publiclyalive

[publiclyalive]

Can we please talk about right now how I literally do not have a clear realistic depiction of ANYTHING in my head?

I literally will be threatened by something, and have a complete episode of paranoia where I assume all these dramatic and unrealistic things are going to happen.

and most of the time whatever actually happens is never even on my radar. at all. whatsoever.

Am I okay? The answer is no, no I am not.

[publiclyalive]

I do not have a clear mental depiction of who I am, in my head, I can do anything, I can be anything, I am anything. But then I go into life🤠 and insist on succumbing to my fear and insecurity. Courage only exists in my head in a version of myself that does not externally exist on this planet.

[publiclyalive]

I feel like I’m waking up, but I don’t like what I’m waking up to. I don’t want to go back to my dream, but I’m weary of the day ahead.

[publiclyalive]

I feel like I have a hard time connecting with people. Especially lately, it just always feels like... there’s some sort of wall up. Like I can never really connect. Like I’m in a clear bubble and there is just always a barrier.

And how am I supposed to get better at these human connections? How am I just supposed to love people despite their faults? What is that like? How does it feel? All I can do is harbor anger for others.

It hurts. And it’s difficult. And I don’t know how to fix it.

[publiclyalive]

i keep waiting around for things to happen to me. i never make things happen for myself. i need to make things happen for myself.

[publiclyalive]

i sit here and look at myself and wonder “how could i ever found this attractive?” and then wonder “how could anyone ever find this attractive?” when it relates to me and my body.

i assume anyone would be embarrassed to have me on their arm the way im embarrassed to have myself on my arm.

[publiclyalive]

for so long i’ve always imagined myself in my fantasy scenarios as me but... skinny. me with... a different body.

and so i would therefore look at myself in the mirror and honestly be confused at what i saw. and then i wouldn’t just look at myself as a whole, but zoom in on the largeness of my stomach, the flatness of my ass, and the blemishes of my skin.

and i would wear clothes that i thought just... hid it?? i sat there and honestly thought “if i wear this then people will only see me how i want them to see me.” they won’t see what my body actually looks like. i had no idea that my loose clothes didn’t just erase my body type.

i was seeing a guy and i expressed some of my insecurities to a friend about how i was scared he wasn’t going to like me anymore when he found out i didn’t have a small waist, and my friend looked at me with confusion. she looked at me and was like “that doesn’t make sense. he’s already seen you, and he knows what you look like.”

when i heard that i literally didn’t get it or even comprehend it in the way she was explaining it to me. i was thinking “well he knows about what I’ve SHOWN him, not what i ACTUALLY look like”

and around that same time frame, a girl i was acquainted with asked me something about my clothes and said “because i feel like we have a similar body type” and i was literally so confused. i was thinking “my body doesn’t look like hers??? how would she even know if we did have a similar body type??? she isn’t seeing what i’m seeing???”

and to this day i still feel like i don’t know what i actually look like. i look in the mirror and see myself, but when i imagine myself, it is someone completely different.

i suppose i will never be truly comfortable in my body until i fantasize my ~perfect scenarios~ with my current body in them.

[publiclyalive]

yay for ear piercings!

[publiclyalive]

honestly why are school uniforms a thing??? like here let us reform not only your mind to get you to think how we want you to but let us also take away main sources of individuality and personal decision making choices in order to make young people further conform to this soldier/worker mindset ?????

[publiclyalive]

i do not wish to work for someone else for my entire life so i think i just won’t.

[publiclyalive]

i have been living the past 18 years of my life purely for other people and their validation. the only things i seem to complete and follow through with are things that other people expect from me. if i need intrinsic motivation to do it it simply won’t happen.

[publiclyalive]

i love and appreciate my family. i think now it may be better for me to not live with them for substantial periods of time anymore. they carry such a god like influence over my life it may be better to just start taking care of myself.