quarzkristall

[quarzkristall]

in my long intellectual pursuits and eventual burn out i found myself lost among alienating and thoughts that severed the spirit from its body. my mind became cruel, conflicted, angry; it lacked ground upon which to stand, immanence. why is it that the western philosopher, perhaps with the exception of Nietszche, so despise the earthly and this-worldly? I was long ashamed of my attraction to witchcraft but of all spiritual practices this one seems most natural to me. i used to say i wanted to live in solitude and silence but now i think, i want to found my own school and found an autonomous commune in the alps. i always loved to cook, to plant, to walk barefoot on the earth and work with my grandparents in the garden. how could have i been so distanced from myself into such conflict, such self imposed cruelty? i need to rediscover my voice, my fire.

[quarzkristall]

temps d’automne. une nouvelle phase de ma vie

Nietzsche était ma phase d’initiation. Face à un tel géant, j’étais petite et maigre en caractère. J’étais envahi, absorbée par sa pensée toute puissante. J’allai au-delà de qui j’étais pour devenir celle qui je suis, se détruisant et se reconstruisant, apprenant les limites et la sagesse du corps autant que la folie et cruauté d’esprit. Mais la dureté avec laquelle je se traitais m’a rendu du charbon au diamant, mais même avec cette dureté le diamant se brisait lui-même avec sa propre force. La force, la discipline ; ma vie était pourvue de joie et j’avais une rage vers touts plaisir et bien être. J’étais minérale, un squelette ; un ascète, un haïsseur du corps. Mais même cette fleur douloureuse pleine d’épines m’apportait un fruit mûr et doux, autant que mes plus profondes douleurs se transformait dans mes plus hautes joies, mon plaisir terrestre et jouissance dans ses nourritures. L’automne, le temps du murissement et fruit, le temps de récolte. Et après -le repos, l’hiver, et sa beauté glaçante, la naissance et la mort.

[quarzkristall]

Skeletons do they wish to be. Yet still bound by flesh and skin, by blood and nerve they are. Minerals. Rocks do they wish to be. Indifferent to rain and sun, moss that may grow, wind that may blow. Cliffs that break, break in multitudes and tumble. And yet, no matter how high your hunger may take you, your arrogance will blind you to the wisdom of the body.

Small thing is soul, nothing and void it truly is. Those who deny their flesh are still bound. The body is wise, wise beyond ego, self and soul. Small are your thoughts, convictions, words and beliefs, great is the tacit wisdom of your body.

So fuck it. I want my choccy milk, I get it.

[quarzkristall]

I need help.

All passes but I can’t know how long this peace or at least functional state of mind will last.

If there is someone with similar experiences I could talk to it would mean a lot because there won’t be anyone to hold me down when this comes again so I don’t hurt myself or someone else. I need to function. I need to work it’s not a question of how badly I feel. I am completely irrelevant. If I do not function and work I don’t deserve to live anyway. There can be a thousand voices screaming at me but I need to get work done because life is meaningless and absurd one way or another but I laugh in its face and keep pushing this rock that keeps falling that is my daily life.

[quarzkristall]

i dont know.

i feel such anger and confuion at myself and this world

ill never be enough nothing ever will nothing nothing nothing

i dont know how many exercises ive made but itll never be enough until my whole body is aching my mind just feels like ots screaming at me

i dont deserve food

i dont deserve watr

i wish i could work myself to death, fall aslep and never wake up again.

im tired, the sun rises only to be replaced by an icy storm. my legs feel restless

what the fuck do i want

i wish a car ran me over or i finally died of hypothermia. but hey i guess its good for me, my pants are slipping off how thin i am. 

i see my psychiatrist every month or two and we might as well have fucking small talk because so far, i dont see how it helps.

no i dont cut myself anymore but i just wish id be stable fr a day you knw? not be happy and excited and feel like im on top of the fucking world only to throw myself off that same height to the depths of hell. 

why cant the gooddays last.. nothing lasts. 

i wish i was happy. 

[quarzkristall]

What is strength? Is it the hardness of the iron, or the transformation of water. For iron can be hardened as much as softened, a sharp blade can it be if well smithed. Yet iron too can be broken, melted. Nowhere near is it the strength of water. For water can form into the hardest and coldest ice, a million snowflakes create a storm. A wave of a tsunami can it be, a million droplets of rain too. Yet silently does it form, silently does it change yet it’s thunder may be defeaning.

Still humbly does it patter on my roof at night. It’s mist clears at break of dawn. It is what gives life to you and me. Because destruction is an inevitable part of creation, just as birth is to death. Yet it never stops and never lasts, so listen.. infinite is the wisdom of rain.

[quarzkristall]

Yes I wrote this on a fucking ereader

Happy new year hehegwg my phone is on 69%

The last one I just said fuck it and wrote it in probably awful german. Anyways I’ve been reading Nietzsche ✨😳💅 what joy. This years been transformative, that’s for sure...

Might? Might do a transcript?? But messy ereader essays just give off such a vibe and aesthetic, the broken language shows the fervour I wrote it with.

[quarzkristall]

A whole thing I wrote at, 3 am on a book I got as a gift

Merry Christmas, or any other festival celebrated, or just happy holidays.

Might do a transcript of this, probably can’t read this. Thanks a lot to our neighbour that gave me the book! About time I read something outside abstract jargon.

[quarzkristall]

I’m not even sure who I am anymore.

Life is a dream, a cross hallucination.

And yet it is the only reality I know. My mind my enemy, the hatred I have for it’s lies. Yet, what is truth?

[quarzkristall]

New sculpture I made and new book!

Greatly enjoying my new book by @loneberry I found in a small bookshop.

You can see more of my art on @degenerate-gnome .

[quarzkristall]

Notes for a possible little essay I’m working on. At the moment in (messy) German, mostly just a direct sketch of my train of thought, inspired by my readings of Gunther Änders and Kant, and of course my own bullshit.

I’m not sure this is in chronological order, if you can read this your eyes are beyond human

[quarzkristall]

you know, for a very long time i lived in fear. fear of sleep, as it was dark and my mind would make me see monsters and threats in each corner. fear of walking outside, as it felt like there was a threat at every corner. at one point, fear of food, and a hatred and alienation from my body. i wanted to run away. not from my home, nor people i lived with, but myself. i still get panic attacks that make me lose a sense of reality and i still feel as though stagnant and inferior to the person i can be and must become, being overcome by fear, hatred, as if standing in front of a being larger than myself. though this curse may only be a gift of the most demanding and strict teacher i have in my life, my anxiety. and the torment i feel shows me there is still much to learn.though, in the end i wish to have a quiet and peaceful life in my mountains, living in complete solitude and completion. one day i hope to know true peace and tranquility, free of desire or anxiety.but so long there is suffering, it must be overcome, something must be utterly strived for.

[quarzkristall]

You are what is hidden. That is why we’re so desperate to see mirrors, our proper projection. When we’re blind in our seeking, blinding denial.

Hierarchies exist for those scared of their own mediocrity. But that which performs the “I” is infinitely more complex than the surface of the ego, it does not need to aconowledge itself or be aware as it is omnipresent and all knowing. The most powerful words are those not spoken, as much as true knowledge is knowing you know nothing.

This too is a projection. The most important is never perceived or said as it is already there.

[quarzkristall]

being an artist is in a certain sense political, more than politics itself, more than the very sense of that word.. where one merely wears a mask, performs a spectacle, exists in a theatrical fiction, the other is statement itself, even when that statement is void or hidden, perhaps then it resonates the strongest without even being percieved. one day i want to be nothing, but so the whole world knows my work.

you will know once you forget, hear when you no longer percieve the sound

omnipresence is invisble.

[quarzkristall]

All that is hidden is the most present

The invisible the most visible.

Technology becomes nature, an ever present eye of a surveillance camera so banal. Technology becomes nature as it renders nature alien, therefore visible, therefore other and outside, as we build walls we think protect us. When the walls themselves are nothing but another part of all, alienation is superficial yet omnipresent.

We all hide, and wish to be what we are not

All wear masks in fear of the other

And perhaps that fear, alienation, fragmentation is what unites us.

We are what we fear, so long we run from monsters they will grow ever stronger and more present. Become who you are, recognise your unknown as denial and hiding will only make them more present in our ignorance.

We wish to be what we are not. Hope is the biggest curse. Face what you deny. All walls will crumble, though perhaps they are weakest when they must be enforced. The psyche is reflected in the world “outside” as it is intimately tied, in its hiding. Nothing belongs, nor can be possessed. We are all thieves and inventors of our proper reality, realities that will reflect beyond the ego. As the ego too is but another fictions wall, an idea we posses. What a paradox, illusion that keeps repeating itself, to fight against a perceived entropy, end. When we are dead and alive each moment we do not percieve. Bits and pieces traverse everywhere, nothing can be conserved, what is constant is only change itself.

What gives form, is formless. So too is what creates sound soundless. We seem to be finite, yet are divisible to infinity. So too we weave chaos into perception, a reality we call our own. Perhaps the most banal is the most sophisticated in hiding. You will find once you stop to seek. What becomes effortless is what takes most effort to master.

Our paradox creates harmony, and harmony chaos.

[quarzkristall]

you shoudnt be hre yet you are.

yu haunt my mind

you haunt my heart

you haunt my body, and perhaps even the soul if the is such a thing.

the food i skip, the skin i bite, the head i bash never seem to make you go away.

you tighten my lungs until im gasping for air while trying to be silent

all you do is fill my eyes with tears.

i cant look at you yet you wont stop chasing me.

who are you, old friend? enemy? teacher? do mirrors lie or does the light skew them.

youre not real. youre not. i wont let you be

be taht the end of me

be that the end of you.

embrace me before i wish i could stab you to death with a pencil. you horrid monster.

you shouldnt be here.

you are not real. 

i dream of running, running far from here

jumping on a train to a place faraway, a place that feels like home when my life feels like that of a stranger.

but im still a child. just another dreadful day at school

just another day acting

sometimes the mask i wear is hard to carry. 

who am i? nobody will ever understand.

[quarzkristall]

this life does not feel like my own.