precious-father-blog

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#Creepy daddy

One day, my perv creepy father said to my mum that when he was a teenager he used to love when his female cousins came to sleep at his place. Indeed, he used to love to lie right up next to them and stare at them while they slept.

He also said he wanted to have sex with his cousin, marry her and have children with her. 

It’s a true story, yes.

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#My father the paranoid lunatic

As he walked into the living room he said to my mum:

James Bond: “ Did you hear the noises ?”

My mum: “Which noises?”

James Bond: “The noises outside”

My mum: “No I don’t hear them, which noises are you talking about?”

James Bond: “Don’t you hear it that’s the sound of planes, spy planes... They’re spying on us.” 

My mum: “ Sure ?”

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#Good deed

So by now you may have read a few of the things that my father has said, and if you have, you by now know that he is full of shit. Lots and lots of shit to be absolutely truthful about it. Yesterday I decided it was my duty as a loving daughter to help him fix this fecal problem that he suffers from. 

As the loving daughter that I am I made him a special "I LOVE YOU DADDY DETOX SMOOTHIE" consisting of 2 bananas,1 glass of milk, 1 glass of water and 4 finely powdered diarrhea enducing stomach bombs compliments of Ducolax. Knowing that 4 pills probably wouldn't cut a task quite so big as the one I had chose I sided on the side of caution and added 2 more. Yes I know the box recommends to only use 3 for guaranteed relief but I wanted more than anything to help my daddy dearest. 

After the gut bomb had been prepared I informed him that it was in the kitchen waiting for him and even let him know that I didn't put any spinach in it this time. Last time it gave him the runs and I couldn't live with myself if I did that to him again. As the day came to a close and the clock struck 9pm he hadn't touched it yet and I started to get anxious and asked my mother to help. Just for good measure though I poured a little more juice and tossed in 2 more bowel busters, bringing the total to 8. 

After just a minute or so of telling him that it wouldn't be so good the next day, down it went and the wait began. 

I slept that night on the couch in the living room for fear that I may miss the firework show; so did my mother, she didn't want to sleep in a shit covered bed that night: 1:35am was the first visit, 1:45am was the second visit, 1:57am was the third visit. This continued thru the night and knowing that I had done my good deed for the day I went to sleep at about 2am. I rose the next morning to a very tired and much lighter father who informed me that he was stuck in the restroom till 6am and just decided not to go to sleep since it was already the following day. 

He claimed it was probably something he ate or perhaps that he  mixed the wrong foods and while I would love to claim that it was me I think that it is sometimes more noble to do a good deed and seek no recognition than to do a good deed with the intent of reward. 

I hope you have enjoyed this post and until next time remember to never miss a chance to show those you love the most how much you really care about them.

*UPDATE* It’s now 6pm the following day and he still has the runs. 

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#True story

« Stop breathing. You’re breathing on me and I’m cold. Stop it. » - What my jerk dad said to my pregnant mum one day

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« Close the restroom’s door. The bigger the surface area, the faster the cleaning products wear off. Just be smart once in your life »  - Smart father 

I still don’t know what to say to that...

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#Smart daddy

Yesterday night we had a small problem, we didn’t have any tv channels. My mum and I were trying to fix this problem when my incredible wise dad came upstairs and said:

Smart daddy: « We lost all the TV channels we had, even down stairs it’s not working. » My mum and I: « Dammit it must be a problem in the whole building » Smart daddy: « I think it’s a problem in the city or even in the entire country. There must be a terrorist attack » Me: « Say what now ? »

And the wise little unicorn left the room saying things about muslims and fuckin’ terrorist. 

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#Awesome advice giver

Wise daddy: « Go get a fuckin’ job, why are you still sitting on your bed and looking at your computer, just go get a job right now! » Me: « Should I go today? On Labour Day ? On May 1st ? The day where everywhere is closed? » Wise daddy: « you’re just a lazy butthole » 

I didn’t know what to say so I just sat there and watched him leaving my room like a cute princess with an attitude problem...

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#Friendly daddy

Me: "Don't you want to go and have fun with mum's friends ? » Friendly daddy: "No I don't. What's the point of laughing ? Why are they laughing all the time?" Me: "Well it’s because they're having fun! It's a good thing to laugh! I shouldn’t have to explain to you stuff like that, should I?" Friendly daddy: "You just want to criticize me. You just want to get rid of me that’s it. You're just a bitch." Me: "True I'm a bitch, but should I have to explains to you how friends are an important part of life and how they can be supportive and help you when your life sucks ?" Friendly daddy: "Yes you are and you just want to criticize me. I want to choose my friend and learn new things about politics and..." Me: "... And be depressing and sad all the time?" Friendly daddy: "Yes, that's what I want."

Mum and I were like...

Mum talking to me: "honey don't argue with the man who invented the words depression and sadness, it's not worth it." 

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#Little story about...

... My supportive father. As you must know my father isn’t very rational nor supportive and I’m sure you won’t be surprised If I tell you that he is not in favor of gay rights. He isn’t as big of a bastard to them as he is to his own family but still, he doesn’t support them. Being a lovely and an amazing daughter I decided to help him to become a better man, I subscribed him to a gay association and a gay magazine so that he can receive everyday newsletters from them. I can’t wait for his reaction guys! 

See you!

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#Enologist daddy

Mum: "Don't you think the wine has a bitter taste ?" Enologist daddy: "No I don't think so. Maybe I just ate a yogurt that's why!" Mum: "What ?" Enologist daddy: "Well apparently I can recognize the wine taste better than you."

With the incapacity of finding any fuckin' logical explanation, my mum and I gave up on everything.

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#Fashionista daddy

Have you ever been invited to a family dinner but have no idea what to wear ? Don’t worry, precious father is back with a new style for you:

Rule #1: work your attitude

You don’t want to seem nice or thankful for being invited. You need to adopt the angry style (yes again). The whole family will be there and they want to see the perfect (hateful) father that you are, am I right ? The most important thing is to smile and look like a jerk at the same time and of course you’ll need to practice but don’t worry it’s actually quite easy. The secret is to cuss at everybody you live with so that the rest of the family get the full effect of your personality. 

Rule #2: choose wisely your colors

Here again unsuccessfully matching more than 3 colors is really important. Do not forget to wear at least one bright color, after all you’ll want to stand out the entire night. Here our sexy mannequin chose a red shirt, just stunning don’t you think ? 

Rule #3: the final touch, accessories

An outfit without weird accessories will not allow you to look like the motherfucker you want to be. For example a nice beige ladies scarf on a red shirt will be perfect for a night out on town or if you were gay.  But Chances are if you are gay, you wouldn’t be caught dead in this because you probably have better fashion sense than this.

Let me help you out with a picture:

I wish you to never have those fashion tastes!

See you guys!

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#Daddy DJ

One day, my brother had his headphones in but with no sound. My DJ father walks into his rooms and says:

DJ father: Turn down the volume, I can hear the music from where I stand, you asshole!

Brother: But there is no music on, here, listen!

My DJ father seeing that my brother is right, apologize by saying:

DJ father: Well you’re still an asshole

Brother: thank you

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''The word asshole is not an insult.''

smart daddy

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"I don't like to walk, and stop saying it's healthy because I never lost weight by walking for 10 minutes"

healthy advice giver