puer-heros-est

[puer-heros-est]

(Storming into the staff room)

Snape: I'm pissed!

McGonagall: Again or still?

Snape: *sighs*... I don't even know anymore

[puer-heros-est]

[puer-heros-est]

Snape: You ever just get a sharp stabbing pain in one of your organs and think ah fuck its finally happening

[puer-heros-est]

Kidnappers: We have your nephew.

Snape: You have Draco?

Kidnappers: Yes.

Snape: His father will be hearing about this.

[puer-heros-est]

Snape: I have issues.

Lupin: Finally, you admit it! The first step to redemption is accept-

Snape: With you.

[puer-heros-est]

Snape: Are you a newspaper?

Harry: No, why?

Snape: Because it's a new issue with you every fucking day.

[puer-heros-est]

Snape: You know when you tap a YouTube video to find out how long you've got left of it?

Snape: I wish I could do that when talking to people

[puer-heros-est]

Hermione: I don't think Snape is pleased with you.

Harry: Why do you say that?

Hermione, *reading aloud*: "Dear Potter, I hope this message finds you before I do."

[puer-heros-est]

McGonagall: Why are you on the floor crying?

Dumbledore: This book is so fucking SAD

Snape: That's my diary...

[puer-heros-est]

Dumbledore: Y'know, Harry, sometimes you really remind me of Severus.

Harry:

Snape: *stunned silence*

Snape: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

[puer-heros-est]

Sirius: Hello, Snape. Surprised to see me?

Snape: I didn't say Bloody Mary three times, so yes

[puer-heros-est]

Dumbledore: You need to react when people cry.

Snape: I did. I rolled my eyes.

[puer-heros-est]

Harry (to Voldemort): So you want to be a God huh?

Harry (cracking his knuckles): I can at least arrange for you to meet him

[puer-heros-est]

Voldemort (to his Death Eaters): If I die my funeral will be the party of the century and you're all invited

Lucius: ... If?

Snape: Great, the first party I've ever been invited to and he might not even die

[puer-heros-est]

(Project: He Who Will be Maimed - Secret Taskforce Meeting - Dumbledore's Office)

Dumbledore: Time for plan G

McGonagall: Don't you mean plan B?

Dumbledore: Nope, we tried plan B a long time ago. Didn't work.

McGonagall: C?

Dumbledore: I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties with Hufflepuffs having "moral codes"

Sprout: What about plan D?

Flitwick: Plan D was a desperate seduce and destroy attempt about half an hour ago

Lupin: And plan E?

Dumbledore: I'm hoping not to use plan E. Snape dies in plan E

Snape: I like plan E.

Snape: ... All those in favour raise your hand

....

Snape: ✋

[puer-heros-est]

Lupin: Will you go out with me?

Snape: Nah.

Lupin: I have a good heart.

Snape: I don’t need a transplant.

[puer-heros-est]

Snape: Yeah I’ll probably die alone.

Waiter: No Sir I said “will you be dining alone”.

Snape: Oh...