power to destroy and build me back up, who knows every secret of mine and doesn't shy away from tough love.

And that is a problem, I know, but I don't see why exactly, I don't see why I can't love someone who is deemed unlovable, so long they are not fundamentally bad people, I find a way to long for them. No one is inherently bad or good and I'd rather want someone I can feel comfortably with, even if they are not the healthiest choice.

I want someone who is on a black and white spectrum a dark grey.

But I shouldn't, because I know I can't handle it, I am far from perfect or healthy or happy or mature. I would crumble on the outside and I'm afraid I won't like it, I hate showing vulnerability, especially to those I hold dear.

I am working on it, baby steps.

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@academia-lucifer

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— Louise Glück, from “Timor Mortis.”

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miriam adeney

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Ancient library of Celsus in Ephesus, 117 A.D.

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Secretely this is my dream, making pastries and baking bread. Not necessarily as an occupation, for fun.

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Dream of a Thousand Cats

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Herbs & more properties

Here's a list of my most used ingredients in my craft

B

Basil: Astral travel, exorcism, love, protection, wealth. Can be kept in a cash box for prosperity.

Bergamot: Money, prosperity and sleep. Protects from both evil and illness. Good for luck and wealth. Increases magical power. Very powerful for attracting success.

Black Salt: Protection, breaking hexes, keeping away negative energies. Can be cast around the house or object to absorb negativity. Can also be carried on yourself. Better to dispose of it after use or cleanse it.

C

Calendula: Attracts success and justice in legal matters. Increases psychic/spiritual powers and aid prophetic dreams. Dispels negativity.

Cinnamon: Spiritual growth, healing, success, psychic powers. Attracts love and prosperity. Good for luck spells.

Cloves: Use to protect, banish negative forces, and divination. Also helps with any teeth spells. Aids money and draws love.

D

Dragon's Blood: Protection, energy, and purification. Burn as an incense to increase the potency of a spell. Has strong banishing powers against negative influences and bad habits.

E

Eucalyptus: Attracts healing vibrations, great for protection and healing sachets. Use to purify any space. Put under pillow to maintain good health and word off evil.

F

Frankincense: Use in rituals and magic associated with , spirituality and protection. Also regulates emotions and helps depression.

H

Himalayan Salt: Protection, romance, friendship, attract love, purification. Use it to cleanse crystals and to absorb intentions; burn it after to release them.

L

Lavender: Happiness, Longevity, Love, Peace, Protection, Purification, Sleep

M

Myrrh: Spiritual, meditation, and healing. Supports youthfulness and protection. Luck and peace.

O

Oregano: Aids astral projection, health, and vitality. Increase joy and justice and protects against evil. Brings good fortune.

P

Palo Santo: Cleanse negative energies and bring positive ones, enhance creativity, brings good fortune. Good for keeping mosquitoes away!

Parsley: Carry on yourself to protect from harm, bad luck, and drunkenness. Place on your altar or adorn food to honor and communicate with the dead. Parsley can also be added to a bath to purify and protect from harm and negativity. 

R

Rose: Divination, healing, love, luck, protection, psychic powers

Rosemary: Use in healing poppets and love/lust spells. Improves memory. Increases sleep, mental power and protection. Burn to help purification and removing negativity.

S

Sage: Carry Sage to bring luck, wisdom, and protection. Burn it to purify rooms and objects and dispel negativity.

T

Thyme: Courage, healing, health, love, psychic, purification. Carry on you to bring courage, protection, or attract love. Place under your pillow to ward off nightmares and bring restful sleep.

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Solitude can be peaceful.

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I want to wake up to this everyday.

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