quidtenere

[quidtenere]

Sticky words

Have you ever had one word just stuck on repeat in your head for a long time?

Shostakovich.

No idea why - it just randomly make itself known in my brain. 

Shostakovich.

I appreciate the composer - I’ve listened to his songs. His name just pop’s up in my mind now and then and I can’t stop saying it. 

Shah-sta-ko-vich. 

It’s fun to say - maybe it’s some sort of a mental pacifier. As if to just clear my brain and put it in reset. Do you have random fun words that you just like to say?

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A capsule hotel for the end of the world

I was a looking at a variety of capsule hotels at taking a tour around the location. The one I chose required a 4-Digit key code that I had to get into the room. I was wearing  a sort of gym uniform. My capsule room had just enough room for a cot and the cats litter box and carriers. The next thing I know, I'm taking a tour outside at what appeared to be a water park next to the hotel. I'm seeing friends go down inner tubes and seeing another friend who happened to be invisible going in a weird had oxygen/suit because he was wearing a Einstein mask to go into the water. So to hide the fact that he was invisible, he wore a mask and helmet.

Next thing I know, I'm coming back into this large communal space and it's like we are prepping for something. One individual cut his hand slightly and I said well I'll go get a band-aid. So I got the bandage and then I go into the auditorium where the Avengers that are sitting in there and the Band-Aid was for Tony Stark/Ironman. He’s all bandaged up anyway and trying to play it off like he's okay. So I can come up with this large grey bandage now and I'm trying to wrap his hand. Falcon asked what was going what's going on there and I told him that it was kinesis tape. On the big screen they are showing a movie but it's not actually a movie, it's what could happen to us if the Avengers don't win. They were talking about mummification so I asked, what do you mean and they said if we lose tomorrow basically the entire planet gets mummified. I have no idea what that particularly means, but I just know that it had me very upset and stressed and worried. So I left, and I decided to go back to my area where the capsule hotel was. 

The problem was that apparently the dance night classes were here and then they were full of young ballet and jazz dancers who were sitting and finishing their breakfast at a time that would be my dinner. I had to wait for them to leave so that I could get access to my room. When I got there, and I could not remember what my code was. So I walk into another friend's capsule room and he's just lying in bed and he's just found out something is wrong. Parts of his head were bandaged due to either an injury or, for some reason and not sure why I was thinking it, surgery. I don't know if he is unhappy, or if he's stressed from prepping for the fight tomorrow. Then his little sister gives me a little bowl of cat food, and she's maybe 2-3 years old. I can't stop crying because I know that this family now has experienced a loss. For some reason I can't figure out if it was a human or if it was a pet loss, because I think we were all eating the same food that looks like dry cat food. So then I'm now back out in the common area trying to figure out how to get into my locker which I don't remember which one's mine, and use my code which I don't remember either and ended up calling the building management.

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Owning solitude

Today I had a small outing with friends. We had a bowling game, we talked about numerous subjects, we had a great time. I came home by myself. I ended up getting a leftover Aussie meat pie and a mini can of Coke and I crawled into bed and I ate it while reading a bad murder mystery romance series. Looking at it, I think I can see where people would have a bit of pity at the situation. Maybe I'm coming to my own defense, but really, when I think about it, at least at this point; I'm a hard-working individual. That doesn't particularly excuse these moments. And I'm sure many would argue that we need to have more of these moments. But yes, I work hard throughout the week iron a pretty good living, the fact that I am able to come home to my own apartment that I pay for, that I can afford, I can pay the bills for a, I can still enjoy my Friday nights and indulge in a bit of revelry and drinking and food, about being able to have leftovers in bed and spread out and just enjoy you and yourself period I guess I'm saying is that if I'm trying to plan for my future, and the ideal way that I want it to be, I'll probably look back at these moments in slight envy and think about those times where I really reveled in my singlehood. who knows maybe I will have more moments of being alone, in bed, eating food that I shouldn't be eating in bed by myself, And thinking that this is all great. Maybe tomorrow I'm going to think wow, I was really depressing period all right now, I am really enjoying the fact that I have no one to offend, to consider. I am just myself, eating an Aussie meat pie in bed at almost 1 a.m., looking at the rain outside, reading a book, and enjoying the memories of good friends.

People are afraid of being alone. I am definitely one of them. I'm hoping these moments, brave enjoy my solitude, don't become moments that I fear. I hope I still remember and enjoy these moments of individuality in the future.

[quidtenere]

34 and more

I ended my birthday by coming home and taking a inappropriately long nap, waking up at a ridiculous time, and eating fried rice and drinking a Coke in bed. It was a really good day. As Sinatra sang, "Regrets, I've had a few". But that's part of learning isn't it? It's been an interesting year finding out what I can do independently and re figuring out who I am as a person. So as I had previously posted, this is the year of "This Is The Year". I'll take the risk and wear a bikini to the beach. I'll probably get a few more tattoos. I should take more trips. Reconnect with cousins. Rediscover who I am as a writer.

After working through anger issues, realizing that I don't express anger as often as I should and often repress it, being able to fully feel my anger has been a wonderful thing. I'm not saying that it's purged, but it's 90% gone for now. I say it that way because I hope not to hold back on my anger when I feel it anymore, and actually express it without letting it simmer within me. but now that it's mostly past I've been feeling a level of joy that I don't think I've really felt in years.

So here's to the year to come. I'm already eyeing you 35.

[quidtenere]

This is the year

This is the year of completing all of those self-promises I made saying that “this is the year”.

This is the year I actually do it. 

This is the year where I succumb blindly and willingly to the capitalist notion of “treat yo’self” because damnit, I work hard for the money and I want my money to work for me. 

This is the year I finally go as Mortica Addams for Halloween. 

This is the year I finally get knee surgery. 

This is the year that I get matching silverware and matching bed sheets. 

This is the year I start actually reading more. 

[quidtenere]

Womp womp

Ok, it’s been a while. Today is basically going to be verbal diarrhea. 

Do you find yourself still doing small childhood routines? For example, while eating a Kraft single today (I need to adult better and get real food) I realized that I did a thing that I used to when I was younger. When you lift the flap of the wrapped single, there is this little section of cheese that comes over the envelope section. If you fold it over just right, you have this little slice of cheese. I have no idea why I started doing that, but I remember doing it often as a kid. 

Maybe it was a bit of superstition? I used to have that when I was ready to sleep. I used to pray Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and if I didn’t yawn halfway through, then I would have to say the prayer all over again or else I wouldn’t be able to sleep. 

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So excited for this woman!

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Suqishy Purrbeast morning cuddles https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt8tCi6BeN_I1OVBZPnN5eN9YNMCqvI5p8mxT00/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=19quy8icrja1p

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WIP

I am not from soft stock 

I come from a people that traveled from the mouth of the river in China that means “Nine Dragons”

I come from a family who adopted a name to mean “shapeshifter” in the most threatening of ways. 

I come from a pilot who sacrificed himself and saved all his passengers in a plane crash. 

I come from a Guerilla warrior who christened his combatants as part of Invictus 

“In the fell clutch of circumstance, my head is bloody, but unbowed”

If you view me as soft, and as sweet - it is what gets me through the day 

But you are not always privy to the anger roiling within

I am here before you - allowing you a small peek into what lies beneath 

So burrow in your sweetness, your softness, and your gentle 

I would have offered you both - but I held you in kid gloves and let the idea of what could have been slip away

But since it was never going to be real, I’ll go back to that mad energy 

[quidtenere]

I am no man. 

[quidtenere]

Starks and the Roharihm

I basically had a fan fic GOT dream last night where I was in allegiance to House Stark. We were getting ready for a battle, and I was walking the grounds on patrol. The next thing that I remember is that the Roharihm had come down like the mountain versions of the Dothraki. Arya, Éowyn and I are standing at the gates of the house, by the firelight, planning the next battle. It was a wonderful, pretty violent end to the war with the three of us commiserating - bloody, ragged, tired. 

For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I am able to get in touch with that sort of, dreamy, creative wannabe I thought I was in college. Honestly, a lot of this has been a bunch of stream of consciousness. But I’m doing something more than just sitting and watching Hoarders on my couch until I fall asleep. 

I am angry and annoyed. There are times where I excuse the anger and try to turn it around into something positive. But, I’m feeling some positive about being angry. I’m finding different ways of dealing with it. 

Currently sketching out ideas for a new tattoo - heavily influenced by this dream.

[quidtenere]

Short portion of me trying to sing while playing my #uke. Here's to doing something that makes me nervous, but trying it anyway. https://www.instagram.com/p/BtkJgzNlQCU/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=11vya7w74cgt1

[quidtenere]

These are going into use tomorrow. 

[quidtenere]

The truth in our memories

I’m training myself to write in the morning by keeping a notebook by my bed. I found an old one from 2011 and read through the first part. Here’s a bit I’d like to elaborate on:

“I want to be a stock pot. You toss everything in it, stir every once and a while & then leave alone for a bit. But in the end, you’ll get something delicious. Maybe I’m just projecting about Nene Bebe’s [great aunt] magic pot.  I get memories of her now and then. Mainly of her sitting by the counter on a chair. The rotary phone is over her left shoulder. She’d be wearing a house dress/smock with two big pockets on either side. She'd motion to me because we were leaving. Sometimes I think she’s mumbling something in Bikol, but she’s always motioning for me to come near her. It’s automatic for me - I just reach into one of her pockets and I’ll find a surprise. Sometimes it a marshmallow candy shaped like a peanut. I’m pretty sure that I got a $1 bill one time. 

I wish I was older when I knew her to keep a better memory, a clearer image of who she was. 

I have this one, very vivid memory. I’m not sure if it’s true or a dream. Lolo [grandfather] is in his white doctor’s coat and we’re in a room that’s dim & seems huge. Nene Bebe is sitting on a table, in one of those paper hospital gowns. The light is focused and shining on her. 

I think they’re talking about her, but I don’t understand. I just remember Lolo, bright in his coat & Nene Bebe, bright in her hospital gown and the light seemingly focused on them in the middle of this room with her on the table; one leg dangling off the side and the other lay on the table.”

I tend to write as a stream of consciousness. I really need to go back and edit.

[quidtenere]

Winter Sun Cat may require some assembly.

[quidtenere]

WIP poem from 2017

We had a twin bed once where there was excitement at sharing the same small area trying to have our own space meant turning our backs to each other but we were a twin bed, and we didn't want to be separated 

We had a queen bed once We had grown in our love and our commitment we were no longer shifting to find a comfortable spot we were equal, side by side we weren't always 

sometimes we occupied the same spot while the other cooled at the lack of a body sometimes we laid on the edge, seeking warmth  sometimes we were diagonal, or parallel but we stayed on it together

I am now solely a part of a queen bed in my own sovereign space 

 At one time, I couldn't cross the barrier and stayed on my side as if to cross that invisible line we had created over the years  would be a form of betrayal and I would have pushed you completely off of that space

I am my own Queen on this foam mattress I reign now, over the memories made on this 60x80 inch space I don't know if my weary weight is pushing into the bed or if those memories are pushing me up

My queen bed has now changed spaces

I look at it sometimes and wonder, how we even fit it strangely looks too small for two people now but I have lined it with pillows for safety 

I shift on it diagonally 

I'll curl against the pillows

I'll wake up to the company of 3 cats as the sun rises 

Stretching across so that I can take up every inch of space