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For the Record

Christmas Movies: • Bad Santa • It’s A Wonderful Life • Gremlins • Krampus • The Nightmare Before Christmas (also technically Halloween*) • Die Hard • Lethal Weapon

In spite of untraditional Christmas elements, they maintain an air of Christmas by way of theme, atmosphere, or pivotal plot points throughout the movie.

Not Christmas Movies: • The Harry Potter films • The Sound of Music

Having a segment take place during Christmas or causally mentioning packages and snowflakes do not a Christmas movie make. No matter how much I like the Harry Potter series, and no matter how much some people just want an excuse to watch or air them.**

*Strictly speaking, I consider The Nightmare Before Christmas a Thanksgiving movie, purely for the simplicity in splitting between the two holidays (as most of the film takes place between the two). However, while most of the characters involved (and their actions) are very “Halloween-ish,” the plot ultimately revolves around Jack’s obsession with Christmas, and the consequences of his unfamiliarity with its meaning. **While I do not deny that the visuals during the Christmas scenes in Philosopher’s Stone are nice, Harry gets his first presents (one being his father’s cloak which is used often in the rest of the series), and one of my favorite moments (Godric’s Hollow) takes place at Christmastime, these are not ultimately essential to the rest of the movies in which they take place. It all comes down to the movie summary. What happens in these movies? Bad Santa? A mall Santa robs outlets on Christmas, but starts to get cold feet. It’s A Wonderful Life? A man almost kills himself on Christmas, and has to be saved by an angel. Gremlins? A Christmas present leads to little monsters wreaking havoc over Christmas break. Krampus? A town who lost the Christmas spirit is tormented by a demon who twists the folklore of Santa to his own ends. The Nightmare Before Christmas? Halloween characters take a stab at Christmas. Die Hard? A cop has to save his wife and her coworkers when a Christmas party becomes a hostage situation. Lethal Weapon? A family man and suicidal widower try to stop a drug cartel during the Christmas season. Harry Potter? A boy who survived the attack of a dark wizard when he was an infant has to stop him again when he returns. There’s genuinely no way I can fit Christmas in there unless I say “Also, Christmas happens exactly once over the course of a year, which is a surprise to no one.” And it’s not even possible to even so much as weasel Christmas into The Sound of Music. A woman takes care of a man’s many children, teaches them how to sing, and together they evade Nazis. Yeah. Very festive. Just keep playing that song about roses and dog bites. I’m sure bees are very Christmassy.

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So, finally getting around to watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Three things: 1. So ‘90s, holy crap. 2. ‘90s Alyson Hannigan was so damn cute. I mean, she still is, big appeal of How I Met Your Mother for me, but holy crap again. 3. I still don’t get what the deal is with this “Chosen One Slayer” business. Like, there’s a clear set of ways to kill a vampire, and I’m pretty sure one of the other main characters killed a vampire in the second episode, so why all the fuss over one person designated to slay vampires?

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Pop Culture Cherry: Destroy All Monsters

Okay, so I’ve been working through all the Godzilla movies, slowly but surely. Tonight was 1968′s Destroy All Monsters (怪獣総進撃). Not entirely sure what to make of it, other than that it was better than Son of Godzilla.

HOWEVER... it strikes me as odd that the alien villains first say they mean no harm (to which humans inevitably go "SCREW YOU!" and run at them and shoot them like madmen, purely to show off the fact that the aliens have forcefields), but of course then they're going through this whole plan of destroying sites all over the globe with the help of the kaiju, only to distract everybody from the fact that they set up a base in Japan.

Now, is this a metaphor for American occupation, or what?

And it also strikes me as odd that when like 10 of the monsters come around to destroy the alien base, they bring in King Ghidorah and boast that they are no match for him. Even though we've already had a movie where he's beaten down with, what, 3 monsters? And of course they proceed to mercilessly pound him as if he was nothing.

Egh. Not sure what's up next on my Godzilla roster but I feel so far away from my goal (the new movie that I still haven't seen).

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Quick Mobile Review: Pulp Fiction

I'm only vaguely familiar with Quentin Tarantino, largely by word of mouth. And especially in the form of references to his movies. Mostly Pulp Fiction. I suppose now that I've seen it, I maybe have a better understanding of who he is. Here are the main thoughts that ran through my mind as I watched Pulp Fiction for the first time in my life. "Wow, he sure has a hard-on for feet." "Wow, he sure has a hard-on for the '70s." "Wow, he sure has a hard-on for racial epithets." "Wow, this sure is really fucking boring." I'd pretty much expected all but that last one. Now, don't get me wrong. Some of the writing was pretty good, and it had a great cast (particularly Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Walken, and Harvey Keitel). But the film was just shot in such a way that it just dragged on. And on. And on. Even the credits felt agonizingly slow. Many times I found myself wondering how long I'd been watching, how much is left, and just where the hell the movie is going with all this. I'd had a similar introduction to a cult classic in the past. The Big Lebowski. People went on about how great it was and I had built a skepticism that there is no way it is as great as they say it is. So I watched it. And I enjoyed it. I don't think I ever had a period where I felt like I was doing it out of obligation. It was a great experience, and while I don't personally feel it was the greatest thing of all time, I can see why people love it and consider it a great film. Hell, I wouldn't mind seeing it again. But Pulp Fiction was a movie I watched purely so I could say I watched it. I didn't hate it - I've definitely had worse experiences with movies (The Last Airbender, Funny Games if you want another movie with Tim Roth but also want to feel cheated and insulted). But I've certainly had better as well (The Big Lebowski as I've mentioned, and I shit you not, The Incredible Hulk if you want a movie with Tim Roth where you don't want to feel like you wasted two and a half hours just to see those iconic scenes with Jackson and that guy from Face/Off who isn't Nicholas Cage, yet also is). So I guess it was just sort of average. 5/10, will likely never have the urge to watch again. Not even sure if I'd be interested in Reservoir Dogs. (Wait, that's also Tarantino, right?)

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The Naked Time

Ooh, naked time!

We meet up with our friends on the Unit Spreadsheet Enterprise as they head to the Ice Planet Hoth, or something, to pick up a group of scientists who were doing science things. I would assume coring to check the history of the planet. Or checking out how the damn thing's about to collapse in on itself.

Doesn't matter anyway, they're all dead.

Captain Not-Pike and crew are reasonably shocked and baffled by all this. What's worse is when they return to the ship and Crewman Johnny or whatever his name is starts acting weird. Then it starts to spread to others. Eventually the whole crew's come down with a loss of inhibitions, as if they were drunk or drugged. Spock's crying, Not-Pike wants to fuck his ship, Sulu's got his shirt off and swashbuckling around on deck... it's all very surreal.

All the while, the Enterprise is on a collision course with the dying planet. Me, I blame the Irish... guy who took control and put them into that mess.

Luckily they get it worked out with a vaccine and time travel.

The Enemy Within

On a strange planet is the away team, with Sulu and Not-Pike, and an adorable alien unicorn dog, awww...

But on the way back, there's a malfunction with the teleporty gizmo, and Not-Pike is split into two versions of himself. One is calm and reserved, the other is violent, panicky, and a wee bit rapey. The split is illustrated further with the adorable unicorn doggy, which is sent up next, but is split into a docile and an aggressive one. These, combined with the actions of the imposter captain's own impostor, alert the crew to the problem.

Meanwhile, Sulu and his boys are freezing to death.

Anonymous Crew Death Count: 5 science team employees 1 angsty rookie 1 adorable alien unicorn doggy

All in all, good episodes. For one thing, no psychic powers. Just crazy shit happening that causes certain hysteria on board. Good old-fashioned madness. For another, SPACE DOG! I've seen some crazy aliens in my time, but who's a good boy! You are! You are!

I kind of like the vulnerability they present, too. Sure, we all like a good bit of fisticuffs now and then, but here we've got two episodes where Captain Not-Pike is legitimately broken by the events, and finding it difficult to maintain control not simply of the ship, but of himself. Hell, even Spock gets in on the action. In the first episode he's struggling to maintain his composure, and in the next he's helping keep the good version of the captain to maintain a captainly pace.

One thing that bothers me in these episodes, though. The "Captain's Log" narration. How the hell does he know about how he doesn't know things?

But anyway. Looking forward to the next episodes. Just looking at the episode titles, something about women and girls. Uh... hm.

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Star Trek, S01E02-3

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....

Charlie X

In the second proper episode, we meet a survivor of some destroyed spaceship or a colony, or something, I forget. His name is Charlie, and he's a creepy teenage kid who grew up without proper humans to talk to. This leaves him awkward and unfamiliar with regular human customs. To make matters worse, he's struggling with adolescence, feelings for Yeoman Blonde Lady... and he's got crazy psychic powers that let him change things and make them disappear. Suffice it to say, it's tough being a teenager no matter what century you're in.

Where No Man Has Gone Before

This is the second pilot, but aired as the third episode of the first season. In it, the crew finds a black box from a 200-year-old lost ship at the edge of the galaxy. Curious from what they find within, they head out themselves. One of them comes back an esper. Apparently an old friend of Kirk's.

Oh boy. I can already see the problem. See... there's this thing I've found in TV shows. If there's ever an episode where a main character's old friend shows up (even if it's a pilot), they usually become evil, or end up doomed. Or they survive and we never see them again, and they're never spoken of again. Funny how that works out.

Anyway, as predicted, his psychic powers become greater and greater, and he becomes increasingly godlike - and dangerous. So I think we all know what happens next.

Anonymous Crew Death Count: 20 (or 40) from another ship 9 unknown 1 inconsequential 2 important to the plot Well, I'll say this: these two episodes are actually pretty good. The first was an interesting study on how much of our humanity was learned. The second, how much of it can be lost. The effects are pretty sweet too, especially for the pilot-turned-episode. Still seeing a theme though. People with superpowers versus ordinary people like Captain Not-Pike. Hopefully things change up soon. But I'm glad to be back into these.

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Come On Eileen

So, after a short while of freedom, it's in my head again. I'm no stranger to ear worms. The months I've spent plagued by just about every song by Jonathan Coulton... anyway, not the point. Recently I finally listened to "Come On Eileen," a 1982 hit from English band Dexys Midnight Runners.

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A Newcomer Watches Breaking Bad (Season 1)

So, seeing as how the series ended last year, I decided now is a perfect time to take a dip into this clearly newly-budding fandom, and get an early start on what I am sure will be a long running cultural fascination. I hope the sarcasm is registering.

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Pop Culture Cherry: Rocky I & II

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A Noob Looks At: Game of Thrones (Season 3)

I'm nearly caught up now, and I've finished Season 3!

I can't rightly remember everything that happens, but let me try and give a rundown anyway. Warning! Spoilers and questionable information ahead!

There seemed to be a lot going on. I just know there was a lot of traveling, and a lot of people switching sides, and a lot of weddings.

For starters, John Snow is getting it on with that sexy wild redhead Egret, and his friend Samwise totally has a crush on this girl they met in last season whose a daughter-wife to this creepy wildman. And shit goes down with those Knights of the Watch, some kind of mess where their leader is killed.

Meanwhile, Bran is awakening some kind of mystery powers to go into animal minds. They're calling her a Warg, but that's stupid, Wargs are demon-wolves. Or are they saying she's a demon? Anyway, her brother Aria is having her own struggles, but by the end of the season ends up traveling with the Dog-guy with a burned face who he wants to kill.

There was also something about that cult of the light god... some kind of people who don't follow along with any of the Lords... I think Aria was there? And this bastard son of the old king ends up taken by the priestess of the cult and leeches all over him, yikes.

Oh! Right! That friend-turned-enemy of the Starks who went back to his Cthulhu cult family ends up captured and tortured for shtis 'n' giggles, with parts of him sent back to his family. Like his ding-dong.

As for weddings, King Jeffrey the Horrible Little Shitbag is gonna wed the widow of that gay brother of the old king and Stanley, and then Sensor is set up to marry Tyrone, who is totally not into it because he's fallen in love with a foreign woman who I think is a whore, everybody keeps saying she is but she doesn't seem the type. And Robby ends up marrying some nurse or somebody, which means his arranged marriage to one of the daughters to this guy Walter Fray is kind of shot to shit.

Which seems to have led to what I previously heard fans call the "Red Wedding," and I expected a lot worse than what we got. Was still pretty surprising I guess, but a lot of people died, including Rob, his pregnant wife, and his mom. My only thought was, "Aria's gonna be pissed."

And then he does, he ends up killing some guys.

I think there's also this buddy road-trip bit between this albino soldier lady and Jeffrey's uncle-dad who now has a beard, I can't remember when that beard came around. But they're on the road and having all this shit happen to them. Like Beardy loses his sword-hand.

Meanwhile, Dan-Aerith is laying seige to cities and leaders and rescuing slaves and building up an army and followers in Bumfuck, Nowhere. I assume this is leading to something but, aside from dragons, I'm not sure if I care as much as last season.

And then word got back to the folks over in Westernland that the ice-wights are heading that way! Chilling!

Anyway, that's all I can remember from this season. It's... alright, I suppose. It feels like maybe there might be too much going on, if that's possible? Just kind of frustrating, trying to keep up, knowing that you have to write a review.

Anyway, I think that'll be it of these. I'm nearly caught up, so I just have individual episodes, and that'll be dull as hell to just be talking about what everybody else has seen. So, I think this is a conclusion, don't you? Until next time!

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G.I. Joe (1985 cartoon series): Series 1, Episodes 1-5

Just watched some G.I. Joe for the first time. What. The. Pants. The basic premis, it seems, is that these guys are American soldiers, or something, but they work as a sort of underpowered Justice League with guns. Laser guns. And they don't kill anybody. The animators make sure to show that. The bad guys all survive. And don't worry, because the bad guys are just as tame. Because they are terrible shots. And they apparently have this massive force, but always send only five or six guys to do any particular job, and these individuals run in screaming "COBRA!!!" and then run away once they realize that their enemies can fight back. The storyline I watched involved a teleportation device (or M.A.S.S. device, who knows what that stands for) that required three random elements to run, for no particular reason. These elements include: -Radioactive crystals from a cave in a snowy region, compliments of the Deku Tree. -Water from a pool UNDERWATER, compliments of the Zoras. -Golden sand from a meteorite inside a volcano, compliments of the Gorons. This took five episodes for both sides to gain control of them. The bad guys (Cobras, led by Cobra Commander, with a distinctive motif of some particular snake, I'm not sure which) just want to recharge their device for... apparently univerasal domination, in spite of no visible aliens. The good guys (G.I. Joe, led by a man named... Duke? Not Joe? Huh), who are trying to build one of their own, because if our enemies are doing it, then America should do it too, dammit! My friend and I were laughing just about the entire time. There was just so much going on. Cheap animation, goofy writing, shoddy plots... perfect for selling toys! Now if you excuse me, I have to go Google to see if they actually made a toy of those robots with rock on their backs. (I should probably find out what all the token characters are in that show, too. I remember exactly one woman, a black guy, a cowboy, possibly a Chinese man, but they didn't make it entirely clear... some anonymous individual who wears a mask and has a wolf-pet and was radioactive for a period...)

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A Noob Looks At: Game of Thrones (Season 2)

As you may guess, I decided to keep going and watch the second season of that Throne Games show. And again, without any references, I will try and remember what the hell all I watched. Warning! Spoilers and bad interpretations ahead!

So now that Nedward Stark is dead, his son Robert goes off to war and is declared King of the North. Meanwhile, Robby's sister Sensor is held as a captive wife-to-be to that little shit Draco Malfoy, who is a monster and a terrible king who doesn't actually do any fucking kinging.

His bro of an uncle Tyrone tries to help him ease some stress with prostitues, but then that sadistic son of a bitch just had one beat the other, what a little shit.

Meanwhile, his uncle-father is caught by Rob after a battle. The Starks think they can trade Prince Charming back to the Lannisters to free Sensor and Aria, who they think is with them but is actually headed north in secret. But his party is taken hostage, and Aria ends up under the employ of that bitch new king's grandfather, who isn't aware of who he is. Maybe.

Meanwhile Dan-Aerith is wandering the desert with her people and dragonbabies, but she finds a rich city, and there are some freaky-ass wizards, but who the hell cares? John Snow is on the other side of that huge arctic wall! He's in the wilds! He's met a hot redhead wildwoman who he totally has conflicted feelings about keeping his oath and boning her. As a fan of the gingers, I know what I think he should do.

But this is a war show, and there is war! Apparently while Robby Stark is fighting for the freedom of the Winterkeep, the previous king's brothers are fighting each other for the right to take on that punk-ass new king for the throne. Stanley's got some light god on his side, according to the priestess, who fucks him and gives birth to a shadow monster that kills the other brother, Wembley or somebody, who cares. He's dead.

Anyway, and while Robby's away, the Winterkeep is taken over by Robby's friend who isn't him (I think I thought he was for a while), who had gone home from being captive or adopted by the Starks or somebody, but the point is he hit on his sister, his dad doesn't like him, his family totally worships Cthulhu, and now he's in control of the Winterkeep, and Raisin Bran and her little brother had to go into hiding with the giant Hurdur, who I think is a Pokemon because he only says his own name.

By the end of the season Dani no longer sucks and is awesome with her dragons, Tyrone is a great leader and should totally be king, and the ice zombies finally show up again. Fucking hell that took a while. Not as good as last season, but I'll keep going anyway. I'm curious about where they're going with this.

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A Noob Looks At: Game of Thrones (Season 1)

For the longest time I've been hearing about this show, which is based upon the book series "A Song of Ice and Fire," which I think is based on a Robert Frost poem. So, after hearing a lot of talk but not knowing a damn thing about it, I finally got around to Game of Thrones. Having finished the first season, I am willing to give a basic rundown of its events, with absolutely no research but the memory of watching.

So it takes place in a sort of semi-fantasy version of medieval England. And we start in the north, all frosty with some huge-ass wall. On the other side is the harsh wilderness of Skyrim, or somesuch thing, and scary undead wights.

But they do not feature in this story. For this is a game of thrones! So to speak. Instead we follow the Starks, namely Lord Nedward Boromir Stark and his children - his sons Rob and Aria, and his daughters Sensor and Raisin Bran, plus a bastard son from another woman, John Snow, named because he was apparently born in the snow.

Now Neddy's good friend is the king, and the king is married to this woman Circe, of the Lannister family, AKA the bad guys. Along with her for the ride is her lover/brother Prince Charming (anybody? Anybody? Shrek? Anybody?) and their inbred little shit of a son, Jeffrey. Also there is their little brother (no jokes!) Tyrone, who likes to drink and fuck the whores, but let's face it, he's probably the most decent of their family, not to mention probably the smartest and a total badass.

There are other things going on, too, like Boromir's son John going up to that big wall to join the Knight's Watch and keep out the scary ice zombies. Meanwhile down south and across the sea, we have albino Danielle and her creepy barbarian horse-king Carl Frodo. She's also got a brother, Dragon or somebody. He's also a piece of shit, so it's not like anybody cares about him. But apparently Dani learns to fuck the beardy guy and gets really eager to be queen to everybody.

What we care about is the political intrigue as Boromir ends up the right-hand man to the king and tries to find out what the previous guy was investigating before he was killed. This is after his daughter Bran was shoved off a tower and left a cripple by Asshat Charming, when he caught him and his sister in some dirty incest goings on.

So, creepy things aside, it turns out it's linked to why the last right-hand man died, as it seems he was hunting down the king's illegitimate (but actual) children, and closest heirs in the event of his death. Which totally happens, but then that little shit Jeffy ends up king anyway and has Ned's head lopped off. Meanwhile winter's apparently coming, with promise of more ice zombies, and also that albino Dani is apparently the Dovahkiin and has dragons.

So that's basically what I remember of Season 1. All in all, I suppose it's good. Better than I expected. The excessive boobs and swearing are a bit off-putting, feels like they're there just because "It's not TV, it's HBO!" and apparently they're requred on premium cable channels, or something. I could use more of the fantasy elements, too. The ice-wights, the dragons, the witchy magic. I'm hoping I'll see more of that in later seasons, but I really am enjoying myself and I hope to see more. I can't wait until the Starks' cousin Anthony shows up.

But Tyrone is a total bro, and that "dance" instructor was also a total badass.

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Finally watched Hannibal, caught up all the way to the newest episode.

You guys... I think this Hannibal Lecter guy might be a serial killer.

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Popular Things I Haven't Seen (And My Assumptions About Them)

Supernatural: Two brothers are gay for each other. Their best friend is an autistic angel.

Game of Thrones: Fantasy version of the War of the Roses, with ice giants, dragons, and boobies.

Breaking Bad: Greek tragedy about meth dealers who apply knowledge of rock candy into their business practice.

Lost: People are on an island. Nobody knows what the hell is going on. They're all probably dead.

The Wire: Something to do with the news?

The Newsroom: Nothing to do with the news. Everything to do with Aaron Sorkin on his soapbox, just like all of his shows.

House of Cards: Kevin Spacey plays an American dictator who really likes Poker.

Pretty Little Liars: "I Know What You Did Last Summer" through a filter of teenage girls.

Hannibal: Cannibalism subtext everywhere. And also murder.

Bates Motel: Incest subtext everywhere. And also murder.

Anything by Quentin Tarantino: Quentin Tarantino has a hard-on for the '70s and "the 'N' word."

The Hunger Games: It's Battle Royale. That's it. That's the premise.

The Lego Movie: Who cares? LEGO!

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I just half-assedly watched an episode of Once Upon a Time.

I think it was the newest episode. DVR. But here's what I gathered from glimpses in-between browsing Tumblr: -There are police or independent investigators like Scooby Doo's gang in some town. -There is also some clusterfuck of storybook characters. -Somebody's dad is a flying monkey? I don't know if I like this. I watched an episode of Grimm a while back and, while I admittedly paid more attention, I think I like it better. As far as "folklore in modern context" goes.

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I am beginning to harbor a deep suspicion that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is trying to make Leonardo DiCaprio a supervillain.