psycholadki

[psycholadki]

Letter to God

Dear God, I cannot talk to him, please tell him that he's more than enough. I am afraid, I have never been afraid of my own fate as I am of his, cuz when you love someone you want them to be at peace. I know that I am not his peace in this lifetime, so can you please tell him to not go after the pretty girls with deceiving hearts? To not go after shiny material life which promise comfort but takes away one's soul? Can you request him to listen to the little inner voice inside of him? And can you be that voice which doesn't let him settle for someone who is not good for his soul? He is literally, literally the most perfect man that my soul has ever witnessed. He just doesn't see it. Please help him see his real worth. Can you ask him to listen to his body? For it will shiver with anxiety at the wrong touch and will feel like chilled water on a sunny day to quench the thirst for peace with the right person. Dear God, he is a good soul but has been ruined by this cruel world and refuses to be vulnerable for he'd rather die than appear weak in other's eyes. Please tell him, he will never be weak for being his authentic self with the right person. Dear God, let him be on his own till the time he has learned his self worth, every rejection is divine redirection. Help him to not take those rejections too personally. For therein, he is going to find his peace. Dear God, let him develop his faith in you and find peace in your prayer, find peace in his devotion and find peace in every moment of his life, for when he finds peace at every step then he won't look for peace outside of himself and will eventually know that it has always belonged to him. Till that time, until I meet him again, dear God please love him for me.

[psycholadki]

Upon deep introspection and reflection, I realised that you did not love me, I simply wanted you to love me. On a quantitative scale of measurement, you gave me enough to keep hoping and yet not quite enough to fill my heart with love. I wanted you to bridge the gap so badly that I did it myself through my fantasies and imagination, but one cannot love on behalf of two people. I learned it the harder way

There is a difference between 'you loving me' and 'me hoping that you loved me'.

Somewhere in between those two worlds, the lines between reality and fantasy got blurred.

I wanted you to love me, but you did not. I hoped so much that you would bridge the gap between my hopes of our future and reality, but all my desperate attempts pushed you farther away instead.

I have to quit. I have to make a decision for myself. I can either stay in my fantasy world with you (no matter how tempting it may be) or I can build my own garden for myself.

I can stay a child or I can grow up and be the woman I dreamt of becoming.

[psycholadki]

you are a whole person full of love. You were born whole, what that means is you do not require anyone else to make you feel whole. You can let go of “that person”. What’s holding you back? You are already everything you need.

[psycholadki]

Breakups are like mini ego-deaths, it is not so much about losing someone special rather it is about us admitting to ourselves that we made a mistake, this choice wasn't made to serve our highest growth. Accept the death of your own ego and then it will be easier to accept the reality of breakups.

[psycholadki]

Story of my Inner Children

Luna and Sol

Moon and sun

Aries and Scorpio

I have two inner children, one is a boy, his name is Sol (sun), and he is the elder one. Other is Luna (moon), she is my smaller and quieter one. Although at the moment I won't call them siblings as they don't have a relationship with each other.

Sol is very angry, he is angry at the injustice he had to face while growing up, he is angry as his self-esteem is hurt by the society around him. His ego is belittled and he only has rage and rage inside of him.

Luna is very hurt, she is too hurt, too quiet, too fragile, and too compliant, whatever she does is for other people, she is just trying to survive. Sol screams at Luna, she listens and doesn't reciprocate for the fear of the consequences. She stays quiet, and the accumulates Sol's anger in her body. She gets stressed and is in a lot of pain. She wears her pain on her skin, whereas Sol wears his anger on his sleeves.

Journey of reparenting Luna and Sol

Luna gets very happy when I do self-care, I notice her one day and ask her what do you want me to do for you sweetheart? She replies, I want to do bubble bath.

I give myself a bubble bath, she gets very happy.

While it is easy to make Luna happy, I just have to do the dreadful task of getting up from my sleep and do what's best for her. However, making Sol happy is another task, in our society it is unacceptable for women to express anger. I had to repress that part of my psyche in order for me to survive. In order to make Sol happy, he only has one wish from me, he wants me to express my anger, to lash out at people for taking me for granted, for taking advantage of me, he is even angry at me because he thinks I voluntarily let people take advantage of me. He wants me to express my anger towards the intended people who have harmed me in the past, he wants me to stand up for my rights, he wants me to be assertive and express myself without fear of rejection. He wants me to say no without rejecting others and without being my own rejecter.

If only I listen to both Luna (my emotions) and Sol (my ego) and meet their needs, I would have natural boundaries and all the abusive or toxic people would fall away from my life who benefitted immensely from me not having any boundaries in the past.

I hope to reparent both Luna and Sol, so that I can form a loving relationship with them and also hope that someday they both can also have a loving sibling relationship with each other and in turn take care of each other. I will be very happy if my inner children are happy i.e. their needs are met and properly nourished.

P.s.- I will take care of me for you :')

[psycholadki]

Virgo North Node in the 2nd House

Two of the most difficult axes of north node are in the signs of Virgo-Pisces and Taurus-Scorpio. The life lessons encompassing the axis of 2nd-8th house combined with the signs of Virgo-Pisces have to do with healing and security.

The sign of your north node shows what work you have to produce in this lifetime whereas your house placement shows which area of life will be affected.

House placement is more important than the sign of the north node.

Focus on achieving 2nd house goals as the main theme using the undertone of Virgo sign on your North Node.

Let's unpack what North node in 2nd house means, when you have your north node in the 2nd house, it serves similar purpose to the sign of Taurus but 2nd house and Taurus are not the same.

It is imperative to be self-sufficient in this lifetime as dictated by your north node in the 2nd house instead of being reliant on other's resources. You have to earn a living and learn how to manage wealth.

With 2nd house on your north node you derive easy money from others, but you really have to push yourself to create for yourself and build your self-esteem.

Plod on like a persistent and patient worker, stick with your vision for manifestation even if it takes longer than expected.

Never compromise your values for anything or anyone. Do it because it is at the core of who you are not because you want to please others.

Don't second guess yourself, don't be afraid of your choices and love the people you love even when they are not approved by the society/status quo.

Let go of your dependence on others for everything. Trust yourself, define your values, and work on your goals, non- attachment to material and who you were.

Having north node in Virgo means you have to embrace practicality and discernment over fantasy and escapism from the past lives. The most straightforward explanation of north node in Virgo would be you have to value maintaining a balance between your mind and body, discriminate between what is best for you vs what you are best without and devoting yourself to service to the society in a practical way.

The challenge comes from your south node in Pisces, when you may feel as you have achieved enlightenment and have become ego-less, you do not need to deal with the material world since you are over this. You are from the bottom of your soul a very kind and selfless person. You are so giving that your giving nature proved to be a detriment to your last lives.

Added to the mix of Pisces south node, if you combine 8th house what you get is someone who has devoted lives to spirituality and was unfairly manipulated by power struggles since you were not the ones in charge, you were dependent on others for resources and wanted to merge with the universe. Often the only possible way was through day-dreaming, addictions, alcoholism and any other means of escaping.

The key in this lifetime, with North node in Virgo in the 2nd house is be grounded in reality. Virgo and 2nd house (Taurus) are both earth signs, they trine each other (so do Pisces and Scorpio on your south node) but having the combination of earth signs on your north node means that practicality and being grounded will help you achieve your goals. Becoming and bringing in earth energy will help you stay focused, being in the nature, being aware of your surroundings, being worldly wise and being able to earn one’s own income through practical avenues.

Seeing your ideas (Virgo- ruled by Mercury) into a physical manifestation (product of 2nd house) is your ultimate quest in life.

You are called upon to be a hard worker with values of devotion to mankind, minding your own business, drawing strong boundaries to understand what you want in life and how much are you willing to share and how much should you keep with you. Having a balance between give and take in relationships as well as realizing that you help others through helping yourself.

Your self-care is also a service to the society, build your self-esteem by working towards concrete goals.

Becoming a writer, doctor, healer, therapist or writing your business plan and then implementing a plan of action to achieve the goal is where your pot of gold lies.

You have already seen that material world is not the answer, the idea is not to immerse yourself with material world but rather to strike a balance in your universe so that nobody can take advantage of your kind heart and you can still achieve 100% of your goals by providing service to humanity and that uplifts your self-esteem and zest for life to give back more to society from a place of healthy self-love.

Life Purpose in two words: Grounded Earnings

South node in Pisces: - Ungrounded, floating in the mystic world without proper ground beneath one, giving other people one’s personal power to save relationships and other people.

South node in 8th house: - Learning to come to balance with matters relating to intimacy, co-dependency, and deep things in your life. Let go of support from others- financial, physical, moral, spiritual, legacies, sex, occult, assets of partner, psychic sensitivity.

North node in 2nd house:-Discover your own values, depend on yourself and to establish our self-worth through our own efforts. We cannot develop our self-worth through others alone, it needs to come from within.  Learning to define our goals based on our values, and then to work toward achieving them in a patient manner, will help us achieve more happiness and inner balance.

North node in Virgo: - You are learning how to discern between real and fantasy, practically moving towards one’s goals by following routines. Practically healing and nursing people through concrete ways.

The Issue of Values-

"You don’t go shopping for your own valuables because you only value what other people own. You want what they have because you don’t value your own experiences or your own feelings. Other people hold all of the power. Taking what they have is your way of feeling less inferior and invisible." – Heather Havrilesky

Another issue with this placement is feeling others have it better, going after your best friend's guy, or buying the latest gadget as per society's approval or wanting whatever other people are having because you value 8th house and you are just beginning to learn about 2nd house (your own values), so therefore you value other's viewpoints more than your own. 2nd house points to minding one's own business and doing hard work and taking a break here and now to smell the roses, to appreciate the small things in life about nature we take for granted such as spending a day in the field. With your south node in the 8th house, you've experienced trauma, psychological torture, wars, famine and what not, so this is the lifetime where you get to experience the opposite swing and enjoy life's simpler pleasures with gratitude and by being generous. Live and let go~

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Havrilesky, H., 2018. [Blog] THE CUT.

[psycholadki]

So much for your Happy Ending </3

If you love someone, you should never tie them down to you, give them space, all the space they need, be tender with them, be their safe space, their cushion to fall back on, their ground. They should feel safe to come to you when they are feeling injured psychologically or emotionally threatened. Don't make them jump hoops to get to you, or fawn over you just so you could feel safe. Have their best interests in your heart. Let go your need to control them, don't people please or act kind when you are not in the mood just to manipulate them later. Don't keep the score, it doesn't work like that, love isn't I have given my 50% and you will give your 50%. No, it is about me bringing my whole being to be with your whole existence, 100%. When I give that is when I am loving you, there's no guarantee that you are not going to abandon me, I will have to risk it while giving you my everything. That is the biggest risk of all, giving your all to someone and not knowing whether they will reciprocate or fall for someone else over time. You still love them, what choice do you have? They are worth the risk, worth the pain. So the next time, they leave you for someone else, let them go because that's true love, don't hold it against them and look deeply into their eyes and tell them you really love them. This is the happy ending, not the one you expected but the one you gave them.

[psycholadki]

Mars square North Node natal

With North Node square Mars, Mars-ruled talents and instinctual abilities are brought over that must be utilized in a harmonious way. If not, the dynamic and highly combustible Mars energy may turn inward, causing neurosis, obsession, or fighting some demon or adversary within. While there are excellent resources to draw from, the Mars energy is most in need of direction.

This aspect presents a delicate situation because you must learn to use the energy in a more diluted form than what is really possible. A sort of brake is applied to the degree of aggression you are allowed to express. You are learning to release the controlling energy at a gentler, more subdued or graceful pace. If you can't learn to curb these energies, it will be done for you, most likely in unfavorable circumstances.

Be careful of expressing very temperamental or angry feelings or becoming overly aggressive physically. Your health may start out as robust, but there is a tendency to put excessive strain on the body, which weakens it, causing eventual weariness or breakdown.

There is a tendency to find yourself on the disagreeing side of things. You may find that you arouse a lot of opposition in others because of this, feeling alienated in your values as a result. You might find yourself almost pre-disposed to acting on your own or making the decisions in group settings, upsetting the group dynamic with the way you do things.

You must learn to be less defensive, not everyone is out to get you or fight you, and you must stop using this as an excuse to be aggressively self-involved and inconsiderate of others’ values. To fulfill your soul’s purpose, channel your tendency to be defensive of your beliefs into more constructive channels.

[psycholadki]

" Let's break each other's hearts with honesty rather than pleasing each other with our half-loved and already sacrificed souls."

[psycholadki]

I surrender you(r) love to the universe

13th May 2020 I surrender you to the universe my love, our situation is out of my control, there's nothing I can do to control your feelings for me, to control the outcome of our relationship, to control peace and harmony, to know that you would not cheat on me in the future, to know that you would stay even if my beauty fades away and intellect is not as sharp or up to date as it used to be. I cannot control when we will meet again in the future, how, what, where, if we ever do. You are my star, my emperor, my north node, you are my healing and you are my healer. I love you. I am letting go of the need to tell you that I really did want you back. You are beautiful and incredible, I know you find it hard to believe, but you are, I have to let you go now. I am grieving the loss of you to the universe, you have been my mother in one past life, a lover who left me for war and never came back in another and my significant other in most, I have lost you and also found you through the tides of time. I am eternally grateful to the universe for making me cross paths with you again. I am grieving the loss of you in this life too, as I see you smiling with your lover, I don't wish to remind you of our connection, I just want to quietly walk away from your life, with a silent wish in my heart of not, "meeting you again" but of, "releasing you to the sky so that you shine like the star you are and glisten the whole night sky". I don't know if we will even meet again, but I carry my heart and I will freeze it in time for this current moment and I will bring it to you preserved in space, whenever you reach your paradise, my heart will play the melody of my love sealed perfectly for you to find it in time.

[psycholadki]

Scorpio North Node in the 2nd House

This is a tricky placement to understand as the signs and the ruler of house is reversed. 2nd house is originally ruled by Taurus, but having north node in the 2nd house means having to go beyond your comfort zone into the unknown territories.

The sign of your north node shows what work you have to produce in this lifetime, whereas your house placement shows which area of life will be affected. 

First let's break things down, you have your north node in 2nd house, what that means is the area of life which is concerned with your value system, money, even love for that matter, finding financial stability on your own and using your financial stability to increase your self-esteem.

In this lifetime, you are here to pay off the debt you have to yourself in terms of fully supporting yourself. You have to become financially independent, emotionally independent, become resourceful so that you can always provide for yourself, not rely on other people's money, or taking loans from other people, taking credit, depending on other people's resources or using astrology to make yourself money in this lifetime. It is also important not to overly indulge in sexual desires and ruled by Taurus, keep your jealousy in check and be loyal as the bull, do not be disloyal to your lover and do not use sexual favours to get ahead in life. Stick to your values and principles of how to use money. 

Be determined and persistent in your goals, do not procrastinate or give in to self-sabotage. Be kind to yourself and others as this signifies a higher level of Venus. Promote beauty and indulge in enjoying the five senses without over indulging. Be cautious about the seven deadly sins, namely, greed, envy, wrath, lust, gluttony, sloth and of course pride. Do not stick to the status quo, and let go of over indulging in any sense. Use your resources judiciously, use what is required and help others freely. 

Moving to your north node in the sign of Scorpio, you have to learn to be an authentic individual, what that means is that in your previous lives, you could get away by being the naive, innocent bull, not knowing anything and being the inauthentic/polite smiler who couldn't cultivate any real relationship with others for the fear of upsetting the boat as you didn't like drama, but in this life, you need to dig deeper into your emotions and find your inner strength in them. Be resilient, you can fight any battle, Scorpio being co-ruled by Mars and Pluto is the silent warrior, you have within you to fight whatever battle comes your way. Be self-disciplined, have self-respect, if you are able to cultivate these two in you, you will also develop self-love which is the goal of north node in 2nd house. 

North node in Scorpio asks you to be the psychologist, or the detective, policeman, investigator, archaeologist, surgeon, healer, and shaman, anything to do with digging deeper into psyche. Learning about people by understanding their body language, gaining emotional intelligence, learning empathy and having empathy for your fellows.

Developing self-awareness and other awareness, knowing what other people want and providing it for them. Developing your 6th sense, and using your intuition to help the world as a healer. 

Building physical endurance, treating your body well through exercise and taking care of your well-being. Do not over indulge rather use your resources to help others. Be ego less, and learn not to accumulate wealth but rather to give it away freely. You have to earn money in this life for sure, but earn only that much which is required for your sustenance, do not become greedy and learn to share your resources freely. Don’t be stingy in sex, give your body freely to your partner and focus on satisfying their needs first. Ask yourself what do other people need and give it to them without completely sacrificing your boundaries. 

Finally, after combining both the interpretations, your north node in Scorpio in the 2nd house is asking you to be financially/emotionally/physically(health wise)/(value system wise) independent through learning about yourself and the other, by helping others, by healing others, through connection, by becoming a psychologist/policeman/politician/lawyer/all Pluto professions. Be independent and help other become empowered. 

Do not rely on others, get in the drama, take loans of any monetary kind, passive income, or shared resources or inheritance. Do not accumulate resources, be rigid or unlikely to change, don’t be stubborn and not see or understand other people's point of view. Put an end to all that and focus on becoming a complete individual, who is authentic and helps other people achieve their fullest potential.

Scorpio North node in the 2nd house edit:

Life purpose in 2 words: Independently resourceful

Taurus south node in 8th house:

You were dependent on others, occultist (8th house) by being emotionally grounded, for income, inner satisfaction, peace, stability etc. Used others resources and were financially dependent on others and you were a collectivist, didn't rock the boat. Was stable in temperament, never questioned your emotions or self-worth or your values as you were dependent on others.

Scorpio north node in 2nd house:

You have to be independent in earning income, so you cannot complain about not being satisfied. Standing on your own two feet. Secondly, doing so by being intuitive, self-aware and other aware. Delving deeper.

Past life: - finding a practical solution to other people's problems.

This lifetime: - being independent through your intense emotionality.

Past life folly: - being an unaware occultist and trying to help others too practically. Unable to understand the essence of the problem, unable to make them understand the gravity of the problem as you yourself lacked the resources to fully delve deeply.

This life: Truly understanding others deeply. Being self-aware would lend you the lens of other awareness. Minding your own business, working to achieve your dreams and goals through self-discipline and self-love. Becoming a self-sufficient psychologist. Enjoying the pleasures of life deeply and truly.

 So basically you have to understand the deeper psyche of individuals, dive deeply, and understand where people are coming from to generate personal wealth for yourself and to enjoy worldly wishes deeply.

 Past life: - helping others practically through farming for everyone. Being the mother earth.

This life: - helping yourself by healing your past traumas and using the power of your traumas to express yourself and through self-love and achieving your goals, by being and looking deeply within yourself,

Motto:  “I heal others through healing myself.”

 Message by my favorite Tan astrology for this placement:

“You are here to learn to value strategy, resourcefulness, and authenticity. At your core, this axis however can kinda lead you to fall into the obsession with the money making process and the power that "it"(money) brings that you may without realizing it kinda push or knock out other people out of your path in your process to success. So one of the things you may be willing to really value in your path to success is your INNER POWER and developing inner strength, inner transparency rather than secrecy.”

A note from Alfred Adler (a psychologist) from the book, “The courage to be happy” on self-reliance:

When a child is born, he is the center of his own little universe. His power is almost godlike: he only has to cry for others to comfort him, feed him, or rock him. “’Me’- the child learns-‘I’ am the most important thing in the world.” Of course, he might be powerful, but he is also completely dependent. And if he is to successfully complete the journey from dependence to self-reliance, he will need to let go of the very thing he holds so dearly: the idea of “me” as the center of the universe.

So, how does he do this?

The key message here is: Love supports the transition from dependence to self-reliance.

Adler believed that true self-reliance could only be unlocked through love. You might be forgiven for thinking the great psychologist had lost the plot here- doesn’t love mean losing yourself to someone else?

Well, that was exactly his point. See, the self-reliance that Adler has been talking about all along isn’t intended to divorce us from others. It’s a self-reliance that opens us up. As Adler himself put it, “Self-reliance is breaking away from self-centeredness.”

When we are self-reliant, we can meet our own needs. That allows us to exist harmoniously in society without demanding that others cater to our desires or give us a sense of self-worth. And it’s only when we have reached this level that we are able to build true partnerships. It’s through these partnerships, contends Adler, that lasting happiness is born.

Real happiness. Not self-interested happiness, which is focused on our own feelings, and not other-interested happiness, that is concerned with the happiness of our partner. Adler believed that this is the kind of happiness that can only occur when two people leave “me” behind and create a new connection that belongs to, and serves, “us”.

So, this is the final step on a child’s journey from dependence to self-reliance: entering into love, whether romantic or platonic, and finally relinquishing “me” for “we”.

[psycholadki]

Forgiving your ex for moving on without you

You are forgiven... I don't think you need to ask for my forgiveness and why should you? You did what any man would have done, moved on with his life. And life only moves forward... its alright. You did the right thing ! As long as you keep your new girlfriend happy, I am happy because it would mean I helped your new relationship in some way, I helped you be a better man for her, I helped you by putting you directly in her path when things got difficult between us. I wish you both happiness of the forever kind, you see because happiness is so elusive to achieve. It's such a human folly that, no two lovers can ever be truly happy together, they can compromise, surrender to each other's will or even collaborate, but to be happy always with each other is such an elusive thing! I am not saying I don't want you both to be blissful, but I am afraid you both won't always. So its stupid of my silly self to be envious of your new love life, because fate is cruel to all without selective consideration. I hope you learn from the mistakes of all your past relationships and aim to understand her and not to please her, I hope you are attuned to her needs and keep them above your wants, I hope you both an intimate relationship, a relationship filled with more positive experiences than negative. No relationship is perfect. I hope you learn to make peace with that and understand that it's okay to be with each other and not always be happy. P.s. - I will always love you even though I would cross the road to avoid you.

[psycholadki]

Open letter to my old self (on relationships)

Dear me, If there is any relationship advice that I would want to give to my younger self it would look something like this: No relationship is perfect, and no 'my next' is not going to be better than my 'ex'. It doesn't happen like that... I will have to work on it, no matter how bad. Relationships are a decision they are a Choice, they are not your soul mate. A soulmate is the one with whom you are willing to work with. If you cannot work on your relationship with someone, no matter how bright a future you see with them, darling they are just potential. I don't wish bad luck to any of my ex's, neither am I looking for someone better. I don't deserve better, I deserve to work on myself and on our new relationship. Find a guy you like and respect and then plunge and decide with him, that you both want to make it work. Difficulties will arise but don't give up. Rise together 🌻

[psycholadki]

Co-dependency and myself

You know how people become co dependent? When they themselves cannot take care of their emotions. How can one learn to take care of one's emotions if one never had the role models to teach us self love? If all we ever learn from our childhood, is to serve others so that we never have to look at ourselves, look to our own emotions. If one is not in touch with one's own emotions. How do we know what to do ? Which direction to go ? Where to ? Our Emotions are our compass, our guiding light. What if we don't know how to listen to our inner north 🌟 star? How do we manage our overwhelming emotions when we don't have a role model to show us the way? I am child, please let me be. I am not old enough to be a mother yet, no matter whatever be my biological age. Mentally, I am fixated in a time where I can't take care of myself and my emotions. I don't want to be co dependent anymore. I just want to love, I just want to be loved and know the proper way to love. Since, everyone claims to love you but few know how to love you properly. "Hurt people hurt people"- Yehuda Berg. I don't wish to stay hurt or stuck anywhere in my past. I want to learn how to take care of myself, take responsibility for myself, and be myself.

[psycholadki]

How to trust yourself?

Advice to myself :- I often struggle from self abandoning situations, where I sabotage myself for either others or to maintain peace in the environment. I need to develop a backbone , no matter how scared I feel that people will leave me, the ones who are meant for me will understand or stay. Don't worry about disappointing unworthy ones. Just feel your truth unabashed and speak your truth. It's easier said than done. All my life, I have only thought about the consequences. But now I want to think about myself. I want to develop healthy boundaries for myself. I want to say no without rejecting them. I don't want to be my rejector. I don't want to sacrifice my boundaries to please someone. I want to be loved and accepted for saying and feeling my truth.

[psycholadki]

Boring guys are the good ones

Today, I am feeling very emotional for the fuckboys in my life, Thank you so much for showing me that I deserve much better. Everything happens for a reason, the reason you entered my life was to show me that bad people exist and I should stay away from them, and also that good people exist too. They help us to finally be happy to find a good guy and not find him boring. Boring guys are the good ones. Fuckboys would make your heart beat faster, but only a good guy would make you feel secure. But unless and until you save yourself and be your own hero, you would find the bad ones interesting and the good ones not exciting enough. Own your baddassery, embrace your inner bitchness, then you would find the courage to be unapologetically you. Be you. Love yourself. Celebrate you. Till the time you find yourself and fall for her. That's all, this is where you stop. No search for prince charming, no hero is coming to save you. This is where you stop your search. From this point on, I will love myself and if a guy comes ( totally optional ), he will find the inner me sexy. The girl who goes out alone to dinners and day outs. Don't wait for him, honey. He is on his own journey, ( which may lead him to you, may not, totally depending on his free will ) If you two alchemists do collide and decide to give this alchemy a try, it will then be legendary and nothing short of magic.

[psycholadki]

Letting you go

Dear love, I want to let you know many things, which I couldn't tell you in person, you are a beautiful man not because of anything you did but because you are a creation of God. God must have taken his merry time in making you, because I swear, you were perfect! Good looking, charismatic, good leader, orator, every lady's dream come true with a sensitive heart. You were so goddamn caring, that you almost fooled me into thinking that you care about me. I thought you loved me, silly me, poor girl, who hadn't seen the world. But saw her first love in you. You lead me on, because you were always so sweet and I took it otherwise. But later when I gathered every ounce of courage inside of me, to propose you. You said we were better as friends, let it go. But I couldn't let it go, I had to know the reason why? Why couldn't I be the one for you. Who were you seeing? If not me, but you said, it was nothing. I never questioned you again, stopped all contact with you. I saw you once again laughing giddily with your friends, while I had tears in my eyes. I changed my profile picture the next day. You kept on falling for other women, that I stalked away on Facebook. While I took charge of my life and worked my ass off, so that one day when you look at me, you could say that you are proud of me, and you may then want me back. I just wanted to be noticed by you, or was desperate for your validation. I needed you. Here I said it, a strong, independent , bold woman thought she couldn't live without the thought of you. I day dreamed about you. Hell, I even considered ( and left ) a college for you because that would take me away from you. Even when you weren't present. But I knew I had to let you go, when I met a man who had a voice similar to yours, but he wasn't you. He wasn't you because he cared for real. He wasn't a sweet talker like you but a real doer which I secretly wished you were. He loved me through actions and even though, I know he isn't perfect. Now I have to realise that neither were you. This was a revelation for me, I knew I had to let you go. For I turned into a lady who was physically and emotionally unavailable for worthy men because I didn't want to be unloyal to you. Here, I am letting you go my love, for the man who knows my worth and in whose arms I feel safe and it feels like heaven. So, off I go to travel unknown territories where I haven't been before only to realise that Robin ( from how I met your mother ) was right, just because your past is familiar you cannot run back to it. Your future is scary but so is everything worth giving a try~ P.s. - I hope you live a full life and meet your soulmate. P.p.s. - Because life is too short to be living with a mediocre love which doesn't set your soul on fire. ❤