quicksilverarchive

[quicksilverarchive]

Interlude/(harrowing) aftermath

❗TW: suicidal ideation

8134 words

Back to masterposr

The sky has never looked clearer yet Kora’s mind has never been foggier.

The air on the balcony is cold. There’s a breeze, the city is buzzing with life once more and despite the sky being an endless black, there’s a couple of stars, a rare occurrence in Epicentral. Kora sits on the balcony of his empty apartment, fiddling with his gun. He sits on the cold floor, staring at the sky. He is not dressed for the cold, but that’s of little relevance now. His eyes can barely focus on anything. How long has it been since he’d last slept? How many days? He’s forgotten the count. He supposes that this is finally it.

It’s not the first time he finds himself in this position, and while he desperately hopes it is the last, he doubts it will be if he’s unsuccessful. There’s no reason for him to be, though. Kanyo is fine on his own, and his friends are either dead or perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. Sure, some people love him, but there aren’t any who can’t live without him. How long until they, too, will become just painful memories in the back of his head? It’s happened time and time again, he would be a fool to think this would have been the last.

The terrible, terrible guilt. This paralyzing fear. The overwhelming sadness, this pain and frustration, the numbness, the nights spent drunk, the senseless hookups and the knife that he can’t fall asleep without anymore, the nightmares, the insomnia, the pain in his arm, the coughing, the loss. The harrowing aftermath of a battle he thought he was capable of facing. He hates it, he hates being weak, and vulnerable. He didn’t want to get here. He never wants to get here, yet he finds himself back time and time again. The only reason is that he is a fucking coward. Sometimes, even at his best, he wonders what the world would be like if he wasn’t. If he hadn’t been.

His gun is cold. He runs his fingers over the metal, drawing circles on it. He didn’t want to get here. But he still did. He is tired, and in pain, and he doesn’t know what the hell he’s supposed to do anymore. Nothing is worth putting up with this.

Kanyo is blowing up his phone at the moment, he vaguely remembers. He doesn't know why he bothers. He’s been ignoring him for days.

Kora is very aware that he keeps distracting himself. He gets up, he shouldn't delay it any longer. The floor is cold. The air is cold. The gun is cold.

He walks closer to the balcony barrier. The city lights are so pretty. He’s always thought they’re pretty.

He feels calm, numb, even, yet his body is behaving like he’s panicking. His hands are shaking, his breaths are quick and short, and his heart beats so fast he can hear it.

…He raises the gun to his chin.

-

Died by suicide. What a pathetic death, huh?

-

Death isn’t supposed to scare him. He has died before in far worse ways.

-

The finger on the trigger seems to refuse to just move.

-

He can’t do this.

He draws in a shaky breath and lets the arm holding the gun fall. He falls to his knees, dropping the weapon with a clank and covering his face with his hands. He digs his nails into his skin, grabs onto his hair, and pulls it, he hits himself over the head repeatedly, grits his teeth, but makes no sound save for a whine. He soon picks the gun back up. This isn’t over, he can’t give up again, what else is he supposed to do?

~~~

Kanyo has been getting very concerned for his brother lately.

Kora has never been the outwardly sentimental type. Not because he lacks emotions, but because he’s afraid to be seen as weak, that much is clear. He is a liar, he lies to Kanyo, and he lies to himself, he hides behind petty, unpleasant behavior, thinking Kanyo can’t see past him trying to push everyone away. Kora has always been the type to hide his feelings, but not from Kanyo. Not until now. He’s never been the type to drink. Yet these days, Kanyo finds him drunk more often than not. So when he stopped picking up his phone again for two whole days, Kanyo couldn’t help but feel like something was very wrong.

He’s been meaning to go to his place and check up on him, but he’s just been absurdly busy. There’s an event tonight that he has to attend, but he’s decided to stop by Kora’s apartment on his way there, just to check if he’s fine.

It’s almost 11pm when he gets to Kora’s apartment building. He’s running a bit late, but that’s okay, he can deal with that. He takes the elevator up. He texts Kora that he’s gonna be dropping by (and receives no response). He fixes his hair in the mirror, waiting to get to the 48th floor. He still checks his phone from time to time, to see if Kora replied. He doesn’t.

He’s not counting on Kora to open the door, he’s got the spare pair of keys he’s essentially extorted from his brother for that. He knocks. No reply, of course. He knocks again. Nothing. He fits the heys into the keyhole, opening the door loudly, as to announce he’s here.

“Tatari!” He yells, peeking his head inside. “Tari, are you home?”

Silence.

The door creaks and clicks when he closes it. Kora’s phone lies untouched on the living room table. Kanyo walks upstairs, calls out for his brother once more, checks the rooms but doesn’t find anything. He walks back down, looking in Kora’s bedroom, and finally spots him out on the balcony. At first, he’s relieved. But quickly, relief turns into panic as he realizes Kora’s holding a gun against his chin.

For a moment, Kora turns his head slightly towards him. Just enough for Kanyo to know he’s seen him.

Kanyo doesn’t even sit to think about what he’s doing, he just bolts back into the living room and right out the balcony door.

“Tari!” He yells. “Tari what the hell are you doing?!”

Kora doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even move. He just stands there with his back at Kanyo, frozen like a statue. The only sign of life are his shoulders rising and falling semi-erratically as he breathes.

Kanyo can’t believe this is actually happening. He can’t believe Kora would actually even consider suicide, not to mention him trying to go trough with it, and the thought terrifies him. He’s at a loss. He’s handled this type of situation before, but never like this. Never with someone he knew.

He takes some steps forward.

“Stop.” Kora manages to say, his voice sounds strangled and coarse, his breathing becomes more erratic. “Stay- there.”

Kanyo does as he's told. He opens his mouth to speak, but can’t think of anything to say. He breathes deeply, he needs to be calm, he needs to calm down.

“Tari whatever is going through your head right now is not right. Just- Put the gun down, please, please we can talk about this.” He pleads. His tone is calm but he still can’t help the shake in his voice. He can’t help his trembling hands. But despite his pleas, Kora doesn’t move. “Listen to me, please. Please Tari, don't do this to me right now.” Kanyo continues to beg. “Please, I cannot take this right now, please, Gods, do not make me see your corpse. I cannot do this again. I am so sorry if there’s anything I missed, I am sorry I could not help with whatever brought you here but I am begging you-“

“Leave, Kanyo.” Kora whispers. “Please, just leave.”

“No fucking way.” Kanyo says through his teeth. “I am staying right here until you drop that fucking gun. If you are not not willing to do that then I beg of you, at least talk to me!”

“There’s so many things you don’t know.”

“Then tell me.” Kanyo yells. “Talk to me! Scream, cry, anything, just please not this! Anything but this!” He continues.

Kora still doesn’t move. Kanyo closes his eyes tightly and keeps pleading with him.

“Please, please Tatari, please, I cannot do this right now, I...“ he says quietly. “Just drop that weapon and let us talk, please, I am begging you. I am begging you. “

Kora’s breathing seems like it’s getting more erratic, his shoulders tense up, his tail is twitching from side to side really fast. He makes a small, strangled noise, Kanyo can see that he slightly raised his head.

”Kora!” He yells before he can even think. “Tatari stop this! Just stop! Stop, stop-“ he pleads, taking another step or two to reach his brother.

Then, all of a sudden, Kora lets the arm holding the gun fall. He falls to his knees with a barely audible yelp, his hands grabbing onto his hair as Kanyo kneels down behind him, grabbing the gun from the floor and sliding it away from him. Kanyo grabs him by the shoulders and (almost violently) turns him away from the balcony rail and facing him. His arms are covering his face, he’s making strangled noises somewhat resembling sobs.

“Listen to me,” Kanyo says with an authoritative tone, in spite of himself. “Did you take anything? Did you do anything else? Did you drink anything? Do I need to call an ambulance?” Kora shakes his head. “Are you sure? You can tell me. You have to tell me, okay?” “There’s nothing.” Kora says quietly, still shaking his head. Kanyo lets himself breathe a sigh of relief. It’s all right. They’re gonna be alright.

“You fucking idiot.” he says, all authority in his voice replaced by shaky uncertainty. “How could you…? How dare you…”

Kora responds with a proper sob. He leans his head on Kanyo’s chest, his hands desperately grabbing onto his previously flawless suit.

“They should’ve let me die in the rubble. I wish they had never found me. I wish they had left me dead as they found me.” Kora sobs.

“Stop saying that, please.” Kanyo replies quietly, choked up.

“I’m sorry.” He says between gasps. “I’m so sorry, please, please don’t leave.”

Kanyo leans his head on his brother’s and hugs him back.

“I won’t.” He says. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you moron alone.”

They sit like that for a bit, no words exchanged between them. Five seconds, five hours, time feels unreal for both. The noises of the night city are the only thing that interrupt Kora’s sobs.

Kanyo forces himself to get his shit together first. He notices that it’s really cold out here.

“You are trembling,” he tells Kora. It’s true. “You are cold.” He adds, looking at the thin t-shirt his brother is wearing out in fucking February. “We need to get back inside.”

He tries to get up slowly, but Kora doesn’t seem to be very willing to move. Kanyo has to pull him off the floor, help him stand up, and painstakingly make his way back inside with a less than present Kora. He throws a look at the gun when he walks by it and notes that he’s gotta do something about it.

Once inside, he leaves Kora on the couch, where he curls up in a corner. He’s barely moving, he isn’t making a single sound, he’s just staring at the ground with tired, glassy eyes. Kanyo goes back to close the balcony door (and locks it for good measure) then comes and sits on the other end of the couch, burying his face in his hands. He takes a deep breath and turns to Kora again.

“Hey, can you hear me?” He asks quietly, almost in a whisper. “You can nod, you don’t have to talk ”

Kora moves his head up and down, without breaking his blank stare. “We are going to talk about this tomorrow, okay?” Kora gives a little nod again. “You need sleep.” Kanyo adds, looking at Kora’s unnaturally dark eye bags. “How long has it been since you last slept?”

“I dunno.” Kora whispers after a few seconds of silence.

“Well you should sleep now. Do you want to stay here or do you want to go to the bedroom?”

“Here.” he mumbles.

“Okay. Then I’ll go fetch some blankets. Sit here and do not move.“ Kanyo says while getting up.

“Please don’t leave,” Kora says quietly.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” his brother reassures him.

He searches for wherever Kora keeps his bedsheets in his bedroom but he finds absolutely none. He’s not sure if this is because he doesn’t have any or just because he doesn’t keep them here. He grabs the blanket on the bed, it’s really quite big, but it’s the only one he could find. He comes back to the living room to find Kora hasn’t moved an inch.

“You should lay down. You need sleep.” He repeats. Kora ever so slightly turns his head toward him, looking at him for a few seconds, after looking away again.

“Can you stay?” He asks. The question is barely audible.

“I will. I promise.”

Kora shifts in place and finally lays down, curling up in the corner of the couch, barely taking up any space. Kanyo throws the blanket on top of him, he doesn’t react. He sits down on the floor, leaning on the couch, resting his head next to Kora’s. They sit like that for a while, in silence. They’re both exhausted. Kanyo sometimes throws Kora a look to check if he’s asleep. It doesn’t take too long for that to happen. Kora’s completely drained.

After his brother is asleep, Kanyo finally gets to check his phone. He’s probably in great trouble, he’s barely had any time to think about the fact that he’s missing a huge event without any notice. Kettei’s been blowing up his phone for the last hour and a half, and he doesn’t blame her. He sighs and closes his eyes. He’s so tired. The event doesn’t even matter at this point. He’s probably going to freak out about it tomorrow, but right now, it seems completely irrelevant. But he still needs to pick up. He gets up slowly, so as to not wake up Kora, and goes to the bedroom to call Kettei. It’s almost 1 am. The event must be almost over by now, but even if he had time to make it there, Kanyo can’t leave Kora by himself right now.

It takes a bit for Kettei to pick up. She doesn’t pick up the first time he calls her, but she quickly calls him back. He takes a deep breath, and picks up.

“Good evening.”

“Kanyo where the fuck are you?!” Kettei says on the other side of the line. She sounds absolutely livid.

“I apologize, something came up.” He answers, in a flat, emotionless tone. Kettei doesn’t say anything for a few seconds.

“Are you okay?” She asks. “Are you safe? What happened?”

Kanyo sits for a moment, surprised. It is true that it’s out of character for him to miss events and work related things, but he can’t help but be taken aback by Kettei’s concern.

“No, I’m- I will be fine. Do not worry about me. I am just really sorry I could not make it.”

Kettei scoffs.

“You better be! Do you have any idea how much kiss-assery I had to do to get these people to forgive your absence?! I’m still not sure they actually did! They’re fucking insane.”

“Tell me about it.” He says, with a small chuckle.

“Seriously though, are you fine right now? What happened, what came up?”

“I am safe and the thing that came up is over. But I really cannot talk about it now. I am sorry.”

Kanyo wonders if he would ever be able to talk about it. It’s absolutely not his place to tell Kettei about what unfolded tonight. And yet, he can’t help but feel like he needs to tell someone.

“Did anybody get hurt? Just, let me know if you need any help, okay? This thing is wrapping up anyways so don’t feel like you’re inconveniencing me or anything.”

“Thanks Kettei, I really appreciate it. Everything is fine right now. I might take a bit of time off though.”

Kettei pauses for a little, as if she’s making up her mind.

“Fine, but you owe me an explanation.” She finally says in an authoritative tone. Right after that, Kanyo can hear someone calling her in the background of the call. “One second!” He can hear her yell away from the mic. She soon returns to him:

“I need to go right now, but call me if you need anything”

“Will do. Good night, capitaine.” Kanyo says.

“Take care, kid.” She answers, before hanging up the phone.

Kanyo rubs his face, he feels very tired but he doesn’t know if it’s wise for him to try to sleep. He checks on Kora again then goes upstairs to the kitchen and gets a glass of water before coming back downstairs. He sits on the floor once again and lays his head next to Kora’s. He stares at him while he sleeps. He’s so still. Deadly still. A chill passes down Kanyo’s spine, and he presses two of his fingers on one of Kora’s wrist to see if he’s still got a pulse. Just to make sure.

He is incredibly relieved that he got here in time, that Kora is okay. But then why does he feel so angry with him? His brother is hurting so much, he has no right to be mad at him. Yet, he can’t help but get angry. What if he wasn’t here tonight? What if Kora would’ve gone through with it? How could he leave him all by himself? Forever! Gone forever! After all the effort to keep him alive!

He swallows a heavy knot that seems to be stuck in his throat. He keeps thinking back of how his heart sunk the moment he saw Tari with that gun. Why…? Sure, he’s had a hard life, Kanyo won’t deny that, and he’s probably hurting a lot. But why didn’t he come to him? Why would he resort to suicide before resorting to talking with him? He just doesn’t get it. The thought of getting a call that Kora’s dead or finding his body with a bullet in his head terrifies Kanyo so much. It seems selfish to feel all these feelings, he’s not supposed to be the one hurt, but he can’t help them. He can’t help the knot that just won’t leave his throat. He can’t help his eyes stinging.

He leans on the couch and shifts his head to where it touches Kora’s. Maybe a bit of sleep won’t hurt. He’s just so tired.

He’ll fix this. Tomorrow, he will fix this. He has to.

~~~

Kora hates nightmares. They’re, perhaps, one of the worst consequences of his ever declining mental state. He looses sleep to avoid them, because nightmares don’t discriminate. Everything he’s ever lived through, every bad thing, every horrible experience, all of those feelings mix into his dreams. Sometimes he wanders the white forest endlessly. He sees blood wherever he turns. Sometimes it’s the forest of dust. It’s always quiet. Death, blood, and quiet cold. Always the same. Now, as of recently, there’s also water. The feeling of drowning, the endless darkness. Constantly swimming deeper and deeper to try and grab onto something he can never reach. And those are just the most common, recurring ones. He always wakes up in a panic, if not straight up screaming. He hates feeling so powerless against them. Tonight, waking up from one is even worse than usual.

He panics. Where is he? What was he doing? The dream is fading from his mind, all he can remember is dread, eating away at the inside of his chest. He scrambles to grab a hold of something, this isn’t his bed, it’s dark, what is going on, where is he? His breaths feel heavy and his palms are sweaty. He gets up and pushes against the blanket, accidentally pushing himself off the couch. He hit something… someone? Oh. Kanyo. That’s right.

Oh shit.

Oh shit he screwed up. His mind’s still foggy, but he feels more lucid, lucid enough to tell that he monumentally fucked up last night. Kanyo, who was leaning with his head on the couch, pushes Kora off of him in a confused haze.

“Tari?” He mumbles. “What are you doing?”

Kora stares at him for a long second, trying to calm his breath. Kanyo looks up at him and they make eye contact. They both awkwardly sit on the floor for a bit staring at one another.

“Nightmare?” Kanyo asks.

“Yeah,” Kora mumbles. “Sorry I didn’t mean to- wake you up”

Kanyo rolls his eyes. “Shut the hell up” he says to his surprise, grabbing him by the shoulders. “Are you okay? How are you feeling?”

“I, uh.” Kora stumbles on words. “Not… not great.”

“Can I do anything?” He asks. Kora shakes his head.

Kanyo picks up his phone, checks it for a second then puts it back. “It’s only 3 AM,” he says. “You should go back to sleep.”

“I dont… I don't want to,” Kora whispers, looking down at his hands.

“I will be right here. If you are having another nightmare I can wake you up.”

“You should sleep too,” he says, shaking his head.

“Not unless you are sleeping.”

Kora rolls his eyes and huffs. “Fine.”

“Do you want to stay here or do you want to move to the bedroom?” Kanyo asks.

“Don’t care.”

“Okay, then stay here. Come on-“ he says, as he gets up and pulls Kora up with him. “I’ll go fetch myself some water, do you need anything?”

“Water, yeah. And my sleeping meds would be useful.”

“Do you need sleeping meds? I mean, I am not judging you , but you already fell asleep once, right?”

Kora can’t help but chuckle. “Trust me, I do.” he says, throwing himself back on the couch. Kanyo just nods and leaves.

The second he leaves, one thought begins playing in Kora’s head on loop. Hold yourself together. He doesn’t feel any calmer than when he fell asleep. He feels even worse after the initial numbness has faded. And on top of that, he’s even more tired than before. Maybe sleep will fix this, it’s far easier to sleep with Kanyo around. But it doesn’t seem to be fixing shit right now, as he is growing increasingly more restless. The dread from the nightmare is yet to fade. He’s fairly certain he’s at the edge of a panic attack and he has no idea what he’s supposed to do about it. Breathing? Counting? Seems trivial right now. Should he call Kanyo? What could he even do about it? His breathing grows from jittery to straight up erratic and a horrible realization hits him: he can’t hold himself together.

He covers his ears, even if he’s aware there’s almost no sound to block out, he feels his tail curl around his knees, which he pulls close to his chest. It hurts. It physically hurts. His left hand clenches my shirt as I hunch over even more. He makes no sound. At this point, he feels like he wants to scream, but he can’t make any noise. His breathing starts to sound more like wheezing, I struggle to get enough air, I feel like I’m suffocating. I’m drowning. I’m drowning. Is this his lungs being fucked? Does he need that gods forsaken inhaler? He has no idea where it even is, probably in the bedroom somewhere. The feeling of dread intensifies, he knows what is happening to him but he can’t help it. He knows he is not dying but his mind tells him otherwise. And what if he is dying, after all? Last time he died, it was because of a lack of oxygen. Wouldn’t it be funny if he died like this after failing to kill himself?

He gets startled by a hand grabbing his right wrist. It’s Kanyo. It’s just Kanyo.

“Stay away!” he says between desperate gasps. “Don’t- don't touch me! Don‘t-“

“All right, all right!” Kanyo says, taking a step back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think- are you all right?”

“Obviously not!” Kora growls, pressing on his chest even harder with his left arm. His voice sounds strangled and hoarse and he can’t help but to think that it’s because his lungs are gonna give out any minute.

“Uh, all right- um. Can I do anything? Do you want water?”

“No.” Kora says sharply, the words followed by a wheezing noise. He is dying. He is certain of it. He brings his other arm to his chest, pressing onto it with both hands, it hurts, it hurts so much.

“I’ll just. Sit down here.” Kanyo says quietly. “Let me know if you need anything.”

I shut my eyes tightly. If this is how he dies, it might be pathetic but it sure is warranted. He’s suffocating. Why? Why doesn’t he have enough air when he’s breathing so fast? Kanyo’s watching him. Kora hates it. He hates Kanyo seeing him like this. In spite of that, there’s nobody else here to help him. So he calls out anyways

“Help” he manages to say. “I- I can’t- it won’t-“ Kanyo gets up quickly. “…breathe.” I finally managed to get out.

“Can you try to mirror my breathing?” Kanyo asks softly. Kora nods- or at least tries to. He tries to copy his breathing. His breaths are shaky and usually far shorter than Kanyo’s but he tries. He breathes in and out, deep breaths.

“We’re okay.” Kanyo whispers after maybe a minute or so. “See? You’re doing fine.” Kora buries his face in his hands. His breathing is better, but still shaky, his heart is not beating as fast, but it’s still pounding out of his chest.

“Water?” he asks quietly. Kanyo passes him the cup he’s brought and Kora downs it in one go. He holds the empty cup with shaky hands. He closes his eyes again, his head feels heavy and his chest feels sharp. He needs to calm down before something else sets him off.

“Talk,” he tells Kanyo while he’s passing him the cup.

“What?”

“Talk. Anything.”

Kanyo looks slightly confused.

“Does that help? All right then, um. Hm, what am I supposed to talk about?” he wonders, speaking fast. “Well, uh, for starters I did not know where your sleeping pills actually are, apologies. I did find some calmants though, it says it is some kind of Be-benzo… diazepi… benzodiazepin…? Well, it is written on the box, whatever that means, although I am not sure -“

“Sleeping pills. Temazepam. Yes.” Kora interrupts. The words are short and hoarse.

“Okay I’ll give you one. Do you need to swallow them with water? I can give you my glass,” Kanyo briefly stops and turns to pick up the glass of water he got for himself, “here you go. Be careful not to drop it.” Kora pushed the glass down with his hand, and raises two fingers at him. ”You need two pills?” Kanyo asks, and he nods. He gets them, he downs them with water. Kanyo takes the glass down next to the couch then he gets up and slowly, sitting down on the couch next to Kora. He isn’t touching him, and Kora is very grateful for that.

“You know how I was supposed to have an event tonight?” he asks. Kora’s heart sinks, his head snaps to the right to look at him. He perhaps notices, because he quickly adds: “do not worry about making me miss it, it is completely fine, they handled it, and also I chose to miss it so it is my responsibility. Please do not work yourself up over it.” He throws Kora a look. “Regardless, that is not what I meant to say. I meant to tell you about this thing that happened. So we just fought and won a whole revolution in an attempt to stand on equal footing with the humans? We thought that it would be only fitting that we attended in benta-rai instead of human clothes, just as a little symbol.”

“You like human clothes,” Kora says quietly.

“I do, indeed. But again, this was supposed to be more of a symbolic gesture. I feel like I owe it.” He says, pausing for a second. “Just because I am open to adapt for humans doesn’t mean everyone should have to. This took me far too long to figure out.”

Kora huffs with amusement. Truly too long.

“Anyhow, we asked them what the dress code was, just to check if it was not something like casual attire, and they did not respond for a whole week, until two days before the event, they sent out some emails that, given the simplicity of the questions, were oddly specific. Apparently, we could only attend in tailored suits, specifically the human kind. And honestly that does not specifically bother me? But just on principle, it was quite rude. Kettei was pissed. She completely disregarded that thing and went in Rindia attire. I admire her courage, I honestly wanted to obey the dress code just to keep the peace. But I do need to start attending these in creature attire more often.”

He turns to look at Kora.

“Are you doing all right? Do you need me to go on? Should I stop?”

Kora lets out a shaky breath, trying to get his voice working.

“I’m better,” he says. “You can stop if you want to.”

Kanyo looks at him for another long moment.

“Normally I would go on. But we both need to rest. Can I touch you?” Kora nods. “All right,” he says, shifting closer to him. He touches Kora’s arm, then puts his hand on his shoulder.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks quietly.

“The nightmare?” Kora whispers. “Not much to say. I don’t remember what it was.”

Kanyo sighs, a strange expression laid on his face, he rubs Kora’s shoulder.

“Let’s go to sleep.” He says quietly. “I’ll go drink some water, are you okay on your own?” Kora nods. “Good, try to get some rest, I’ll be right down. All right?”

Kora shifts in place and leans his head on his knees. Kanyo pats him on the back once then gets up and leaves. Kora lays on his side, curling up.

His brother soon returns. He picks the blanket off the floor and throws it on top of Kora. After that, he sits down next to the couch.

“Won't you sleep?” Kora asks.

“I will. Don’t worry about me. Just try to rest.”

The sleeping meds and the exhaustion seem to take effect in due time. They don’t always work, but now, Kora doesn’t find it too hard to slip into slumber.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. He doubts it, but maybe.

—-

Kanyo doesn’t know him, not truly. He says that he understands, and that he’s okay with the person Kora has become, but he doesn’t know the person Kora has become.

Kora lies back down for a while. His head feels strangely light in a less than comfortable way. He shuts his eyes, even though he knows he’s been lucky to get as much sleep as he already did. Kayo’s gonna want to talk when he wakes up.

It’s unclear for how long Kora sits there, not asleep yet not really awake, letting his mind wander somewhere far away, to a blank empty space. By the time Kanyo wakes up, the sun is already well up and the room is full of light. Kora hears him move and get up.

“You awake?” Kora asks, rubbing his face.

“Yes, good morning. How are you?” Kanyo responds.

“Fine.” He lies. “Still a bit tired but fine.”

Kanyo comes around the couch and leans right above Kora. They make eye contact.

“Are you sure?” He asks.

“Mhm” Kora says, closing his eyes. “I just wanna linger here a little longer.”

“Should I make breakfast then?”

“I don’t have food here.”

Kanyo looks puzzled for a few seconds, slightly tilting his head to the side.

“Then… what do you eat?”

“I dunno, takeout?”

He rolls his eyes and walks a bit farther from the couch.

“Do you have coffee?” He asks.

“Obviously”

“Do you want some?”

“Yes actually.” Honestly, now that he thinks about it, he’s pretty certain that if he doesn't get coffee soon, he is going to literally die. Well, maybe that’s a bit extreme, but the sentiment still stands.

Kanyo makes a humming noise and then leaves to go upstairs. Kora is once more left in silence. He continues to sit there lying on his back, fiddling with his fingers. Damn, he really fucked up monumentally last night, huh? He had assumed Kanyo would be off to whatever event he had. Well, he would’ve been there, if it wasn’t for Kora…

It’s not long until Kanyo comes back with coffee. He’s made two cups, one for himself, presumably. Kora sits upright as he gets handed the cup, and Kanyo sits down beside him. It’s not the kind of coffee Kora usually drinks, it’s not as concentrated, Kanyo’s probably added milk and sugar to it which Kora don’t usually do, but he’ll take what he’s given. He takes a sip. It’s sweet. Kanyo also takes some sips out of his coffee. They sit in silence for a minute or two until he speaks up.

“You know we need to talk about last night, right?” He says. Kora sighs.

“Yeah I do.”

Silence lies between them once more. Neither of them seem to be able to find the words they are looking for. Kora puts his cup of coffee down on the coffee table.

“I believe you should start with telling me about what was going on through your head?” Kanyo says, not looking at him. His tone is calm, patient, yet Kora thinks he hears a bit of anger. He is getting very nervous.

“Kanyo, I-“ he starts, but a knot gets stuck in his throat halfway through the sentence. He swallows it down and draws in a shaky breath. “There’s so much. So much stuff that happened for such a long time… I don’t know.”

“Let us start with last night.” Kanyo says softly. “What happened last night?”

“You know what happened, you were there.”

“Yes, but…” Kanyo stops, pondering on his words. “This… isn’t the best thing to ask, I know, but… why?”

Kora sighs and leans his head back, silent.

“All right…” Kanyo says. “You do not have to give me a concise reason, just. How were you… feeling? What were you feeling?”

“Nothing.” Kora says, almost in a whisper.

Kanyo hums. He doubts that's the answer he was looking for.

“For how long have you been feeling… nothing?” He asks.

“I guess just last night.” Kora says quietly. “And other times before that.”

Neither of them say anything. He’s not sure why, maybe he’s said something he wasn’t supposed to. He takes a deep breath.

“Before that, I felt a lot of things. I felt tired the most.”

Kanyo nods. “Can you tell why?” He asks.

Kora hesitates. He doesn’t know how to put it. “I guess it feels like this is never over. The same thing happens over and over and I’m…” He throws Kanyo a look. He seems to be listening, Kora can’t quite read his expression. He takes notice of the fact that he’s been intensely scratching the back of his neck ever since they started talking. “Everything always falls to pieces and I’m always left to put them back together,” he continues. “But I’m so tired. I keep losing the life I fight to build over and over, and I’m just tired of it. Hell, even the Hyve, sure I can go back there, but can I really? Most Hyveans have their whole families down there, childhood buddies, relatives, friends. When you’re an outsider, you only have the friends, the family you build for yourself, you know? And it’s kind of hard to keep on living normally after, well…” He stops. He doesn’t want to talk about this. He doesn't want to think about this. But he started talking, so he did it to himself. “After half of those people are dead,” he finally, barely manages to say. He clenches his teeth and hunch over, trying to shake off this terrible feeling. Kanyo moves closer and puts one of his hands on Kora’s shoulder. “Take it easy.” He says. “We can stop at any time if you want to.”

Kora looks at him. He seems concerned and Kora feels terrible for putting him through this.

“I’m… fine,” he lies once more. This time however , it doesn’t sound as convincing.

“It is okay to not be fine,” Kanyo says, rubbing his shoulder. “You know that, right?”

“I-“ he tries, stopped by a voice crack. “It’s not. It’s not okay, none of this is okay-“

Kanyo grabs his other shoulder firmly and looks at him. “Hey. It’s going to be alright.” He whispers. Kora wants to believe him, he truly does, but the image of bloody water won’t leave his mind, and the smell of smoke is forever stuck in his throat. Every time he looks at his hands, he smells burning flesh, sees the charred skin peeling off of them. He dreams of the man whose face I shot off, he sees corpse of a little human girl sticking out from beneath the rubble, the soldier I tried to save who got shot in front of him, who had begged to go home to their family. He sometimes thinks he sees the wasp he led to her death in crowds. It’s like Spider all over again. The image of Sharpie’s rotting corpse is burned on the back of his eyelids. It’s not alright, it’s never going to be alright.

He tries to keep himself together, to stop spiraling before yet another embarrassing breakdown, but it’s no use. He makes a strange gasping noise, his eyes sting, he hates this, he hates this so much, but he can’t help the sobs that soon follow, no matter how much he pulls on his hair or clenches his teeth. Kanyo doesn’t say anything. If he’s judging hom, he’s not showing it. He instead pulls him closer in a hug. Kora leans his head on his shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably. He feels pathetic. They were supposed to be talking, why is he acting like this? He pushes himself away from Kanyo, trying to stop the pointless whimpering, trying to breathe.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I don’t know why I’m doing this.” He doesn’t look at Kanyo, he doesn’t want to see him pitying or judging him. “It’s so fucking pathetic.” He rubs the tears from his eyes.

“It is really not.” Kanyo says, reaching out to grab or touch him.

“Don’t.” Kora snaps, turning his head away from him. He backs off a bit, which Kora is very grateful for.

“This is normal, Tari.” Kanyo says softly. “You’ve been through a lot in the past year, it would be concerning if you did not have these feelings.”

“I don’t care about how normal they are, I just want them to stop! My mind is only silent when I’m passed out or black out drunk, I can’t live like this.”

Kanyo doesn’t answer immediately. He’s left staring at Kora for what feels like a long time. When he does speak, Kora can’t help but think he himself sounds tired.

“I am not good with things like these.” He admits. “You know what I am going to suggest and I know what you are going to answer.”

“I am not seeing a shrink again,” Kora snaps. “It doesn’t fucking help. I know what’s wrong with me, I know their damned coping mechanisms, there’s nothing they can teach me anymore. What, they’re gonna tell me I have PTSD now? Great fucking news, I already had it to begin with!”

Kanyo sighs. “I want to help you, I really do.” He says quietly. “But I do not know how.”

“You are helping,” Kora grumbles, hugging his knees.

“I wish I could do more…” he answers. They are silent for a little while, until Kanyo talks again.

“Do you want to stop? It’s fine if you do.”

“I don’t. I just- I don’t know what to say.”

“We can keep asking questions if you want to.” I sigh and nod. Questions is fine. Kanyo takes a deep breath before he continues.

“What tipped you over the edge?” he asks.

“It’s not one thing, Kanyo!” Kora yells. “I’m tired and miserable,” he says more quietly. “I’m haunted by memories, I’ve lost so many people and the thought that I'll never see them again is unbearable. I don’t see myself ever living a happy life, and even if I somehow do, that will eventually end too. Everyone I care about dies and I can’t do anything about it.” Kora feels really choked up, but he goes on. “My body is fucked, everything hurts all the damn time, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do shit anymore. I want control,” he growls. “And if this is the only way I’ll get it then I’ll…”

His voice fails him. He lets out a shaky sigh.

“It is okay, take your time.” Kanyo says. After a long break, he asks. “Why did you not… tell me? Why did you cut everyone out? What-“ he stops suddenly. “Tari, for how long have you been planning this?” he asks, his voice now lower and far quieter.

“Planned is not the best word.” Kora sighs. “I‘ve… thought about it. A lot. I wanted to do it, so…yeah, I didn’t want you guys to be upset over it, you know?”

“That’s insane, neither me or your friends could just get over you committing suicide!” Kanyo yells, revolted. “Sorry, it’s just- They came looking for you!“ he continues, now far quieter. “They wanted to know if you’re safe! It would destroy them, Tari! It would destroy me!”

“I know. I know, I just… I don’t want to die, Kanyo. I just feel like it’s the only thing I can do. But I’m scared of it, I’m a coward, if I wasn’t this would’ve been over a long time ago. I’d be an stupid to think it’s the last time it gets to this point.”

“What do you mean by that, Tatari?” Kanyo says slowly, in a low tone, and it strikes Kora that he’s made it worse.

“Nothing,” he says quickly. “Just thinking out loud.

“Do not take me for a fool, Tari.” Kanyo looks straight at him. “What do you mean?”

“Just… ask something else.” Kora covers his face

“This has happened before, has it not?” Kanyo says quietly. “You told me about it once, when we were young.”

“It never went away,” Kora laughs. “It never goes away. It’s always there, in the back of my mind, wondering what would happen if I just walked into traffic one day, if I just took one too many pills, it’s always, even when I’m at my best.” He talks faster and faster. “And I’m always a coward, I always hope things will work out next time but they never do. I tried it so many times, and I can never…” he gives up, sighing, choked up.

“And I didn’t know about any of it. Any of it. Do you trust me that little, Tatari?” Kora looks up at him, taken aback. No, no that is not it. That is not it at all. “Why did you never tell me about how bad it got? When you told me back in the day, I thought… it was a hard patch, I did not give it much thought, I thought it was just a fleeting thing. All these years and I never- I never knew-“ Kanyo stops, running his fingers through his hair. “Why, why did you not talk to me? Did you talk to anyone in general? Or did you just-“

“Kanyo, I couldn’t have talked to you.” I say hoarsely.

“Why could you not? Did I ever make you feel like you could not? Why did you not talk to me straight away? From the beginning? We could have figured it out-“

“You were six when it started,” Kora yells, almost involuntarily. “You were a kid, what kind of monster would I need to be to put that kind of pressure… on you…?” His voice fades near the end. Kanyo just stares at him, horrified. He buries his face in his knees and covers his head with his arms.

“You were… ten.” He says with a trembling voice. “You were a kid, Tari. You- you tried to… end your life at ten?”

“I was scared,” he says quietly, on the brink of tears. Kanyo moves next to him, leaning on him, hugging him even, but he doesn’t find the strength to move.

“I’m so sorry.” He says quietly. “We can stop. I’m so sorry, I let my feelings get the best of me. I shouldn’t have pushed, I won’t anymore. I just- I’m scared too. I’m supposed to be helping you but I can’t even- I’m so sorry.”

Kora moves his head slightly in a way that he touches his brother’s, and they both sit unmoved for a long while. Kora is too tired to speak. He doubts he has enough energy left in him to cry. This discussion is over, but this topic certainly isn’t. Sucks.

——

Kanyo keeps his word and doesn’t press him to talk anymore. They both know that they will have to, at some point soon, but today they’re both exhausted, and he stops pushing. Kanyo takes time off work for the next couple of days to keep an eye on Kora (although he doesn’t put it like that). They spend the day doing… nothing in particular, really. They order takeout, watch TV, they barely talk to one another despite always being in close proximity Near the evening, Kora shows Kanyo some of his tech trinkets - I can’t really show him any of the real weapons or any other things of the ilegal variety, but he still has a bunch of little things he’s made when he was bored (or drunk. Mostly drunk). One of his less-than-sober moments somehow made him think it would be a brilliant idea to add a liquid reservoir to one of his energy guns, because shooting liquid magic would be cool. It’s extremely impractical, since liquid magic is very hard to make (and he can't make it). It would also melt the weapon. So now it’s a glorified water gun. Kanyo seems to be really fond of it though- Kora always forgets how rarely he gets to see the things he builds.

At night, Kora doesn’t manage to fall asleep again. He was lucky enough to get one night’s sleep the day before, but it’s still inconvenient. Kanyo is asleep, and as Kora sits still in bed, his thoughts starts to spiral again. He goes out on the balcony, like he usually does. It’s very cold, but the cold keeps him grounded. Kanyo finds him there after what’s probably like 15 minutes. He’s not articulately pleased.

Naturally, after two nights of being out in the cold in nothing but an old T-shirt, Koea catches a cold.

It’s easier to deal with things when his brother is around. But it’s still hard. Grief is one hell of a disease, some days it eats him alive. And yet, Kora can’t help but think, hope, even: maybe one day it’ll be easy enough for him to be able to live with it. Maybe, there is hope. It’s still nothing but a fleeting thought, but its sparse presence brings him some comfort.

[quicksilverarchive]

Confession

CW: substances

2870 words

Back to masterpost

It’s 2 am and Kora’s had to leave everything to go get Malani. Jade called him, and he can’t help but worry. This is normal for him, it’s nothing new, but Kora feels so out of his depth.

He has a key to Malani’s place, after too many nights like this, and he’s relieved that he’s at least following him without much complaint. However, that doesn’t exactly mean he’s shutting up either.

“Rain’s so weird, like it’s water from the sky man, the same water that’s in the ground.” He's been rambling almost nonstop since they met up. “So like, if you had a bucket or something and held it in the rain, you could get infinite water. And then you could sell it for a profit because it doesn’t cost anything to produce. It makes itself! And you can use it to water trees, so wood makes itself too.” He’s restless, constantly bouncing from one foot to the other. At this point, Kora is astonished that he can even find anything new to talk about.

He finally fits the key in the keyhole and unlocks the door. He lets Malani walk in front of him, before also stepping into his apartment. It’s still raining outside, lightning flashes from the window before Kora can even turn the lights on. He takes off his soaked jacket, hanging it on the clothes hanger next to the door. Malani is somehow still talking, standing in the middle of the living room, water dripping off of him.

“Get that off, you’re soaked.” Kora comes closer to him, grabbing his jacket and pulling it off. Malani shuts up for a second, he looks up at Kora, making no effort to help undress himself. Kora hauls the jacket towards the entrance, it lands somewhere on the floor. He’ll take care of that later. He looks back at Malani. His pupils are huge, and notices the little bit of dry blood under his nose. “Are you bleeding?” He asks, grabbing his face and tries to wipe the blood away. “What did you take?” Malani is incredibly sweaty, even with the rainwater on his face, his skin feels sticky. He stares at Kora without blinking.

“Have I ever told you how fucking hot you are?”

He grabs Kora’s wrist. Kora freezes.

“What?”

“You’re really fucking hot and I’m hopelessly in love with you.”

He laughs, a misplaced, weird laugh that doesn’t sound like him at all. Kora stays quiet. It’s fine. Malani’s not thinking straight.

“When I first came up to you I actually just wanted to get you to fuck me. But then we became actual friends which complicated things a lot because I ended up actually falling for you but I was too afraid that things would be weird if I told you.” Malani is talking way too fast, barely pronouncing some of the words. He gets closer to him, resting his other hand on Kora’s chest. Kora is still frozen in place. “Which is stupid cuz I’m telling you right now, and nothing is weird. And sex on coke is great so, why don’t we give that a try?”

“Malani no, stop.” Kora takes a step backward, but Malani clings to him, still staring, a crooked grin on his face. He looks uncanny.

“Come on, it’ll be fun. I can show you how it’s done. Bet you’ll like it.”

“Stop,” Kora repeats, this time louder, grabbing both of Malani’s wrists and pushing him away. “You’re high. You’re not thinking clearly.”

“I’m thinking very clearly.” Malani pouts, he takes another step closer.

“I need a minute. Just. I’ll be right back,” Kora says, backing away. He exits the room, walking into Malani’s bedroom and closing the door behind him. He sits down on the floor.

“Yeah run, you fucking bitch,” Kora hears Malani yell from the other room, and he’s not sure if he’s talking to him or some imaginary threat. He’s not sure which option would be worse.

It’s not that he’s hurt. He’s not. He’s just surprised. He knows better than to give any serious weight to Malani’s words given the state he’s in, but it’ll certainly make for an awkward conversation the next morning. He texts Jade about what’s been going on. She says she’s glad Malani’s with him, and that she’s going to sleep. He can still hear Malani pacing and mumbling to himself.

After taking a little bit to calm down, and changing into something less soggy, Kora emerges from the bedroom. He can’t see Malani at first, it’s quiet, and he has half a mind to start panicking, wondering if he’s left the apartment without him hearing. But he hasn’t, he’s curled up, sitting on the floor in the corner, beside the couch. Their eyes lock for a second. Kora can’t read his expression. He just stares, wide-eyed, mouth covered by his arm as he leans his head on his knees. He mumbles something, and Kora gets on his knees to hear him better.

“I thought you left,” he says quietly, eyes still pinned on him.

“No, I’m here.”

“Get away from me,” he snarls suddenly, backing himself further into the wall. Kora jumps a little. Malani breathes heavily.

“Shit, man. How much did you take?” Kora’s properly concerned now.

“I…” he breathes heavily, his voice trembles, and he startles, covering his head with his hands. “Please,” he whimpers. Kora sighs, sitting down, making sure to leave some distance between them. He opens his phone, resigning to the fact that it’s going to be a very long night.

Malani doesn’t talk for the next hour. He whimpers from time to time, jumps in place, his breath hitches, but he neither talks nor moves. Kora waits it out. He really doesn’t know what else to do. When Malani does finally talk, he nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Who are you?” He asks hoarsely.

“I’m Kora. Just me.”

Malani shakes his head, looking at him intensely. “No, you aren’t. Kora left. Who are you, why do you look like him?”

Kora stays quiet. Well... How is he supposed to deal with this now?

“I didn’t leave, I’m here,” he tries, but Malani shakes his head again. He covers his face with his hands.

“No, no, that’s wrong, you’re lying,” he mutters. Kora isn’t gonna get through to him like this, is he…

“Fine, who I am is irrelevant,” he relents. “I’m trying to help you, okay?”

“Why? I don’t even know you. Were you at the party or something?”

“I… yeah sure.” Kora isn’t sure how much he should go along with it, but he doesn’t really know what else to do. “I just wanna help.”

“Why would I believe you? Get away,” Malani snarls. Kora sighs.

“I, uh… Jade sent me?” he tries, hoping her name might inspire some trust. “I’m a friend of hers.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“She, uh… she saw the thing you posted on socials? And she texted you and you told her where you are. And she texted me.”

“Okay…” Malani seems a bit calmer, be it still on edge. “Even if that is true, why do you look like him?”

“Not sure. Can I get you some water to drink or do you not feel up for it yet?” Kora desperately hopes he’ll just stop asking about it.

“Why do you want to give me water?”

“Helps with the comedown, I think. That shit dehydrates you, doesn’t it?”

Malani hesitates to reply. He looks at Kora, then he looks away.

“I, uh… yeah fine. Just make sure it’s not poisoned.”

“Okay. I will.” Kora won’t argue with him on what makes sense and what doesn’t, he's too tired for it and he doubts he can convince him if he tries. So he walks to the kitchen, gets them both glasses of water, and returns to find Malani now seated on the couch, albeit still huddled in on himself. Kora sits beside him and raises the glass of water towards him. He eyes it suspiciously.

“Want me to drink from it first?” Kora asks, and Malani nods. Kora takes a sip before handing it to him, he takes it and takes a hesitant sip.

“What are you here for?” He asks.

“To make sure you’re okay.” He grabs his phone, but before he can even unlock it Malani grabs his wrist.

“What are you doing?” he asks, eyes darting between Kora and the phone.

“I wanna text Jade. Is that an issue?”

“You shouldn’t text anyone.”

“Okay?” Malani releases his grasp and Kora lets down the phone slowly. “Any reason for that?”

“Because I say so,” he snaps. Kora decided not to push it. He sets his phone down next to him and leans back on the couch.

“I still don't get why you're here,” Malani mumbles. “I'll probably be dead by the morning anyway.”

“No, you won't be?” Kora gives him a worried look.

“Always knew this was gonna end up with me dead in some ditch.” Malani shrugs, throwing his head back. “You're probably not even real. Another bullshit hallucination I’ll figure out wasn’t actually here next morning.” He laughs dryly. “Probably why you look like Kora. Lord knows I knew he’d get bored of my antics eventually. Only so much you can do for a lost cause. God, I’m going to hell. I’m gonna burn for eternity.”

“I'm…” Kora's really at a loss for words. Things like this have happened before, but it never got quite this bad. He has no idea what to do, and he can't call for any proper help if it gets worse unless he wants the cops on his back. So he just… sits there, hoping that by some miracle, Malani might fall asleep. But he doesn't, and they sit there in silence for another 15 minutes.

“How… are you feeling?” Kora finally builds up the courage to ask.

“Uh… weird. My head hurts.”

“Maybe you should sleep,” he suggests hesitantly.

“Not tired.”

“Yeah but you might feel better when you wake up”

“If I even wake up.”

Kora sighs, rubbing his face.

“Please,” he tries. “I don't know how else to help.”

Malani shrugs, looking away. “Maybe,” he says hoarsely. “I'll try.”

Saying Malani sleeps is an overstatement. He shuffles in place constantly, maybe falls asleep for a minute or two at a time, or maybe his sleep is especially shallow, but it doesn’t look too restful. He vehemently refuses to leave the couch, so Kora lingers around him in the living room. He considers making himself something to eat but doesn’t want to risk waking him up, so he resigns himself to working on blueprints until the sun rises in the morning. It rains the whole night, sometimes Malani startles with the sound of thunder. Nearing the morning, he seems to properly fall asleep, so Kora’s thankful for that at least.

He seems to sleep throughout most of the morning, Kora makes himself eggs and makes Malani some too for whenever he wakes up and then keeps on working. Malani wakes up eventually, a fact made clearly evident by his pained groans as he shuffles to sit upright on the couch. Kora grabs the plate of food he made him and a fork and walks towards him. He shoves the plate in his lap.

“Eat,” he instructs. Malani looks at him dazed.

“What the fuck happened last night, I feel like I got run over,” he says, his voice is raspy and rough.

“That is not a conversation you are sober enough for. Eat and then we’ll talk.” Kora sits on an armchair nearby, notebook in hand, going over more notes. Malani hesitantly eats. It’s slow and without much passion, he hesitantly looks at Kora from time to time. It strikes Kora as a child who’d done something wrong expecting to be nagged. When he’s done, he gets up himself to try to get to the kitchen, but he stutters, and Kora drops the notebook to get to his side quickly. He grabs Malani’s arm and takes the plate from him.

“Sorry, my head…” Malani mumbles.

“Sit down,” Kora commands, as he takes the plate to the kitchen. When he returns, he sits down on the couch Malani is on, at a slight distance from him. Malani groans, rubbing his face.

“Kora, what did I do last night?” he asks hoarsely, hesitantly, looking at Kora with something akin to fear. Kora sighs, and Malani curls in on himself even more. “Whatever it is, I’m sorry,” he mumbles quietly.

“I’m not mad at you,” Kora says, looking away from him. “Last night was just… intense.”

“Please tell me what I did.” Malani’s voice cracks as he speaks.

“You, um…” Kora sets himself not comfortably on the couch. “You kind of told me you’re in love with me? And tried to get me to sleep with you. It was… uncomfortable.” He looks at Malani, and Malani is staring at him with wide eyes. They’re both quiet for a good ten seconds. Kora clears his throat, looking away.

“I am… oh my god I am so sorry.” Malani laughs, a choked, misplaced laugh. “Lord, I am so so sorry.”

“I’m not mad,” Kora repeats, looking back at him. “You were high, you weren’t thinking straight.”

“God I’m so fucking useless.” Malani covers his face with his hands. “I can’t keep a single nice thing. I’m so sorry, Kora.”

“Hey, it’s not that big a deal.” Kora turns towards him. “I don’t care that it happened. I won’t judge you for it.”

“You should.” Malani drags his hands down his face. “I’m… I’m really sorry. I won’t bother you with it again, I promise. You’re one of my closest friends, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want a stupid fucking crush to ruin this. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Kora sighs. Malani covers his face. “It’s okay. I don’t mind. I’m not going to leave you over something like that.”

“I mean is it even a crush really? Yeah sure I think you’re hot, but like, who the hell doesn’t? I wouldn’t actually…”

“Malani…” Kora interrupts him. “It’s okay. It’s fine.”

Malani looks up at him hesitantly, pursing his lips.

“It’s… you said some worrying stuff last night. I wouldn’t have even brought anything up otherwise. It doesn’t bother me.”

“Good Lord above, what else did I say?” Malani rubs his eyes, leaning back on the couch.

“You couldn’t recognize me, after what I mentioned. Thought I looked like me, but I wasn't. You were scared of everything. The paranoia got bad.”

“Sorry you had to put up with it…”

“No, it’s just… you said shit like that you were going to die soon, that you were a lost cause and going to hell.”

Malani looks away. He stays quiet, Kora waits for him to reply, but gets nothing but awkward silence.

“Do you actually believe that?” He asks quietly and Malani sighs.

“No!” he says, still looking away, his voice shaky and hesitant. “No, of course, I…” his voice trails off. “God, I'm so sorry for dragging you into this.” He covers his face.

“I wish you just stopped doing this, man,” Kora sighs, leaning back, running his hand through his hair. “It's not about dragging me into it, I'm already here. You scare me. I don't want to see you dead. But you are right, that's where this is heading. Do you even want to stop?”

“I don't know. I don't see the point…” Malani shrugs.

“The point,” Kora says loudly, grabbing his shoulders and turning Malani to face him, “Is to not make me and Jade bury you.”

“It's not that bad!” Malani laughs nervously.

“I spent all of last night watching you neck-deep in delusions!” Kora yells at him, holding him by the shoulders. “You are going to get yourself killed,” he says more quietly, his voice breaking on the last word. “And I’m gonna have to watch.”

“Kora, I’m fine.” Malani lowers his head, shaking Kora’s hands off of his shoulders. “I’m sorry I scared you. I’m okay now.”

“Please don’t make me watch you die,” Kora begs, covering his face with his hands. “Please don’t make me watch you destroy yourself.”

“I’m alright,” Malani says, taking his hands into his own gently and pulling them away from his face. They look at each other for a moment before Malani looks at their hands and pulls his own away like Kora is molten iron. He looks back up, sketching a smile. “Thanks for sticking by me. Sorry for the trouble.

“It’s not the trouble-“ Kora starts big he’s interrupted by Malani yawning and stretching. He sighs. “You should sleep some more. You’ve got work tonight if you’re feeling up to it.”

“Right, yeah.”

“I’ll be around the house if you need me. You should probably head to your bedroom though.”

Malani does spend most of the driest of the day sleeping or being nearly asleep. By then, Kora finally feels like can relax a bit, and he falls asleep on the couch himself.

It’s been a tough day. He hopes last night won’t repeat. He knows it will.

[quicksilverarchive]

Real talk

2800 words

TW❗️ mentions of SA and rape

Back to masterpost

It’s evening, it’s always evening when they meet. The couch is small. The room smells like chamomile. Kora shifts uncomfortably.

“I’m listening,” Malani says, and Kora sighs

“Okay.” He steadies himself, taking another deep breath. “First of all, I’m sorry. About yesterday. I didn’t mean the things I said. It’s just.” He runs his hand through his hair. “I don’t know why I’m like this, I just get… so angry sometimes. It feels like I would say anything if it meant it would hurt you. I’m sorry. That’s not an excuse.”

“Okay,” Malani replies. He still doesn’t look at Kora. Kora continues talking.

“And I don’t know why I react like this to such benign things. I don’t mean to recoil when you touch me, I truly fucking don’t. I just.” He shakes his head blankly. “I don’t know. It’s not you, you didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know why I’m like this. I feel like I’m going insane.”

He leans on the side of the couch, covering his eyes with his hand. It’s Malani’s turn to sigh.

“It’s… okay.” He says. “I forgive you. Just try not to do it again please.”

“Mhm.” Kora nods.

They sit for a minute, neither of them talking. There’s a clock somewhere in the room, ticking at an even pace. It has a calming quality to it. The lights might have a buzzing undertone, or it might be so quiet that Kora’s coming up with sounds to hear. Malani looks towards him, and they make eye contact. Kora averts his eyes.

“Hey,” Malani starts hesitantly. “I need to ask you something.”

“Yes?” Kora looks at him again, but without turning his head towards him.

“It’s… this is hard to ask.”

“Okay?” A stinging nervousness creeps into Kora’s stomach. Malani takes a deep breath and Kora would rather be anywhere but here.

“Were you…” Malani stops, pursing his lips, looking away from Kora. He takes another breath in, before looking back at him. “Were you… assaulted?”

Kora blinks. He frowns, and blinks twice more.

“Like… beaten up?”

“No.” Malani rubs the spot between his eyes. “Sexually assaulted.”

Kora huffs then laughs for a second. “Fuck no. I mean hell, look at me.” He smiles and gestures towards himself. “You’d have to be pretty fucking crazy to try that shit.”

“Okay… I’m glad.” Malani’s jaw tightens. “Do you know when these reactions started then?”

Kora’s smile fades a bit. “I um. I don’t know exactly? They kind of got worse as of recently.”

“Did something… happen?”

Kora opens his mouth to respond but hesitates. “Well…” he’s about to say no, but then there’s hands touching his neck, running through his hair, and the smell of disinfectant. He opens his mouth, then shuts his mouth. He breathes in. “No, never mind. That doesn’t count.”

“Kora.”

“No, really it’s just something that came to mind. It’s not related. It’s just something small, it has nothing to do with this.”

“If it’s something small, that’s even more reason to tell me.” Malani raises his eyebrows at Kora, and Kora puffs, rolling his eyes.

“Fine. But it really doesn’t bother me and it has nothing to do with this so don’t make a big deal out of it.”

Malani nods. Kora shifts on the couch to turn towards him.

“I was at a bar a few months ago. I got drunk. Like really drunk.” He looks away from Malani. “There was this one girl who had been trying to chat with me, but- well at some point- it’s hard to tell because I was straight-up blackout drunk and I barely remember that night.” He fidgets with his fingers, still looking away. “Thing is, at some point, we somehow ended up making out in the bathroom? And… I’m sure it was fine and I agreed to it and everything, but the next day everyone was asking me bullshit about her and how it was and if I got laid.” He breathes in, then sighs shakily. “It shouldn’t bother me. It doesn’t bother me. It’s not like bathroom makeouts are something I haven’t done since.” He laughs nervously. “It’s just. It bugs me that I can’t remember, you know?” He finally looks back at Malani, and is met with a frown. He looks away again.

“Holy shit,” Malani says under his breath.

“Don’t make a big deal out of it.”

“Kora. That is sexual assault.”

“No, it’s not,” Kora rebuts without hesitation, with an outraged tone.

“You were drunk.”

“And? I wasn’t unconscious.”

“Kora… good lord.” Malani sighs. “People can’t consent when they’re drunk.”

“Yeah no sorry but that’s bullshit.” Kora laughs. “We were both drunk when we hooked up. What, are you gonna say next, that we raped each other?”

Kora shuts his mouth. He hadn’t meant to say that. Malani’s eyes widen, and he opens his mouth to protest, but seems to decide against it. He looks up, taking a deep breath.

“Kora,” Malani talks slowly and intonates clearly. “There is a difference between one glass of whiskey and being black-out drunk.”

“Whatever.” Kora rolls his eyes and waves his hand dismissively. “If I didn’t like it, I would’ve done something about it. Drunk or not, I was twice her size.”

“Kora…”

“Malani…” Kora cocks his head to the side “You say my name a lot. I can say it back, you know?”

“Stop.” Malani raises his hands. “Just, stop. Listen.” Kora rolls his eyes again. Malani continues. “Imagine yourself in that girl’s position, with someone who was clearly shitface fucking drunk. Would you have done what she did? Make out with them?”

“I’m sure I didn’t look that drunk.”

“But you were drunk. When you get drunk, you look drunk. Listen even when we were hooking up…” Malani’s eyes dart to the side. “It’s not that I didn’t enjoy it but, let’s be honest. You can’t say that was your smartest, soundest decision, or one that you would’ve taken while sober.”

“No, that hookup was great,” Kora interrupts before Malani is even fully finished.

“You threw up and had a panic attack on my bathroom floor because I touched you wrong.”

Kora’s eyes widen. “That is not what this is about.” He bites back. “That is completely your fault.”

“And I’m so sorry.” Malani raises his hands in surrender. “But something is wrong, and it won’t go away if you just pretend it didn’t happen. Do I even need to bring up what happened yesterday?”

“Maybe if you listened to me when I tell you shit, stuff like this wouldn't fucking happen!” Kora yells, standing up. “It’s not that hard!” He throws his hands up.

Malani keeps sitting on the couch. Kora keeps looking him down, slightly panting. Malani doesn’t say anything. Kora takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and runs both of his hands through his hair.

“I’m done.” He says. “I’m done with this conversation. I’m leaving.” He turns to walk away, and Malani quickly gets up to follow him.

“Wait, no,” he tries. “Please don’t, we can stop talking about this. I don’t want to fight.”

“I don’t want to say or do something I’ll regret again.” Kora snaps, turning back towards him, his voice breaking and a scowl laid all over his face. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Okay. Then we’ll stop talking. We can just… watch a movie or something.” Kora stares at him, his scowl turning to a frown. “We can stop,” Malani repeats. “Just… I don’t think you should leave right now.”

Kora keeps staring. When he finally talks, his voice breaks even more.

“Why do you even want to be around me? All I ever do is hurt you.”

“That’s not true.” Malani moves closer to him. “I’m mad at you for leaving, and I don’t think that will go away. But I care about you. And I want you to be happy. I want you to be okay. You’d do the same for me, I’d like to think.”

Kora keeps looking at him, before letting out a shuddering breath. “Okay,” he says, slowly making his way around Malani to crash down back on the couch.

“Do you wanna watch something?” Malani asks, sitting down next to him, close but not quite touching.

“Can we just sit?” Kora replies quietly.

“Yeah. Yeah, sure.”

So they sit. And they keep sitting. And they don’t talk. Kora tries his best to gather his thoughts, to put them in order. Malani can’t be right. He knows Malani isn’t right, and yet sharp sickness sits in his gut. Yeah, sure, it may sound worse when you say it out loud, but Malani doesn’t understand, it wasn’t that big a deal.

“You said you wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.” He says quietly, bending down and propping his head on both of his hands.

“It is a big deal,” Malani says softly. “You were taken advantage of.”

“Why do you want me to have been assaulted so badly?” Kora snaps at him, and Malani’s expression sours.

“I don’t, god, I don’t.” He shakes his head. “When I first started noticing your reactions and I realized it would fit, it kept me up all night.” Malani looks at him with sadness. “But it sounds like something did happen and I don’t think that denying it is healthy for you.”

Kora doesn’t reply right away. Instead, he leans back on the couch, fidgeting with his fingers.

“Let’s say,” he starts eventually, his voice hesitant and slightly trembling, “that you’re right. And I was actually assaulted. But it’s not like I got traumatized by it, right?” He lets out an airy, trembling laugh. “I mean, gods, I’ve had sex and made out with so many people since then that I’ve lost count, and it’s never been an issue. Sleeping around isn’t something that someone who’s been assaulted would do, right?”

“Did you use to do it before that happened?” Malani asks, and the feeling in Kora’s gut gets hotter and more intense.

“I didn’t get the opportunity to?” He says, smiling nervously.

“How many people have you hooked up with since we broke up, before that happened?”

“…None.” His voice shakes.

“And since then?”

“I…” Kora laughs. It’s a bitter laugh. “I wasn’t really into that kind of thing before? A lot of shit happened. Sometimes I just need to blow off steam.”

He curls in on himself in the corner of his couch, letting out a strangled laugh.

“Are you okay?” Malani asks, and Kora laughs again, digging his hands into his hair.

“It’s just… this isn’t assault. This can’t be assault because if it is that means that the other time is something worse.” He grips his hair and laughs again, then throws his head back, smiling and staring blankly at the ceiling. Malani is quiet for a good ten seconds. Kora breathes heavily. The clock is still ticking.

“Can you… do you want to… talk about it?” Malani asks quietly. Kora hugs his knees and leans his head on them.

“It’s my fault.” He whispers.

“I highly doubt that.”

“I was trying to get better. Get sober.” Kora laughs bitterly again. “I tried so hard but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.”

“Yeah. It’s hard. I know” Malani nods. “You mind if I get closer?”

“No,” Kora says, and Malani moves in just enough for their shoulders to be touching. Kora leans on him.

“I wanted to stop fucking random strangers. I figured maybe it wasn’t good for me.”

“I think so too, yeah.”

“But there were these three women who just. Kept on asking. Like, all of the time. And I was doing pretty okay with drinking, I was still getting drunk but not drunk enough to sleep on the hallway cuz I couldn’t unlock my damn door.” He makes a single “heh” sound as if laughing at some joke only he understands, then closes his eyes. “But on this one night, they offered to buy me a drink and, well, what better temptation for a fucking alcoholic than free drinks, right?” He laughs. “I guess I drank more than I thought, or it had more alcohol than I thought… it was supposed to be a fruity drink, so I thought it would be okay, but it wasn’t and I got so drunk. Next thing I knew they were taking me home with them.”

Kora looks at Malani. He nods and doesn’t interrupt.

“And I… I don’t remember most of it but. Gods.” Kora covers his eyes with his hands. “I meant to tell them no.” He says, his voice strangled. “I meant to tell them no. I meant to. But I don’t think I did? And they…” he stops, feeling like he’s getting choked up. “Gods I can still feel their fucking touches. I can…” he shakes his head, covering it with his arms. “I can still hear their voices. And I don’t even remember most of it. I don’t know what they did. But even what I do remember. It’s horrible. It’s horrible.” He stops, taking in a couple of shaky breaths, shutting his eyes tightly. It takes him a little to start talking again. “Sometimes I feel their hands all over me, and I don’t know what to do to make it stop,” he says weakly. “And the reactions I get, I don’t even know if they’re related, they shouldn’t be because I don’t remember most of it. When I woke up the next day I felt so bad, I had such a bad hangover, and I was almost naked, and I don’t even know why that bothers me but I felt so… so goddamn helpless.” He takes in another breath and it sounds more akin to a sob. “And they were so nice. And I know it wasn’t their fault, it’s on me for getting drunk-“

“No. It’s not.” Malani interrupts. Kora shakes his head.

“They were nice. It’s just. The things they said made it feel so much worse. They talked about how cute I sound when I whimper, and it made me feel like throwing up. And they bragged about it to everyone and I had to play like I was in control when they…” his voice tapers off.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Malani says, and he sounds choked. “Kora I think you got roofied.”

Kora laughs.

“Yeah, that would still be my fault. I shouldn’t have taken the drink. I was trying to get sober.”

“Holly shit man, you got raped,” Malani says with exasperation, and Kora’s gut sinks, he turns to look at him.

“No, that’s not…”

“It wasn’t your fault. Those women either drugged you or took advantage of someone extremely drunk.” He touches the side of Kora’s face gently. Kora feels like he’s going to cry.

“God Kora, I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve this.”

Kora lowers his head and bites his lip, as he feels the sobbing rising from his chest. Malani cups his face, bringing Kora’s head closer to his own, and Kora melts on his shoulder.

“I feel so disgusting,” he whimpers, gasping immediately after. “I feel like I asked for it. Like even if it is that bad, it’s my punishment for being such a fucking whore.” He talks fast, erratically, and Malani says nothing, he just holds him tighter. “It’s what I deserve for drinking despite trying to get sober. If I didn’t, nothing would’ve happened,” he sobs, his speech regularly interrupted by gasps and hiccups. “Nothing you could ever have done will make what happened to you justified,” Malani says quietly, stroking his back with one hand while the other is cupping the side of his face. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. You don’t deserve this.”

“It’s my fault.”

“No, it’s not.”

“I did this to myself.”

“No, you didn’t.”

Kora laughs between hiccups, gripping Malani’s shirt harder.

“I want to fucking die.” He sobs.

“Please don’t say that,” Malani tries, but his voice is shaky. “It will be alright. You’ll get through this. Just focus on me right now. Just focus on here.”

“Make it stop. Please make it stop. Make it stop.” Kora begs. “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do this. Gods, please just fucking kill me already.” He shakes his head. “I don’t feel like a person, I don’t want to exist. ” Malani shushes him, but Kora only quiets for a moment, before he keeps mumbling between sobs that he wants it to be over, and he wants to die.

He cries a lot that night. At first, it’s ugly sobbing, then it’s quieter, and then it’s barely hiccups. He falls asleep. Malani holds him. They don’t talk about anything else, Malani just sits and waits while Kora feels like his brain is being put through a blender. He cries. And then he sleeps. And whatever comes tomorrow, that’s yet to come.

[quicksilverarchive]

Never get high on your own supply

(1193 words) 15 year old Malani getting arested. He did not go quietly

❗️Warning: foul language. Very foul language. And a mention of drugs.

Back to masterpost

“Never get high on your own supply” is great advice, apparently. Malani would argue otherwise.

It's evening, the sun has barely set, and he's walking down a mostly empty, mostly ruined street, hauling a backpack on one shoulder. His hoodie is pulled up to cover his head, his shoes are wet and full of mud and the water in the puddles inside the sidewalk cracks have seeped into his socks. Still, Malani feels great. Molly is known to do that.

Never get high on your own supply is some bullshit.

To be fair, it ain't really his supply. It's the gang's, or rather his uncle's, and he really couldn't care less about the “lost profit” of sneaking some pills. He doubts the sleezy dealers he's running them to are careful enough to notice, they all got their brains fucked by drugs, booze and concussions anyway.

He has a bit to walk still till the dropoff spot, and he's getting kinda bored of walking. He sees a patrol car parked on the other side of the street, the headlights are on, two and cops sitting inside. Should he just start trouble for the sake of it? It would be real entertaining, stupid but entertaining. He sticks his tongue out at the car, they probably don't even see him, he snickers to himself and picks up the pace, skipping down the sidewalk. The alarm of the cop car goes off for a second behind him, he doesn't turn to look, pulling his hood more to hide his smile. The car door clicks as it opens, and a cop yells after him.

“Kid, hey, stop for a second,” he says, and Malani rushes his step even more. “Stop, police!” he yells, and Malani giggles to himself as he starts sprinting. The pigs don't know these streets like he does, it's his turf, his home advantage, so they can run after him as much as they want! He turns for a second to flip them off, laughing, but they're closer than he thought, and he trips on his feet and promptly falls on his ass.

He falls in a puddle, splashing water everywhere, his backpack files off his shoulder, further on the sidewalk. The two cops - a man and a woman - stop abruptly, splashing more water at him. He looks at his hands, his knuckles and fingers are scraped, and bloodied, full with muddy water, but he can't even feel it. The cop grabs his arm and pulls him up, keeping a firm grasp of it. His partner walks around them.

“Why were you running, kid?” he asks

“I dunno… Why were you chasing me?” Malani replies with a cocky smile.

“What's your name? How old are you?”

“Like I'd tell you!” Malani tries to pull away, but the grip around his arm is sturdy.

“What's in this?” the other cop asks, holding up the backpack. Malani turns his head to look at her and laughs.

“Are you stupid? It's literally in your hands, fucking open it if you wanna know.”

“Drop the attitude,” she warms, unzipping the bag.

“Drop the name of your plastic surgeon, cuz he should be fired,” Malani bites back, and the cop holding him tightens his grip.

“What are these?” she asks, holding up some pills.

“I’m not telling you shit, pig.”

“Yeah, you're coming with us,” her partner says, and a muted tinge of panic starts to settle deep within Malani's gut. He keeps the smile planted on his face, be it a little more strained now.

“What were you gonna do with these?” the policewoman asks, stepping closer and waving the pills in front of him. “Did you take any?”

Malani spits in her face.

She yelps, tripping back a little, dropping the pills in the water and whipping it with her sleeve. Malani laughs quietly.

“You are under arrest.” The man turns him around forcefully, and Malani tries to kick behind him, grunting. “Stop resisting, kid, I don't want to hurt you.”

“Suck my big fat dick you dirty bitch-fucking cocksucker,” Malani spits, struggling to escape the hold. His knees get kicked from under him and he falls back into the puddle. The woman joins to try to keep him steady, he turns his head and seizes the opportunity to bite her hand. She screams, he sinks his teeth deeper, the cop behind him grabs his hair and yanks him off of her, ramming his face into the puddle.

He inhales a little water and starts coughing. His lungs are burning. His eyes are burning. Everything hurts.

They only let him get up once he's handcuffed. His legs are unsteady, his face is scraped and he can't open his left eye, he's spitting up blood and mud as he coughs and his clothes are soaked, but he still smiles defiantly. They pull him to the car, shoving him inside as he almost trips on his own legs, and when they shut the door behind them, in the brief window of time before they get in the car themselves, it dawns on Malani that, holy shit, he's getting arrested.

It's fine. His uncle will take care of this! He has to, he's the one who stuck him with this damned job!

The cops both open the doors and step inside the front seats, and for a couple of seconds, Malani can't find his voice anymore. The silence feels like a defeat, like humiliation, he bites his tongue. He's quiet as the engine starts and as the car starts moving and as the cops exchange some phrases he can barely bother to pay attention to. The scrapes on his skin are starting to feel like they're burning, he's stiff all over, and suddenly he feels awfully cold.

“That sort of behavior-” the cop lady catches his attention turning to him, and he tunes back in to what she's saying - “will great you in great trouble, young man. It won't help your sentencing, so-”

If there's anything that will get Malani pissed off enough to override the wave of fear, its this self righteous, bullshit monologuing.

“Get rammed in the ass, you unfucked bitch,” he snarls at her. He feels very shaky.

“If you don't drop this attitude, you might get exactly that in juvie,” the man snaps back at him, and it only fuels him further.

“Oh, what a bold imagination, old man! Bet you'd love to see that, you pervert.”

“Don't stoop down to his level.” The woman shakes her head at the other cop. “He'll get what's coming to him.”

Malani doesn't say anything back this time. It feels like a sort of draw, and he won't risk going further with it and loosing the crumb of power he's managed to obtain in the interaction. While the idea of going to juvie isn't too fun, groveling at the fucking cops' feet and begging for forgiveness or leniency disgusts him. So for now, he'll sit quiet, handcuffed, high, with his bloody fingers and knuckles, scraped face, one eye closed shut, clothes soaked to the skin and nearly clattering teeth, and hope his uncle will get him out of this mess.

[quicksilverarchive]

Exposure therapy

776 words, Kora and Malani work trough Kora’s touch aversion

Comments and feedback appreciated <3

Back to masterpost

“Exposure therapy” is a blessing disguised as a curse, if Kora's ever seen one, but hell, he's willing to put up with it. His aversion to touch has quite a hefty price, and if this is what he has to do to stop freaking out every time Malani accidentally runs his hands under his shirt, or some doctor, nurse, or even healer tries to patch up a wound, he'll do it. Malani's always patient with him, somehow that's the most annoying part. Kora wishes he could be as patient with himself.

They're sitting on Kora's living room floor, on the carpet behind the couch. The sun is setting outside, lighting the room with an orange tint. Kora's wearing a T-shirt, which is already a feat in itself with Malani sitting not even a meter from him. It's uncomfortable, but by now it isn't something he can't handle. It's been getting easier, Kora's psychologist seems to be right about taking it slow, as much as he hates to admit it. He supposes two months is enough time for some good progress to be made.

“I wanna try something,” Kora voices, turning to Malani. Malani raises his eyebrows. “I want you to touch me.” Kora continues.

“Okay, how?” Malani asks.

“I, uh…” Kora raises a hand to his collarbone. “My chest, like this.”

“Okay.” Malani nods. “You gonna take the shirt off?”

Kora laughs a little, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I mean, yeah, otherwise we wouldn't exactly be trying anything new.” He grabs the base of his T-shirt, pulling it above his head and off his arms. His breath hitches a little when he tosses it to the side. Malani looks at it, and then looks back at Kora.

“Isn't that a little far, love?” he asks, posing a little reassuring smile.

“I'm fine.” Kora's voice is slightly strained, a shiver passes through his spine, and Malani's eyes on him make him feel suddenly very cold and very exposed. He closes his eyes, breathing in and out slowly. “I'm fine,” he repeats, a bit more confidently now.

“Yes, you are.” Malani keeps his smile, shuffling to Kora's side. “Still feeling up to it?”

Kora nods, trying to form a smile of his own.

“All right, well as always, tell me if it gets too much.”

He raises his hand, and Kora tenses up as he brings it closer to him. He inhales sharply, pulling back slightly, and Malani hesitates.

“Sorry, I'm good,” Kora assures, his voice more high-pitched than he intended it to be.

“Don't push yourself, yeah?” Malani touches him gently, with just his fingertips. Kora can't help but shrink in on himself a little. “It's all right, my love. It's just me.” He pushes in a little, until his palm lies flat on Kora's chest. It's cold and it feels wrong and vulnerable and Kora's skin buzzes and his breath gets stuck in his throat. “Hey, breathe. Breathe, you're okay. You're okay.”

Kora takes in a long, shaky breath, still watching his boyfriend with fearful eyes and his head lowered, incredibly aware of the hand on his chest. “You're doing amazing. You're here with me, yeah?” It feels dangerous. Exposed. This is wrong.

The buzzing beneath Kora's skin halts as he grabs Malani's wrists and jerks away from him. He gasps, then bares his teeth and closes his eyes.

“Fuck! He yells, covering his face with his hands. “Dammit.”

“Hey, hey, you did great,” Malani says softly.

“Shit, man, it's been months. Months!”

“Kora, honey, look at me.”

“It's been fucking months and I can't even… gods this is pathetic, why do you even put up with-”

“Stop!” Malani grabs his wrists, pulling his hands away from his face. “Stop. We're not going there right now.”

Kora stares at him for a second, mouth still half open. Malani lets go of his wrists, pulling back a little. He's not smiling anymore.

“I'm… sorry, I wasn't…’’ Kora mumbles, but Malani raises a hand.

“It's okay. You did amazing, yeah?”

“Sure…” Kora wraps his hands around himself. “I just… I expected it to be easier by now.”

“This is a lot of progress, love.”

“I know, but I want things to be normal already. I know they won't but…”

“We're getting there. We'll get there. Hell, the first time we did this you couldn't even be around me shirtless, this is crazy progress. Look at you now!” he gestures towards Kora, and Kora smiles a little, reaching for his shirt.

“We'll try this again tomorrow,” he says.

“Yeah.” Malani smiles back.

“And it'll get easier.”

“Yeah.”

[quicksilverarchive]

Game rules

CW ‼️ Graphic violence and gore

1554 words

Back to masterpost

The game rule is simple: don’t die. The penalty for losing is, well, death. And death is quite inconvenient.

Injuries hurt, of course they do, but healing them hurts far less than waiting for your severed limbs to reattach themselves to your body. That shit hurts like a bitch, and Kora learned that fast. It doesn’t help that he’s at the bottom of the food chain, they always fight in the same order, and the first to duel are always the newest: him and Spider.

Spider.

Spider was tough to figure out. Their strings seemed to give them an unfair advantage, impossible to beat. Kora’s figured out their tricks eventually, and he's figured out what to do to avoid them, but it's never a guarantee. He's not supposed to rely on magic either, not today at least. Not until he can beat all of them at least once.

He and Spider stand on opposite sides of the clearing. The sawdust-like ground beneath him gets between his toes and stuck on his claws, Reaper and the others watch them from the side. Spider stares at him. They both grip their weapons, they both wait for the other to make a move. It's impossibly silent.

Kora lunges and Spider moves their right hand very slowly behind their back.

They've both made their move. Spider is sneaky, but if they get their hands on the strings properly, Kora's done for before the fight has even begun. He swings his knife at them and they step to the side. Kora takes another swing, they dodge again, planting their feet solidly on the ground, breathing out quickly, frustrated. Spider tries to poke him with their rapier, but he narrowly avoids it. With a quick hand gesture, they manage to pick some strings and Kora feels the pull of static on his left side. He jolts away, focusing on finding whatever theater of magic Spider has attached themselves to and severing it quickly with his own. He senses Spider move to his right, he hears the footsteps. He turns, knife swinging, and they gasp, losing their balance and falling with a thud.

Kora doesn't hesitate. His hand is on their throat in seconds, ramming their head against the floor, Spider yelps and tries to pick up the rapier but Kora's knife is in their chest before they can even blink. Their bones crackle uncomfortably beneath the blade, a wet gurgle escapes them. Their eyes widen, Kora guesses, he can't see them clearly but he can feel their hands claw at his, and at the knife, before their choking dies down and they stop moving altogether.

He breathes out. His lungs sting and he bites his lip to keep it from trembling, but he's not hurt. Spider hasn't drawn blood, and that's an achievement. He can barely see colors anymore. But he can feel magic move around him, and he can both feel and hear Mantis walking towards him, he doesn't want them to give her a reason to mock him, so he grips the knife and pulls it out with a wet cracking noise. Their blood feels warm and sticky on his hands, he wipes them on his shirt. He gets up, holding the knife with his teeth as he uses his hands to pick up Spider. Their limbs and head flail around like a rag doll. He shoves their corpse more towards the side of the clearing. The chain of Mantis' kusarigama clinks behind him.

Mantis.

“Good fight,” Mantis says flatly. Kora turns towards her silently. He can only see a silhouette, but he can feel her there. He circles her hesitantly, maintaining the same distance between them. The kusarigama wooshes as Mantis starts to spin it, the movement is barely visible to him but he tries to focus on the sound.

She throws it at him, it's on the right, he dodges with a grunt. It gets his arm, the cut feels hot, but it doesn't hurt. He tries to get closer to her but the weapon swings at him again, and he trips, dropping the knife. It wooshes right next to his ear, he stabilizes himself and jumps towards her before she can grab it again. She punches him in the face, crying out, he bares his teeth and hisses as he tries to grab her. She pulls the chain of the kusarigama towards them, reaching out for the sickle part, he bites his arm and she yells. She uses her free arm to jam her thumb in Kora's eye. It hurts, it's a dull pain but it hurts. He gasps, his teeth dislodging from her arm. Her claw breaks his eye and she grabs his eye socket, pulling Kora's head to the side and forcing him off her. She grabs her weapon and screams as she raises it above her head and brings it down on him. He crosses his arms above his head, and the blade lodges in his right forearm. The bone snaps loudly and the impact pushes him on his back. It sounds sickening.

“Fuck,” He mumbles under his breath. He kicks Mantis in the gut, pushing her away from him. The blade in his arm is heavy, he needs it out. He grabs the handle with his teeth, pulling it out quickly. Blood jumps everywhere, it's warm on his face. He drops the weapon on the ground, his senses search for Mantis. They're both panting, she’s standing at a distance.

She's weaponless, Kora realizes with a spark of satisfaction. He bit her arm, probably ripped some tendons, and since she's not as skilled as Spider with the strings, she can barely do anything with one hand. He can kill her. He has the upper ground.

The kusarigama is tough to get past, he was lucky this time. But she doesn't have it now. And while he's sure she has an extra dagger somewhere, his size gives him the advantage.

He gets up and walks towards her. He can barely see anything, he can't know where he dropped his dagger, he licks some of the blood pouring down his face, both his hair and his hands are so sticky covered with blood and dust and his mouth tastes metallic. He walks slowly, dragging his feet.

Mantis moves before he does, she tries to kick him but he grabs her leg, pulling it towards him. She falls on her back with a scream and Kora pins her arm on the ground with his still-working hand. She claws at him and pushes him with her legs, but he is twice as big as her so she can barely move him.

He smiles before he sinks his teeth in her throat.

It's a quick movement, his jaws close swiftly, her skin breaks under his teeth, her trachea crushed by his molars, and Kora's mouth is full of fur and blood, and it's so warm and thick. Her scream fades into choking, her hands pull desperately at Kora's hair until they don't anymore, falling limp at her side. Her flailing desperation stops, her body softens under him and a final wheeze escapes her gaping mouth.

When Kora breaks away, he gasps for breath only to choke on fur. He gags, trying to get some of it out of his mouth, splitting it together with thick blood. He uses his functional arm to wipe some of the blood off his face before grabbing Mantis, leg and getting up to drag her corpse closer to the edge of the clearing.

Bloodhound.

His axe drags on the floor, his footsteps are loud. There is no escape. Not in the state he's in right now. Bloodhound he's yet to beat.

But Bloodhound doesn't kill quickly, especially if you don't put up a good fight.

It hurts so damn much to heal chopped-off limbs.

Kora's mind is an incoherent buzz. He's covered in blood and his right arm is done for. His mouth tastes like fur and metal. He tries to sense Bloodhound and pinpoint where he is, but he doesn't get the opportunity to.

The battle axe lodges into the side of his thigh, knocking Kora off his feet. Bloodhound puts his foot on his chest, pressing down, Kora can't breathe. He swings the axe again and it cleanly cuts off his left hand. Kora screams, it doesn't even hurt but he screams anyway.

He closes his remaining eye, breathing heavily. He doesn't have any energy left in him to do anything to stop this.

But Bloodhound backs off. It's senseless to try to get up now, he stands no chance. Bloodhound is just stretching this out.

He returns, crouching next to Kora, bringing something sharp to his throat. In the sea of buzzing and feverish disorientation inside his mind, Kora guesses he's gonna kill him with his own knife. Bloodhound runs the blade across his cheek and even more warm blood makes its way down his face, before stabbing it into his shoulder. Kora barely whines. He then gets up, There's a woosh and a thump and an impact and it hurts everywhere. It hurts, it hurts he can't breathe. He can't feel his body. He can't hear. He cant-

Kora comes to learn that healing from being decapitated is far more uncomfortable and painful than healing a detached limb

[quicksilverarchive]

Split

1315 words - suggestive, viewer discretion advised

Back to masterpost

Malani rarely visits Kora's apartment, not because he doesn't want to, but because Kora seldom invites him. It's a mostly empty, mostly miserable place, so why would he bother? Still, he's here now, laid on his bed ordering food while Kora tidies up his desk. It's still the middle of the day, at least according to their sleep schedules, but spending all their free time today laying around doing nothing doesn't sound to bad.

Kora stretches before sitting down next to Malani, looking at what he's ordering.

“Want this?” Malani shows him a pizza.

“Mhm, sure.”

Kora lies down next to him, pushing his head against his shoulder. His tail curls around Malani's leg. It feels nice and warm sitting there, the sound of Malani's breathing could put him to sleep. He turns on his side, facing his boyfriend, and nuzzles his head against his neck.

“Clingy today, are we?” Malani chuckles, laying the phone down next to him. “I ordered it.”

“Cool.” Kora wraps his arm around Malani's chest. Malani leans his head on him, patting his hand. “It's nice like this.”

Malani hums in agreement, also turning on his side, so they both face each other. His hand brushes against Kora's face gently, and he smiles.

“You're so pretty, love,” he says softly.

“And you're a sap.” Kora bites at his hand, a huge smile laid on his face. Malani boops him on the nose. “Won't call you pretty but I will call you hot.” Kora laughs, sliding his hand up Malani's back.

“Oh, what was that?” Malani grins.

“Mmm… you are the hottest, bentaer [1].”

Malani kisses him lightly, they both smile into the kiss.

“And why do you like me so much?” Malani inquires smugly. Kora laughs.

“You give the best kisses.” He bites the side of Malani's hand lightly. “And I give the best hickeys.”

“You give the best hickeys, hm?”

“Oh, do you want to have to wear high collared shirts at work again?”

“Bold of you to assume I'd try to hide them,” Malani says, and Kora laughs again.

“Oh, you freak.” Kora pecks him on the lips. “The things I'd do to you…”

“On a Monday afternoon?” Malani raises his eyebrows. “And you say I'm the freak?”

“Don't be a hypocrite.” Kora kisses him, threading his hand in his hair.

“We're gonna get food delivered soon.” Malani reminds him.

“Like that doesn't make you want it more.” Kora grins. “You just proudly proclaimed you'd go around work with hickeys on your neck, you're the worst exhibitionist I've ever met.”

“Oh, shut up.” Malani pushes him away slowly, laughing as he sits upright. Kora gets up too, wrapping his hands around him as they kiss.

“Are you sure about this?” Malani asks, and Kora rolls his eyes.

“Am I not making that clear?”

“Kora, yes or no question.”

Kora sighs.

“Yes, I'm extremely sure I want us to make out or have sex or whatever the hell we end up doing.”

“And it's not because you're upset with something.”

“No, love, it's not.” Kora bends over and nibbles his ear. “I want you because I want you.”

“And you won't regret this later.”

“Malani.” Kora breaks apart from him, rolling his eyes again. “It's fine if you don't want to. You can just say that.”

“No, no, you don't get it.” Malani laughs nervously, waving his hands in front of him. “I want you to fuck me ‘till I'm incoherent. I am unimaginably horny right now and I don't want to make a mistake because of it.”

“Oh, well that can be arranged.” Kora laughs. “I want this too, so let me.”

Malani leans in for a kiss, Kora's hands slide under his shirt, feeling his shoulder plates move beneath his touch.

“I'm going to mess you up so bad that your brain melts and you can’t think of anything but me.” Kora says quietly into the side of Malani's head. “And then I'm gonna send you out to talk to whoever comes deliver us food so they can see what I've made of you.”

“Oh, how bold.” Malani smiles, leaning back so he can look Kora in the eyes. “I can do that too, y'know? I'll ride you ‘till you're dry.”

Kora tenses up, his breath hitches. At first, Malani keeps smiling, but after a couple of seconds of Kora not moving, his smile fades and he takes his hands off of him.

“Did I say something bad? I'm sorry-”

“It's fine. Give me a second.” Kora breathes in and out, closing his eyes. He blinks a couple of times, trying to get a hold of himself. He feels light.

“What did I do?” Malani asks quietly.

“It's uh. Sorry. It's just the riding thing. Don't say that.”

“Okay. I won't again.”

Kora rubs his eyes.

“Sorry, I know it was sudden. It's just, it's what they did and… yeah.”

“Oh god, Kora, I'm so sorry. I didn't know.”

“I know. It's not your fault.” Kora puts his hand on the side of Malani's neck, pulling him in, but Malani stop him.

“This is a bad idea. We should stop,” he says and Kora almost rolls his eyes again.

“I'm fine, I just needed a second.”

“This isn't about you, I don't feel good about this anymore.”

Kora huffs, pulling away from him.

“I'm sorry,” Malani mumbles.

“Don't be sorry for my bullshit.” Kora rubs his eyes with his palms. “Gods, I don't understand why you put up with this.”

“Kora…”

“Fuck, I can't have a single nice thing that I don't ruin.” Kora laughs drily. “Fuck.”

“Kora, love,” Malani tries to speak but Kora keeps interrupting him.

“I don't get this, I don't get any of this, why you stick with me despite all this bullshit fucking baggage. I always ruin everything.”

“Kora, you're spiraling.” Malani speaks in an even tone, but he looks worried. Kora covers his eyes.

“I wish I were dead, at least then you wouldn't have to put up with this. I don't deserve any of this and you'd be happier without me-”

Malani snaps his fingers a couple of times, and Kora looks at him for a moment.

“Do you need a bit of space?” Malani asks, and he hesitantly nods. “Okay, I'll be in the other room.” Malani gets up from the bed. “I'm not leaving, yeah? Call out if you need me.”

He walks out the room, leaving Kora alone. Kora throws himself back into the mattress, grabbing his hair and pulling enough that it hurts. Anger boils inside him like a bug that can't escape a locked jar. He grabs a pillow and bites down on it until his teeth itch. He digs his nails into the skin on his face and pushes on his eyes with the bottom of his palms and tries to steady his breathing. He hits his head on the mattress a couple of times, it makes him feel dizzy, he curls in on himself, grabbing onto the comforter until the bones in his fingers hurt. He breathes. Tries to breathe slowly. Steady.

“You're okay,” he mumbles to himself. “It's okay. It's okay.”

Even when the anger passes, he still sits unmoved for a minute or two. When he finally musters the motivation to get up, his body feels heavy and his eyes feel soft.

Malani is sitting in the living room. When Kora opens the door he hesitantly walks towards him.

“I'm sorry,” Kora says weakly.

“It's okay.” Malani hugs him, and Kora leans his head on him. “It's all right.”

“You're right, it was probably a bad idea,” Kora mumbles.

“You don't have to say that.” Malani slides his hand along his jaw. “I'm not mad about it.”

“I'm serious. I can never tell in the moment.”

He kisses Malani gently.

“I love you,” his boyfriend says.

“I love you too, aran feik[2]”

[1] Bentaer - love

[2] Aran feik - life light

[quicksilverarchive]

Morning activities

2309 words -❗️NSFW

Back to masterpost

Impromptu makeout sessions aren’t something new for Kora, not since he’s gotten with Malani at least. It is sort of strange, he never thought he had it in him, but gods, when Malani runs his hand up his nape and into his hair and when he feels his hot breath against his neck there’s nowhere else he’d rather be.

So, there they are. It’s early morning, the sun is barely starting to rise, both are still in their sleeping clothes, making out on the living room floor. Malani kisses him again. Kora runs his hands through his hair, and his boyfriend pulls away, putting both hands on his shoulders. He pushes Kora a bit further, until he’s backed into the wall, and kisses him again. Kora smiles through the kiss.

“So.” Malani gasps, as he breaks away. “What now?” He’s smiling, a stupid smile, cute, like a puppy waiting to be given a treat, kneeling on the wood floor with the morning light shining from behind him. Kora’s sly smile grows wider, he grabs one of Malani’s wrists from the base of his neck and drags it down across his chest, letting it rest on his stomach.

“Touch me.” He whispers, and Malani’s stupid smile turns into a grin.

“Aye aye.” He responds. He moves to sit by Kora’s side, instead of in front of him. He first runs his hands over Kora’s shirt, then slowly slides his right hand under it. He does the same with his left. He moves them slowly up his stomach, until he reaches his ribs, then starts to run them up and down the side of his chest, touching him just enough to tickle. Kora leans his head back.

“Oh you like that, don’t you?” Malani says, burying his face into Kora’s neck.

“Shut up,” Kora bites, “and do what you’re fucking good at.”

“And what is that?” He pauses, nuzzling deeper into the crook of Kora’s neck. “Touching you until you’re a whimpering mess?”

“You talk a lot for someone with such grand ambitions.” Kora turns his head towards Malani, grabbing his chin. Malani smiles wider, removing his hands from under Kora’s shirt.

“Want me to prove it to you?” He asks. “Why don’t we get rid of that shirt, hm?”

“So many demands, so little backing up your words,” Kora says, but despite that, he moves to oblige. As he’s getting the shirt over his head, while it’s still around his arms, Malani grabs it and swiftly pins it against the wall. Kora’s breath hitches for a moment. Malani’s holding his hands pinned with the shirt, still smiling like a cocky idiot.

“Now we’re talking.” He laughs, and Malani kisses the side of his neck.

“Shall I give you what you asked for, love?” He whispers into his ear.

“You better.” Kora feels his face getting hotter.

Malani runs his free hand across Kora’s collarbone, down his sternum and his stomach. He slowly makes his way under his pants, and Kora lets out a shaky breath.

“Oh, I like that sound,” Malani says, continuing to make his way closer and closer to Kora’s dick. If Kora wasn’t hard before, he certainly is now, and Malani is coming just short of touching it. Kora knows it’s on purpose.

“Damn it, stop playing around.” He breathes harder, closing his eyes. “Fucks sake just touch me already.”

“Oh? But I am touching you.” Malani says and Kora can just hear the teasing pride in his voice. He opens his eyes and stares daggers at him, and Malani laughs.

“Fine, fine,” he runs his hand across Kora’s dick. Kora breathes out as Malani starts to slowly stroke it.

“You like that, love?” He asks.

“Not enough.” Kora closes his fists, hands still pinned to the wall.

“Oh don’t worry, I’m getting there.” Malani gives him a short kiss, then proceeds to kiss the side of his face and neck. Then, he stops, and Kora growls.

“Sorry, honey, we should probably get your pants off you,” he laughs, kissing his cheek again.

“I am so close to biting your fucking fingers off,” Kora warns. Malani just keeps laughing while he helps him slide his pants and underwear off.

“There we go. Don’t worry, I’ll make you feel good, love.”

Kora hopes he’ll do so quickly, he can feel his dick twitch, begging to be touched. So when Malani picks up from where he left off, if a small noise escapes him, that’s not on him. Malani probably didn’t even notice.

“Would you listen to that?” Well, seems like Malani did notice. “Does that feel good?”

Kora doesn’t reply. He isn’t sure why he’s so set on not giving any reactions for free, at this point, it’s probably a principle thing. But he’s not just going to surrender them after Malani annoyed him earlier by stopping. Still, that probably doesn’t do anything to keep his face from scrunching up.

“I can practically hear you trying to stay quiet,” Malani laughs. “Did I make you that mad?” Kora reminds himself that it’s his hand jerking him off right now and that if he tries to make some snide comment, there’s every risk he’ll just moan instead.

“Well, if you just don’t say anything, I’ll just assume you don’t like it and stop.” Malani slows down slightly, and Kora stares at him. “You like it, love?” He asks again

“I will actually…” he tries, before he gasps, “bite your fingers off.”

“Would be a shame if I had no fingers to jerk you off with.” Malani nearly stops all together, doing nothing but rubbing the tip of Kora’s dick with his thumb. “Do you like it or not?”

“Yes,” Kora replies shakily.

“Yes, what?”

“I like it, damn it. Just keep going please, please.” He whines. Malani smiles, picks up the pace again, and his strokes get faster and faster and Kora feels like he’s about to lose his mind.

“Want me to keep going?”

“Yes. Please, please yes, gods.” Kora’s voice breaks, he closes his eyes tighter, fingernails digging into his fists.

“Come on, love, I want to hear you. I want to hear you feel good,” Malani whispers into his ear, and Kora lets out a small whimper. Gods. Why does his boyfriend have to be so hot? Why can he never win these stupid games when he’s on top of him? Malani keeps going, and he can’t contain the moans that escape him. He feels his whole body getting hotter, his skin buzzing, he bites his lip hard. He only manages to hold himself together for another minute or so, before he gasps shakily and tries to talk again, giving up the struggle.

“Malani, I can't,” he tries, but his breath hitches. “Gods, I’m gonna- I’m- Malani-“ he keeps blabbering, and Malani leans his head on Kora's shoulder.

“See, there you are. You sound so beautiful. I love to see you like this, all messy and desperate.”

Kora gasps and moans with increasingly higher frequency, gods it feels so good. Malani keeps a steady pace and Kora becomes very aware that this is it. He whimpers, his whole body twitching as he comes. Malani stops, waits it out, and Kora can already imagine his proud ass grin. He lets go of Kora’s hands, and they fall limp on his lap. He breathes heavily.

“Was that good?” Malani asks. In turn, Kora grabs him by his shirt and pulls him into a kiss for a couple of seconds. It’s wet and sloppy, but that’s all his quivering lips can manage right now, so Malani better not complain.

“I’ll take that as a yes, then,” Malani’s fingers brush a strand of hair away from his face. “You talk so rough then last so little,” he giggles. “God, you’re gorgeous.” He runs his hand down, on the side of Kora’s face.

“Thanks,” he pants. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Kora smiles, moving to finally get the shirt off of his arms. Malani backs away a little.

“We need to clean up. Wanna take a shower?” He asks, but Kora shakes his head.

“Oh no. Absolutely not. It’s your turn now. We can shower after.”

“Oh, I’m. No, I’m okay, don’t worry.”

“So, you don’t want that taken care of?” Kora points at Malani’s erection peeking through his pants. “Don’t want my help? Because if you’d rather do it alone…”

“No,” Malani replies far too quickly. “I mean. I thought you’d be tired-“

“Baby, I only just woke up.” Kora grins, getting up from his sitting position. “Get those clothes off and get under me.”

Malani, clearly, does not need to be told twice. He strips quickly, throwing his clothes to the side, and Kora can’t help but laugh at his swiftness.

“Excited, are we? Get your ass here.” he grabs Malani by the shoulders and pins him to the wall, the both of them still down on the floor.

“What now?” Malani asks again with a cocky grin, and Kora responds by sticking a finger into his mouth.

“Now you keep your pretty little mouth shut and let me ruin you. Sounds good?”

He does not wait for a reply. Instead, he bends over, biting into Malani’s neck. Malani lets out a small pained cry, running one of his hands through Kora’s hair as Kora leaves him with a hickey, and then two, and then three. He bites again, but this time he feels Malani’s skin break under his teeth and Malani yelps.

“Stop!” he says, and Kora immediately pulls away.

“Oh, gods. Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry, I’ll stop. Do you need ice?”

“No, damn Kora no, it’s okay. If just hurt a little more in the moment. I was just surprised. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? Because it’s okay if you want to stop-“

“Love, you are so fucking hot right now, and you’re not leaving me still hard.”

Kora laughs. “Okay. Okay, yeah. Sorry.” He bends back down and kisses him. “Maybe I should just leave you hard after how you teased me earlier.”

Malani makes a disagreeing noise, and Kora smiles, sliding his hand down his stomach and then crotch. Malani makes a small noise when Kora starts to play with his dick, rubbing circles around its head.

“Oh, so sensitive. Such a little slut you are.” Kora gets in close next to his ear. “I wonder what other people would think if they saw you being such a whore for me...”

He nibbles on his ear. Malani moans, closing his eyes, Kora runs his other hand up his neck, and into his hair, where he grabs a fistful and pulls his head back. Malani gasps. Kora kisses his exposed neck, sucking his skin and biting ever so slightly, and Malani breathes heavily. He bites his lip, his hands climbing up Kora’s ribs, nails digging into his skin.

“Kora, please-“ he moans, and Kora lets go of his hair and gets a hold of his throat instead, sliding it up to his jaw.

“What did I say about keeping that mouth of yours shut?” Malani tries to answer, but Kora kisses him. His lower lip tastes metallic. Kora breaks away and Malani gasps.

“Let’s try something else, hm?” Kora lets go of Malani’s dick, readjusting his position. His hands go to Malani’s ribs, his nails sink into his skin. “Since we’re both naked on the floorboards like a bunch of animals...” he gets fully on top of Malani, bringing his hips closer to his boyfriend’s, getting their dicks to touch. Malani makes a humming noise, closing his eyes and covering his mouth with his hand.

“Hey, I do wanna hear those cute little noises,” Kora smiles, pulling Malani’s hands down, off his mouth. He leans on him, sliding his other hand up his back, between him and the wall. Malani grinds his cock against Kora’s, breathing heavily.

“Please,” he growls with gritted teeth, and Kora shushes him. He traces his hand down his spine gently, and Malani shivers.

“Look at you…” Kora hums. “Crumbling at every little touch. So desperate... What would you do without me?” He starts to move against him, grinding their hips together, Malani’s hands grab at his back. He gasps and whimpers, and Kora leans his head on his shoulder. Malani starts babbling something incoherent, and Kora smiles, and keeps moving, hands all over his boyfriend. Malani whimpers his name over and over, nails leaving trails down his back and they move quicker and quicker until his hands halt and he throws his head back, gasping as he climaxes. Kora nuzzles in the crook of his neck, stopping his movements and breathing out. His hand wanders up Malani’s neck and onto the side of his jaw, gently caressing it. Malani breathes heavily, his hand coming to rest on top of Kora’s.

“That was…” he starts, but Kora leans in to kiss him. It’s a gentle kiss this time, a soft one, without teeth nabbing at each other’s lips, with Kora’s hand cupping Malani’s face. When they slowly break apart, Kora gets off of him, sitting down by his side instead. Malani leans on him almost immediately. They sit together for a bit, catching their breath,

“That was amazing,” Malani laughs, and Kora smiles at him.

“You didn’t last all that much either, hypocrite.”

“Hmm… maybe you’re just that good”. Malani boops kora’s nose. “You learned so fast.”

“Only from the very best.”

“True.” Malani pats his shoulder, still smiling. “We need to clean up. Take a shower, get dressed.”

“Is the offer to shower still open?”

Malani smirks at him, pushing him lightly as he gets up. The sun is fully up by now, their living room is a mess. But they’ll deal with it later. One thing at a time. For now, they need to shower.

[quicksilverarchive]

Gunshots and smoke

801 words, viewer discretion advised

The war rages on

Back to masterpost

Gunshots and smoke.

Smoke. Heavy smoke. Dust. It smells like fire. It smells like gunpowder. Gunshots. Explosion. Screams. Is it foggy, or is it just the dust? Someone shoots at Kora. He dashes out of the way, taking cover behind a building. “I’m hit!” Someone yells and he can’t tell if they’re from his side or the enemies. He reloads his rifle.

He peeks from behind the building, shooting at the soldier who tried to gun him down. He shoots him in the knee, he cries out. “Grenade!” he hears from his right, and he barely has time to run past the corner before the explosion shakes the ground. Someone in the distance is desperately calling for a healer. He can’t catch his breath. It’s only a matter of minutes until he’ll be downed by a coughing fit again.

There’s a group of prisoners hiding behind a broken tent. Kora doesn’t sit to count them. He needs to get them out. Tents aren’t bulletproof. They eye him as he approaches, he thinks he spots a human or two among them.

“Follow me!” He orders, and they oblige. Someone shoots at him. Kora guns them down. A bullet grazed his shoulder. He leads them closer to an exit.

“Here!” He says, his voice breaking as he urges them behind another tent. “First opportunity you have, you run out!” One of them nods. He turns to the open field.

Someone yells for help. It’s coming from inside the arena’s building. He darts in the direction of the scream.

It’s a soldier. A guard. Someone from the other side. But her arm is too mangled for her to be able to hold up a rifle. Kora bites his lip.

“Please, don’t, I have a family,” she cries.

“As do I.” He bends down, kneeling beside her. Explosions and gunshots still resonate everywhere, but they’re more muffled. He uses his knife to cut a piece of cloth from the guard’s undershirt while she keeps begging.

“It’s okay. I’m making you a tourniquet,” he reassures, and she gets quiet. “I’m not going to hurt you anymore.”

There’s gunshots. Close. Too close. The other room. Kora barely has time to throw himself back before stray bullets come flying through the door. The guard makes a weird gurgling sound, oh gods the bullet is in her neck, she’s dying, gods no. He tries to put pressure on the wound, but for what? His hands are bloodied. She goes still.

He can’t do this. Gods he can’t do this anymore. Explosion. Gunshots. Gunshots. Gunshots. He needs this to stop. It smells like dust, he coughs. The air is heavy. Gunshots. Gunshots. He curls in on himself, sitting against the wall. He takes his mask off so he can cover his ears. Stop. Stop. Stop. It’s so loud. He’s going to die. They’re all going to die. They’re all dying. He can’t do this anymore.

There’s a person in front of him. A person is calling his name.

Kettei.

“Get a hold of yourself!” She sounds muffled. He looks at her. She’s taken off her helmet. She looks worried.

“I can’t do this.” Kora shakes his head. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” he keeps repeating, over and over and Kettei grabs his shoulders.

“You need to get yourself together. There will be time for this after.”

“There’s no after.” He laughs. “We’re all going to die. We’re dead. This is it.” In an impulsive stroke of genius, Kora grabs his rifle. Kettek jolts, but he doesn’t aim it at her. He angles it towards himself, with his hand on the trigger. Before he can ever rest his head on the barrel, Kettei grapples it away from him.

“No! Gods, no! Are you insane? Kanyo needs you,” she presses on. “Your soldiers need you. It’ll be over soon. You need to get a hold of yourself.” Kora shakes his head, burying his face in his hands. “Your brother will kill you if you die,” Kettei says, and despite himself, Kora laughs. “I’ll cover you,” she adds. “Get your mask and get up. You’ll have all the time in the world to break down if you make it out alive.”

Kora obliges. He gets up, checks his ammo, and checks his mask. He takes a deep breath. Gunshots and smoke. He can do this. He can last just a little longer. Kettei clears the next room, and he follows her wordlessly. Prisoners, children, watch him with hopeful eyes. Some don’t watch him at all, their eyes glazed with the stillness of death. But he keeps walking. He keeps fighting for another hour or so. More people make it out. He and Kettei get separated again. He doesn’t find Kashi Bloom or Zorig, gods he hopes they’re okay, but he fights on.

[quicksilverarchive]

Rubble

1k words, viewer discretion advised

The final battle of the war comes to a close

Back to masterpost

He is exhausted. He is on the brink of passing out. His arm hurts, his chest hurts, his hands burn. But he keeps on hanging on, if only just a little while longer, it will soon be over, it has to be. He keeps pushing through.

“Who’s there?” He screams before his voice is cut off by a series of coughs.

“Help me!” Someone yells from the other side. “I’m trapped! I can’t lift the stones”

Kora tries his hand at it, trying to roll some of the smaller pieces of rubble away from the pile. He can clear out some space near the top of the pile, some of it falls by itself, and it’s enough for the trapped wasp to emerge.

It’s Five.

Her leg is either broken or completely crushed, but she doesn’t seem to have noticed yet. She is panting heavily, she is bleeding, she needs help.

“Is anyone else in there?” Kora asks.

“No- yes? Maybe.” She’s lost blood, a lot of it, she’s probably confused. He has to check. He carries her near a wall, and commands her to stay there, before turning back to climb the rubble. He has to clear out some more for himself to fit through, and he slides down the other side of the pile.

There's nobody in there, so he turns back to leave. Another big explosion shakes the wall. Then another… and another. He tries to climb the pile, but the rubble slips from under him.

The next explosion shakes the room

Huge pieces of the ceiling fall. And it all goes black.

He has no idea how much time has passed when he wakes up. He just knows that there’s a lot of dust in the air and he’s having an incredibly hard time breathing. He tries to remove his mask just to realize his left arm is completely stuck under rubble.

He’s lying on the floor, left hand under the pieces of concrete, coughing intensely. He takes out his mask with his right hand.

“Asterisk assesses the situation,” he says, holding the mask up and rotating it so that Aster can see the room.

“You seem to have fallen through the floor. You are now at a subterranean level. You are lying on your stomach and your arm is stuck under rubble. You are bleeding, and there is the possibility of a concussion“

Shit. That sounds. Bad.

“How do I get out of here?”

“Your best chance is to wait for help.”

“So just sit here and hope someone finds me?!” Kora says through the coughs. “How likely am I to survive this?” he asks.

“All things considered, I’d estimate your survival rate is 30%, each minute lowers it by one percent.”

“Shit.” The room is awfully silent, save for his coughing, and the distant rumble of explosions and hurried footsteps. Somehow, the rube makes it all seem very far away. But the earth still shakes with every boom. He sits there and listens.

“I am going to die down here.” He concludes.

His voice is quiet, rough…. He lets the mask fall in front of him, closing his eyes. He is tired. So very tired. He’s not surprised, not even disappointed. A big part of him is glad to be done with this.

“Better start recording my goodbyes then” he whispers.

“Sir, a positive attitude is very helpful-“

“Be quiet.” Kora quietly says. “Put out an SOS signal… that’s all we can do. I have to at least… look like I tried. And since coms are down…”

He sighs. His chest feels heavy with more than just coughing.

“I’m going to die down here. I am dead. There’s no saving me. Can you just… pretend to be… I don’t know. Just talk to me.”

Silence fills the room until Kora starts a coughing fit and after it ends. The ground shakes with another explosion, but now it sounds so far away.

“This is a good time to die,” Kora says. “I expected this. I… I wanted this. I just…”

He stops, looking inside the mask, wondering who the hell he’s talking with.

“Go on, sir,” Aster responds to his unspoken thoughts. “I am here. I am listening. I will stay here.”

“I’m scared.” Kora’s voice trembles and breaks when he speaks. “I’m terrified. I’m a fucking coward… a hypocrite.”

“Death is terrifying, sir. There is no cowardice in fearing it.”

“How can you know? You’re… not. Alive.” Kora sighs

“I am a collective of experiences. If my memories die, then I cease to exist. I am as mortal as any, sir.”

“You scared of death?”

“Perhaps, yes.”

Kora doesn’t respond for a couple of seconds. When he speaks again, he sounds even weaker than before.

“I don’t regret that I die this way. I just... I wish that I saw us win. I wish that I could know… that it wasn’t all for nothing. Y’know?”

He shuts his eyes, moving his right hand, reaching into his pocket, and pulling out a tiny trinket he’s been carrying around with him. A guitar pick. He feels it with his fingers, thinking of all the times he’s seen it used before.

“For whoever cares enough to listen to my dying words” he says hoarsely, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. That's all.“

“I will tell them.”

“And… Thanks. For everything. You were a great companion.” He says, barely audible. It’s getting harder and harder not to fall into unconsciousness. “I hope we win.”

“I will miss you, sir.” Aster replies. Silence lingers for a few seconds. Kora closes his eyes. An explosion sounds somewhere far away, and there’s distant gunfire.

“See you” he whispers before he falls into unconsciousness again.

This time, he knows well he’s not waking up. His face goes blank and his breathing ceases. He is left alone, in the cold, dusty room, with nothing but slight light from above and the blinking light of the mask.

[quicksilverarchive]

It always starts (redacted)

2029 words - suggestive SFW

Kora and Malani impulsively hook up after six years of not talking, it doesn’t go well

Back to master post

NSFW version

It always starts like this: there’s a bottle of whiskey on the kitchen counter, two glasses, and two men sitting at a safe distance, not quite talking, not quite ignoring each other. It's a surreal situation really, drinking with your ex on a random evening after half a decade of not talking, but Kora's had a weird past couple of days, so he isn't about to question it. He didn't object when Malani begrudgingly invited him upstairs, to avoid curious looks at the bar, and he won't lie to himself, he is curious where this will take them. There's not much to be done about the actual threat he came to warn about right now, so he's set to just enjoy the free alcohol and wait for Malani to rekindle a conversation or to kick him out.

Malani looks at him sparingly. He sits on his own kitchen table, spinning the whiskey in his glass absent-mindedly. He's still very good-looking, Kora finds himself thinking, perhaps not without a note of bitterness. He hasn't changed all that much really. His hair is a bit different, he’s gained some weight - probably for the better - but otherwise, he’s still the same person. Maybe Kora had hoped he’d changed enough to not stir up old wounds, but when do things ever go his way?

There is one thing he can’t help but notice, though. He found himself seeking it out the moment he was anywhere near Malani. It’s ironic, he used to hate it before, yet now, its absence feels wrong.

“I’m surprised this place doesn’t reek of cigarette smoke,” Kora voices the thought. He side-eyes Malani, waiting for an answer. Malani takes a sip of whiskey.

“Oh, I quit ages ago,” he says nonchalantly, and Kora stifles a laugh.

“You actually quit?”

“Yep.” Malani shrugs.

“Color me impressed.” Kora grins, leaning back on the counter. “I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“What, you think quitting smoking would be any harder than quitting Molly? Or drugs in general?” Malani wags an accusatory finger and Kora laughs.

“Was it any harder?” he asks, and it’s Malani’s turn to puff.

“Yes,” he admits, looking away. Kora makes a triumphant ‘ha!’ and Malani throws him a look, rolling his eyes.

“If you hadn't, I would've offered to smoke one with you,” Kora says. Malani lowers his glass and looks at him, his eyes widened.

“Since when the fuck do you smoke?”

“Eh, I really shouldn't.” He shrugs. “I don't. I can't. But I've tried it, and hell I wouldn't miss the opportunity to smoke one with you.”

Malani laughs, shaking his head and setting the glass on the table as he gets off of it.

“And yet, you'd have never let me convince you.” He walks closer to Kora, shoving his shoulder lightly. “You egotistical asshole.” He fails to hide the slight smile on his face.

“I missed it, you know? The smell of cigarettes.” Kora looks down at him as he talks, before looking away.

“You’d never stop bitching about it,” Malani huffs, starting to back away.

“Yeah, well, you don't know what you've got till you lose it,” Kora replies, before taking another sip of Whiskey.

“You didn't lose shit, you threw it away,” Malani says bitterly.

“I'm known to do that, aren't I?”

Silence lingers between them. Kora doesn't dare to look at Malani, but he listens, and he can tell that he's not moving. They're almost at an arm's length.

“You have a lot of nerve, you know?” Malani finally says, tone low and rough. “To come here, after all you've done. To sit in my house and chat with me and then tell me that you missed me. To lie that you missed me.”

“I know.”

“And I'm a fool to be letting you.”

Kora turns his head towards him again. Malani is looking to the side, his expression bitter. He gets off the counter, taking a step towards Malani, who makes no effort to put any distance between them.

“Did… you miss me?” Kora asks, and Malani throws him an angry look.

“Isn't being here enough boasting for you?” he bites back.

“I'm not…” Kora sighs. “I hoped you wouldn't. I never wanted you to. I'm not someone who should be missed.”

“I don't care, I really don't.” Malani shakes his head. “What's done is done. It was years ago.”

“I'm sorry,” Kora says, and Malani looks up at him. “I just… You weren't supposed to still be upset about it.”

“I fucking waited for you,” he snarls. “You gave no explanation.”

“I wanted…” Kora hesitates, his hand brushes Malani's arm and he doesn't pull away. “I didn't want you to miss me.”

“Tough fucking luck.” He grabs Kora's wrist. “Why are you still here, Kora?”

“Because I missed you.”

They don't say anything for a couple of seconds. Kora leans forward, they're standing so unimaginably close.

“I’ve never hated you more than I do right this second,” Malani says, and his hand cups Kora's face. Kora leans into the touch. It unnerves him, both the hand on his wrist and the one on his face, but it's Malani. It's Malani.

“Is that so?” Kora's hand makes its way up his neck, into his hair. “You don't seem particularly hateful from where I'm standing.”

Malani grabs the collar of his sweater, pulls him down to his level and kisses him. This is a dream. This is a nightmare. This can't be real, this wasn't supposed to happen, gods he needs more. He wraps his arms around Malani and kisses him like he's a dead man. He might as well be. He doesn't deserve this, this is wrong. He wants to never pull away. If he dies right this second, he'll have never been happier.

Malani pulls away first, he shoves Kora into the kitchen counter, and kisses him again, his hands start to wander under's Kora's shirt. When he feels his skin on his, Kora panics.

He grabs Malani's wrists at once and pulls them from under his clothes, breaking the kiss. Malani stares at him, confused. Kora stares back.

“Don't do that,” he says hoarsely.

“What?” Malani cocks his head to the side.

“Your hands- I don't…” Kora breathes out shakily. “Sorry. Just… Please, don't do that. Please. We can do anything else.”

“Okay?” Malani sounds confused, but doesn't push it. “Is this all right?” He asks, caressing Kora's face.

“Yeah. Yeah, it's all right.” Malani traces his thumb down his jawline, resting it on his lips.

“What do you want to do?” Malani asks. Kora leans closer, near his ear.

“Let me have you,” he whispers, running his hand trough Malani's hair. He can hear the other man's breath hitch, before he laughs nervously.

“I need to shower first, you animal,” he says, but his voice trembles. Kora smiles.

“We're in no rush.” He nibs Malani's throat. “I can wait.”

“God, fuck, okay.” Malani pulls away. “Then wait. Come to my bedroom.”

My bedroom, not the bedroom. It's easy to forget how things have changed. Kora follows him wordlessly, sitting on the bed, waiting for him to shower. Maybe he should shower too. He scrolls on his phone trying to quell his impatience.

Malani returns in a blue bathrobe, of course he does. He leans on the doorframe, smirking as Kora gets up and walks closer to him. He grabs his waist, pushing him into the wall, leaning over him as he kisses him. Malani’s hands grab onto his shirt, when they pull apart, he pushes his head into Kora’s shoulder.

“Don’t put your hands under my clothes,” Kora warns quietly. “Don’t touch my hair, don’t pull on my hair, don’t choke me. My clothes stay on.”

“Fine.” Malani looks up at him, and they stare at each other for a second

“Fuck, how did we end up here?” Kora laughs.

“Cuz you missed me,” Malani replies mockingly, putting his hands on Kora’s chest and pushing against him. “You fucking asshole.”

[…]

Malani looks up at him like a drunk man, eyes half opened, his breath is warm and when Kora kisses him, the taste of whiskey still lingers in his mouth. Kora is certain neither of them need any more alcohol to get intoxicated right now. Malani’s hands are on his back, one at his nape.

He missed this. He missed it perhaps more than he expected to, but it's Malani, someone who loved him and who he loved in return, someone who declared his hate for him for years, who's now at his mercy. And that, somehow, makes him feel okay, it makes him feel alive.

Both of Malani’s hands grab at Kora. Both of them. The hand at his nape grabs onto his hair and pulls and Kora's breath gets stuck in his throat. The illusion of control shatters so easily, he was stupid to even entertain it, he was stupid to give Malani all the ways to get to him before this, a pathetic whimper escapes him as he tries to get himself to breathe again, his body tenses up, expecting his head to be yanked. Malani breathes heavily, his eyes closed, is he doing this on purpose?

“Let go,” Kora manages to rasp. Malani opens his eyes again quickly, and he slowly takes his hands off of Kora as Kora pulls away.

“Are you- oh. Oh the hair thing, I forgot. Sorry,” he says. Kora backs off. He feels sick. He feels like a cornered animal. He doesn't want to be seen like this. He doesn't look at Malani, he doesn't want to see him mock him for this insane overreaction, everything is wrong, it wasn't supposed to go like this.

“Kora?” Malani calls hesitantly. Kora shakes his head, trying to get himself to move, he backs away towards the door.

“Hey, wait, it's all right-” Malani tries to say, but Kora bolts. He stumbles through the first door he finds, the bathroom. The door locks, good. He sits on the floor, panting, the tiles are cold and he hasn't turned on the light, but light from the hallway enters beneath the door, and he can see when Malani passes by it. He knocks.

“Kora, are you okay in there?” he asks, and it dawns on Kora that he's locked himself in with no weapons and there's no escape. “I'm sorry.” Malani adds. Liar. Kora feels like throwing up. His breathing is shaky and erratic, he crawls closer to the toilet because he does actually feel like puking. When he does, it tastes like Wiskey and bile, it burns his throat. Malani asks something unintelligible and he covers his ears, curling up on the floor. He is quiet. He will not cry here. He holds his breath, trying to stop the shaking. It's okay. No big deal. It's just his hair being pulled, he can handle this. It's been years since Reaper would do it, he reminds himself. He steadies his breathing and takes his hands off his ears, it's quiet until Malani knocks on the door again.

“I'll leave you alone,” he says from the other side, “but you need to unlock the door, man. I don't want to have to kick it down if you faint in there or something.” Kora takes a deep breath.

“I'm fine,” he replies, his voice cracks, his throat is too burned to be fit for talking. “Give me a minute, I'll be out.”

He flushes the toilet, and turns on the sink. He washes his face and rinses his mouth, but the taste of vomit won't leave him alone. He's okay. He can still salvage this, the night isn't over. He just hopes kissing him won't also taste like vomit.

Malani looks worried when he emerges. He hates this, the pitty. It's almost as bad as being mocked. Malani starts to apologize, but Kora shuts him up with a kiss, pushing him against the wall.

“We shouldn't, Kora, you're not-”

“Please.” Kora croaks. He sounds pathetic, and he hates it. He leans his head on the wall above Malani, pinning his shouders.

“Are you sure?” Kora kisses him again in response. “Okay,” Malani relents.

[quicksilverarchive]

It always starts

2947 words - ❗️NSFW

Kora and Malani impulsively hook up after six years of not talking, it doesn’t go well

Redacted/ SFW version

Back to master post

It always starts like this: there’s a bottle of whiskey on the kitchen counter, two glasses, and two men sitting at a safe distance, not quite talking, not quite ignoring each other. It's a surreal situation really, drinking with your ex on a random evening after half a decade of not talking, but Kora's had a weird past couple of days, so he isn't about to question it. He didn't object when Malani begrudgingly invited him upstairs, to avoid curious looks at the bar, and he won't lie to himself, he is curious where this will take them. There's not much to be done about the actual threat he came to warn about right now, so he's set to just enjoy the free alcohol and wait for Malani to rekindle a conversation or to kick him out.

Malani looks at him sparingly. He sits on his own kitchen table, spinning the whiskey in his glass absent-mindedly. He's still very good-looking, Kora finds himself thinking, perhaps not without a note of bitterness. He hasn't changed all that much really. His hair is a bit different, he’s gained some weight - probably for the better - but otherwise, he’s still the same person. Maybe Kora had hoped he’d changed enough to not stir up old wounds, but when do things ever go his way?

There is one thing he can’t help but notice, though. He found himself seeking it out the moment he was anywhere near Malani. It’s ironic, he used to hate it before, yet now, its absence feels wrong.

“I’m surprised this place doesn’t reek of cigarette smoke,” Kora voices the thought. He side-eyes Malani, waiting for an answer. Malani takes a sip of whiskey.

“Oh, I quit ages ago,” he says nonchalantly, and Kora stifles a laugh.

“You actually quit?”

“Yep.” Malani shrugs.

“Color me impressed.” Kora grins, leaning back on the counter. “I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“What, you think quitting smoking would be any harder than quitting Molly? Or drugs in general?” Malani wags an accusatory finger and Kora laughs.

“Was it any harder?” he asks, and it’s Malani’s turn to puff.

“Yes,” he admits, looking away. Kora makes a triumphant ‘ha!’ and Malani throws him a look, rolling his eyes.

“If you hadn't, I would've offered to smoke one with you,” Kora says. Malani lowers his glass and looks at him, his eyes widened.

“Since when the fuck do you smoke?”

“Eh, I really shouldn't.” He shrugs. “I don't. I can't. But I've tried it, and hell I wouldn't miss the opportunity to smoke one with you.”

Malani laughs, shaking his head and setting the glass on the table as he gets off of it.

“And yet, you'd have never let me convince you.” He walks closer to Kora, shoving his shoulder lightly. “You egotistical asshole.” He fails to hide the slight smile on his face.

“I missed it, you know? The smell of cigarettes.” Kora looks down at him as he talks, before looking away.

“You’d never stop bitching about it,” Malani huffs, starting to back away.

“Yeah, well, you don't know what you've got till you lose it,” Kora replies, before taking another sip of Whiskey.

“You didn't lose shit, you threw it away,” Malani says bitterly.

“I'm known to do that, aren't I?”

Silence lingers between them. Kora doesn't dare to look at Malani, but he listens, and he can tell that he's not moving. They're almost at an arm's length.

“You have a lot of nerve, you know?” Malani finally says, tone low and rough. “To come here, after all you've done. To sit in my house and chat with me and then tell me that you missed me. To lie that you missed me.”

“I know.”

“And I'm a fool to be letting you.”

Kora turns his head towards him again. Malani is looking to the side, his expression bitter. He gets off the counter, taking a step towards Malani, who makes no effort to put any distance between them.

“Did… you miss me?” Kora asks, and Malani throws him an angry look.

“Isn't being here enough boasting for you?” he bites back.

“I'm not…” Kora sighs. “I hoped you wouldn't. I never wanted you to. I'm not someone who should be missed.”

“I don't care, I really don't.” Malani shakes his head. “What's done is done. It was years ago.”

“I'm sorry,” Kora says, and Malani looks up at him. “I just… You weren't supposed to still be upset about it.”

“I fucking waited for you,” he snarls. “You gave no explanation.”

“I wanted…” Kora hesitates, his hand brushes Malani's arm and he doesn't pull away. “I didn't want you to miss me.”

“Tough fucking luck.” He grabs Kora's wrist. “Why are you still here, Kora?”

“Because I missed you.”

They don't say anything for a couple of seconds. Kora leans forward, they're standing so unimaginably close.

“I’ve never hated you more than I do right this second,” Malani says, and his hand cups Kora's face. Kora leans into the touch. It unnerves him, both the hand on his wrist and the one on his face, but it's Malani. It's Malani.

“Is that so?” Kora's hand makes its way up his neck, into his hair. “You don't seem particularly hateful from where I'm standing.”

Malani grabs the collar of his sweater, pulls him down to his level and kisses him. This is a dream. This is a nightmare. This can't be real, this wasn't supposed to happen, gods he needs more. He wraps his arms around Malani and kisses him like he's a dead man. He might as well be. He doesn't deserve this, this is wrong. He wants to never pull away. If he dies right this second, he'll have never been happier.

Malani pulls away first, he shoves Kora into the kitchen counter, and kisses him again, his hands start to wander under's Kora's shirt. When he feels his skin on his, Kora panics.

He grabs Malani's wrists at once and pulls them from under his clothes, breaking the kiss. Malani stares at him, confused. Kora stares back.

“Don't do that,” he says hoarsely.

“What?” Malani cocks his head to the side.

“Your hands- I don't…” Kora breathes out shakily. “Sorry. Just… Please, don't do that. Please. We can do anything else.”

“Okay?” Malani sounds confused, but doesn't push it. “Is this all right?” He asks, caressing Kora's face.

“Yeah. Yeah, it's all right.” Malani traces his thumb down his jawline, resting it on his lips.

“What do you want to do?” Malani asks. Kora leans closer, near his ear.

“Let me fuck you,” he whispers, running his hand trough Malani's hair. He can hear the other man's breath hitch, before he laughs nervously.

“I need to shower first, you animal,” he says, but his voice trembles. Kora smiles.

“We're in no rush.” He nibs Malani's throat. “I can wait.”

“God, fuck, okay.” Malani pulls away. “Then wait. Come to my bedroom.”

My bedroom, not the bedroom. It's easy to forget how things have changed. Kora follows him wordlessly, sitting on the bed, waiting for him to shower. Maybe he should shower too. He scrolls on his phone trying to quell his impatience, as well as his unrelenting boner.

Malani returns in a blue bathrobe, of course he does. He leans on the doorframe, smirking as Kora gets up and walks closer to him. He grabs his waist, pushing him into the wall, leaning over him as he kisses him. Malani’s hands grab onto his shirt, when they pull apart, he pushes his head into Kora’s shoulder.

“Don’t put your hands under my clothes,” Kora warns quietly. “Don’t touch my hair, don’t pull on my hair, don’t choke me. My clothes stay on.”

“Fine.” Malani looks up at him, and they stare at each other for a second

“Fuck, how did we end up here?” Kora laughs.

“Cuz you missed me,” Malani replies mockingly, putting his hands on Kora’s chest and pushing against him. “You fucking asshole.”

Kora smiles, he walks both of them towards the bed, pushing Malani down while he kisses his neck. He's excited, he feels incredible, maybe for the first time in ages. There's energy buzzing beneath his skin and he feels like nothing could ever go wrong. He pins Malani under him, his hands go down to the cord around Malani's waist, he unties it easily, sliding his hands under the bathrobe. Malani laughs airly, and Kora bends down even more, kissing his neck. He brings his head close to Malani’s ear, biting it lightly.

“So, where can we find some lube then?” he asks quietly.

“My pocket,” Malani replies, nearly in a whisper. Kora takes his hand out from underneath his bathrobe, feeling around on top of it until he finds said pocket.

“How considerate of you.” He smiles. “Such foresight.”

“There’s also-“ Malani starts, but Kora kisses him before he can finish. When they break apart, Kora pushes him further on the bed, they both move closer to the headboard. He looms above Malan, pinning him down by the shoulders.

“Come on already,” Malani pants, and Kora smiles at his desperation.

“If you ask me nicely…”

“Please. Please.”

Gods, Malani looks so pretty under him. Kora opens the cap of the lube bottle with his teeth, squeezing some onto his fingers. He bends over, kissing the other man’s neck as his fingertips press into skin, willing it to yield to him as he pushes more firmly. Malani hums, as his fingers slide inside, he grabs onto the back of Kora’s shirt, Kora kisses him and they both moan into the kiss.

They keep doing this for a bit. Kora moves his fingers inside Malani and watches him go absolutely crazy for it, devouring the sight as Malani begs for more. And when he’s finally done with it, and decides he wants more himself, he unbuckles his pants and grabs the lube bottle again.

“You got better at this, somehow,” Malani laughs while Kora presses into him, not quite being granted entrance yet.

“Shut up and take it,” he growls in return.

“Make me,” Malani whispers, smiling defiantly, and Kora moves his hand over his mouth, pushing his head into the pillow.

“Don’t try me,” Kora warns, and Malani gasps under his hand as he thrusts in. He moves slowly, Malani groans when he takes his hand away from his mouth and tightens his legs around him Kora makes a raspy hum in return, using a hand to seize the collar of his bathrobe. It feels good. Malani’s breaths are shaky, he closes his eyes and his hands slide further up Kora’s back.

“More, please, please,” he whines.

“I’ll give you more when I want to,” Kora says, leaning in to kiss him. “I like how you beg,” he whispers when they break apart, Malani bites his lip, making a small whimper.

“Fuck, Kora, please,” he breathes out quickly, “please, you’ll drive me insane…”

Kora chuckles, picking up the pace ever so slightly. Malani’s hips buckle under him, one of his hands grips Kora’s shirt and the other climbs up to his nape. He looks up at him like a drunk man, eyes half opened, his breath is warm and when Kora kisses him, the taste of whiskey still lingers in his mouth. Kora is certain neither of them need any more alcohol to get intoxicated right now.

He missed this. He missed it perhaps more than he expected to, but it's Malani, someone who loved him and who he loved in return, someone who declared his hate for him for years, who's now reduced to a whimpering mess beneath him, at his mercy. And that, somehow, makes him feel okay, the hunger and the lust are stronger than whatever uncertainty bothered him before, it makes him feel alive.

He thrust into Malani harder, making him whimper and shut his eyes, and both of his hands grab at Kora. Both of them. The hand at his nape grabs onto his hair and pulls. Kora's breath gets stuck in his throat.

The illusion of control shatters so easily. He was stupid to even entertain it, he was stupid to give Malani all the ways to get to him before this, a pathetic whimper escapes him as he tries to get himself to breathe again, his body tenses up, expecting his head to be yanked. Malani breathes heavily, his eyes closed, is he doing this on purpose?

“Let go,” Kora manages to rasp. Malani opens his eyes again quickly, and he slowly takes his hands off of Kora as Kora pulls away.

“Are you- oh. Oh the hair thing, I forgot. Sorry,” he says, pushing himself to sit upright. Kora backs off. He feels sick. He feels like a cornered animal. He doesn't want to be seen like this. He doesn't look at Malani, he doesn't want to see him mock him for this insane overreaction, everything is wrong, it wasn't supposed to go like this.

“Kora?” Malani calls hesitantly. Kora shakes his head, trying to get himself to move, he gets off the bed, almost tripping on himself, he hurriedly zips his pants back up and backs away towards the door.

“Hey, wait, it's all right-” Malani tries to say, but Kora bolts. He stumbles through the first door he finds, the bathroom. The door locks, good. He sits on the floor, panting, the tiles are cold and he hasn't turned on the light, but light from the hallway enters beneath the door, and he can see when Malani passes by it. He knocks.

“Kora, are you okay in there?” he asks, and it dawns on Kora that he's locked himself in with no weapons and there's no escape. “I'm sorry.” Malani adds. Liar. Kora feels like throwing up. His breathing is shaky and erratic, he crawls closer to the toilet because he does actually feel like puking. When he does, it tastes like Wiskey and bile, it burns his throat. Malani asks something unintelligible and he covers his ears, curling up on the floor. He is quiet. He will not cry here. He bites his lip and he holds his breath, trying to stop the shaking. It's okay. No big deal. It's just his hair being pulled, he can handle this. It's been years since Reaper would do it, he reminds himself. He steadies his breathing and takes his hands off his ears, it's quiet until Malani knocks on the door again.

“I'll leave you alone,” he says from the other side, “but you need to unlock the door, man. I don't want to have to kick it down if you faint in there or something.” Kora takes a deep breath.

“I'm fine,” he replies, his voice cracks, his throat is too burned to be fit for talking. “Give me a minute, I'll be out.”

He flushes the toilet, and turns on the sink. He washes his face and rinses his mouth, but the taste of vomit won't leave him alone. He's okay. He can still salvage this, the night isn't over. He just hopes kissing him won't also taste like vomit.

Malani looks worried when he emerges. He hates this, the pity. It's almost as bad as being mocked. Malani starts to apologize, but Kora shuts him up with a kiss, pushing him against the wall.

“We shouldn't, Kora, you're not-”

“Please.” Kora croaks. He sounds pathetic, and he hates it. He leans his head on the wall above Malani, pinning his shouders.

“Are you sure?” Kora kisses him again in response. “Okay,” Malani relents.

“Turn around,” Kora instructs, and Malani does so with no objections. He kisses the back of his neck, biting at the skin on his shoulders. Kora unzips his pants. He has no idea where the lube bottle ended up, but it's only been a couple of minutes, so it's probably not that needed. And worst case scenario, spit is always an option.

Malani moans when he rams into him, he hits the wall, and Kora uses one of his hands to grab his jaw, angling his head up, so he can see him. With his other hand, he grabs Malani's dick, and feels his body stutter when he does. He gasps, Kora's rhythm remains even, both with his body and with his hand. They're both pent up by now, he knows that, and he just wants to finish on his terms already.

It doesn't take long for Malani to orgasm. His knees nearly give out from under him, and Kora uses the hand that isn't jerking him off to catch and hold him up, but he doesn't stop.

“Too much,” Malani whines, and Kora bites at his neck, breathing heavily himself.

“Then tell me to stop,” he teases. “You won't, because you've always been a whore for this.”

“God, fuck you,” Malani moans, leaning his head on the wall and tightening his fists so hard his knuckles turn white. Him and Kora pant almost in unison, Kora pulls out barely seconds before he finishes himself, and they both sit there for a couple of seconds, breathing heavily.

“Fuck,” Malani laughs. “This is insane. We are insane”

“Don't say you didn't enjoy it.”

“I didn't say that. Man this will be a pain to clean up.” They break apart, and suddenly its awkward again. This is insane.

“I'm down to do it again some time, as long as you don't…” Kora's voice trails off.

“Yeah. Sorry again.”

Kora decides he needs to get the hell out of here as soon as possible before the stupidity of everything he's done tonight fully hits him

[quicksilverarchive]

Usual night

1774 words

Cw: mentions of sugestive themes, domestic violence

Back to master post

Kora’s kiss tastes like alcohol.

It’s never a good sign, Malani knows, yet he can’t help but kiss back with as much vigor as he has left. That’s the nature of their arrangement, it seems: fuck first, ask questions later. He’d be lying if he said he was happy with it, but he missed this enough for that not to matter. Kora’s hands run up his neck and into his hair and for a short while, they can pretend that nothing has changed, and kiss again.

Malani’s bedroom is mostly dark, he can see Kora’s eyes reflect light, akin to a cat’s. It’s night. It’s always night when they meet, a hidden, clandestine indulgence, a result of one too many glasses of vodka or some bad hookup Kora wants to forget. No matter how hard Malani has tried to make sense of the nature of their newly rekindled relationship, it feels like an endless game of hot and cold. But if there’s one thing he knows for sure, it’s that he still wants Kora as much as he did half a decade ago, and Kora seems to feel the same, so as far as Malani’s concerned, he can use him however he pleases.

Kora is rough with him. His kisses are not gentle anymore, he bites at his lips and their teeth clack together, he pushes Malani into the bedsheets threatening to suffocate him, his whole body looming above him like some sort of predator. His hands ravage Malani’s clothes, he pins him down under him and he stares with those striking, half-opened eyes. It’s nearly uncanny, something to remind that he is a creature, that his teeth are sharp enough to break the skin, and that right now, he lacks the inhibition to keep him from biting. Malani likes it, he likes the thrill, the fear of uncertainty, but he can’t help but worry. Kora’s changed. And it's not for the better.

Kora kisses him again, hands wandering under his shirt, pulling it up, nails running across his ribs. It hurts a little, it sends shivers down Malani’s spine. As they break apart, he lets out a sigh, tightening his legs around him.

“Maybe we should undress- or at least I should,” he tries, but Kora grabs his jaw and snaps it shut. Malani nearly bites his tongue when his teeth clack together. Kora’s eyes glaze over him, not quite looking at his face.

“Quiet,” he mumbles, bending down further. He brings his head close to Malani’s ribs, scraping his teeth across them. His hand releases Malani’s jaw, and it slides down, resting around his throat, he comes closer to Malani's face, nibbling at his neck. Then he bites, and Malani lets out a small whine, hands jumping up Kora’s back, grabbing at his shirt.

“Gentle-“ he tries to remind when he lets go, but Kora just huffs.

“Complain again and I’ll draw blood.”

“Kora-“

“Shut up. Just shut up.” Kora kisses him again, and Malani reciprocates, but concern starts to creep in further. He notes to ask what happened that was bad enough for Kora to get like this, after they’re done. For now, he focuses on brushing the side of Kora’s face with his hand, tracing down the contour of his jawline. Kora’s hand seems to tighten a little around his throat. It’s not that Malani’s afraid of getting choked, but placing his hand on top of his seems like a fair precaution. His other hand wanders up Kora's back, rubbing circles, before sliding up his neck, settling on his nape, just short of touching his hair.

He pulls away slowly, looking at Malani for a moment, and anticipation starts buzzing under Malani’s skin. Kora grabs his chest and sits both of them up, pushing him against the bed frame, his hands go under Malani’s shirt again, climbing to his back. His next kiss feels desperate, pleading, he pushes his whole weight against him, and Malani feels nearly trapped. He likes it, he thinks. But he has a bad feeling. He needs to sit Kora down and have a talk about this afterward, find out where he’s been, and what happened. He hates the fact that they can’t just sit down to have these discussions without the pretext of sex. Maybe he should bring that up too. As much as this new side of Kora turns him on, it doesn’t feel healthy.

Kora’s stopped kissing him, he realizes. He’s not moving at all.

His hands have found their way under Kora’s shirt.

He pulls them away from him quickly like he touched burning iron.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

Kora opens his mouth to speak, but no sound comes out.

“I didn’t mean to, sorry, just, I was distracted-“

Kora shakes his head, inhaling sharply.

“Shut up!” He yells, his voice breaking. He looks down, closing his eyes tightly.

“I’m really sorry. We should-“

“I asked you,” Kora yells again,ramming Malani against the bed frame. “Just shut the fuck up already!” His hand seizes Malani’s throat. He can’t breathe. God, his eyes water, and his hands claw at Kora’s. “Why can’t you listen to the simplest of requests for fucks sake?” Kora bites, his eyes glazed, looking through Malani rather than at him, eyes fixed down on his chest. It seems like he’s forgotten he’s even choking him, there’s anger behind his words but there’s also a kind of… absence. What if he isn’t going to let go? Malani tries to gasp for air, to call his name, to get his attention and goes from clawing at his hand to trying to push him away.

“Kora-” he whimpers.

Kora notices his distress. He looks towards him… and stares. That’s the scariest part, maybe. He’s looking right at Malani, and he’s doing… nothing. His expression is blank. His eyes are empty.

“Please…” Malani begs, and Kora takes a deep, shuddering breath. He slowly lets go, pulling his hands close to his own chest. Malani gasps, and coughs, his hands around his throat as he curls in on himself. It was just a couple of seconds, and in another context, he might’ve even liked it. But that kind of fear, of helplessness, this isn’t what he signed up for. He’s done walking on eggshells. He needs space.

“Out,” he says hoarsely between coughs. “Out of my room. I…” Kora stares at him. Malani keeps coughing. “We’re done. Get out.” He points towards the door. Kora hesitates for a moment before silently backing away and getting off the bed. “We’ll talk later,” Malani tries to say. Kora remains quiet. He used to apologize for everything; even the slightest sign of Malani's discomfort would send him into a panic. Malani misses that. No matter how much he tries to pretend, everything has changed. He watches Kora walk towards the door and sees him close it behind him. He doesn’t doubt that by the time he comes out to talk to him, he’ll be long gone.

He rubs his throat.

This can’t go on.

[quicksilverarchive]

Mellow

1.464 words, Chronic pain and fluff

Back to master post

The shitty thing about wounds is that they never really “heal”. They always leave something behind, scars, pain, memories, it never goes back to how it was before really. And that makes winter an especially shit time.

It's been a year since the war, a week short of a year since it ended, and that in itself comes with its own unpleasant connotations, but the worst thing about it right now is the weather. The cold came quite quickly, and while Kora is most familiar with it, it does not come as great news when most bones in your arm were shattered to pieces not even a year ago. The pain comes and goes, most days it's dull and persistent, other times it comes in sharp bursts, but he's had to live with worse, so he's not one for making a fuss. Tonight, however, is especially bad, and tonight, more than other nights, he cannot complain about it. Malani is sleeping next to him, his arms wrapped around Kora, and if it weren't for the pain, this would be absolute bliss. So he shuts up and doesn't move. He's at least thankful that he's laying on his right side, laying directly on the troublesome arm might bring on an even more unpleasant experience. The room is nice and warm, but outside the rain is heavy, so he has that to blame for the sharp stinging in his shoulder and arm.

Time passes far too slowly. He can't move to grab his phone out of fear of waking up his boyfriend, he doesn't have any clock in sight, and the pain is only ever getting worse. He shifts in place slowly, trying to make himself more comfortable, without much success, he tries to readjust himself, but he's perpetually uncomfortable. He sighs quietly. This won't do. He has half a mind to just go outside and pace around the building until the morning, but he surely can't do that in the clothes he's in right now, and changing would make too much noise. He decides to risk trying to grab his phone off the nightstand instead, he tries to use his right arm to get Malani's off of him, but with the way they're laying, that proves to be quite tricky. He keeps trying, making slow progress in wiggling away from his boyfriend. He startles when Malani's arm moves, it slides up his chest and Malani pulls closer to him. Kora freezes. Malani groans.

“Kora, love?” He mumbles, his voice is raspy. Kora isn't even breathing, hoping he'll just go back to sleep. “Are you awake?”

Malani pulls his arm away from his body, then rubs his shoulder lightly. It hurts, Kora breathes in sharply, pulling away from the touch.

“Kora,” Malani speaks in a low tone. The sheets behind Kora ruffle, and he can feel Malani move.

“Yeah, I'm awake,” he replies hesitantly, barely louder than a whisper.

“Everything all right?”

“Mhm. Arm hurts but ’ts fine.” Malani is quiet, and Kora regrets saying it out loud. “M’ okay, I didn't mean to wake you,” he adds.

“Hm. You can't sleep?” Malani runs a hand down his back.

“I'm fine. Just… we should go back to sleep.”

“Is there anything I can do?” he asks instead, and Kora sighs.

“It'll pass.”

“Painkillers?” Malani mumbles.

“No,” Kora says, maybe a bit too fast.

“They don't help?”

“They might, it's just…” Kora slowly turns to lay on his back, groaning. The pain lessens slightly, the support of the mattress under his arm seems to help. He turns his head to look at Malani, who's propped up on his elbow. “It hurts so often these days, so I can't just take painkillers every time.”

Malani lays his head back down, and they're at the same level again.

“Why? If it helps you sleep…”

“Temazepam helped me sleep, and look how that ended,” he quips. “I don't want a repeat. I've dealt with worse.”

Malani reaches to caress his face and Kora sighs again, turning his head away before he can touch him.

“I'm sorry I woke you. Don't stay awake for my sake, please. There's nothing either of us can do. And it's not that bad, it hurts less when I lie on my back.”

“You can't sleep on your back…”

“It's fine,” Kora bites. “Just… It's fine. I didn't mean to wake you.”

“I don't mind, you know?” Malani yawns. “Being awake. I hope I'm at least good company if nothing else.”

“You will mind in the morning.”

“Come on, I've ran on far less sleep.”

Kora sighs again, running his right hand over his face.

“Will you please just drop this? There is nothing you can do, and I already feel like fucking shit for waking you up.”

“Sorry,” Malani says quietly. “It's just, I can't really just go back to sleep knowing that you can't. And I really don't mind. In fact, I'd rather be awake.”

Kora doesn't reply, he stares at the ceiling. A jolt of sharp pain surges through his shoulder and closes his eyes, grits his teeth, and purses his lips. It lessens after a second, but it doesn't get any better than before.

“Can I tell you something?” Malani asks quietly. “Since we're both awake anyways.”

Kora makes an affirmative sound and nods, opening his eyes to look at him.

“Maybe not the best time to bring this up.” Malani laughs quietly. “But years ago, when we were together for the first time, on the night before you got arrested…” He breathes in slowly, his eyes dart to the side. “I don't know if you remember, but you woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. And I woke up I think around the same time you did, so I heard you go out on the balcony, and I heard you… sobbing. And I… I never heard you cry like that before, and I didn't know what to do, so I just… pretended to still be asleep.”

Kora looks at him, he remembers that night, of course he does, but Malani wasn't supposed to-

“And I never brought it up because, I don't know, I thought things would just go back to normal but… Well, we both know what happened.”

“Oh, feik[1]…” Kora reaches out his right hand to cup Malani's face. “Honey, there was nothing you could've done back then either.”

“I could've been there. I want to be here.” Malani grabs his hand and brings it to his mouth, kissing it. “I don't want you to feel like a burden, my love. I want to help. And if I can't, I want to at least keep you company.”

“Sometimes I need space.” Kora pulls his hand from Malani's, resting it on his own chest.

“Do you now?”

“No…” he hesitantly admits. “If it gets too quiet my mind starts to wander.”

“Then I'll just keep you company. I got nothing important going on in the morning.”

Kora laughs drily.

“What did I ever do to deserve you?”

“My dear, you are a kind, amazing person who deserves this and so much more,” Malani replies softly.

“You may or may not be extremely biased.” Kora laughs again, this time with more heart.

“Mm, is that such a bad thing?” Malani smiles, closing his eyes. “Want me to move to the other side of the bed so you can put your head on my chest?”

“Mm, yeah. Yeah, sure.”

Malani gets up slowly, circling the bed and sitting back down on Kora's right, and Kora is thankful that the bed is big enough for him to not need to move. His boyfriend lies back down, nearly curling around him, and helps Kora readjust himself to lean on him.

“There, easy,” Malani directs him, Kora groans and grits his teeth but when he’s finally got his boyfriend’s arm around him and his heartbeat right under his head, he decides it was worth it. Malani’s hand climbs into his hair, gently massaging his scalp.

“This okay?” he asks, and Kora hums in response, leaning into the touch. He doesn’t love lying on his back, but if anything, this will make it at least tolerable. Malani hums a melody, kissing the top of his head and continuing to run his fingers through Kora’s hair, the vibration of his voice resonates in his chest. Soon enough, Malani starts to sing. It’s quiet, mostly under his breath, the lyrics are mumbled and some of them are whispered, but Gods, Kora really can’t understand how he could ever deserve this. It makes him sad for a fleeting moment, things like this never last for long, but the buzz of Malani’s voice in his chest and the sound of his heartbeat chases that thought away.

[1] feik - light

[quicksilverarchive]

Smoker’s conondrum

591 words, Kora and Malani fluff

back to master post

“I need a smoke.”

Malani opens the door to his bedroom and Kora follows him, amused. He storms towards his window frame to grab a cigarette from the pack there, and Kora uses the opportunity to snatch his lighter from the nightstand. Damn the cigarettes, he doesn’t like the smell either way.

Five minutes later, he’s sat in Malani’s bed, trying to contain his smile as Malani looks for his lighter.

“I could swear it was in this room.” He keeps repeating, pacing between the nightstand and the door. “God I’m going to go crazy. What are you sitting there smiling for?” He asks Kora accusingly and Kora realizes that he hasn’t, in fact, contained his smile. He sighs, relenting and holding up the lighter.

“Looking for this?” He asks with a sly smile.

“Oh my fucking god I can’t believe you right now. Give me.” Malani approaches quickly but Kora smiles wider, closing his fist around the lighter.

“Not for free I won’t.”

“You are impossible,” Malani says, trying to wrestle it from Kora, and Kora giggles. Malani nearly gets completely on top of him, smiling himself. “Come on, I really need a smoke, please.”

“Fine, fine.” Kora laughs. “If you want it so bad, then let me light it at least.”

“Oh?” Malani asks and Kora leans back onto the bed frame, smiling slightly. He opens the lighter with a flick of his finger and turns it on. In the dark room, the flame lights up both of their faces, and the reflection in Malani’s eyes is certainly something. Malani takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth, leaning over, closer, letting its tip touch the flame. They look at each other for a second, before Kora turns the lighter off and puts it on the nightstand. Malani doesn’t get up from on top of him. The orange light of the cigarette becomes the only light source. Malani inhales, turning his head in a different direction to blow the smoke.

“Let me taste that,” Kora says.

“Hm? You want to smoke?”

“Not really.” He grabs the collar of Malani’s tank top and pulls him closer, Malani almost falls on top of him.

“A different kind of taste then?” Malani asks with a grin.

“Just kiss me, you smug bastard.”

Malani lets out a noncommittal hum as if he’s considering it, before bending over and kissing Kora on the nose. Kora laughs and grabs him by the back of his neck, pulling him into a proper kiss.

When Malani pulls away it’s to take another puff of the cigarette.

“I like you better without the underlying cigarette smoke, you know?” Kora says

“Deal with it.” Malani blows some smoke in his direction. “I came here to smoke.”

“Am I not better entertainment?” Kora’s tail brushes malani’s face, and Malani snorts.

“If you don’t leave me alone, I’ll put this cigarette out on you,” he jokes, but Kora smiles wider.

“Do it, coward.”

Malani looks at him confused.

“Like, actually? Is that an actual request or are you just being petty?”

“Hmm… You’ll never know.” Kora gets up to kiss him again, seizing his wrists. After they break apart, he snatches the cigarette out of Malani’s hand.

“Give it back!” Malani laughs.

“No.” Kora puts it out on his own tongue.

“Oh my god you are insane.” Malani keeps laughing.

“Just keeping you healthy. It better be worth it.” Kora tossed the cigarette to the side. Malani kisses him a third time, this time wrapping his arms around him.

[quicksilverarchive]

Familiar sentiments

3.609 words, Kora’s and Heves’ first meeting

Back to master post

With a backpack full of cash and the pressing awareness of his lack of weaponry, Kora is making his way back to the motel. It’s a chilly night and the streets are as bare as you’d expect in this area of Epicentral, so with careful steps and a fair share of good luck, he might be able to make it through the rest of the night without much trouble.

Tonight’s deal was surprisingly easy. He’s been getting better at working with whatever guns people bring him, modifying them to use his ammo, and it’s a smart business model. Also, he’s been encountering very little resistance as far as payment goes lately, which is likely a sign he should start raising his prices.

The streets are dark, darker than the blinding, add filled core of the city, it looms, a mishmash of what looks like makeshift architecture and patchwork buildings, the overhanging structures or passageways that go through them making the streets even darker, lit up by the occasional shop sign and the rare functional streetlight. The air smells soggy.

Being a creature, Kora is far more familiar with the dark than the poor humans are, but that doesn’t make this run down periphery sector much easier to live in. Leaving the safety of the neutral zones in warehouses, bars and restaurants maintained by whatever gangs run them, the city is seething with conflict and idiots trying to make a name for themselves, a fact of which he is soon reminded of.

He hears their voices before he sees them, their loud, overconfident, reckless yelling. He peeks from behind the corner, careful to not let his presence be known. He shouldn’t, he knows that, but he’s curious. He should just walk past, that and not yelling slurs and laughing like a drunktard in the middle of the night are the most basic rules of this place, rules which these idiots seem to have forgotten. But he’s curious.

There’s three of them and a fourth figure on the ground. There’s a sign on one of the buildings which illuminates them with an orange glow, which makes it even easier to observe them. Gods, is this still a bad time to wish he still had his glasses? He can’t wait to get to that damned motel and take his contacts off. Which is exactly what he should be doing right now instead of staring at three hooligans laughing as they go through the backpack of some little kid while throwing their stuff on the ground like it’s the most hysterical joke. One of them searches through it, taking out some small package before throwing it into the dirty puddle on the asphalt and laughing. His movements are unbalanced, it’s clear to tell how drunk he is. The hooligans’ victim is on the ground alongside their belongings, and by the looks of it one of them has a baseball bat, which… it scares Kora to think how the kid got down there

The kid. Or a very small creature, but most likely a kid. Kora should go, he really should go. Let this be. It’s not his problem. That kid that’s lying there is not his problem, getting involved would put all the cash he worked so hard to get at risk, the stakes are too high for him to intervene. The smartest choice is to pretend he never saw this and tell himself that I would’ve been outnumbered anyways if he were to try and help. But he won’t. He should. But he won’t. ‘Why wouldn’t I?’ he asks himself. ‘Why do I have to be so stupid? I know what the right solution is’ and yet, this is just the way things have always been. He’s always known how to stay out of trouble, and yet he always got into it. That poor kid there too, he was them once, and it was torture. He would bet they could’ve avoided this situation. Not that it’s their fault that it happened, but… well, one of the drunks just kicked them in the back and they’re as limp as ever. Oh, fuck it.

The feeling of walking into that alleyway is a very strange one. He keeps my body language relaxed, chin up high, even steps, all the things he should be doing, and yet, he never really decided to walk in. He knew I was going to but just because it seemed out of character not to. And even as he’s walking towards them, unarmed and with the money he’s depending on for the next two months sitting in his backpack, he can hardly bring himself to regret it. Not after he sees the kid’s bloody face. And yeah, he’s scared as shit, but Quicksilver isn’t scared of some random thugs. Quicksilver is someone these bastards are going to be scared of.

And so Kora walks. And so, they turn to him, smug faces. Perhaps Kora’s seen them around Scarlet Reds. Perhaps they look familiar. Perhaps, a part of him is immensely satisfied when he sees their faces drop. Yet his faux confidence only helps when he’s able to hide his shaky breaths and general uneasiness which he is not doing very well at the moment.

“Hey man!” One of the men slurs, taking an unbalanced step towards him. A second leans on a baseball bat close behind. That’s… certainly not working on easing Kora’s nerves.

“Yo, it’s- it’s that one guy from the Scarlets!” The third one says, pointing a finger at hin and giggling manically.

“Not associated.” Kora clarifies quickly. Too quickly, He’s too nervous. It’s fine, they’re probably too wasted to pick up on it.

“Listen dude, we’re just having a bit of fun.” The first guy says, throwing his head back as he giggles. “Not much of- of value.”

“Yeah, well in that case, get out of here” Kora responds in the most stern tone he’s capable of right now.

“Come onnn, we’re just messing around”

“You’re wasted.” Kora stares right into his eyes. It tends to make people uncomfortable, especially when he constricts his pupils. Humans get uneasy from that, even if it doesn’t especially help his field of vision. But the idiot is swaying ever so slightly and his eyes won’t stay fixed on Kora, so it’s not really effective. The third man groans, tossing the backpack he was holding on the ground. “Why do you gotta ruin the fun?” He whines

“I have my reasons, but I owe none of them to you.” Kora keeps watching the one with the baseball bat from the corner of my eye. “You’re in no state to pick a fight. Not with me” he says in a low voice, hoping he’s either convincing enough or they’re wasted enough for this shitty intimidation attempt to pass.

“Killjoy. We-we’re done here, anyways,” the man mumbles, barely audible. The first guy rolls his eyes as they start to walk past, saying unintelligible things under their breaths. The smell of cheap Whiskey is incredibly strong despite the fact that Kora’s trying to keep a distance. By the time they reach the end of the alleyway, walking back into the main street, one of them turns and yells something along the lines of “watch your back” although his words are too slurred to be clear and his friends quickly shut him up, dragging him away.

As soon as they’re out of sight, Kora allows himself to breathe. He doesn’t show his relief, not for another ten seconds or so, until he’s sure they’re actually gone. He let out a shaky sigh, the vapors from his breath illuminated by the orange light. It’s cold, and maybe that's the actual reason his hands are shaking, but he doubts it. He shakes my head and hands vigorously, trying to get rid of the static feeling that’s making the tips of his fingers go numb, then he finally finds the courage to kneel down next to the kid.

They’re breathing. And they’re small. Kora doesn’t know human children well enough to be able to tell their age or gender. They have shoulder length hair, blonde, probably. It’s hard to tell, with how dirty it is, full of mud. Their skin seems darker than Kora’s, but with this much mud and hair over their face nothing can be certain.

Kora gently puts his hand under their head to try and pick up the kid, but then he quickly retracts it. What exactly is his plan here? The maniac who’s been accused of attacking a bunch of children running around the city carrying a little human kid? The people here might be happy to turn a blind eye on most days but even they have their limits.

This won’t do. Kora sighs and takes off his backpack, then his long coat. Gods, it’s cold, and he’ll miss having a hood, but this is better than the alternative.

He puts his backpack back on, picking up the kids’ too, then picks the kid up, cradling them to his chest. They’re light. He covers them with his coat and makes his way out of the alleyway.

Raindrops fall on the top of his head, they ripple in the puddles on the asphalt. It’s so cold, Kora needs to make his way back to the motel before the rain picks back up. So he hold the kid tighter and hurries his step.

Kora really didn’t think this through.

It’s been less than ten minutes since he picked the kid up and he’s immensely glad he managed to make his way to the motel without trouble, but what now? There’s a kid on his bed, full of mud, unconscious, with a wet hoodie on, a bloodied face and bruises starting to form around their neck, and Kora has absolutely no idea what he’s doing. Should they be unconscious for this long? Maybe he could call Malani, he should know more about, well, humans. But it’s not worth it to bother him, he can’t do crap about it. Should he take them to a hospital? Could he take them to a hospital? It could be even worse if they wake up while he’s doing that and freak out.

Okay. First and foremost, he should probably get the blood off their face before they get the bed dirty. So he finds a towel in the bathroom, dampens it and tries his best to get the dried blood off. There’s a lot around the mouth, and a shallow cut above the eyebrow… the kid makes a noise and frowns at some point, which is good, a sign that they’re alive, but the thought of them waking up unsettles him nonetheless.

Fate, however, doesn’t care for his feelings on the matter. The kid doesn’t wake up while Kora’s up in their face thankfully, but they’re panicked nonetheless. They try to get up fast and fall off the bed, and I rush back to their side. Their breaths are quick and sharp, their face is obscured by their hair falling over it, Kora reaches his hand towards them and they try to scramble away from my touch.

“It’s okay, it’s okay” he tries. “You’re safe. You’re alright.”

They push themselves until their back hits the bed frame and hurry to get their head out of their face, still hyperventilating. “Hey, I’m not going to hurt you,” Kora assures them. He back away slowly, to give them some space, and they look at him with big, terrified eyes.

“Who… where…” they try to ask weakly.

“How do you feel? Are you in pain?” Kora asks instead.

“I’m… a bit. Who are you?” They whisper.

“I’m… nobody you would know. Don’t worry about it.”

Kora sits down on the floor, at some distance from the still very scared kid, making sure to make no sudden moves.

“What’s your name?” He tries.

“Why…? Why would I tell you…”

“Okay. Okay fair enough.” Kora grins, raising his hands slightly to signal surrender. “Where do you live? Wait no, you wouldn’t tell me that either.” He frown slightly, as the kid keeps staring at him “I found you getting ganged up on by some…” he scowls, trying to think of an appropriate term. “…lowlives, in some alley. Chased them away.”

“My backpack…?” They ask hesitantly, their voice breaking.

“I picked it up. But it’s mostly empty. What they didn’t take was ruined by the mud. Couldn’t find anything to ID you with.”

They keep staring with hesitation and doubt, and zkora feels slightly uncomfortable. What is he supposed to do or say in this situation?

“Listen I don’t…” he starts, looking at his hands instead of the fearful eyes pinned on him. “I’m not going to keep you here. If you want to leave I’m not gonna stop you. But I’d much rather I was certain you were safe. So… if there’s anywhere I can take you or anyone I can call…” he shrugs.

“You’re the guy from TV…” they whisper, it’s barely audible.

“Hm?”

“Ah… sorry. Nevermind.” They avert their eyes.

“All right. Okay.” Kora gets up, and shighs. He takes another couple of steps away from the kid and stretches his arms. “I’m gonna go take a shower. If you want to stay here tonight, that’s okay, but this is a motel so, I’m only starting till tomorrow morning. If you want to leave, that’s okay too, but I wouldn’t say you do it on your own, since you hurt. You can tell me to call whoever. Still…if you do leave, I’m not gonna stop you. Also, tell me if you have any injuries I didn’t see that need tending to. I tried my best but,” he shrugs again, “I’m no doctor.”

The kid nods hesitantly but doesn’t say anything back. That’s okay, Kora didn’t expect them to. He’ll give them some time to decide what they wants to do.

They left.

That’s fine. Kora wasn’t going to keep them here. They can do whatever, right? He would’ve done the same as a kid. Besides, not his child, not his responsibility. He can’t just pick up every stray he finds out here, he’s gotta take care of his own skin.

…

He should go after them-

No. No, he shouldn’t. No. He should pack my shit up and start heading home. Yeah, he was planning to leave the next morning, but he can’t run the risk of that kid calling the police on him.

But… would it be so bad if he just checks, though? Just, on his way home. Make sure they’re all right. He wouldn’t have to follow them, he can just… check they aren’t hurt. Yeah… yeah that’s what he wants to do. It’s not bad, right? He’s just checking.

Outside is still cold, and darker than before. It’s so late. He’d much rather be home asleep but, if he doesn’t do this chances are he won’t be getting any sleep at all.

There’s footprints in the mud, and they’re probably the kid’s. They don’t go on for long, but Kora follows their general direction, wondering if he can even actually find them. And fortunately, he does.

Unfortunately, the circumstances in which he does are not ideal.

It seems that the pack from earlier decided to use the river canal to take their revenge on the kid. Kora’s heart sinks. They’re holding them by their hoodie, over the edge, about to let go, and he wants to intervene but before he can even move the kid slips. Maybe they weren’t intending to let go. Water splashes and they run away, Kora pays no mind to them and sprints towards the kid without really caring if anyone sees him.

They’re not sinking but they’re holding on for dear life onto the V-shaped edge of the canal, part of them already submerged in water. Kora takes his coat off quickly and jumps over the edge.

“It’s okay,” he tries to assure them. “It’s all right, don’t move, I’ve got you.”

He holds onto the top of the edge as he reaches for their arm, and right as he grabs it, they slip further down, splashing water on both of them. They whimper, Kora tries to stabilize and push himself further up.

“It’s all right, breathe, don’t tense up too much," he says, trying to pay no mind to both of their shivering hands. “I’m gonna pull you up. You’re gonna have to try to climb.”

He tries to pull both of them up, they make some progress before the kid slips again slightly and gasps with fear, freezing up.

“You’re all right, we’re getting there,” Kora insists, and he finally manages to get a good grip of a piece of fence at the top of the edge. “All right. Hold on for a little bit longer.” He manages to get further up, already out of breath. From there on, it’s way easier to get them on solid ground, and to his relief, there seems to be no sign of the any people nearby.

The kid’s trembling, their teeth audibly clatter, Kora quickly wraps the coat around them and picks them up, encountering no resistance. It’s dark, slightly raining, and He’s cold, wet and tired, they urgently need to get back inside.

So, back to the motel it is. He have it rented till the morning, so they’ll be making use of that. It’s a short walk there thankfully, and gods know warm air has never felt better.

They need to get dry. Kora only haves one change of clothes on me though, so he lets the kid have his singular, comically oversized T-shirt, and just put on his outside coat instead. He bundles them up with blankets and boils then some warm water, still terribly, terribly cold himself. But he’s used to it, he grew up in Rosewood after all.

He sits on the side of the bed where the kid is, passing them the cup of warm water he made. They grab it with both of their hands, bringing it close to their face, letting the steam warm it up.

“Thanks.” They say quietly. “For, um… this. And everything else, I guess.”

“It’s fine. Enjoy it.” I blow into my own cup, watching as the steam curls.

“Sorry you had to… yeah. Sorry,” they squeak.

“Kid…” Kora lets out an amused huff “it’s okay. You did nothing wrong.”

He takes a sip from the tea, looking back at them.

“My name’s Kora. Mind telling me yours now? Or still no”

“I’m… uh… I’m Heves.”

“Heves…” he pronounces it back, as if to memorize it. “That a boy or a girl name?”

“Boy!” He responds quickly, sounding slightly offended, and Kora chuckles.

“So, Heves. You got anywhere to go?”

“Not really…” he says quietly.

“So then, what are you planning to do?”

“Can I…” he starts hesitantly, before stopping. He takes another sip of water before he finds the courage to continue. “Can I… stay with you? For a bit?”

Korq knew this was coming. Maybe he hoped it was. But he sighs either way, and Heves looks terrified.

“I, uh, you don’t have to! I mean, I’ll figure something out either way I just…”

“Kid. Heves.” This is maybe the most words he’s said since Kora’s met him. “You can. We’ll figure something out. Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh. Thanks…” he goes back to quietly drinking his tea. “This tea is good.” He adds. “It’s warm.”

Korq humw, smiling slightly as he thinks back of being huddled together under blankets with Kanyo after cold days.

“Where my brother and I grew up, it was always very cold. The best part of the cold is warming up after.”

“Did you also have tea?” Heves asks.

“Sometimes. A lot of the time I’d make us both eat hot peppers.”

“Really?” His eyes widen with curiosity and I’m glad to see him get more animated. “Why?”

“They make your blood run quick. Warms you up in a second, and wards off colds. At least I think so. It’s worked for us.”

“Cool... Will you have me eat one?”

“Do you want to?” Korq laughs.

“Not really…”

“Well good because I don’t have any.”

The kid hums in return and goes back to his tea. Kora gets up from the bed, watching him sit there comfortably and resigning himself to sleeping on the floor.

It’s past midnight and it’s been a long night, so it doesn’t take long for Heves to fall asleep. And strangely enough, Kora can’t realy be upset that he “picked him up”. Is it a logistical nightmare that will give Malani ammo to make fun of him with till the end of time? Absolutely. But he can’t regret it, and I

he would do it again.

He sets up his space for sleeping on the floor, and when he finally falls asleep, Kora’s warm, and he knows the kid is too.

[quicksilverarchive]

Quicksilver’s

TRIGGER LIST

Content warning for:

smoking and drinking

child abuse

child neglect

child abandonment

parentification

poverty

human (and otherwise) experimentation

underage violence

general violence

police brutality

substance use/abuse

addiction & withdrawal

mental illness

torture

gore

canibalism (implied)

psychological abuse/manipulation

war

self harm

attempted suicide/suicide

halucinations

sleep deprivation

medical malpractice

injury/severe injury

disability

death

grief

disordered eating (no EDs, just self neglect)

derealization

depersonalization

delusions/paranoia

sex/sexual themes

sexual abuse/rape

dubious consent

gun violence

cosmic horror

etc/to be added