prettyisles

[prettyisles]

00:46

I have wonderful friends.

My little unit of people had been struggling. Not in the sense that we’re failing; paralysed against the current of the city; more that we’ve all been going through things that make us human: break ups, moving, new jobs, the possibility of starting a new life elsewhere.

And yet still, every Friday, we meet, we eat and drink, we talk about sex toys and men, periods and friends, the world crumbling apart around us while we giggle about bloating, future holidays and that really gorgeous mesh top you wore last week.

I don’t think I realised what love and support looked like until I met you. I wouldn’t be who I am without you: boundaries and bliss.

Worthwhile to note it wasn’t always this way; we flow and ebb like the current of the Thames and yet here we are, four years later, drinking red (always); eating Camembert or sushi with a dog in tow (or two, if we’re lucky); boyfriends and girlfriends and partners new, old, rekindled, never once blinking through the hardness, like stone, that comes and goes with the needs and wants of a life well lived.

My little unit of people have been struggling. But we’re what we made of us. And we can do anything.

[prettyisles]

[prettyisles]

Sweet pea and lavender

[prettyisles]

23:04

My heart hurts so much for a version of myself who never healed

It’s heavy and uncomfortable and sits in my chest, then moves up to my throat, and I can feel it closing. But I can still breathe.

I think that’s the worst thing, that I can still breathe. And every time I do it’s like someone has crushed a lung

I don’t think I want him to be mine but I don’t think I want him to be anyone else’s but I’m learning that it can’t happen that way

He’s teaching me that men are human. That men can be honest and open. That I am capable of feeling things I’ve not felt in so long. He’s teaching me what I like, what I don’t like.

He triggered me. And it was horrible. And I was horrible, I drowned in my own spit and tears. But I could still breathe. I can still breathe.

[prettyisles]

my heart feels so heavy today.

[prettyisles]

23:46

well, hasn't it been a while.

I want to write but i'm so choked up and also not that i don't know where to start. so here's a list of things that have changed in my life since my last post.

i moved house.

i've had three housemates move out and three move in.

i've had one be so abusive i had to leave with my other housemate for a month while she left.

i've had ten jobs since then.

i've been promoted twice.

i've started dating.

i've started therapy again.

i've started taking meds again.

i've cut all my hair off, then cut all my hair off again, and grown it out.

i've survived a global pandemic, and three lockdowns.

a close family member went to prison.

a close family member moved to my hometown.

my best friend moved to London.

my other best friend left london.

I met some of the best women in my life.

some of those women moved east.

i went on holiday three times.

i've had countless anxiety attacks and panic attacks.

i've laughed thousands of times.

i've been learning what it means to be intimate with someone, and how to communicate with them.

my happiness flowers and shrinks, then blooms again with every passing day.

i've begun learning what i want out of my life, and perhaps my career is not it.

i've worked 18 hours in a row for three weeks straight.

i've eaten incredible food.

i've drunk a river of coffee.

i've smoked, then quit, then started again, then quit again

i've done what i need to to get by.

i've seen old friends get married, have babies, get in engaged.

i am learning who i am. and in some ways i've never been so sure of myself, and in others i've never been so lost.

[prettyisles]

Fate/stay night (2006)

[prettyisles]

23:58

Lol nvm fuck men

[prettyisles]

x

[prettyisles]

00:39

Yesterday was the first time a man held my hand or kissed my mouth or slid his arm around my waist in a very very long time, and it wasn’t creepy or weird or made me want to run in the other direction

It was because regardless of booze intake he wanted me and I think I wanted him back

[prettyisles]

getting dressed is an EXPERIENCE. like who am i today? 90s grunge trash baby? Ex-2005 Emo turned adult? future ceo of a Fortune 500 company? 80 year old human cucumber? Let’s find out when u play wheel of what identity do you identify most with today

[prettyisles]

Carrie Fisher in the trash with a bottle of wine, 1977

[prettyisles]

01:24

S T R U G G L I N G

there is a lot of love in this world and it does not belong to me and I am scared I will never be able to fill up my cup with it again and treasure it the way I used to

[prettyisles]

19:57

I am so fucking lonelyyyyyyy

I am yet again in my house and I probably won’t open my mouth to speak to another human being for the next 13.5 hours until I go back to work

And both my housemates have been whisked away to spend time with their significant others while little old me sits and pretends that after three years I’m definitely fine etc etc etc

Except all I see is people with their shit together and moving on with their lives and I am stuck turning on the same spot I was in over a year ago

Imma go buy some milk and be served at he counter and not the self service machine because then at least it will be 13 hours and 25 minutes that I won’t speak to a human

[prettyisles]

[prettyisles]

00:09

Today I just want to cry a lot and I can’t and that kinda sucks

[prettyisles]

14:33

I’ve done really well at not bumping into people I hate so far this year and then OF COURSE you had to show up with your new girl and smile at me as though EVERYTHING IS FINE

A list of things that went through my head

- holy fuck nope

- nopety nope nope nope

- I need gin

- ew

- at least I have make up on

And then I ran around a corner and had a mini panic cry while you waltzed out of my life again with a funny little anecdote; “did you know Jo has pink hair now?”