quietboss

[quietboss]

What's something you'd like to experience as if it were the first time?

I'm trying to frame this question with D/s in mind seems how that's the main topic of my blog. It's tough because I am someone who isn't much of a thrill seeker and doesn't really like doing new things. I much prefer the comfort of familiarity, generally speaking.

I guess what comes to mind though, was this period in our "vanilla to D/s" journey where after some initial speedbumps, suddenly we found our footing and it really started to all snap into place, and everything snowballed quickly and it felt better than either of us had thought possible. It wasn't any one thing or any one moment but maybe over the course of a couple of months, it just felt like everything was working, and we were speaking this new language together that felt like pure love and it was really lovely. It still is, of course...but when it was new it was surprising as we didn't know it could feel as good as it did, before we started. It wasn't like we were unhappy before, so it feeling SO good just felt like this new world of positive feelings had opened up that we didn't know had existed. At the risk of sounding cheesy, it felt kinda magical and it was a really beautiful thing that we discovered together. It's hard for me to imagine having any other experience in the rest of my life that will come close to that. So if I could relive something, it would probably be that.

[quietboss]

You know, even on nights when I'm in a mood for degredation and humiliation type stuff...

…the whole “where she/he/they belong” thing just doesn’t do it for me. Like, nevermind the fact it is almost always “she” in that statement…the idea of someone being degraded or humiliated or used by me because that’s where they “belong” just isn’t super-hot.

Someone being degraded or humiliated or used by me because that’s what they’ve chosen? That is motherfucking hot.

Honestly, sometimes if that’s what I’m in the mood for I find the hottest thing can be to reinforce the element of choice there - 

“Does this make you feel dirty?”

“Yes.”

“Does it make you feel used?”

“Yes.”

“Do you like it?

”…Yes. No. Maybe.“

“You know you can say no at any time, right? That you can tell me to stop and it’ll all be over the moment you do?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want me to stop treating you like a dirty little fucktoy and using and degrading you like this?”

“…No.”

“Then what does that make you?”

I mean, yes, consent isn’t just sexy, it is fucking mandatory…But it can also be sexy, especially in those types of scenes. It is sort of in with all the various kinds of “use your words” type hotness I like…

[quietboss]

I'm clearly not a "Domme", but some rock solid advice here for all aspiring Tops.

I especially identify with the concept of meeting the standards that you would expect of a sub. Extending that to "small steps, not immediate fulfillment" is an obvious observation that I overlooked at the time.

Hi Harry,

Any tips you could give for a Dom/Domme that sometimes struggles self confidence?

It isn’t something I’ve ever really struggled with. Please, temper your surprise. Having said that I might have some advice. 

Focus on yourself first. To project confidence you must have confidence in yourself. Be careful about your self care and appearance. Do what you feel you can. Do for yourself what you, as a Domme, would demand of your submissive. 

Set yourself realistic goals. If you feel you need to improve on any or all of those aspects do not try to go from start to finish in a single step. Aim to improve. Preferably a measurable improvement. When you are consistently attaining that goal, stretch your goal. 

Make it a persona. Couple your Domme self with ‘costuming’. Dress for the occasion and put on your confidence with your wardrobe and makeup. It will come more naturally each time. This one is essentially the classic ‘fake it until you make it’ advice. 

Take improv classes. No, really. 

- Harriet

[quietboss]

This popped up on my feed, and I thought I might be able to lend some perspective.

I share a similar background and perspective with anon's partner. I have to offer a quick reality check first of all. Overcoming the cognitive dissonance of hitting your partner is hard. I would strongly suggest you do not leap in to the discussion asking that you be hit!

Discipline comes in many forms. You can easily search for suggestions, but classics include writing lines, and corner time. He is much more likely to enforce discipline if he can send you to a corner rather than hit you. Physicality can come later, if you both want it.

Also think of protocols and power dynamics.

Instead of asking him to critically appraise your domestic performance on his own initiative, give him a verbal report of your day's activities. Ask for his feedback, and rating if appropriate.

Have a menu of punishments agreed before hand, so these can be immediately implemented against any failures. These are protocols.

On the power dynamic side, you could make your report while kneeling before him. Referring to him as Sir while alone is also powerful.

In general, your pitch needs to be about him helping you be better for yourself.

Not about him making you better, nor being better for him.

Good luck!

I’ve longed to have a D/S relationship and DD but my fiancé isn’t the type of person. He’s a gentleman and was always taught to never lay a hand on a woman. It makes me sad because I read about all these other people and the relationships they have and it makes me crave it so much more. I want the communication and to be held accountable for my actions. I want to rules and such to help me be a better person. However, i don’t want to force him into anything he is uncomfortable with so i’m stuck. Any suggestions?

Have you talked to him about it? If you haven’t talked to him about it, I don’t think you can really know for sure. 

I don’t see being a gentleman, or being raised to not hurt women, has to have anything to do with D/s or BDSM when it’s mutually enjoyed. I think lots of doms are gentlemen who would never lay a hand on a woman in any other scenario. Many dom(me)’s even struggle with their sadistic tendencies because they confuse sexual sadism with being a bad person or violent person, etc. 

In most cases, the difference between D/s and abuse, or BDSM and abuse, is consent. So sometimes, admitting that you want (and consent) to this type of treatment can dramatically change perspectives. 

Of course, a lot of people are against D/s or BDSM in any context, or even if they aren’t exactly against it, it just isn’t right for them, they aren’t into it, etc. 

But other times, once one partner admits to having an interest in D/s, and has a change to really explain it to the other so that the other person understands that this isn’t about one person being mistreated, or it’s not about superiority and inferiority, how it’s a positive thing, a warm, loving thing - not a cold, scary one. And definitely not always - but sometimes, if the other person tries it, they see that this is something natural for them, too. 

I think what happened to CD and I, and what happens to many other couples, is they are naturally drawn to someone who is dominant or submissive even before they really know what those things are. And then one partner finds clarity about what D/s is first, and brings it the other, but ultimately, they together find that they are both D/s. 

But the only way to know for sure is to talk about it, and then if there is willingness, to try it. 

If you meant that you have talked about it and he isn’t willing, then you can’t force it, as you said. That would be a consent violation. If there are any aspects he may not understand and he’s open to talking about them, you could try to get him to understand better and see if that helps. But if he understands and he’s not open to it, you can’t push that. So then you would have to decide to stay vanilla or leave. I hope that isn’t the case you’re in and that you just haven’t talked it out yet. 

[quietboss]

Ten Things A Dom Needs

Written by a friend of a friend whom shall remain nameless…

1) Do what you’re told. Not just when you want to, not just when it’s easy, but every single time. If you’ve suddenly decided you’re a free agent that’s a conversation for negotiation in whatever format that takes in your dynamic. Until then, less talking, more obeying.

2) Keep your commitments. If me/you/we have decided on a certain protocol you’re expected to follow through. Nothing sucks the magic out of a D/s interaction faster than when BOTH people let protocols lapse and drift by the wayside. If you act like a part-time sub expect to be treated like one.

3) Try to be just a little less self-centered. The journey of submission is all about YOU, I get it. Truthfully all of us Doms get it, but there is an illusion here that needs to be maintained, and when every check-in boils down to how things are going for you and you don’t bother to ask, “How are you, are you satisfied, are you getting what you need out of me, how can I improve our shared experience?” It makes you look kinda shallow.

4) Don’t compare yourself to other people. Whether you’re poly or monogamous, every time you look at another person and say: “I’ll bet he likes them more than me.” You’re essentially saying “I don’t trust you, I don’t trust us, I don’t really believe that you want me like you say you do.” We are with you for a reason. Not receiving the desire we feel for you is deeply insulting.

5) Sacrifice. This is the deeper side of D/s, it’s where the givers separate themselves from the users. There is nothing that builds a connection faster than doing something unpleasant, when you don’t want to, without being asked, without seeking praise. It’s also very easy to take for granted, which is why you should take your time and don’t give yourself to a Dom who’s a shithead.

6) Own your tantrums. You have feelings, deep intense feelings, if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be a sub. I encourage you to learn to track when the kettle is about to boil so together we can point the steam in a safe direction. When you fuck up though, and I get a face full of hot water, and you say bad things, you need to accept that in the morning you’ll be held accountable for the things you said even if you didn’t really mean them. This can be a tough pill to swallow, which brings us to our next point:

7) Take it with grace. Ritual and submission are amazing tools to refocus the mind and de-escalate emotions, but the collar is not a magic ring, YOU make the magic. You make it by catching yourself, by breathing into your rituals, by transforming frustration and stress into submission and present moment awareness. Each repetition is a form of emotional alchemy much in the same way that CBT thought-stopping is, (that’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, not Cock and Ball Torture, you perverts).

8) Help us to evolve. I’m talking about recognizing that every human being is a little bit lost in their own way, and the difference is that Doms don’t have someone constantly fixating on how to guide us into being better versions of ourselves. Deftly guiding power figures in the directions they need to go is the forte’ of the masterful submissive, and the difference between that and manipulation is that you always have the person’s own interests at heart, even when they conflict with your own. It’s easy to love a Dom as an archetype or a caricature, but to evaluate a whole human being, and desire to kneel for them anyways is the deepest expression of love. You and I may have different toolboxes, but we are building the same house.

9) Stick around. Fact is, most subs vanish as soon as the honeymoon wears off. This phenomenon of women who beg for submission then pull the ripcord at 3-7 months once it’s no longer all about them makes Doms cynical, hard, and reluctant to engage, and further shrinks the pool of the few decent guys who can do this stuff well. I think a lot of this stems from the idea that Dominance is something that’s being done to you, and not with you. If you empower yourself as a co-creator of the dynamic, you’ll be able to make it last longer. I think it might also stem from the fact that a good chunk of lifestylers (both Dom and sub) are emotionally broken jackasses. Sorry, I’m a dick.

10) Cut us some ‘effin slack for god sakes. Being a Dom is a LOT of work, it requires time, focus, and a wide open emotional bandwidth. It takes discipline to hold your ground when things are difficult, knowing that if you repair them with vanilla ‘bargaining’ tactics you will also dissolve the dynamic in the process. As a sub starts to see you as more human, it gets harder. When she/he gets to the “resistance” stage of the relationship, it gets harder. As real life starts to throw you curve balls, it gets harder. Aside from the emotional aspect of things, what it takes to keep things fresh and interesting is an aspect that is hard to appreciate until you’re the one in charge. The thing they don’t tell you about being a Dom is that even if you have the gravitas to make a girl melt, if you don’t have the creativity to constantly invent and reinvent new twists on a very old theme, you’re just a tall dark stranger standing there with your dick in your hand. Sometimes I think this is why geeks end up being better Doms than their smokey eyed, jack-booted, ‘true dom’ counterparts.

The point here is that the big “D” takes more than you think and there are going to be days, even weeks when we’re not going to be able to pull it off. I can tell you from experience that nothing means more to a Dom than when you still keep your rituals even through the thin times. Holding that space shows your strength, and you can take tremendous pride in serving with poise where your vanilla counterpart might be nagging and whining. With your devotion you pull us back like a compass, beckoning towards what is truly important, this secret journey of trust and growth that we are both on together.

[quietboss]

Permission PSA

It’s been a little while and I want to go over the rules about permission again.

“Okay, but… did I make a mistake?”

No. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just want to make sure we go over this now and then so I know you understand and remember it completely.

“Okay. May I edge please?”

No. No touching right now.

“But-”

I said no.

“Okay.”

Now. What do you remember about how permission works?

“Um… I need your permission to touch and to cum.”

That’s true.

“And to use the bathroom or spend any money over twenty dollars, and-”

That’s all true, but that’s not what I’m talking about today.

“It’s not?”

No. I’m talking about the other kind of permission.

“The other…? Oh! Sir, no. I don’t like talking about that.”

I know you don’t. But it’s important.

“Sir, please. You have permission for everything always.”

No. That’s not how it works. Now that kind of talk only lets me know how important it is to go over this again.

“Nnnn… Sirrrrr…”

Take this seriously and we can get right back to regular things.

“Mh. Okay.”

Okay. So. We do a lot of play where I make you feel confused and forgetful right?

“Yes, Sir.”

Do I have your permission to play those kind of games with you?

“Yes, Sir. I want you to. I like feeling that way.”

Okay. And you know I won’t ever do anything really serious without having a talk like this with you first.

“Yes, but… um…”

What is it?

“What about my orgasms?”

What about them?

“When you took them away… I was really fuzzy from lots of edges and you got me all mixed up.”

Yes, I remember. You were a confused, drippy little mess.

“But, so that was okay because of the talk we had before?”

That’s right. We had a bunch of talks really. About how you wanted to give up cumming but you were scared. And we didn’t do it until you were sure, right?

“Mmhm.”

Hey, are you okay?

“Yes, Sir, I… I just kind of wish you didn’t keep reminding me. I like to think you just took them away when I was confused.”

I know. And we can play like that more, soon.”

“Okay.”

Do you remember what to do if you agree to something when you’re all confused and you’re not sure if you meant to?

“I tell you.”

You tell me what?

“I tell you that I need to talk about business.”

Good. If you tell me that, then I’ll know we need to have a talk like this one with no mind games or anything like that.

“Yes, Sir.”

Okay. And you remember your safe words?

“Yes, Sir.”

And you remember how important it is to use them if you need to?

“Yes, Sir. I remember.”

Okay. It’s very important to me because I can do some really mean stuff and I need to know you’ll use those words if it’s ever too much.

“I will. I promise.”

Good. You’ll never be in trouble for using them, and I know you’ll never do it unless you really need to.

“No, never.”

Good girl. Okay, one last thing. If you’re ever with someone after me, someone who doesn’t do this with you, in some way or another, or who talks about not believing in limits or not needing your consent. What do you do?

“I get away from him and find a better one.”

That’s right. There. That wasn’t so hard, was it?

“No, I guess not.”

Would you like to edge now?

“Oh, yes, please, Sir!”

Okay. Nice and close for me. I only want nice hard edges from my girl before I take them away from you.

[quietboss]

The Gateway Drug: Denial

So. Orgasm control. Wow. (I realise this is old news to much of Tumblr, but hey).

In a long term relationship, and want to spice it up? Not sure how? Well, there is a very simple answer.

Orgasm denial.

To the uninitiated, you probably think this just makes her hornier. Wrong! I mean, sure she's hornier, but... So. Much. More.

Is there something she would love to try, but is too scared? Scared of judgement, scared of labels, scared of her own self-image? Denial melts inhibitions.

Limits become fantasies. Fantasies become goals. Goals become treats. And treats are enjoyed on days ending in a "y"

Try it, you'll never look back

[quietboss]

Welcome to my blog!

I'm going to be using it for a record of our progress in embracing our new, improved lifestyle.

And re-posting porn. Obviously.

In April, as lockdown stole our lives and plans, we took a long look at ourselves and decided to add some spice. Now don't get me wrong, we thought we were pretty spicy already.

Looking back, we thought wrong.